does age affect what you find attractive?

[binny]

I was at a formal evening work event the a couple weeks ago and I went by myself as had no one to go with, which didn't really bother me. A couple of collegues husbands made a comment which I didn't quite understand.. They are both older than I am but they both asked me why I'm single and why I couldn't find a guy to invite with me as my partner. They both said I am a "bonnie lass" (I don't agree with this.. but everyone is entitled to their opinion) and am independent, intelligent, etc and they just couldn't understand why I was there by myself. This isn't the first time that older men have made comments like this to me.

 

So I guess my question is, are these men just trying to make me feel better? Or if they are being truthful, why do guys my age not find me attractive, when according to older men I'm a "good catch"? As you get older, does your view on what is attractive change?

[g450]

I would say they were actually complimenting you.

 

As in "what's a fine looking speciment like you doing here without a date?"

 

Im 50 and generally speaking, my attraction scale move with my age and that usually means women my own age or 5-10 years younger or older.

 

And attraction is much more than just looks. I just prefer women my age or older for the most part.

[FitChick]

I get that all the time, "How come no man has snapped you up?" or recently "Why would any man ever let you go?"

 

OP, are you in Scotland?

[Oxy Moronovich]

Yes, as you get older, your view of what is attractive changes. Generally speaking, young people want thrilling, exciting relationships and partners they read in pop culture. They want really hot relationships for the moment, even if it is only for a short while.

 

As they get older, people want a more stable, long-term relationship. They come to the conclusion that the thrilling relationship is unstable and unfulfilling.

 

I'm 27. Guys my age are looking for hot, exciting women. Not intelligent and independent. Those old guys who commented you were saying you have the qualities of a good housewife. And those are the qualities older guys care for the most in women.

[bridget]

I get that all the time, "How come no man has snapped you up?" or recently "Why would any man ever let you go?"

 

OP, are you in Scotland?

 

This screamed Scotland to me, too. I miss the place!

 

I think expectations and values inavoidably change as we age. Through choice and necessity. I know - at 26 - what I look for now is completely different to what I looked for at 21.

 

I don't think they are just trying to make you feel better. They are older and, I assume, a little wiser so value and appreciate things about you which men your age might not be "seeing" yet. How old are you? If you don't mind the question!

[FitChick]

I'm 27. Guys my age are looking for hot, exciting women. Not intelligent and independent. Those old guys who commented you were saying you have the qualities of a good housewife. And those are the qualities older guys care for the most in women.

 

Then I must be hot and exciting because the below 40 crowd seem more interested than men my own age. Maybe I should wear an apron and put my hair up in curlers so I look like a housewife.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Ever since I was old enough to date I've been approached/hit on in majority by men in their 30's (and now sometimes even 40's). I actually take it as a compliment, and have never really minded it because I'm most attracted to men in their 30's anyways.

 

Men learn to appreciate more characteristics in a woman as they age, such as depth of character, independence, maturity, etc. Many men in their 20's are caught up in the physical and don't see the value of these traits.

 

This isn't to say that you are unattractive; just that you have qualities that older men appreciate and value more than younger men. I think it's a good thing, personally.

[USMCHokie]

Men learn to appreciate more characteristics in a woman as they age, such as depth of character, independence, maturity, etc. Many men in their 20's are caught up in the physical and don't see the value of these traits.

 

Women are just as apt to do this...

 

This isn't to say that you are unattractive; just that you have qualities that older men appreciate and value more than younger men. I think it's a good thing, personally.

 

I hope you're right...the woman who is 18 years older than me is coming to visit tomorrow...

[kiss_andmakeup]

Women are just as apt to do this...

 

I never said they weren't, but that's not really what the thread is about, is it?

 

I've always been somewhat atypical for my age group in the values I seek out in a mate. The older I get, the more I realize that I've been on the right track. My current boyfriend is the most attractive mate I've had by far, but still not what many girls my age would consider a "hottie" (I think he is, of course). Physical attraction is nice, but there are other things I value more.

Edited February 10, 2012 by kiss_andmakeup

[USMCHokie]

Physical attraction is nice, but there are other things I value more.

 

I guess this is the secret...finding the women that realize this...unfortunately for a lot of them, it takes getting burned a few times...

[D-Lish]

Has getting older changed what I deem attractive?

 

Not physically, no.

 

I'd take the ugly Jonas Brother over Jon Bon Jovi.

[kaylan]

Ever since I was old enough to date I've been approached/hit on in majority by men in their 30's (and now sometimes even 40's). I actually take it as a compliment, and have never really minded it because I'm most attracted to men in their 30's anyways.

 

Men learn to appreciate more characteristics in a woman as they age, such as depth of character, independence, maturity, etc. Many men in their 20's are caught up in the physical and don't see the value of these traits.

 

This isn't to say that you are unattractive; just that you have qualities that older men appreciate and value more than younger men. I think it's a good thing, personally.

Funny thing is that most older dudes are with you for this exact same reason. And they also get the social proof that shows others theyve still "got it".

 

Same thing for cougars and young dudes.

 

Not saying older folks never take us 20-somethings seriously when it comes to relationships, but its rare. Most of the time its just for fun sexual thrills.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Funny thing is that most older dudes are with you for this exact same reason. And they also get the social proof that shows others theyve still "got it".

 

My last two relationships have been with men 11 (my last boyfriend) years and 7 (my current boyfriend) years older than me. Interestingly enough I have felt less valued for my looks than I did when I was in my high school and college relationships with guys my own age.

 

I'm not saying there isn't physical attraction, but I don't feel like "arm candy" or just a sexual object.

 

In my current relationship, quite the contrary. I feel that if my boyfriend truly valued looks above all else, he could certainly date someone "hotter" or "younger" (or both) than me.

 

As for the "they still got it" thing...well...I guess they do.

[Star Gazer]

I get that all the time, "How come no man has snapped you up?" or recently "Why would any man ever let you go?"

 

Same here, from men aged 30 to 60.

[Star Gazer]

Physical attraction is nice, but there are other things I value more.

 

Again, same here. Good looks will only get a guy so far.

[spookie]

Probably not your typical response, but I feel more lost about what i am looking for now than I ever did my teens/ early 20's.

 

RP captured my sentiment really well in some other thread. I thought it was so good I bothered to dig it up:

 

When I was younger I knew what I wanted. I either didn't find it or wanted the wrong thing, but I knew. As time goes by, we start feeling desperate and try to reconcile reality with our dreams. We try to imagine the best realistic man and we struggle creating his image, so we resort to trial and error. We use the check point system to persuade ourselves that this is "it" when we know it's not.

 

[kaylan]

My last two relationships have been with men 11 (my last boyfriend) years and 7 (my current boyfriend) years older than me. Interestingly enough I have felt less valued for my looks than I did when I was in my high school and college relationships with guys my own age.

You give them too much credit. All you really need to do is be a man, in the company of older men, to know how they view much younger woman.

 

Obviously they wont make it apparent to you since keeping you is the goal. I mean lets be real, look at how some dudes on this very website talk different of women once they get over 30. I wonder what the older guys you date think of women their own age.

 

Its possible that the guy you are with now is different from most older folks in relationships, but lets not be so naive to think that older folks date us younger people for the most honorable reasons all the time. Most of the time its simply because our youth is valued and a lot of that stems on looks and feeling theyve still "got it" We see it all the time from the way older women and men speak here.

 

I'm not saying there isn't physical attraction, but I don't feel like "arm candy" or just a sexual object.

As I said, we wont make someone feel that way if we want to keep them around, even if we think certain things about them.

 

 

In my current relationship, quite the contrary. I feel that if my boyfriend truly valued looks above all else, he could certainly date someone "hotter" or "younger" (or both) than me.

 

As for the "they still got it" thing...well...I guess they do.

I wonder if hed have dated you if you were a year older than him, but still the exact same person you are at this very moment.

 

All I am saying is that it seems that most of the older guys who date much younger girls have a distinct aversion to dating women their own age, and god forbid, older gals.

 

Seriously, ask him the question I posed.

[kaylan]

Again, same here. Good looks will only get a guy so far.

Ding ding ding.

 

This is why you ladies get asked "Why hasnt anyone snatched you up yet?"...Its because you have something missing....you dont have all the components that make a dude wanna snatch ya up. And without all the right components, you will only get so far.

 

Something is off kilter. Now assuming you are actively looking for a partner, but cant, Id assume that:

 

1. You have the looks, but lack the qualities that dudes look for in a long term girlfriend. Which plays into the idea that looks will only get you so far.

 

or

 

2. You have the good girlfriend qualities, but just havent found someone you find attractive, or havent found someone with good qualities who finds you attractive.

 

Thats the luck of the draw in dating. Finding someone with everything.

 

Lucky for me that I am not looking for a long term relationship at the moment. Im still in my young guys phase of dating around. I do declare this isnt a bad state of affairs in the least, especially considering how rare it is to find someone that I fit with relationship wise. Though I could snatch up a girlfriend if I really wanted to, but she wouldnt be my 'it' girl.

 

Gotta have that feeling.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I wonder if hed have dated you if you were a year older than him, but still the exact same person you are at this very moment.

 

His last girlfriend, who he dated for 6 years, was a year older than him. And they probably would have stayed together if she hadn't cheated him.

 

So I really don't think age is the major draw for him. He obviously has no problem dating women his own age or older.

 

You're making a lot of blanket statements here, and while they may be true for some relationships, they're not true for all. You're phrasing it as though an older man can't have a genuine connection with a younger woman ( and we're only talking about ~10 years difference here, which I don't consider to be "much younger" as you stated). That's just simply not the case.

[Star Gazer]

Something is off kilter. Now assuming you are actively looking for a partner, but cant, Id assume that:

 

1. You have the looks, but lack the qualities that dudes look for in a long term girlfriend. Which plays into the idea that looks will only get you so far.

 

or

 

2. You have the good girlfriend qualities, but just havent found someone you find attractive, or havent found someone with good qualities who finds you attractive.

 

For me, it's neither of these. It's that I have good girlfriend AND WIFE qualities, but I just haven't found someone I find attractive who ALSO has good boyfriend/HUSBAND qualities.

 

One of my guy friends has literally been telling me I need to settle, that I won't find everything I'm looking for (quality wise) in a man that I'm also attracted to. I refuse to believe him or buy into that.

[kaylan]

His last girlfriend, who he dated for 6 years, was a year older than him. And they probably would have stayed together if she hadn't cheated him.

 

So I really don't think age is the major draw for him. He obviously has no problem dating women his own age or older.

 

You're making a lot of blanket statements here, and while they may be true for some relationships, they're not true for all. You're phrasing it as though an older man can't have a genuine connection with a younger woman ( and we're only talking about ~10 years difference here, which I don't consider to be "much younger" as you stated). That's just simply not the case.

Blanket statements exist for a reason.

 

Notice I am not saying all people do this or that, but Im saying many or most do this or that.

 

Its not hard to see why many relationships with large age differences generally work the same way, or begin and end the same way.

 

Sure some older men can have a genuine connection with younger women, and sure older women can have the same with a younger man....but thats generally not the case.

 

A lot of the time its usually a physical thing that doesnt end up in the long term.

 

Exceptions dont make the rules, and they dont change the fact that the way a lot of men speak on this forum, is how a lot of men think in real life. Thats all I am saying.

[kaylan]

For me, it's neither of these. It's that I have good girlfriend AND WIFE qualities, but I just haven't found someone I find attractive who ALSO has good boyfriend/HUSBAND qualities.

 

One of my guy friends has literally been telling me I need to settle, that I won't find everything I'm looking for (quality wise) in a man that I'm also attracted to. I refuse to believe him or buy into that.

I was in the process of adding number 3, but you guys replied before I could edit my post.

 

The bottom of that post, which explains my situation, is basically your situation as well.

 

Youve got the goods, but you havent found someone else with the goods yet. It kinda sucks sometimes, but we keep trucking.

 

NEVER SETTLE.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Blanket statements exist for a reason.

 

Nah, stereotypes exist for a reason, but blanket statements made by one person are a little different. I've actually heard the opposite: that relationships work out better when the man is older. So there's my "blanket statement."

 

Notice I am not saying all people do this or that, but Im saying many or most do this or that.

 

Its not hard to see why many relationships with large age differences generally work the same way, or begin and end the same way.

 

Sure some older men can have a genuine connection with younger women, and sure older women can have the same with a younger man....but thats generally not the case.

 

A lot of the time its usually a physical thing that doesnt end up in the long term.

I agree if we're talking about a 40 year old dating a 20 year old. There's just nothing they could have in common.

 

But a 25 year old dating a 35 year old? Or a 24 year old dating a 31 year old (as in my case)? That's nothing. I have more in common with my boyfriend than anyone I've ever dated, including men my age or younger.

[kaylan]

Nah, stereotypes exist for a reason, but blanket statements made by one person are a little different. I've actually heard the opposite: that relationships work out better when the man is older. So there's my "blanket statement."

Define "older" Studies do exist showing that most date within their age group and are better off doing so...at least from an aging and kids standpoint. Not to mention being in the same life stages or having things in common.

 

Sure Id date a significantly older gal for fun, but Id know it wouldnt be something that could lead to marriage.

 

I agree if we're talking about a 40 year old dating a 20 year old. There's just nothing they could have in common.

 

But a 25 year old dating a 35 year old? Or a 24 year old dating a 31 year old (as in my case)? That's nothing. I have more in common with my boyfriend than anyone I've ever dated, including men my age or younger.

Thats nothing? Hahaha ok sure. Most 25 year olds wouldnt date 10 years older. Hell most wouldnt go above 5 years. 5 years can be A LOT when it comes to different stages of life and having things in common as well.

 

I personally keep a 3 up, 3 down rule in dating. Im 25 so I prefer 22 to 28 year old woman. Women younger than 22 tend to be way too immature and not on my level in life experience, and women over 28 are way to ready to settle down, making me a bad choice for them.

 

You have more in common with your boyfriend because you just do. Doesnt mean age and experience doesnt play into that like it does most people. Like I said before, exceptions dont make the rules. Theres a reason people usually hang out and date people around their age.

[TheFinalWord]

Thats nothing? Hahaha ok sure. Most 25 year olds wouldnt date 10 years older. Hell most wouldnt go above 5 years. 5 years can be A LOT when it comes to different stages of life and having things in common as well.

 

Yeah I'm inclined to agree.

 

I'm in my early 30s and I've dated a few women who were 24. I know it doesn't seem like a lot on paper, but between the ages of 25 and 30 most people change a lot.

 

I found those women could not relate to a lot of key areas of my life. For example, they were still in college whereas I had been in the professional work world for 5 years already. Just a lot of experiences in those years between 25 and 30 that have a big impact on the mature adult we tend to become in our 30s.

 

Not saying it won't work for you though! I don't know you. But I will say most women in their early 20s are pretty immature. Not necessarily in their behaviors, but just their philosophy of life....and yeah their behaviors too How many women in their 30s are still clubbin' Most don't have much of a long-term vision for their life. Guys in their 30s tend to have life visions by that point.

 

Women in their 20s do look good though! LOL

Edited February 10, 2012 by TheFinalWord