Cathster Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 (edited) Yep, my LDR is over, and not in the good way. He broke up with me last night. We had been arguing over text all evening about his lack of communication and he said that he had a lot on his mind. Considering before Christmas he'd been having doubts, I asked him outright if he wanted to break up. We had a long conversation on the phone which involved both of us crying. We both still love each other but it's what he wanted. For those who have been in a LDR that didn't work out,how the heck did you manage self control? I am struggling SO much to maintain NC and it's not even 24 hours later! I think it feels harder because he was so upset too. I can't bear for him to be upset so I just want to see how he is, even though I know I should just focus on me. I guess this is it - I've enjoyed being a part of this forum, everyone's so friendly and helpful here. I like to think that we did okay with our LDR, by making sure we kept communicating honestly, but sometimes it's just not enough. Edited February 9, 2012 by Cathster
blugirl Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 Awww so sad to hear it Really, there's no hope for coming back ><...? *hugs warmly* my heart goes out to you Cathster
HeavenOrHell Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 Aw, I'm so sorry to here this Cathster He couldn't handle the distance anymore? You're like my r/ship I think, you had no end in sight? People often say that LDR's will often crumble around the 2 year mark if there's no end in sight, it will be 2 years in April for me, and I've been struggling a lot, but I don't want to/can't give up (not yet anyway), have come close to it many times though. I struggle with the distance more than he does, he tends to make the most of what we have, I am learning to do that too, but realistically how can it continue with no end. Is there no way forward for the two of you? His lack of communication was because he was struggling with the r/ship, or is he just not a communicative person? It's clearly just as upsetting for him as you, and won't have been an easy decision for him. I think people in LDR's can break up because they love their partner so much that it's too painful to keep on missing them and wanting to be with them when circumstances won't allow, or they worry their partner isn't happy. Me, and a friend of mine who is in an LDR too, often say we wouldn't wish an LDR (with no end) on our worst enemy. I think I'd find NC with my LD partner a little easier (not that it's easy) than I did with my live in partner of 18 years, I found that worse as I had to stop myself from seeing him, but my LD partner isn't here anyway. But it would be hard to not log into skype, would take a lot of willpower, and I know I'd be wanting to phone and text him. If you think there's no way back (forward) for the two of you, then try to keep as occupied as possible, see friends, keep busy, but give yourself time to grieve too. You'll get there. And just remember, you did all you could to keep the r/ship going, you deserve a medal for that, I don't think most people could handle an LDR at all, so good on you Let us know how you're doing, ok? Yep, my LDR is over, and not in the good way. He broke up with me last night. We had been arguing over text all evening about his lack of communication and he said that he had a lot on his mind. Considering before Christmas he'd been having doubts, I asked him outright if he wanted to break up. We had a long conversation on the phone which involved both of us crying. We both still love each other but it's what he wanted. For those who have been in a LDR that didn't work out,how the heck did you manage self control? I am struggling SO much to maintain NC and it's not even 24 hours later! I think it feels harder because he was so upset too. I can't bear for him to be upset so I just want to see how he is, even though I know I should just focus on me. I guess this is it - I've enjoyed being a part of this forum, everyone's so friendly and helpful here. I like to think that we did okay with our LDR, by making sure we kept communicating honestly, but sometimes it's just not enough.
Author Cathster Posted February 9, 2012 Author Posted February 9, 2012 Thank you for your lovely replies <3 Yep that's right HoH, we had no end in sight. We've been long distance for about a year and two months - and the only way to allow an end date was for marriage, which he wasn't ready for and wasn't sure he ever would be, so thought it wasn't fair on either of us. Or for him to move back here, which he is adamant is not happening. So sadly I don't see a way forward - unless he decides to commit. Even then we do have some issues to work out. I'm really hoping that this is just a temporary thing, that a couple of months will sort things out, but I know I can't rely on that. It effectively is the end. He'd not been bad at communicating up until the past week - we have had a few blips throughout the year but I think it was just he had obviously made up his mind and was pulling away from me. I feel like I am being fairly restrained in terms of no contact at the moment, but it's getting to the stage of the day now where I'd call him, see how his day was going... it feels awful not knowing how he is. I think it is probably easier to maintain no contact than a standard break up in that I'd not really hear from him for most of the day until evening anyway, but it's still hard. Weekends are going to be the worst. I'm already making lots of plans with friends. They've all been wonderful. It's times like these you realise just how lucky you are.
folieadeux Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 I'm so sorry to hear this!!!! I can't tell you how relieved I am to see you have some good people around that are supporting you in your day to day life throughout everything right now though. Don't be alone and keep yourself busy...those are the things that will get you through. I'm hoping he comes around, but if he's saying he's not ready for marriage and won't move to you...then perhaps it's better to have known now than to have waited around for two more years because you can't be LD forever. I completely agree with HOH about the NC thing too; it's definitely easier to go that route with a LD partner because you're not used to having them around anyway. I know you're hurting right now, but I hope you take comfort in knowing that you've done all you can on your end to make things work and remember that we're all here for you no matter what. Keep us udpated!
Author Cathster Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) I'm struggling a bit today. This was my first serious relationship so everything is new. I don't quite know how to cope, but keeping busy seems to be working - I've already booked onto one holiday this summer that I'd originally cancelled because I wanted to use the leave to see him, and planning other holidays with friends. It just feels strange and surreal that he was the most important person in my life for five years and now he's an ex. I guess it would feel better if we split up for a reason that was actively causing a problem, but I suppose because we were doing fine with the travelling back and forth (or I was, because I didn't realise he didn't see a future) it makes it that much harder to wrap my head round. Thank you folieadeux I would love for him to come around but yeah, like you said, I guess it's better done now than two years further down the road. I still wish that I could have seen him one last time though - I hate that the last time I saw him I had no idea it would actually be the last time. Also, it's our anniversary, his birthday and of course Valentine's day (the day we had our first date) in the next two weeks. Am I just supposed to ignore these events? Of course I'm not going to message him saying happy anniversary lol but I hate the thought of not even acknowledging his birthday. Edited February 11, 2012 by Cathster
HeavenOrHell Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Aw it's bound to hit you hard, but you're doing all the right things, planning holidays to look forward to is a wonderful idea I think break ups are pretty much always hard to get our head around if we weren't expecting it or didn't want it, it's never easy Try not to over think things if possible. I'm sorry you've got 3 significant dates (his birthday etc) to deal with. Bad timing Take each one as it comes, if he wants NC then it's best to not send a birthday text, which I agree is sad and difficult, but if you do end up having some contact by then, a birthday text should be ok, see how things are at the time. I know how hard these things are... Big hugs, so glad you have your friends for support I'm struggling a bit today. This was my first serious relationship so everything is new. I don't quite know how to cope, but keeping busy seems to be working - I've already booked onto one holiday this summer that I'd originally cancelled because I wanted to use the leave to see him, and planning other holidays with friends. It just feels strange and surreal that he was the most important person in my life for five years and now he's an ex. I guess it would feel better if we split up for a reason that was actively causing a problem, but I suppose because we were doing fine with the travelling back and forth (or I was, because I didn't realise he didn't see a future) it makes it that much harder to wrap my head round. Thank you folieadeux I would love for him to come around but yeah, like you said, I guess it's better done now than two years further down the road. I still wish that I could have seen him one last time though - I hate that the last time I saw him I had no idea it would actually be the last time. Also, it's our anniversary, his birthday and of course Valentine's day (the day we had our first date) in the next two weeks. Am I just supposed to ignore these events? Of course I'm not going to message him saying happy anniversary lol but I hate the thought of not even acknowledging his birthday.
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