daphne Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 I went offline to take a break. I think I burned out on multi dating. Since then, two have contacted me again. It's nice that they seem well adjusted enough to be friendly and have no expectations. However, one asked me what he did to turn me off. It seems that, even though he's an attractive guy and seemingly one of the most decent and honest guys I've met online, he keeps meeting unstable women. And I guess I was the only one that wasn't fat or unstable. I generally avoid confrontation when possible, but he asked twice so I gave in and told him that it was less that he turned me off, more that I felt no spark and we were very different types of people. I did suggest, that for me in the early stages of dating, I like to take it slow. I.e. don't text me all day long while I'm at work, say good morning, good night etc. There's no mystery there. And we're not in a relationship. I want to know a guy's interested. But I've had a ton of guys text me and talk future and what not that were seriously just looking to get laid. So I want slow and steady. When he was texting me hours on end, I had 3 other guys doing the same thing. It didn't feel special. And most of them were looking to get laid. lol Well, he didn't much like what I had to say. I should have guessed it. I just told him how I feel about it. OH well.
cerridwen Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Hey, Daphne. Did you actually tell him that 3 other guys were texting you at the same time? I couldn't tell from the post if you included those details in the conversation.
Star Gazer Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 He didn't react well at which part? The "no spark" thing? Or the "don't be texting me so often" part?
Author daphne Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 Hey, Daphne. Did you actually tell him that 3 other guys were texting you at the same time? I couldn't tell from the post if you included those details in the conversation. Oh no. I wouldn't be that rude.
Author daphne Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 He didn't react well at which part? The "no spark" thing? Or the "don't be texting me so often" part? It was the last part. He said that most women got upset that he didn't communicate enough. I was thinking that he must be used to dating very clingy women. He also said that if I had been interested enough, I would have wanted to text him all of the time. Uh... not true. I dated 2 guys last year that I liked a lot. We didn't talk on the phone and text all of the time. We actually went out on dates and saw each other. NOVELTY.
Nukulus Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 I wish more people would do this. I know I'm guilty of the brush off, non confrontational thing too--But I think it would be really refreshing to hear from someone who isn't interested that -"Hey, I'm just not interested because of ... " Now obviously I wouldn't say anything rude or hurtful, but it's better than the "Yea, I'd like to get together again, but I'm busy for the next 3 years so... " I mean we're all grown ups (hopefully) and we all can read between the lines so why not just come out with it. Especially if you've gone on 3-4 dates and there hasn't been anything obviously gone wrong. I just had it happen to me... went on three great dates over 3-4 weeks. Went on a 4th date- brought flowers (not roses or anything cliche) and everything just seemed off. Haven't heard from her since- Why? Eff if I know.
Star Gazer Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 It was the last part. He said that most women got upset that he didn't communicate enough. I was thinking that he must be used to dating very clingy women. He also said that if I had been interested enough, I would have wanted to text him all of the time. Uh... not true. I dated 2 guys last year that I liked a lot. We didn't talk on the phone and text all of the time. We actually went out on dates and saw each other. NOVELTY. Well, even if that were true, you'd already told him you didn't feel the spark to begin with, so there was nothing he really could have done to make you more interested, only less so. It was stupid of him to try to argue with you about it. I've been in your shoes though. I've had several guys over the years ask for feedback about why I didn't want to pursue things further. What I don't get is that literally ALL of them got insanely defensive and lashed out at me in response to my stated "reason." Obviously, there was something that bothered me that made me not want to pursue things further, so obviously whatever it is is going to be something they don't want to hear. So, why ask unless they can handle it and accept it like a man? Boggles my mind.
Nukulus Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Well, even if that were true, you'd already told him you didn't feel the spark to begin with, so there was nothing he really could have done to make you more interested, only less so. It was stupid of him to try to argue with you about it. I've been in your shoes though. I've had several guys over the years ask for feedback about why I didn't want to pursue things further. What I don't get is that literally ALL of them got insanely defensive and lashed out at me in response to my stated "reason." Obviously, there was something that bothered me that made me not want to pursue things further, so obviously whatever it is is going to be something they don't want to hear. So, why ask unless they can handle it and accept it like a man? Boggles my mind. Hmm... I think these are the same crazies who respond rudely if you were to write a "thanks, but I don't think we're a good match" type of response to an email online. Personally, I'd just like to know for curiosities sake. I wouldn't be rude about it.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 It is very nice of both of you (daphne and Star Gazer) to get back to these guys. You were really giving them a gift, no matter how hard it might be to accept this about themselves. (Or actually, maybe even because of.) Their only response to you should have been out of gratitude.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 I'm thinking of leaving online dating myself. I mean, the women are nice enough, but I'm not a fan of the process itself. It feels less like a story naturally unfolding, and more like two dogs sniffing each other out (under the guise of "meeting up for coffee/drinks/dinner").
Author daphne Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 Well, even if that were true, you'd already told him you didn't feel the spark to begin with, so there was nothing he really could have done to make you more interested, only less so. It was stupid of him to try to argue with you about it. I've been in your shoes though. I've had several guys over the years ask for feedback about why I didn't want to pursue things further. What I don't get is that literally ALL of them got insanely defensive and lashed out at me in response to my stated "reason." Obviously, there was something that bothered me that made me not want to pursue things further, so obviously whatever it is is going to be something they don't want to hear. So, why ask unless they can handle it and accept it like a man? Boggles my mind. He wasn't intensely defensive, but he did get defensive. It sort of defeated the purpose of trying to kindly tell someone that I think we've all wanted to know before. If you don't want advice, why ask??? I guess we should ask some of the perpetual peole who ask for advice here, receive bonafide great advice (it can happen) and then go into denial. Hmm... I think these are the same crazies who respond rudely if you were to write a "thanks, but I don't think we're a good match" type of response to an email online. I've had that happen. Oh boy was that funny stuff. I'm thinking of leaving online dating myself. I mean, the women are nice enough, but I'm not a fan of the process itself. It feels less like a story naturally unfolding, and more like two dogs sniffing each other out (under the guise of "meeting up for coffee/drinks/dinner"). Yeah. I take the organic approach to try to slowly get to know someone and feel them out. I receive less than organic approaches from men. I had one guy last year tell me that he had cyber stalked me to find out if I was crazy like his ex. The other guy asked me amillion questions to see if my life was something he could deal with. Up to asking if my cat cried all of the time, if the dog next door barked all of the time, if I liked to sing opera all of the time and what my schedule for going to and from work was. I think he was autistic or something. lol
chryssy83 Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Yeah I was honest in response to questions like that twice...one guy called me a narcissist and a liar. For saying I thought he and I had incompatible views on finances because I am really conservative and he is a risk taker. The other listened to what I said, then sent me texts all the time to convince me he had changed or I misread him. Yep. Then when I told him I am seeing someone he sent me a list of 57 qualities the guy must possess to be good enough to love me. Good idea in theory, but man did I regret being so open....
Mrlonelyone Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 I have had to let people down myself. I just say I don't feel that way about them. While it's stressful at first all subsequent interactions are much smoother that way. Maybe it's wierd that such situations don't make me uncomfortable. What does is when that person you just brushed off or were brushed off by bumps into you or something.
EnigmaticClarity Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 (edited) It was the last part. He said that most women got upset that he didn't communicate enough. I was thinking that he must be used to dating very clingy women. He also said that if I had been interested enough, I would have wanted to text him all of the time. Uh... not true. I dated 2 guys last year that I liked a lot. We didn't talk on the phone and text all of the time. We actually went out on dates and saw each other. NOVELTY. Did you tell him you didn't like getting texts at work while you were seeing him? It's fine for you not to like it, quite another thing to hold it against him and not even tell him. If he was texting you when you both weren't able to meet up, it means he really liked you...but you wanted him to like you less, I guess? If you had been highly attracted to him, would the texts have mattered? Edited February 10, 2012 by EnigmaticClarity
FitChick Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 One rejection I like to use if I sense a man has a fragile ego is to tell him, "You deserve someone so much better than I am." How could they get angry?
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 I've been in your shoes though. I've had several guys over the years ask for feedback about why I didn't want to pursue things further. What I don't get is that literally ALL of them got insanely defensive and lashed out at me in response to my stated "reason." Obviously, there was something that bothered me that made me not want to pursue things further, so obviously whatever it is is going to be something they don't want to hear. So, why ask unless they can handle it and accept it like a man? Boggles my mind. I actually asked that question all the time... but I rarely get a response. When I do... I take it as constructive criticism and just reply with a polite thanks. Sometimes these guys can't take the rejection and criticism. They lash out a bit. Personally I think you ladies have to be really out of touch to have this bother you. Who cares if the guy lashes out a bit. YOU just rejected HIM... not the other way around. In my opinion, if I can get rejected all the time and not take it personal... you should be able to handle the backlash of some criticism no prob.
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