NOsuchthing Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 Hi LS friends, So about four months ago I reconnected with a childhood friend on facebook (good old facebook). We seemed to really hit it off and before we knew it we were talking everyday and really seemed to have a lot of chemistry. Trouble is he lives in a different state, and works in an even more distant State so all this communication has been via phone, skype etc...he finally flew in yesterday to spend a few days here so we can see if this has any kind of future in reality. problem is: I don't think it does! And I feel like an absolute jerk because he flew all the way here.... Not to be shallow but physically he's not my type at all---not so much how he looks but his clothes, style etc which apparently is a sore spot for him because he has expressed rather vehemently how past girlfriends have tried to change his "style" but he likes the clothes he has. I of course sympathized with him on the phone thinking it couldnt possibly be that bad, and it itsn't....it's just not my type.... We had our first "date" last night and it was okay, but thats it, just okay. He was INSANELY reserved though he denied being nervous. He looked at me a lot and I got the impression that he was a bit intimidated. My last relationship which ended VERY badly shared a lot of qualities that I see here and that makes me nervous. Question is what do I do now? If it were anyone else I would just say thanks but no thanks but I can't just ditch him, he's here for the next three days so i have to at least be a good sport. I'm realizing that i totally overprepared....waxing, shopping, decking out my apartment all cutesy, taking time off work, but now I just feel super dissapointed. I've been out of the game for a couple years now so maybe I was just a little too eager. i feel happy that he got me back into date mode, I just don't know if he's who I should be dating. Am I jumping to conclusions too fast?
RonChalant Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 Don't completely kick him to the curb...you had a connection over the phone and all so at the very least you can be friends. I mean come on he lives however far away so it's not like you have to worry aboot seeing him or talking to him everyday. As far as the next 3 days just be nice. I'm sure he's expecting some booty though, having flown over to see you...pull the period card if anything lol. Or tell him you don't see it going anywhere but you still want to be friends. I'd rather hear that than think one thing and never hear from you again...or hear from you very little. Or...you could give him a nice friendly screw and send him on his way...hey he might give you a glorious orgasm at the very least lmao
TheFinalWord Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 Hi LS friends, So about four months ago I reconnected with a childhood friend on facebook (good old facebook). We seemed to really hit it off and before we knew it we were talking everyday and really seemed to have a lot of chemistry. Trouble is he lives in a different state, and works in an even more distant State so all this communication has been via phone, skype etc...he finally flew in yesterday to spend a few days here so we can see if this has any kind of future in reality. problem is: I don't think it does! And I feel like an absolute jerk because he flew all the way here.... Not to be shallow but physically he's not my type at all---not so much how he looks but his clothes, style etc which apparently is a sore spot for him because he has expressed rather vehemently how past girlfriends have tried to change his "style" but he likes the clothes he has. I of course sympathized with him on the phone thinking it couldnt possibly be that bad, and it itsn't....it's just not my type.... We had our first "date" last night and it was okay, but thats it, just okay. He was INSANELY reserved though he denied being nervous. He looked at me a lot and I got the impression that he was a bit intimidated. My last relationship which ended VERY badly shared a lot of qualities that I see here and that makes me nervous. Question is what do I do now? If it were anyone else I would just say thanks but no thanks but I can't just ditch him, he's here for the next three days so i have to at least be a good sport. I'm realizing that i totally overprepared....waxing, shopping, decking out my apartment all cutesy, taking time off work, but now I just feel super dissapointed. I've been out of the game for a couple years now so maybe I was just a little too eager. i feel happy that he got me back into date mode, I just don't know if he's who I should be dating. Am I jumping to conclusions too fast? If that's all it is and everything else is perfect I don't think its the ultimate deal breaker. Is it sincerely just style of dress? Is it that awful? Describe it to us. My dad has a very wal-mart/redneck style of dress while my mom is very stylish. But they have been married 35 years. Yeah my dad isn't very GQ, but he is very patient and kind and loves my mom to death. And let me tell you they have both had health issues the past year and guess how much "style of dress" matters? zilch compared to having a life partner that will take care of you "in sickness and in health". I don't know I just think a lot of us cut off potential good mates for minor things that don't matter in the grand scheme of life. If you watch Seinfeld you'll know what I mean
FitChick Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 How would you feel if he dressed the way you wanted him to? Would that change everything? Would you be attracted? If not, then just be a nice hostess and show him around your town and say you don't see a relationship developing with him. I've done a lot of long distance dating with men flying in from the UK and if I wasn't feeling a spark, they at least had a good vacation. There are no guarantees. For LDRs to work, there has to be a very strong connection to span the miles.
veggirl Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 Maybe you just aren't ready for a relationship yet. You can tell him that. How did you not pick up on his sense of style via FB and stuff though? Try to relax and not over think things. Go forward as friends hanging out and catching up, remove the romantic expectations and just enjoy him as a friend for the next few days.
Feelin Frisky Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 Sorry it's not going so well. It sounds a tad shallow though to say the problem is his "type" or that he's not your "type". Who has a relationship with a "type"? If you liked him enough through technology to have this meeting, try to keep it in mind what it was that got you this far. It will be over soon enough. I would have advised to hold off and share about it here afterward because coming on LS and saying what you have is very much like committing to a negative judgement that now has a life of its own along side just getting through the next few days. BTW, there's a thread here now about my meeting for the first time with my love interest whom I met here on LS. What I did to deal with the possibilities that we might not gel as much IRL as we have through the computer and phone was to meet at a neutral site rather than one of us going to the other's residence. Turns out we didn't need the many distractions the venue offered that could have made for "relief" from each other if that were the need but for future reference, you might want to consider planning for what happens if it doesn't "fit" so you'll not be stuck.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 I wouldn't feel as obligated as the others are saying just because you connected through distance. It doesn't mean there is a romantic opportunity nor are you obligated to fulfilling that. I also think it's bigger than his clothes, maybe more to do with his body type but in general you are not attracted and it is not doing anything for you. I wouldn't say that you "have" to roll the eyes into the back of your head and try and pretend you are going to get over this, physical in-person chemistry is a huge factor and not something that will miraculously be gained just because you connected over a distance. This is why people need to take it for what it is instead getting in over their heads and saying things they might not feel when in person, people are so easy to bite on the love bug when sometimes you just get along with someone really well...it doesn't mean they're the "one" or anything. I would tell him that you're not feeling the chemistry in person so that this doesn't lead to any uncomfortable situation as I'm sure he's going to try and make a move. Otherwise just be friendly and keep him at an arms distance, but I wouldn't get into a situation where you're in the same room. People need to stop filling obligated, be respectful, be polite, be courteous and offer friendship but you don't have to conform to a person just to validate anything, If it's not there It isn't, stop complicating it. There's no talking yourself into it.
Author NOsuchthing Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 Thank you all for the wonderful advice and for not being too harsh! lol you know, style of dress-----yes I admit that was a little shallow. i probably should have also mentioned that i was INSANELY nervous about everything and I may have been looking for reasons to get out of it because i was scared. that said, we did talk about things the following night and I was honest about my hesitation and all that (left out the dress issue...) and he actually apologized for being so shy which I said he didnt have to do but he insisted that yes he was behaving very passively but it was because i had behaved so nervously leading up to the meeting that he didn't want to scare me---so he kind of went the opposite way---- and you know the wierdest thing...the next time we hung out, not only did he look friekin hot, but he was all over me. i don't know if it just took a little while for us to connect the person on the phone/skype to the person sitting right in front of us but something happened. chemistry was back, we laughed, had fun, stayed in and watched movies and had beer and made out like highschoolers and it was a blasty blast... so we did have a great couple days but we didn't spend nearly as much time together as we intended as my best friend was kind of dealing with some stuff and he was staying with family so he got caught up doing things with them as well so.... the newest issue is he's been very distant since he got back home and I am very frustrated. We didn't sleep together which he made a point to call me and tell he appreciated that because he has started too many relationships that way and he would like us to wait---wondering if he means that though. he's called and texted a lot but I feel like he's acting different and it's making me want to be unavailable. my biggest shocker was I didn't get anything for Vday.. not that i need anything, but he's sent two dozen roses to my doorstep for no reason before and then on vday he doesn't and it just happens to be right after he left here. He did say that he came home to a friend in the hospital and that shook him up because his friend was shot twice and almost died and everyone is upset because they want to know what the hell was he involved in... anyway there could obviously be extenuating circumstances but I'm kind of stuck not knowing what to feel or do. when he was here he was obviously feeling me....constant kisses and affection and wanted to know if I was free every moment it seemed like. you can just tell when a person is very into you...so this new behavior is confusing me
Eddie Edirol Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 What did you get him for valentines day? A plane trip to you wasnt enough? Be up front with him and tell him you feel the distance. If you want to wait until the friend trauma blows over, you can do that, but watch his behavior.
kaylan Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 (edited) Thank you all for the wonderful advice and for not being too harsh! lol you know, style of dress-----yes I admit that was a little shallow. i probably should have also mentioned that i was INSANELY nervous about everything and I may have been looking for reasons to get out of it because i was scared. that said, we did talk about things the following night and I was honest about my hesitation and all that (left out the dress issue...) and he actually apologized for being so shy which I said he didnt have to do but he insisted that yes he was behaving very passively but it was because i had behaved so nervously leading up to the meeting that he didn't want to scare me---so he kind of went the opposite way---- and you know the wierdest thing...the next time we hung out, not only did he look friekin hot, but he was all over me. i don't know if it just took a little while for us to connect the person on the phone/skype to the person sitting right in front of us but something happened. chemistry was back, we laughed, had fun, stayed in and watched movies and had beer and made out like highschoolers and it was a blasty blast... so we did have a great couple days but we didn't spend nearly as much time together as we intended as my best friend was kind of dealing with some stuff and he was staying with family so he got caught up doing things with them as well so.... the newest issue is he's been very distant since he got back home and I am very frustrated. We didn't sleep together which he made a point to call me and tell he appreciated that because he has started too many relationships that way and he would like us to wait---wondering if he means that though. he's called and texted a lot but I feel like he's acting different and it's making me want to be unavailable. my biggest shocker was I didn't get anything for Vday.. not that i need anything, but he's sent two dozen roses to my doorstep for no reason before and then on vday he doesn't and it just happens to be right after he left here. He did say that he came home to a friend in the hospital and that shook him up because his friend was shot twice and almost died and everyone is upset because they want to know what the hell was he involved in... anyway there could obviously be extenuating circumstances but I'm kind of stuck not knowing what to feel or do. when he was here he was obviously feeling me....constant kisses and affection and wanted to know if I was free every moment it seemed like. you can just tell when a person is very into you...so this new behavior is confusing me What do you expect? If I traveled a great deal to see someone, and then she didnt seem that into me, then obviously once I got home I wouldnt focus on her much, if at all. And I mean come on...you were gonna cut this guy loose because of his dress style, which is super shallow. Its one thing if youre not attracted to someone physically based on their body type or facial looks, but clothes are entirely different. A girls style is an added bonus to me if I like her, but as long as Im attracted to her, her style doesnt matter much to me. Sure great style can make us notice people we otherwise might not have noticed too much, but if Im already attracted to a girl, she can wear dirty socks and a burlap sack and Ill still want to be with her. Id say just let him go because its better from him to find someone whos attraction for him doesnt wax and wane depending on what hes wearing one day to the next. I know Id want someone whod be attracted to me all the time, whether Im in a 3 piece suit or a white tee and gym shorts. If someones attractive, they arent going to automatically be unattractive when less dressed up. Also. do realize hes got a lot going on at home with his friend. Totally bigger issue than you right now...so dont jump the gun. Edited February 15, 2012 by kaylan
Recommended Posts