frozensprouts Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 it sounds more like you view the guy you are with as a safety net than someone you love. that's understandable...you've been with him a long time ( really, a 16 year old is, in a lot of ways, still a child) and now you're an adult and want to see more of what the adult world has to offer you. I have heard this before from people who get involved at a really young age ( happens here a lot...a lot of guys in thye miltary marry their girlfriends at a really young age...this way, they can move out of barracks, get a house and be an "adult" at 18....problem is, after a few years, they have matured a lot more from where they were at 18, and they want to see much more of what life has to offer...lots of cheating and divorces seem to happen around here when people are around 23-24. It sounds like sex isn't the only thing you could be curious about...it doesn't sound like you've really had a chance to live on your own, in your own place with things that are all "yours"...if you stay with this guy, you may very well end up being very unhappy in the future, as you may always wonder about the life you never really got to have If you were my daughter in your situation ( and if you were my daughter, you wouldn't be in that situation...i would have found out where you were and dragged your butt back home and then maybe throttled you:laugh:...out of love) i would tell you the same thing... try being on your own for a while...give yourself a chance to see if being with this guy really is what you want or if you have another path to take. If you get lonely and want some company, don't go back to this guy, instead get a budgie...they are sweet, will talk to you, like to have fun, and won't smack you around when the get angry( but they may just bite your finger:laugh:)seriously, give yourself the chance that you never got to live your life of your own terms in your own space ( your posts make me sad for you...i almost never say this on here, but i see in your posts a little girl who could use a hug and an assurance that they have it in them to do great things on their own....so here they are (((hug))) and a vote for you being well able to move on in your life and be a happy, strong, resilient person ( sorry of that sounded patronizing, I didn't mean it to)
Author JainDowe Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 it sounds more like you view the guy you are with as a safety net than someone you love. that's understandable...you've been with him a long time ( really, a 16 year old is, in a lot of ways, still a child) and now you're an adult and want to see more of what the adult world has to offer you. I have heard this before from people who get involved at a really young age ( happens here a lot...a lot of guys in thye miltary marry their girlfriends at a really young age...this way, they can move out of barracks, get a house and be an "adult" at 18....problem is, after a few years, they have matured a lot more from where they were at 18, and they want to see much more of what life has to offer...lots of cheating and divorces seem to happen around here when people are around 23-24. It sounds like sex isn't the only thing you could be curious about...it doesn't sound like you've really had a chance to live on your own, in your own place with things that are all "yours"...if you stay with this guy, you may very well end up being very unhappy in the future, as you may always wonder about the life you never really got to have If you were my daughter in your situation ( and if you were my daughter, you wouldn't be in that situation...i would have found out where you were and dragged your butt back home and then maybe throttled you:laugh:...out of love) i would tell you the same thing... try being on your own for a while...give yourself a chance to see if being with this guy really is what you want or if you have another path to take. If you get lonely and want some company, don't go back to this guy, instead get a budgie...they are sweet, will talk to you, like to have fun, and won't smack you around when the get angry( but they may just bite your finger:laugh:)seriously, give yourself the chance that you never got to live your life of your own terms in your own space ( your posts make me sad for you...i almost never say this on here, but i see in your posts a little girl who could use a hug and an assurance that they have it in them to do great things on their own....so here they are (((hug))) and a vote for you being well able to move on in your life and be a happy, strong, resilient person ( sorry of that sounded patronizing, I didn't mean it to) I really appreciate your kind words, advice, and motivation.. It seems like you can really see me.. My Mom tries to be supportive, but it's hard for her to give me advice..I think it's because she's afraid to steer me in the wrong direction. You're right it's not just about sex, I think it's also about the life experience, because I felt like I was "missing out" for a long time.. I just don't want to look back on my life, and be devastated by my regrets & mistakes. It's just really hard to explain, how I feel in detail enough to make someone else understand it, I feel like you understood it better than most..Thank you.
Author JainDowe Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 oldguy, Did you read my reply post back to you?? Just anxious about what you thought??
Bugz Bunny Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 (edited) Hi Jain First I must say that this english language is damn hard to learn 100 %...I understand everything but spelling is killing me... Your problem is that you started a serious relationship with only 16 years and with a guy that is much older then you...you never had a chance to experience the beauty of living and being a teenager... You are now in an age that your boyfriend was when the two of you got together...now try to imagine yourself in an serious relathionship with an 16 year old boy.Do you think it looks ridiculous because I think it looks... I think that you were forced (by your own choice and by the path you choose 10 years ago) to grow up to fast...I think we all live only one time and I think that you wasted a lot of time on being emotional and phisical abused and I think that you should live at least one year on your own,be indenpendent and enjoy life and experience a lot of beautiful stuff that you never had a chance to do... Its easy for your boyfriend to settle down now because he is almost 40 and already experienced a lot of great things even before the two of you got together... With all this abuse you lived a life of a 30,40 year old women that is 10 - 20 years married instead of living as a young girl and enjoying this only one life that we have...so you should break up with him,live alone at least for a year and let life surprise you with new things... Whatever you decide I wish you the best Good Luck Edited February 10, 2012 by Bugz Bunny
Kidd Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 I wish I had time to write more. Your story is compelling because you have several different choices in front of you and each is life altering in one way or another. My first instinct is to say to be patient with this forum. There are a lot of veteran posters on here with sage advice. I can't express that enough. Don't rush this decision. Get advice. Some people are obviously idiots. Take what works for you and ignore the rest. But keep posting and you'll get a better idea of what wisdom there is here. To be brief, I can tell you that cheating won't work. You will damage your own integrity and self-esteem and the rabbit hole never ends. Ultimately (especially if you ever want a healthy marriage), it requires honesty. If you cannot be honest, you will build resentment for your partner. It sounds backwards but it is true. They are not mind readers, yet, you'll eventually resent them for failing to meet your needs. And that resentment comes out eventually. I challenge you to truly try to communicate openly and honestly. You may be surprised at what you get in return. I will also say that almost everyone underestimates the absolute devastation that infidelity causes. This is an absolutely terrible choice no matter what convoluted justification you draw up in your mind (he wouldn't want to know, etc). When he finds out, it will destroy his world. I doubt you know what it takes to repair that damage. It is a ridiculous commitment but one you would owe him for betraying him. In short, stay faithful or get out. As for open relationships, they do appear to work at first. But they almost all fail over time. I can't take the time to convince you at the moment but I suspect others will chime in. My quick thought is that you ultimately want a monogamous marriage and children. Maybe with this guy, maybe not. If this is the case, you're going to have to learn how to be monogamous. Right now you are tempted. It seems overwhelming. Guess what? Everyone is tempted. All of us. To stay monogamous, you have to have good boundaries that don't put you on a slippery slope to cheating. Instead of engaging those fantasies of another man, you bring your libido back home, get honest about what is a turn on for you, and grt kinky with your partner. The commitment is what is ultimately more important than a roll in the hay with a stranger. You get to a point where the concept of going outside the relationship is simply not an option. You work on the relationship endlessly (which is what it takes, you know, forever) or you let the other person go. But if you don't solve this problem now, you should know that you will just take it into the next relationship with you. I believe monogamy is the crux of the problem for you. Search your soul. Do you really need to sow your wild oats? Or in reality, do you already know you'd prefer a monogamous relationship and children? If that's the case, you need to learn how to be monogamous and commit to it. You can learn a lot of that here. As for this guy, I don't know if he's the right one for you. Only you can decide that (and if you can forgive him for how he acted before). Personally, I give him some credit for making big changes for you and your relationship. He sounds like he would do anything for you and is offering things he shouldn't (and that you shouldn't be asking for). I wish you luck because I think you are at a big crossroads and asking for help. I have a busy weekend coming up but hope you will continue to post and grt ideas. I'll try to check in when I can.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 I was very confused when I posted this earlier, I'd been searching the internet, because of lack of having someone to talk to about my problems, when I stumbled across this community. I want to thank everyone for their opinions and advice so far. I'm still not sure what to do so please keep the advice coming. You were very young when you started up with this guy. I think you need to date other guys and let him go. Do it while he is still young enough to find someone new. I'm a guy and his actions strike me as controlling and highly abusive... even now. I'm not someone who always says breakup... but in this case... one night with another guy won't make this go away. You need to try some new relationships.
make me believe Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 All I can say is somebody who emotionally and physically abuses the person they supposedly love for YEARS doesn't just flip a switch and become a new person who has "changed." He is an ABUSER and because you've shown him that you'll put up with it, I'd bet money that he will abuse you again (and probably even worse) in the future if you stay with him. The last thing you need is an "open relationship" with this as*hole. You need to GET AWAY FROM HIM. Really, I'm not surprised that a guy who started dating a teenager when he was in his mid-twenties turned out to be abusive. It's just sad that you've wasted so much of your youth on him. Hopefully you will open your eyes and not waste anymore of your life with somebody who has zero respect for you, and in fact is dangerous for you to be around.
oldguy Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 oldguy, Did you read my reply post back to you?? Just anxious about what you thought?? Yes, sorry, I've been sitting back reading others input. Usually I would listen, echo what your reallysaying back to you and allow you to choose your own course because untimely it is your life. I like how frozensprouts put it. If you where my daughter you would have never left home at 16 to move in with a man especially one in his 20's. He would still be serving time for statutory. I mentioned this at the beginning; there is a good reason there are laws protecting 16 yo children from older predators. Jain your current life coarse is perverse to say the least. You simply did not develop past 16 in an emotionally, socially structured healthy manner. It's like at 16 you got off of the main road & have been on a dirt road ever since. Everything you learned you where taught by a controlling, manipulative man. I understand you love him. It is common for a victim to admire & even deeply love the one who victimizes them. Jain, you need to get out & away & you need a counselor/mentor and a long time to help you regain what you have lost. Your like a young girl who was kidnapped at a young age & held captive for years. Even though you have had physical freedoms you have been held developmentally & emotionally captive. What your wanting isn't a stray relationship it's a normal one. I'm sorry for being so blunt but please consider what I've said. On a psychological level your story has some striking similarities to Tanya Nicole Kach's, "Memoir of a Milk Carton Kid".
Author JainDowe Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 Hi Jain First I must say that this english language is damn hard to learn 100 %...I understand everything but spelling is killing me... Your problem is that you started a serious relationship with only 16 years and with a guy that is much older then you...you never had a chance to experience the beauty of living and being a teenager... You are now in an age that your boyfriend was when the two of you got together...now try to imagine yourself in an serious relathionship with an 16 year old boy.Do you think it looks ridiculous because I think it looks... You're right, I missed out on a lot of things. But in my mind, I was conscious of the things I was missing out on, and was okay, with that because in return in my mind I was getting this "love of a lifetime" experience, that some people go there whole lives without seeing....I'm still not sure how to figure out which is more important. In a perfect world there would be an even balance. I do think it looks ridiculous now. I couldn't see myself with a 16 year old boy, in any situation. But back then when I was 16 years old it seemed cool. Our age difference, never bothered me per se, just our different life experiences. I think that you were forced (by your own choice and by the path you choose 10 years ago) to grow up to fast...I think we all live only one time and I think that you wasted a lot of time on being emotional and phisical abused and I think that you should live at least one year on your own,be indenpendent and enjoy life and experience a lot of beautiful stuff that you never had a chance to do... Its easy for your boyfriend to settle down now because he is almost 40 and already experienced a lot of great things even before the two of you got together... I spent a great deal of time worrying about wasting time...how that makes since I don't know. I know he'd had a whole lifetime of life experience when we started our relationship. With all this abuse you lived a life of a 30,40 year old women that is 10 - 20 years married instead of living as a young girl and enjoying this only one life that we have...so you should break up with him,live alone at least for a year and let life surprise you with new things... Whatever you decide I wish you the best Good Luck I do often feel much older than I actually am. I've had to keep reminding myself of how old I actually am, my whole life. It doesn't seem like I was ever a child, even before my relationship. Thank you very much for your advice. And I'd like to say that your English writing is actually very good! I understand everything perfectly!
Author JainDowe Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 I wanted to let everyone know I have read your advice.. I had a very long day, I just got home, and I will be commenting on each one individually. Thank you to everyone that responded!
oldguy Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) Jain, there's something intrinsically wrong with a 26 year old man who engages in any form of relationship with a 16 year old child. I don't understand what could have possibly made your mother think this type of arrangement was ok. I can only assume she's as emotionally maladjusted as your boyfriend is. The others are right - one doesn't magically just stop their abusive behavior; it simply lies dormant while he tries to control it because the consequences of indulging in his abusive anger will cause you to leave him. He knows this, so he suppresses it. But you'd be very SADLY mistaken to assume he's suddenly cured of that ugly, dark side of him. Look, your first clue that he isn't normal is the fact that he couldn't have a relationship with someone his own age - he had to pick a teenage girl in high school, for God's sakes. As the others have indicated, there's a reason for that - he can influence you, he can mold you and shape the woman you'll become - to his benefit. That's all about CONTROL. He knew his chances of doing that with a grown woman his own age were slight at best. You never HAD a chance to experience what other teenagers experience - dating, heartbreak, angst, parties, graduating high school, college, sororities, clubbing, socializing, relationships, romance, and all the crazy stuff that goes with it. It's like that entire phase of your life passed you right on by while you were under this guys' thumb (and control). There's something SO wrong with this guy. You may not have seen it at 16 because no one EXPECTED you to have any life experience at that age and to be able to know the difference. Your mother should have protected you from him, but she didn't. But you're old enough to know NOW, and that's why you're questioning this relationship. And you should be. I think all or all most all of us agree with you on this. The 26 yo dating a 16 yo is a huge red flag. We all agree also that the physical abuse may have ended, for now, but the emotional, social & DEVELOPMENTAL abuse continues. Your absolutely right; this "little girl's" development has been warped in a very perverse way by a man with obvious control issues. As I noted early; On a psychological level her story has some striking similarities to Tanya Nicole Kach's, "Memoir of a Milk Carton Kid" & even Jaycee Lee Dugard's story. Even though I'm guessing she was not kidnapped a few of us have wondered why a 16 yo girl comes to live with a 26 year old man. And once again; in cases of abuse over a period of time it is common for the victim to develop feeling they equate with love for the abuser. JAINDOWE; I have another question, you said you got your GED so this means you quit school. Why did you quit school, did you HAVE to work, did you stay home & take care of the home & this man? Did you continue to live in the same area after you moved in with him? Do you continue to have contact with your parents, siblings or any friends you had before moving in with him? Edited February 11, 2012 by oldguy
Author JainDowe Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 I just wanted to update you all on my situation at hand..and answer a few quesitons.... Firstly, I am in a somewhat more fragail state than before..I've been on the verge of crying all morning..I had planned to go see my 'crush' this morning at his place, for the first time..(He asked me to) I'd made these plans earlier in the week, that's why I started this post asking for advice about my situation, and whether or not to cheat.. I was trying to talk myself into making a decision to go or not. The truth is that I really want to go..but I understand that it's temptation..and that everyone experiences it, like some of you have expressed. I have pretty good self control, keeping myself from doing something I shouldn't, isn't that hard to handle. It's just that I wanted to go, because I've exprienced these feeling of wanting to sleep with someone else for a few years now, and discussed it thurougholy with my SO. We are getting married in May, and since cheating isn't an option after we get married, I wanted to go ahead and do it now, so it will be over by then. But I've decided not to because I just don't think I can handle it. My consious is already killing me, with the thought of going over there this morning. I've thought about making this decision constantly going over every senario in my head. I got up this morning and showered, but when I started to put my makeup on I just couldn't do it without tears coming to my eyes. The thought of doing my SO wrong, almost paralyzes me with fear. I don't want to be a scumbag. Cheating to me is one of the worst things to do to someone in my opinion. That's why I asked him for his permission, when I first started wanting to do this, and told him he could. But I agree with all of you, if I do it, and he finds out (or I end up telling him because I can't stand the guilt) he will resent me. And looking back on our relationship, besides me dealing with these urges, that is the really the only real problem, I've caused this whole time. I think I'm already feeling a little better.
Author JainDowe Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 All I can say is somebody who emotionally and physically abuses the person they supposedly love for YEARS doesn't just flip a switch and become a new person who has "changed." He is an ABUSER and because you've shown him that you'll put up with it, I'd bet money that he will abuse you again (and probably even worse) in the future if you stay with him. The last thing you need is an "open relationship" with this as*hole. You need to GET AWAY FROM HIM. Really, I'm not surprised that a guy who started dating a teenager when he was in his mid-twenties turned out to be abusive. It's just sad that you've wasted so much of your youth on him. Hopefully you will open your eyes and not waste anymore of your life with somebody who has zero respect for you, and in fact is dangerous for you to be around. This! OP, you've wasted enough time on this man and yes I know it's hard to walk but you really want to, you are just afraid to cut the cord. The longer you stay with him, the more screwed up your thinking will become. This man is no good. You know it deep inside. Move on and live your life, be on your own, learn about yourself, date, have fun. I won't deny it....in a way I do want to leave him....I've flirted with the idea many times over the years....even seriously considered it many times. I agree, I am afraid. As some of the others said--"fear of the unknown".... I totally agree with that. Afraid of what might happen if I leave.. Will I find someone else that cares for me as much as him? Or will I eventually end up being alone? If I leave him, will the next person be any better, what if I end up falling completely in love with the next person, and the cheat on me, and treat me like crap? Or better yet, what if the next guys end up putting their hands on me too, AND they cheat on me, AND they treat me like crap!! Fears of the possibilities..Frozen in time.. I guess it's possible that I look at he and I, similar to a child and it's mother's umbilical cord. LadyGrey, you said "The longer you stay with him, the more screwed up your thinking will become." I fear the damage done is already irreversible.... I used to worry that they way he treated me would change my view on everything. That it would have a negative effect on the outcome of my emotional development as a person. I used to even be afraid that his anger, and attitude, how he talked to me, would 'rub off' on me.. At this point now it's hard to tell. When I was 18-19, and 21-22.. I thought a lot about whether or not I should leave him.. But it always felt like I was 'giving up'.. and then those thoughts of the unknown kept creeping up on me. I was just to scared to do it.. not only of him, but also, of what if my life ended up even worse. Or what if he is the one I'm supposed to be with, and I mess that up, by leaving him, and realize years later that it ruined my life.. The others are right - one doesn't magically just stop their abusive behavior; it simply lies dormant while he tries to control it because the consequences of indulging in his abusive anger will cause you to leave him. He knows this, so he suppresses it. But you'd be very SADLY mistaken to assume he's suddenly cured of that ugly, dark side of him. As far as if he's really changed....I totally agree with what some others and make me believe said....I think you all are right....I fear that he is suppressing his aggressive behavior....but I thought thinking of it that--way since he hasn't shown it for a little over a year--would be kind or like "waiting for him to mess up". But I agree with you all, and I continue to worry, and pray that he doesn't.
Author JainDowe Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 You were very young when you started up with this guy. I think you need to date other guys and let him go. Do it while he is still young enough to find someone new. I'm a guy and his actions strike me as controlling and highly abusive... even now. I'm not someone who always says breakup... but in this case... one night with another guy won't make this go away. You need to try some new relationships. I think you are probably right..one night with another guy won't make this go away. Thank you for your advice, and taking the time to read my story.
Kidd Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Proud of your decision this morning. It wouldn't have solved anything except for about an hour. Then you live with it indefinitely. Take your time making the bigger decision about your SO. The OM will be there if you decide to leave. Be proud of your decision today.
oldguy Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) I won't deny it....in a way I do want to leave him....I've flirted with the idea many times over the years....even seriously considered it many times. I agree, I am afraid. As some of the others said--"fear of the unknown".... I totally agree with that. Afraid of what might happen if I leave.. Will I find someone else that cares for me as much as him? Or will I eventually end up being alone? If I leave him, will the next person be any better, what if I end up falling completely in love with the next person, and the cheat on me, and treat me like crap? Or better yet, what if the next guys end up putting their hands on me too, AND they cheat on me, AND they treat me like crap!! Fears of the possibilities..Frozen in time.. I guess it's possible that I look at he and I, similar to a child and it's mother's umbilical cord. LadyGrey, you said "The longer you stay with him, the more screwed up your thinking will become." I fear the damage done is already irreversible.... I used to worry that they way he treated me would change my view on everything. That it would have a negative effect on the outcome of my emotional development as a person. I used to even be afraid that his anger, and attitude, how he talked to me, would 'rub off' on me.. At this point now it's hard to tell. When I was 18-19, and 21-22.. I thought a lot about whether or not I should leave him.. But it always felt like I was 'giving up'.. and then those thoughts of the unknown kept creeping up on me. I was just to scared to do it.. not only of him, but also, of what if my life ended up even worse. Or what if he is the one I'm supposed to be with, and I mess that up, by leaving him, and realize years later that it ruined my life.. As far as if he's really changed....I totally agree with what some others and make me believe said....I think you all are right....I fear that he is suppressing his aggressive behavior....but I thought thinking of it that--way since he hasn't shown it for a little over a year--would be kind or like "waiting for him to mess up". But I agree with you all, and I continue to worry, and pray that he doesn't. You still are afraid of him, it's only been 1 out of 10 years he hasn't been physically abusive & 10 out of 10 he has been controlling. What sadden me about this post was that you talked about the next guy, the next relationship being no better than this one. But you never talked about what it would be like to be single and on your own & grow as a person. In many ways you stopped growing at 16, but your only 26. Despite all you've been through you said no to the physical abuse, you got your GED & your going to graduate from college. You are a strong person with strong moral conviction & your only 26 years old. Your never to old to learn & grow. I understand why you are afraid "the next could be worse". You need to believe in yourself and at full control of who you are, not let someone else have control. A healthy relationship is communication & compromise & no fear of the other person. That will not happen in this relationship. There is no doubt you will need help, counselling, choosing mentors & good friends. We live what we learn & you said your afraid his anger or abuse may have rubbed off on you. If it has you see it as negative & will hold it in check & work on it in counselling. Once you recognize that a behavior is wrong, as you do, fixing it is fairly easy in counselling. That is even if it did, "rub off". I have a feeling just from reading this thread that you don't have to worry about being alone, but you get to choose. You have spent 10 years in a pretty unhealthy relationship & life style. If you only live to be 80 that's 50 more years which make the 10 seem pretty insignificant. You have the opportunity to start fresh. Edited February 11, 2012 by oldguy
Author JainDowe Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 to comment directly on what Just A Poster and a few others were saying about our age difference, and the fact that I was 16 and he was 26.. When I met him when I was 16 years old..I'd just quit school..because I hated going..I'd always hated school, and I was looking forward to quitting (when my 16th birthday came around). I had already had a few relationships with other guys, only one of which was actually serious, before I met him. I was going through a I guess you could say, rebellious phase. And I was wanting more freedom from home. My mom made some bad life decisions that altered my living with her. I lived off and on with my mom and her parents throughout my childhood. My dad wasn't ever really part of the picture. My mom had moved a little distance away and I had been living with her for the past 4 years when I met my SO. Her relationship with me wasn't the at it's best, to say the least. My best friend at the time was a girl that was my age, and rebellious herself..she was dating an older man too-he was 28 at the time. And her mom was okay with that. I had been spending the night with my best friend off and on and her with me..I'd been arguing with my mom about my curfew time (which was 12) for a while, and since my friend's mom didn't care about a curfew I could avoid it, by spending the night with her. I had already met my SO, but we weren't seeing each other yet..he was in a relationship with a girl at the time that was 19 years old. (But we'd met, and he'd told me he liked me, and that things with her wasn't working out.) Okay, so, one night, I decided to have sex with this guy (that was my age) I'd been talking to at that time (while I was waiting on my now SO to end his relationship with the girl that was living with him)..and I stayed the night at his place. The next morning, when I talked to my best friend, I found out that my mom had been looking for me, and she'd told her that she didn't know where I was..so my mom was mad, and wanted me to come home.. To make a long story short, when I came home my mom and I had a big argument, and I told her I wanted to move out, not thinking she'd actually say yes. Not thinking that I actually would leave, she told me to go ahead. So I did. I stayed between my best friend's home and the guy I was sleeping with at the time, for a couple weeks until my now SO ended his previous relationship. Then I moved in with him, and have been here ever since. It seems like it was just yesterday....and a different lifetime ago, at the same time.... I just didn't even seem "real" at first..well, actually for a long time--maybe even years..but it was. My mom was completely upset for a long time. She begged me to come home, tried to force me to, and then begged me some more. She cried every time I saw or talked to her, for years afterwards. She said she thought that we would've had more time together.. Now her and I have a pretty good relationship..But I just don't feel like she wants to listen to any of my problems. She really doesn't like my SO most of the time. But she does see a difference in him now that how he used to be. And she knows he does make me happy when things are going good. I don't think that she likes to give me advice because of the bad choices she made in life. But it kind of hurts my feelings because I've been asking her advice for the past few days, and trying to just talk to her about how I feel even, and it's like she's not interested, or something. She keeps telling me she'll call me back, but she doesn't. How I feel and what I think about our age difference.. When I was 16, I thought it would be cool so go out with an older man..someone that knew what they wanted and didn't act like all the stupid boys I knew..and my best friend (that had been dating the 28 year old guy) was all for it. She helped push us together..(Later on after he 'turned mean' she felt bad about it) He liked me, from the first time he saw me..he kept trying to get my attention. He told a mutual friend of ours he wanted to take me out. He was very charming..he knew what to say, and in the beginning how to act. He started buying me things, nothing big, just everyday things I needed or might need. When I moved in he told me that he'd take care of me, that I wouldn't have to worry about anything, he was very caring. I liked him. I didn't look at it as being 'weird' or anything that he was older than me. I did however think for various reasons, that he preferred girl that were young. It's still not 'weird' to me though.. even now. So I don't want any of you to get the wrong idea. But his amount of life experience, compared to mine, started bothering me early on.... He would've taken me to parties and such in the beginning, but I was jealous, and insecure in our new relationship (because of how me came to be together) and so I didn't want to hang out places where there was a lot of other girls that might catch his eye. After fighting about it a few times, he told me fine we won't ever go but eventually you're gonna not like not having done all those things (partying), because you were jealous and worried. (He was jealous too, but he could control it at the time) And surely enough, I realized by the time I was turning 18, that he was right..and that I did want to do things like go out to the clubs, and hang out at house parties, with groups of people to socialize. So I apologized to him for being a baby, and asked if we could..but he refused. His big thing back then was once he changes he doesn't change back.. Anyways so we didn't go out. We just sat at home. Time passed --a few years, he ended up saying that we could go out other places, but not the clubs, because some guy would probably try to grope me, or something, and he'd end up having to do it to some other girl to make it fair for him...there was endless stupid excuses he used....but basically, though he never admitted it, it was because he was insecure then.. He eventually said he'd take me to the clubs, but now we don't ever have the money, and even when when/if we did it's just somehow not enticing for me to go with him anymore, though we'll probably do it someday, just so I can have the chance to say I ever went. So his life experience of parties, and clubs, bothered me. The fact of him already having a child with another woman, was A LOT harder than I thought it would be.. And also he just always thinks he knows best because "he's been through it before". Ultimately I'm just not sure what to think of my being 16 years old, and him 26.... I mean there's a fine line.. In general (meaning not my situation) I don't think it's okay for a person that is under 18 years old, to be in any kind of relationship, with anyone greater than 2 years their age. But I'm not going to say that he ruined my life or anything. I look back and think that 'it hasn't been so bad'. I mean even though he has been mean to me in the past, I do have someone that loves me completely, he will always be there for me, and will try hard to make me happy any way he can. (even if it does mean suppressing his anger..we all suppress our "bad feelings" every day) But in a perfect world things would have been different.. different with my mom..She and I would've gotten along better..I would've stayed with her..maybe even dated my SO.. but not moved in with him..I would've finished high school, and went to college. I would've went away to a big college..and lived on campus, and dated different guys, and had a lot of girl friends..big support system, and family away from home. I would've graduated college after 4-6 years and started working, saving money..dating..lived alone for awhile..and then hopefully, I would find a good man, that made me feel a special way, and we'd get married, have kids, and all would be wonderful. maybe it would've even been with my SO.
Author JainDowe Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 Proud of your decision this morning. It wouldn't have solved anything except for about an hour. Then you live with it indefinitely. Take your time making the bigger decision about your SO. The OM will be there if you decide to leave. Be proud of your decision today. Thank you..I did make the right decision, but now I feel bad too because I lead my crush on (twice now) and then I told him I wasn't coming, he said I broke his heart.
oldguy Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 to comment directly on what Just A Poster and a few others were saying about our age difference, and the fact that I was 16 and he was 26.. When I met him when I was 16 years old..I'd just quit school..because I hated going..I'd always hated school, and I was looking forward to quitting (when my 16th birthday came around). I had already had a few relationships with other guys, only one of which was actually serious, before I met him. I was going through a I guess you could say, rebellious phase. And I was wanting more freedom from home. My mom made some bad life decisions that altered my living with her. I lived off and on with my mom and her parents throughout my childhood. My dad wasn't ever really part of the picture. My mom had moved a little distance away and I had been living with her for the past 4 years when I met my SO. Her relationship with me wasn't the at it's best, to say the least. My best friend at the time was a girl that was my age, and rebellious herself..she was dating an older man too-he was 28 at the time. And her mom was okay with that. I had been spending the night with my best friend off and on and her with me..I'd been arguing with my mom about my curfew time (which was 12) for a while, and since my friend's mom didn't care about a curfew I could avoid it, by spending the night with her. I had already met my SO, but we weren't seeing each other yet..he was in a relationship with a girl at the time that was 19 years old. (But we'd met, and he'd told me he liked me, and that things with her wasn't working out.) Okay, so, one night, I decided to have sex with this guy (that was my age) I'd been talking to at that time (while I was waiting on my now SO to end his relationship with the girl that was living with him)..and I stayed the night at his place. The next morning, when I talked to my best friend, I found out that my mom had been looking for me, and she'd told her that she didn't know where I was..so my mom was mad, and wanted me to come home.. To make a long story short, when I came home my mom and I had a big argument, and I told her I wanted to move out, not thinking she'd actually say yes. Not thinking that I actually would leave, she told me to go ahead. So I did. I stayed between my best friend's home and the guy I was sleeping with at the time, for a couple weeks until my now SO ended his previous relationship. Then I moved in with him, and have been here ever since. It seems like it was just yesterday....and a different lifetime ago, at the same time.... I just didn't even seem "real" at first..well, actually for a long time--maybe even years..but it was. My mom was completely upset for a long time. She begged me to come home, tried to force me to, and then begged me some more. She cried every time I saw or talked to her, for years afterwards. She said she thought that we would've had more time together.. Now her and I have a pretty good relationship..But I just don't feel like she wants to listen to any of my problems. She really doesn't like my SO most of the time. But she does see a difference in him now that how he used to be. And she knows he does make me happy when things are going good. I don't think that she likes to give me advice because of the bad choices she made in life. But it kind of hurts my feelings because I've been asking her advice for the past few days, and trying to just talk to her about how I feel even, and it's like she's not interested, or something. She keeps telling me she'll call me back, but she doesn't. How I feel and what I think about our age difference.. When I was 16, I thought it would be cool so go out with an older man..someone that knew what they wanted and didn't act like all the stupid boys I knew..and my best friend (that had been dating the 28 year old guy) was all for it. She helped push us together..(Later on after he 'turned mean' she felt bad about it) He liked me, from the first time he saw me..he kept trying to get my attention. He told a mutual friend of ours he wanted to take me out. He was very charming..he knew what to say, and in the beginning how to act. He started buying me things, nothing big, just everyday things I needed or might need. When I moved in he told me that he'd take care of me, that I wouldn't have to worry about anything, he was very caring. I liked him. I didn't look at it as being 'weird' or anything that he was older than me. I did however think for various reasons, that he preferred girl that were young. It's still not 'weird' to me though.. even now. So I don't want any of you to get the wrong idea. But his amount of life experience, compared to mine, started bothering me early on.... He would've taken me to parties and such in the beginning, but I was jealous, and insecure in our new relationship (because of how me came to be together) and so I didn't want to hang out places where there was a lot of other girls that might catch his eye. After fighting about it a few times, he told me fine we won't ever go but eventually you're gonna not like not having done all those things (partying), because you were jealous and worried. (He was jealous too, but he could control it at the time) And surely enough, I realized by the time I was turning 18, that he was right..and that I did want to do things like go out to the clubs, and hang out at house parties, with groups of people to socialize. So I apologized to him for being a baby, and asked if we could..but he refused. His big thing back then was once he changes he doesn't change back.. Anyways so we didn't go out. We just sat at home. Time passed --a few years, he ended up saying that we could go out other places, but not the clubs, because some guy would probably try to grope me, or something, and he'd end up having to do it to some other girl to make it fair for him...there was endless stupid excuses he used....but basically, though he never admitted it, it was because he was insecure then.. He eventually said he'd take me to the clubs, but now we don't ever have the money, and even when when/if we did it's just somehow not enticing for me to go with him anymore, though we'll probably do it someday, just so I can have the chance to say I ever went. So his life experience of parties, and clubs, bothered me. The fact of him already having a child with another woman, was A LOT harder than I thought it would be.. And also he just always thinks he knows best because "he's been through it before". Ultimately I'm just not sure what to think of my being 16 years old, and him 26.... I mean there's a fine line.. In general (meaning not my situation) I don't think it's okay for a person that is under 18 years old, to be in any kind of relationship, with anyone greater than 2 years their age. But I'm not going to say that he ruined my life or anything. I look back and think that 'it hasn't been so bad'. I mean even though he has been mean to me in the past, I do have someone that loves me completely, he will always be there for me, and will try hard to make me happy any way he can. (even if it does mean suppressing his anger..we all suppress our "bad feelings" every day) But in a perfect world things would have been different.. different with my mom..She and I would've gotten along better..I would've stayed with her..maybe even dated my SO.. but not moved in with him..I would've finished high school, and went to college. I would've went away to a big college..and lived on campus, and dated different guys, and had a lot of girl friends..big support system, and family away from home. I would've graduated college after 4-6 years and started working, saving money..dating..lived alone for awhile..and then hopefully, I would find a good man, that made me feel a special way, and we'd get married, have kids, and all would be wonderful. maybe it would've even been with my SO. I'm glad you realize it wasn't the 10 year age difference, a lot of women, especially in their 20's would rather date someone a little older then guys their own age for the obvious reasons you mentioned. The problem, as you said, is a 16 yo dating someone that much older. I, along with the others, also think you did the right thing this morning. You should be proud.
Author JainDowe Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 Oldguy I wanted to reply back to you last.. You said: Jain your current life coarse is perverse to say the least. You simply did not develop past 16 in an emotionally, socially structured healthy manner. It's like at 16 you got off of the main road & have been on a dirt road ever since. Everything you learned you where taught by a controlling, manipulative man. I agree with you completely..it took me a long time to understand it that way..and it's even hard to believe. But it's evident even in the way I talk and think about things, especially when it comes to he and I. He is my constant..I've known him, and been in these surroundings longer than I've ever been, even in my childhood. The good that came from it, is that I clearly try to think things through, now. I try to see things from all angles. I think it's made me more of a conscious person. You said: I understand you love him. It is common for a victim to admire & even deeply love the one who victimizes them. There was a time when I thought came to this idea on my own..I started to wonder if I could be suffering from something like stockholm syndrome....like a mild form of it, even though I wasn't kidnapped.. but since then I ruled that out. I don't think that's possible..BUT I'm not sure, because how would I be able to tell the difference? I do know I love this man. You said: Even though you have had physical freedoms you have been held developmentally & emotionally captive. That's exactly how I've been trying to word it in my head! I don't know how to fix any of this though, and if I do manage to repair the damage that has already been done, is it possible to still remain in the relationship with my SO? And I would like a normal relationship..I've just been confused on if I can still have that with my SO? You said: As I noted early; On a psychological level her story has some striking similarities to Tanya Nicole Kach's, "Memoir of a Milk Carton Kid" & even Jaycee Lee Dugard's story. Even though I'm guessing she was not kidnapped a few of us have wondered why a 16 yo girl comes to live with a 26 year old man. And once again; in cases of abuse over a period of time it is common for the victim to develop feeling they equate with love for the abuser. I tried to explain earlier how it came to be that I started living with him..I tried to answer that as best I could. Also, I fully intend to read about Jaycee Lee Dugard's story. I searched it yesterday, and I felt somewhat eerie, after reading the introduction..it's been such a long time since I looked out our relationship like that.. To answer the questions that I haven't answered yet.. I was working when I met him, because my mom said it was that or school, and then I ended up quitting anyway because I hated it. And after I moved in with him, he told me I didn't have to work, because he was doing okay, financially at the time. I used to always hate working..then the money got tight, off and on, and I would work..then I went through a phase of telling him I didn't want to work, I wanted to stay home. (Because the only jobs I could get at the time were the cleaning, waitressing and stuff like that.) But yes I was taking care of the home and him the whole time. I didn't move away far, it was still in the same area when I moved in with him.. I kept in contact with some old friends at first, but then I lost contact with them over the years. Now I don't really consider myself to have any friends. I've only kept contact with my mom constantly. Every now and then I talk to my Dad, be I think he could care less, and that goes for the rest of my family. And my grandparents are dead now. I still have one more post to reply back to you.. I will finish it when I get home, it was just important to me that I got all this out this morning.. Thank you for listening (in my case reading) and thank you to everyone else that has given advice. I've appreciated it greatly, and continue to be thankful for the support!
kaylan Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 (edited) I'm going to start at the beginning of your post; I'm surprised no one in your life objected to a 26 yo living with a 16 yo. I have to be honest, most men in their 20's who date 15, 16 yo girls generally are controlling types. That is just one of the reasons there are laws against it. I'm very happy to hear that you have developed a strong will despite this relationship. Abuse is NEVER okay, any amount for any reason. If you where to have a child how can you be sure he wouldn't become abusive to a child in the house? You say the two of you brought a third person into the bedroom but you never had sex with anyone else, which sounds like he did then, is that right? If you do sleep with someone else and remain in this relationship he will be resentful. I was predominantly a relationship counselor, (Substance abuse, family/relationship) for a long time and I'm going to tell you that open marriages rarely work & in the ones that stay together I'm not sure I'd call the marriage healthy or successful and they are a horrible example for the children. Have you completed your high school or primary education & do you have a means of self support if you leave & have to support yourself. I very much agree with what is in bold. It seems that a lot of the time, guys who date much younger women do so because they want to be in control over them. They dont seek an equal in the relationship. You hardly ever seen women do this with young boys...however my 19 yr old cousin has been with some older women for a little while now himself...shes in her 30s and its just drama. These much older folk have the life experience under their belt that the much younger kid doesnt and use that to run circles around them. I doubt he could really have gotten away with his crappy behavior had he shacked up with women his own age. I think these guys know that too. I mean look at you now...youve been able to grow up and start breaking away from this guy. Women who were his age when you two met had already been in relationships and knew what they would and would not tolerate in a man. Your situation is why I think teens shouldnt be dating anyone more than 2 years older than them, because the maturity and life experience gaps are huge at that age, year by year. I think you should def bail on the guy and finally live life. Especially since hes an abusive tool. You have the need to be with new men, and I think if you stay with him and do it, that he will just end up resentful. And who knows how he will behave then. Edited February 12, 2012 by kaylan
oldguy Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Social stat, as well as I can recall it; 15 yo girls 1st is usually 5 years older, 16 yo 3-4 years older, 17 yo 3 years older, 18 to 20 yo 1 year older on average. The first time I saw this stat I thought; there are a lot of 20 yo guys gettin' some:laugh: unfortunately most of them are pervs.
Kidd Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Thank you..I did make the right decision, but now I feel bad too because I lead my crush on (twice now) and then I told him I wasn't coming, he said I broke his heart. I'm going to guess he knows you're in a committed relationship. He doesn't care for you that much if he's going to knowingly bring this kind of drama into your life. And you've already said he isn't all that and a bag of chips, just a physical attraction for you. Don't worry, if he's good looking like you say and with low moral standards, he'll find some new tail tomorrow and break their heart. You don't owe this guy anything. You do owe your SO to either stay faithful or go. You know you made the right choice. Watch your boundaries in the future and you won't have guilt over leading someone on when you're already committed. The choice about your SO is yours to make; I don't have much for you there. I've just lived thru the infidelity piece and it's hell on Earth. You dodged a bullet and it was by choice (which many don't have the strength to make). Well done. Now make the next right choice. Before you know it, you'll be very proud of yourself and your decisions and that will carry you thru even the toughest of times. Good luck to you.
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