26 and confused in a 10 year relationship

[JainDowe]

Okay this is my very first time posting on this thread I stumbled across searching "to cheat or not to cheat" on google.

 

Before you begin to judge me, I'd like to introduce myself, and tell you a bit about my STB husband, myself, and our 10 year relationship.

 

I'm 26 years old, my STB is 36. I moved in with him ten years ago. I think it would be fair to say that I fell for him pretty fast. I wasn't extremely attracted to him physically in the beginning, but that wasn't an issue for me, because I still thought he was cute, charming, and sweet. He seemed caring, like he wanted to "look out for me" I guess you'd say. I was head over heels for him, no other guy could compare. I think I fell in love with him first. I wanted us to get married, and have kids. I know I was young, but I had always wanted to start a family early. He didn't want to get married or have kids with me though. He'd been in a previous relationship, a couple years before, and had a kid, with a woman that cheated and eventually left him. I didn't mind giving him time, but he told me that time wasn't the problem, that he just didn't want to get married or have anymore kids, and that he didn't ever see himself changing his mind. Young and in love, it devastated me each time I'd wait & hope he'd change his mind, but never would. A few years passed, and he still didn't change his mind, and he didn't want me to ever adopt or anything. And it came to a point of him telling me that we wasn't ever going to change his mind, and that if I wasn't going to be able to be happy with that, we should go ahead and end our relationship. (At this time we'd been together about 3 and a half years.)

 

Well I decided to stay with him, and if he ever did change his mind, that would be great, but if not it would be okay, because our relationship was more important to me.

 

Over time, the want to have children of my own, started to fade away. Though I was surprised because it was once so important to me, I was somewhat relieved because it wasn't a "problem" anymore.

 

Okay going into a different aspect of our lives together..

How was life at home, other than the problem with our differences of wanting to have children?

 

In the beginning I guess it was somewhat average..

it was great..

then we both grew a little jealous, I, more so than him.

Then our difference on the wanting kids.

 

And though I don't want any of you to get the wrong idea of him or anything..because I still think he's a good man..

in the beginning he was just kinda emotionally abusive when we were having an argument..saying mean things. telling me that he was the man, I was the woman, so I was going to listen to what he says, etc..things like telling me he didn't need me, etc..getting up in my face, yelling, even "acting" as though he was about to hit me, but he didn't..and other mean things I won't name here..

 

Eventually that progressed, until he started putting his hands on me. And I don't mean a black eye, or a busted nose, I just mean, like pushing me down, grabbing me by the throat, choke me, smother me with his hand, type of stuff. It was like he was in a fit of rage. Seriously, I could see the hatred in his eyes. It would break my heart. Afterwards most of the time he apologized, sometimes he blamed it all on me, and said I made him do it.

 

Things like this went on for years. I still loved him..I would tell him that I know that he couldn't possibly love me like I love him. And all the while I was good to him--hardly ever saying anything mean or anything. I didn't cheat on him or anything like that..

 

Okay moving on..about 6 years into our relationship he decided that he does want to have children, and for us to get married..

 

I'm mutually happy, and scared, because of his anger in the past, the problems we already had--that was still going on.

So I told him I wanted us to wait.

 

Eventually, I grew tired of him taking his aggression out on me. I told him that I wasn't going to continue letting him put his hands on me, or talk to me the way he did. And that he wasn't the kinda person I wanted him to be.

 

It's been a little over a year since he put his hands on me, or 'emotionally abused' me.

 

Anyways, now I should be happy right? I mean I know we've been through a lot, but still we prevailed. I am happy but the thing is that when it got to the point that I basically told him that I was going to leave if he didn't change, and seriously meant it. I was at a point of "not caring" how we ended up. I was miserable. I didn't think he'd change because I had been begging him to for so long, I didn't think anything would help. And when he did start to change I was happy..but I hadn't felt the same about him for a long time..I loved him truly, but I wasn't in love with him anymore.

 

That somehow grew into me wanting to know what it would be like to have sex with someone else.. I tried pushing it out of my mind. But it just kept happening, it was like every guy I saw I'd think what would he be like in bed. This was not me. I tried to hold my feelings back, but I was confused. So I told my STB that I was having these feelings, and that I'd narrowed it down to one guy in particular and proposed the idea of us having an open relationship....now I didn't think that this would be such a bad thing to ask, because he'd asked me to about 2-3yrs into our relationship--I wasn't ok with it at all--he said that he just couldn't imagine being with just one person, and not having sex with anyone else his whole life. I ended up agreeing but backed out at the last minute, so we didn't have an open relationship. We instead "brought someone else in the bedroom" for each of us separately, so we could be more comfortable with it by "seeing" everything that was going on. So it wasn't completely 'out of the blue' when I brought it up, it had just been years. Anyways, he didn't like it. He said his feeling about me were different now, he cared more about me, and that I could do it, but he couldn't promise it would not change the feeling he has about me. But I didn't want to cheat on him, or have sex with someone else even if he knew about it, if he wasn't going to have sex with someone else.

 

The want grew, I pushed it away. Then finally I told him that I was going to move out, because I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.--The problems of our past, all the mistakes piled on top of each other, and trying to sort everything out, fueled by me not being in love anymore, and wanting to have sex with someone else. He asked me not to, he told me to have sex with someone else, and try to get back to feeling about him the way I used to feel, just don't leave him.

 

I let it all go. I pushed everything that wasn't to do with us, and our relationship out of the way. And I do feel closer to him..in love with him, more the way I used to feel. But the problem keeps coming up I want to have sex with someone else! There is one person in particular. But it's not something about this one person or anything. I know it's not because this is not a person I would be involved with, other than sex and all. It doesn't even have to be this person it could be anyone that I considered attractive, but it's just this person I know, and I'm already attracted to, and it's a "dirty world" out there, this person is probably more "clean" than most.

 

What should I do, because it's not just this one guy, So isolating myself from him is pointless, I've done it.

 

I've tried telling my STB, but he doesn't want us to breakup, he'd rather me just do it without him knowing and get it out my system, but he really doesn't want me to do it at all. He just wants me to block it out, and us make things better between us..but this problem doesn't seem like it's going to go away, because I've had these feelings for years. I don't want to cheat, and I don't want to leave him, but I do want to have sex with someone else. Please help! All comments welcome!

 

 

Ps. we can't go to a counselor about our problems, because of financial difficulties.

Edited February 9, 2012 by JainDowe

[PinkInTheLimo]

Listen, you are still young and this guy has not been very good to you.

Isn't it time to call it a day and be single for a while? Then you can experiment as much as you like without feeling guilty.

 

I find it unhealthy to start a steady relationship at 16 and definitely when it is with a guy who is 10 years older, who is already a father and divorced.

 

You are 26 now, time to be a while on your own and find out who you are and what you want.

[Chi townD]

So... do you think you're being fair to him? What he a dirtbags in the past? definately. But, he saw what he was doing and made those changes for himself and for you! You wanted kids then you didn't then you did again...big roller coaster. You two started "swinging" and he didn't like it, but he did it for you. To try and help you fill the void that you thought he couldn't do. Now, you want to leave. So, you really don't have too many options.

 

1. you stay and dedicate yourself to making your relationship work...or

 

2. You leave. BUT....if you walk out that door. You mean to NEVER see him again. You made the choice to leave...so, you need to leave for good. It wouldn't be fair to string him along thinking that there's a possibly of you two getting back together. Right now, he's desperate to the point of just letting you go sleep with whoever. How would you feel if you were sitting at home and you KNEW that he was having sex with someone else at that very SECOND?!?!?! What do you think that would do for your self esteem?

Would you be able to get in sexy underwear and a sexy outfit, walk up to your man and kiss him on the cheek as you walk out the door to go screw another man? That would be the ultimate in cruelity. So, if you leave...you have to promise never to see him again....EVER!!

[norajane]

Listen, you are still young and this guy has not been very good to you.

Isn't it time to call it a day and be single for a while? Then you can experiment as much as you like without feeling guilty.

 

I find it unhealthy to start a steady relationship at 16 and definitely when it is with a guy who is 10 years older, who is already a father and divorced.

 

You are 26 now, time to be a while on your own and find out who you are and what you want.

 

I agree. Time to grow up and be independent. Time to learn who you are and what is REALLY important to you and how you really feel about yourself, children and marriage.

 

This relationship has run its course. I would have been out the door the FIRST time he pushed me.

 

Are you afraid to be on your own? Since you moved in with him at 16, and he requires you to be submissive to him, it seems like he's your "daddy". You are outgrowing him.

[JainDowe]

So... do you think you're being fair to him? What he a dirtbags in the past? definately. But, he saw what he was doing and made those changes for himself and for you!

 

I know he did change for me, you're right.

 

You wanted kids then you didn't then you did again...big roller coaster. You two started "swinging" and he didn't like it, but he did it for you. To try and help you fill the void that you thought he couldn't do. Now, you want to leave. So, you really don't have too many options.

 

I only changed my mind about having kids when he asked me to or leave, THEN he changed his mind, and ended up wanting kids with me.

I wouldn't call it "swinging" but I did that because HE wanted to, it was me that didn't like it. I didn't like watching him have sex with another girl, or him watching me have sex with another guy.

 

I know it might be a bit confusing to read because it was so long. I just wanted to get everything out.

 

How would you feel if you were sitting at home and you KNEW that he was having sex with someone else at that very SECOND?!?!?! What do you think that would do for your self esteem?

 

I would actually feel better about the situation. Because I don't want to do him wrong.

 

I also wanted to add that if I did leave I wouldn't be expecting him to put his life on hold for me, I know it would be over. I haven't spent one night away from our house in ten years since we've been together, because I know if I left if would be the end. I'm trying to make a conscious decision about what to do.

[JainDowe]

Are you afraid to be on your own? Since you moved in with him at 16, and he requires you to be submissive to him

 

Honestly I am afraid to be on my own , to a certain extent--I know I could do it, but it's not something I want to do.

 

it seems like he's your "daddy". You are outgrowing him.

 

I agree, that's how I've felt for a while now.

[JainDowe]

PinkInTheLimo,

 

thanks for your advice. Though I don't actually want to leave this guy, even though everything we've been through, I still love him, and want to spend the rest of my life with him--I know your advice was good advice.

[oldguy]

I'm going to start at the beginning of your post;

I'm surprised no one in your life objected to a 26 yo living with a 16 yo. I have to be honest, most men in their 20's who date 15, 16 yo girls generally are controlling types. That is just one of the reasons there are laws against it. I'm very happy to hear that you have developed a strong will despite this relationship.

 

Abuse is NEVER okay, any amount for any reason. If you where to have a child how can you be sure he wouldn't become abusive to a child in the house?

 

You say the two of you brought a third person into the bedroom but you never had sex with anyone else, which sounds like he did then, is that right?

 

If you do sleep with someone else and remain in this relationship he will be resentful.

 

I was predominantly a relationship counselor, (Substance abuse, family/relationship) for a long time and I'm going to tell you that open marriages rarely work & in the ones that stay together I'm not sure I'd call the marriage healthy or successful and they are a horrible example for the children.

 

Have you completed your high school or primary education & do you have a means of self support if you leave & have to support yourself.

[Dust]

If you're hot I'd like to volunteer up our sexiest LS member Somedude. He'll go talk to your man for you and smack him around with his dick till he see the light of day. Then he will proceed to enjoy you sexualy in some of the kinkiest most humilating ways you' ever though were possible. Keep in mind somedude only has sex with hot young girls. So even though you're 26 please look no older then 21 and have a pretty face and rocking body.

 

If I was a girl I would break up with your guy and go have fun and meet some one you can love in every way. Good luck I know you feel safe and comfortable with this old loser who doesn't have much money and the tendancy to be physicaly violent in ways don't don't leave any bruises.

 

Also welcome to LS please keep posting here!

[JainDowe]

You say the two of you brought a third person into the bedroom but you never had sex with anyone else, which sounds like he did then, is that right?

 

If you do sleep with someone else and remain in this relationship he will be resentful.

 

Have you completed your high school or primary education & do you have a means of self support if you leave & have to support yourself.

 

We each brought someone in. I meant to say I've never cheated on him--because he knew about the guy I brought in. I did have sex with someone before he and I started our relationship.

 

I'm afraid of that, because I don't want him to resent me..I've resented him for years, because of the way he treated me for so long before he changed. It took a lot to put it behind me.

 

I quit high school, but have since acquired a GED and I am currently in college. I do not have a way to fully support myself at this moment, but it would not be impossible for me to do it.

[oldguy]

So your just hot for this other guy & want license to do him & then what, carry on as usual or would you like an open relationship & your guy doesn't anymore?

[Chi townD]

So your just hot for this other guy & want license to do him & then what, carry on as usual or would you like an open relationship & your guy doesn't anymore?

 

 

Agreed, very confusing. What are you look for exactly, OP?

[JainDowe]

oldguy,

 

Yes basically, I do want a free pass to sleep with this other guy a few times, and then move on with my STB. I did want an open relationship for a little while. That would be fine with me. But no he doesn't, he wants us to be monogamous now.

Edited February 9, 2012 by JainDowe

[JainDowe]

Agreed, very confusing. What are you look for exactly, OP?

 

I can't remember what OP means in this forum?

[JainDowe]

I was very confused when I posted this earlier, I'd been searching the internet, because of lack of having someone to talk to about my problems, when I stumbled across this community.

 

I want to thank everyone for their opinions and advice so far. I'm still not sure what to do so please keep the advice coming.

[oldguy]

To answer for Chi town; in this case, "OP" is you, "original poster".

 

Jain, your not making this easy because there is something your leaving out but I'll play for awhile. Tell us more about this guy you have a "crush" on. How long have you known him, how old is he, can you tell us how you know him, do you know why you have feelings for him or how he feels about you & have you actually slept with him?

[Dust]

I was very confused when I posted this earlier, I'd been searching the internet, because of lack of having someone to talk to about my problems, when I stumbled across this community.

 

I want to thank everyone for their opinions and advice so far. I'm still not sure what to do so please keep the advice coming.

 

Did you read my advice about Somedude? He's kind of the Wizard of Oz around here or the great Somedude as we all have come to refer to him. He's a rich playboy who flies around the country having his way with lonely women. They say if you type his name into this forum 3 times in a row somedude, somedude, somedu... he tracks down your IP address and shows up at your front door with a redrose in his mouth and a mask covering his eyes. He then proceeds to have his way with you and fight your man.

[oldguy]

While I'm thinking of it; I mentioned in my initial post that open marriages don't really work, not well if at all. There is always jealousy & resentment. You felt it yourself after the first time.

 

When I was single I often slept with different women but when I entered a committed relationship I did not because I did not want to hurt my SO, (significant other). That does not mean I no longer find other women hot I just would never hurt my wife by pursuing them. I knew when I entered a committed relationship that was one of the conditions. You never had that option & then to confuse things further your SO brought other people into the bed. This is one reason open relationships are... complicated & rarely work. Who am I kidding; they don't work if you add the happy to relationship or marriage.

[oldguy]

somedude, somedude, somedu...

Damn Dust, you almost earned yourself a visit:lmao::lmao:

[Dust]

Damn Dust, you almost earned yourself a visit:lmao::lmao:

 

It's just LS urban legend right. Though I don't want to test it. If he shows up in this thread it will be hell enough.

[oldguy]

Not to worry, I know his mom. One call to her & she'll ground him to his room again:laugh:

[JainDowe]

If I was a girl I would break up with your guy and go have fun and meet some one you can love in every way.

 

I like the idea of how that sounds, even though I don't want to break up with my guy..

 

Good luck I know you feel safe and comfortable with this old loser who doesn't have much money and the tendancy to be physicaly violent in ways don't don't leave any bruises.

 

This is true. It's a cliche: how can I feel comfortable with a guy who for around 8 1/2 years out of 10 years total was physically violent, and emotionally abusive? I don't know. I used to think something was wrong with me for letting him treat me this way, and still loving him so deeply.. but thankfully he has changed..and I don't THINK I have to worry about it anymore..

I guess it's because I realize that no relationship is going to be perfect, and I trusted him in every other way (not to cheat, to be with me forever, etc)..other than his temper..

 

Did you read my advice about Somedude? He's kind of the Wizard of Oz around here or the great Somedude as we all have come to refer to him. He's a rich playboy who flies around the country having his way with lonely women. They say if you type his name into this forum 3 times in a row somedude, somedude, somedu... he tracks down your IP address and shows up at your front door with a redrose in his mouth and a mask covering his eyes. He then proceeds to have his way with you and fight your man.

 

OMG! LOL! That is absolutely halirious! Yes I had read your first post but I wasn't sure what to take from "Somedude" because I'm kinda gullable, plus, I thought you were being sarcastic, but even the first post made me laugh..but the second one omg, I was roflmao! Especially "if you type his name into this forum 3 times in a row somedude, somedude, somedu... he tracks down your IP address" seriously funny! Sounds like Somedude is a SUPERHERO!

[Dust]

This is true. It's a cliche: how can I feel comfortable with a guy who for around 8 1/2 years out of 10 years total was physically violent, and emotionally abusive? I don't know. I used to think something was wrong with me for letting him treat me this way, and still loving him so deeply.. but thankfully he has changed..and I don't THINK I have to worry about it anymore..

I guess it's because I realize that no relationship is going to be perfect, and I trusted him in every other way (not to cheat, to be with me forever, etc)..other than his temper..

 

Well it all sounds very anoying and scary but from your perspective you do not now or ever feel you were in real danger... well atleast you don't feel your in danger now.

 

The idea of just getting your own place or living with random people sounds scary. Also money is keeping you with him.

 

It's like you're picking from two anoying situations. If you tell him that you want to just continue living togather and date other people like in an open relationship he'll throw fits that will make living anoying as all hell... not to mention you're a little scared of him.

 

I say you cheat on him because its the only way you'll ever get the courage to leave him. In a perfect world you would have broken up with him already.

 

The best thing for you to do is just to leave him and get your own place. I always see people looking for "female roomate only" just look around find some where cheap and be a big girl and live a lone. It wil be lonely. You can call him and use him as an emotional tampon if you have too.. baby steps.

 

Now that you're more of a person... you know capable of telling people to stop choking you and pushing you around... you'll also be able to find some one you're a lot more into. SOme one who makes you see fireworks when you kiss. The kind of guys who'll you enjoy even more when he's all sweaty and smelling like him. Also the kind of guy who will really enjoy you and want to make babies and stuff with you. So get out there and get to it!

[JainDowe]

To answer for Chi town; in this case, "OP" is you, "original poster".

 

Jain, your not making this easy because there is something your leaving out but I'll play for awhile. Tell us more about this guy you have a "crush" on. How long have you known him, how old is he, can you tell us how you know him, do you know why you have feelings for him or how he feels about you & have you actually slept with him?

 

First I want to say I like you, I can tell you are very smart.

 

I probably left a lot out, because I felt bad it was so long! I wanted to say a lot more, but I thought most people wouldn't take the time to sort through what I did write, let alone all that I could've added.

 

What I left out specifically -- in the beginning I only wanted sexual affection from my SO (thanks). I pretty much even considered making eye contact with another guy cheating! That's how dedicated I was.

 

He told me that he wanted to have a threesome, so he could have sex with another girl. I was devastated! We had been together for about 3 years or so. I felt threatened. He kept telling me that you can still be with one person you're commited to and have sex with someone you're not, he said he couldn't see being with one girl his whole life, so that was his answer..

 

I was against it at first. Then I told him 'fine, I'll have a threesome with another girl, if you'll let me have a threesome with another guy (meaning my SO would be in the room watching us, and then afterwards I'd sleep with him). I didn't think he'd do it. He was totally against it at first. But he really wanted to do it with another girl, and we done it.

 

We only done it once with the girl (because she didn't want to anymore).

And I did it with the other girl about 3 times, I think.

That was years ago. Since we did it, he'd talk about my experience, while we were having sex, like a turn on..and he asked me for years to do it with another guy (threesome). Though he said we didn't have to have another threesome with a girl.

 

Eventually I told him that I didn't want him to talk about letting me have a threesome anymore, because it was making me want to have sex with another guy....even if it did mean that my SO was in the room, it was still wrong.

 

And then I couldn't stop thinking about wanting to have sex with another guy, except I wanted to do it without him there "supervising me".

 

I told him about it, I told him I wanted to, and that it almost felt like he brainwashed me into wanting to do it (not saying he did).

 

This was a few years ago..before this guy I have a crush on now. Because it's been something I want to experience.

 

Why do I want to do it? This is a question I have asked myself a lot. I believe it's just because I want to know what it's like to experience someone else that's not him. It's not that I haven't had sex with someone other than him before. It's that when I had sex before our relationship, I was kid, 16 - younger.. I barely even knew what I was doing..and now I'm a "sexual adult"..I know what I'm doing and I want to do it!!

 

Not to mention that when I was 16 - younger, the boys didn't know what they were doing (in bed) either...

 

but the guy that I had the threesome with was my SO's age, and he was amazing in bed. (So is my SO)

 

I've mentioned sleeping with different guys I found attractive over the years, to my SO but he told me that I could have a threesome with them.

I told him I wasn't interested in that and explained that I wanted to have sex with them without him there. When he declined, I left it alone for a while and asked again later on.

 

About this guy I have a crush on currently.. He is in no way a guy I could see myself having a future with.

 

He's 19. I had a class with him last year (in college)..

We don't have any classes together right now, but I still see him around the campus..

 

I'm attracted to him because he's physically attractive to me..he's really tall, muscular 'jock' type build, and he's sweet.

 

I do know how he feels about me..

He likes/is attracted to me....he asked me out last year, and I immediately told him I have a boyfriend. (Even though I was flattered.) After class every day he talked to me..small things..but I could tell he liked me..

 

Then I told my SO about him, and that I wanted to sleep with him. I gave him permission to sleep with a girl too. And all that I stated before.

My SO told me to do it if I wanted, but he didn't want me to, but it would be okay. I was planning to do it with my crush....we made out a couple times..but I backed out, and told him we couldn't do it. And when I saw him I kept it simple.

 

I tried to work things out with my SO. Then I decided I couldn't/didn't want to. And that I was going to leave. Not for this guy though, I wasn't even talking to him. I just wanted to experience other people, and not be in a relationship..

 

He asked me to work it out. He was so upset and heart broken, I knew if I left he wouldn't get over it, even years later. He told me to have sex with others if I wanted, even if I didn't tell him. Eventually I told him I wouldn't do that. I stayed, blocked out my feeling, and actually feel like it was starting to get better..

 

But I can only block out my curiosity for so long. It keeps coming back. I feel like I wanna just go ahead and get it over with..have sex with this guy and get it out my system..because I do love my SO, and he wants to move forward and get married, and so do I.

 

Maybe this will paint a clearer picture..

[JainDowe]

Well it all sounds very anoying and scary but from your perspective you do not now or ever feel you were in real danger... well atleast you don't feel your in danger now.

 

The idea of just getting your own place or living with random people sounds scary. Also money is keeping you with him.

 

It does, especially considering this is all I've known..my most stable home.

 

It's like you're picking from two anoying situations. If you tell him that you want to just continue living togather and date other people like in an open relationship he'll throw fits that will make living anoying as all hell... not to mention you're a little scared of him.

 

I say you cheat on him because its the only way you'll ever get the courage to leave him. In a perfect world you would have broken up with him already.

 

The best thing for you to do is just to leave him and get your own place. I always see people looking for "female roomate only" just look around find some where cheap and be a big girl and live a lone. It wil be lonely. You can call him and use him as an emotional tampon if you have too.. baby steps.

 

Now that you're more of a person... you know capable of telling people to stop choking you and pushing you around... you'll also be able to find some one you're a lot more into. SOme one who makes you see fireworks when you kiss. The kind of guys who'll you enjoy even more when he's all sweaty and smelling like him. Also the kind of guy who will really enjoy you and want to make babies and stuff with you. So get out there and get to it!

 

Dust are you single???? Lol! Just kidding. You seem like such a nice, motivated person! Your sarcasm is inspirational!

 

Thank you so much, for your advice!

Edited February 9, 2012 by JainDowe