goldengirl11 Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 I'd be grateful for some advice. I have been communicating with an older man who I believed was 55 after reading his profile several months ago when we got chatting. I am 33. This was not a dating site but a chat forum for our favourite artist, so it started off e-mailing as penpals. Over time we got closer and first met in Oct when he showed me around his town (holiday resort) one weekend. We got on well and although he didn't initially make a move on me, other than holding hands/linking arms occasionally, we were friends I thought. Then at the end of my trip he asked if we were friends and said he was attracted to me and would like to give things a go between us. He knew I had got hurt from my last experience/ relationship, which he understood and sympathised. However, I hesitated to commit then. Recently, he visited London and we spent a couple of days together when things developed and we kissed a few times, which made him happy. It felt ok with me, but not quite right and something was missing. I agreed, however, to see how things went and not to date anyone else in the meantime. Selfishly, I know, this was contributed by having been lonely and possibly on the rebound for best part of last year and also valentines day was looming (I didn't want a repeat of last yrs!). We have spoke a few times on phone since, but is very here and there and mainly by text. It is also long distance - he lives about 5 hours away. Neither of us drive, although I'm learning. He told me when we last met he is 51, yet I read on his profile before he was 55! He also said he would have to really consider having kids in the future being quite an 'old Dad.' He lives with his Mum still who is unwell and to be honest am not that attracted to him. I feel that I am perhaps being shallow though. He has just written me a letter asking how I feel about him and wasn't sure if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm unsure of what to say/how to move forward. Thanks!
Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 It felt ok with me, but not quite right and something was missing. ... to be honest am not that attracted to him. That's all you really need to know. The age gap is irrelevant if you're not attracted to him, and already feel something is missing.
Author goldengirl11 Posted February 9, 2012 Author Posted February 9, 2012 That's all you really need to know. The age gap is irrelevant if you're not attracted to him, and already feel something is missing. Thanks stargazer, what I thought! It's a tricky situation though. His last comment on his letter also made me a little uncomfortable, when he referred to the stamp on the front of a rhinocerous and he said that tho he wouldn't win any prizes in the young and handsome dept, that he thinks he knocks the socks off the rhino on the cover in the attraction stakes!
oldguy Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 (edited) I personally have never been attracted to much younger women myself and for that reason have never been in a committed relationship with anyone much younger than myself. Having said said that; my mother was 16 years younger than my father & they where together for nearly 50 years until his passing. So those relationships obviously work. Still; even though I never thought that was strange for them, I've never been comfortable with it myself. But if your not attracted to him why isn't this post moot? "sometimes being nice is not nice at all":o Edited February 9, 2012 by oldguy
Author goldengirl11 Posted February 9, 2012 Author Posted February 9, 2012 I personally have never been attracted to much younger women myself and for that reason have never been in a committed relationship with anyone much younger than myself. Having said said that; my mother was 16 years younger than my father & they where together for nearly 50 years until his passing. So those relationships obviously work. Still; even though I never thought that was strange for them, I've never been comfortable with it myself. But if your not attracted to him why isn't this post moot? "sometimes being nice is not nice at all":o I think it's probably mainly the age gap which bothers me and feel that I would like someone of a similar age with more of the same outlook (e.g kids) who I am more attracted to also. I also admit, as cruel as it may sound, that I would be quite embarassed to introduce him to my parents/family later on, especially as I've never really done that before in the past anyway. Not on purpose, but it just so happens I've not brought along a bloke to family birthdays etc before. I am feeling very much put on the spot and he's certainly not afraid to put forward his feelings, which I find more pushy by letter to be honest - which twice he has done. The other time when we hadn't yet agreed to be exclusive (whilst we see how things go), and now to my surprise this other letter askling where I see it going and if my heart is in it etc. I would much rather discuss these things when we meet up next. However, now that his Mum has had a fall, he can't leave where he lives until she feels better, when I do wonder if there's anyone else who could take care of her in the meantime. She is also 'concerned' when he's been to London too and can imagine as soon as we say goodbye that night that he'd be on the phone to her. It just feels such a clingy relationship betweeen them too and to be honest found it quite rude when I went up to his town that I wasn't allowed to stay as she wouldn't have felt comfortable with visitors staying. Perhaps it might change in time, but for some reasons mentioned don't see it working out between us. Perhaps there is also more pressure with valentines day approaching. That's another issue I suppose, but think he'd be miffed if he didn't get a card. I remember him saying the last time he got one was in 2002! I am hoping we can just talk about things soon though over the phone, which would probably be easier than in black or white. Although suppose it would be easier to mention the age issue (i.e him knocking a few years off when he wants me to be honest with my feelings etc!) by letter than over the phone. However, as Stargazer said though, if I'm not attracted to him there is no point anyway!
mtber75 Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 It looks like there are more issues at play (with him) besides the age one. Probably you should just move on.
2sunny Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 What is it that he can offer you from 5 hours away? Think of yourself a bit... He's 22 years older than you. He lied about his age and he's a 55 year old living with Mommy! What is he offering you? Nothing! As long as you expect nothing - go ahead! But don't complain when he can't offer you anything more than texts... Which isn't close to what he THINKS he's offering.
FitChick Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 That's all you really need to know. The age gap is irrelevant if you're not attracted to him, and already feel something is missing. I agree. If he was your age, would that really change anything?
PinkInTheLimo Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 What is it that he can offer you from 5 hours away? Think of yourself a bit... He's 22 years older than you. He lied about his age and he's a 55 year old living with Mommy! What is he offering you? Nothing! As long as you expect nothing - go ahead! But don't complain when he can't offer you anything more than texts... Which isn't close to what he THINKS he's offering. My thoughts exactly. On top of that, you say that you don't find him very attractive... Then why the hell are you still in contact with this man? Are you of one of these women who cannot live without some guy giving her attention? It seems to me that you have more problems than just the age gap, which in any case is very big!
oldguy Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 (edited) You know, After my first wife & I split, I was in my early to mid 40's & I met a young woman in her mid twenties & we became what I thought was friends. She was a very intelligent & gorgeous young woman who I enjoyed talking to & being with until one night she made it obvious she was interested in more than friendship. In an instant so many conflicting thoughts & feelings ran through my head; Here is a beautiful young woman who wants me, but she is almost 20 years younger than I am, but my parents where separated by nearly the same age as the 2 of us, but she deserves more than a ONS from me & I have children her age. The last one won out & even though I knew, at that moment I would regret saying no for the rest of my life... I haven't & her & I have remained friends to this day. She is married now, has a child & I hear from her regularly. Come to think of it Golden girl, she is about your age now & I'm probably the age of your guy friend. You need to follow your heart & be with someone you love & can have a family with. And now that I think of it, there where times when we where together & got "the look" which was funny at the time but I can imagine would get uncomfortable if we where a couple. Edited February 9, 2012 by oldguy
2sunny Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 The "look" or not - op has implied no attraction to this man - and he lies. What's good about continuing with leading him on if she's not attracted?
Author goldengirl11 Posted February 9, 2012 Author Posted February 9, 2012 The "look" or not - op has implied no attraction to this man - and he lies. What's good about continuing with leading him on if she's not attracted? Sorry what does op mean? Thanks for ur response
kaylan Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 It means Original Poster...lol youre new to this whole online forum thing huh? =P
oldguy Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 (edited) The "look" or not - op has implied no attraction to this man - and he lies. What's good about continuing with leading him on if she's not attracted? I think you misunderstood my message, I clearly indicated I thought she should move on. The look was sort of that uncomfortable look from most often waiters for instance who weren't sure if we where a couple or father & daughter or what so there is often that slightly uncomfortable look its actually sort of funny but probably only obvious if you've experienced it & it probably wasn't worth mentioning. Edited February 9, 2012 by oldguy
Author goldengirl11 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 I think you misunderstood my message, I clearly indicated I thought she should move on. The look was sort of that uncomfortable look from most often waiters for instance who weren't sure if we where a couple or father & daughter or what so there is often that slightly uncomfortable look its actually sort of funny but probably only obvious if you've experienced it & it probably wasn't worth mentioning. I know what you mean about 'the look.' I had an older boyfriend a few years back (perhaps partly why I want a young one now;-) and it was a little embarassing! I remember a friend of mine thought he was my Dad before someone spilled the beans. That was a 14 year age gap, which was plenty. Although he was comfortably off, which didn't really have anything to do with it. He was also seperated with 3 kids - not ideal situation!
Author goldengirl11 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 (edited) It means Original Poster...lol youre new to this whole online forum thing huh? =P Yes, quite new I suppose. To this forum anyway. I'm also from England and think there's perhaps different abreviations with Americans too. Thanks ;-) Edited February 10, 2012 by goldengirl11
FitChick Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Why don't you tell that man that there are plenty of women his own age who are eager to meet him?
Author goldengirl11 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 (edited) I agree. If he was your age, would that really change anything? Perhaps, if shallow, it would help in being more attracted to him/someone? Edited February 10, 2012 by goldengirl11
Author goldengirl11 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 (edited) My thoughts exactly. On top of that, you say that you don't find him very attractive... Then why the hell are you still in contact with this man? Are you of one of these women who cannot live without some guy giving her attention? It seems to me that you have more problems than just the age gap, which in any case is very big! Tbh, I think you might have a point. Maybe I am enjoying the attention as at the moment you could say my social life is rather suffering. And the fact part of me is still bruised emotionally from the last man I was involved with. At least, I suppose, this new man would appear considerate to my feelings and faithful? Edited February 10, 2012 by goldengirl11
FitChick Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 this new man would appear considerate to my feelings and faithful? Just because he is older wouldn't make that automatically true.
2sunny Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Tbh, I think you might have a point. Maybe I am enjoying the attention as at the moment you could say my social life is rather suffering. And the fact part of me is still bruised emotionally from the last man I was involved with. At least, I suppose, this new man would appear considerate to my feelings and faithful? You are making assumptions. Would he be considerate? Would he be faithful? You have no way of knowing that for sure... There are times when a man steps up communication with a gal far away - for various reasons! IF he's married (and not living with MOMMY) he has good reason to "cover himself" - by not allowing YOU to visit HIS home. It may not be his MOM he lives with - it may be his wife. If nothing else - do a thorough back round check on him. Find out IF he's actually divorced. Find out IF he has anything concerning with the law or his credit that you SHOULD know about him before even considering getting involved. In the past - I have been SHOCKED at the info I find out... And it takes a LOT to shock me - but many men LIE, LIE, LIE! Find out what you need to know!
Author goldengirl11 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 You are making assumptions. Would he be considerate? Would he be faithful? You have no way of knowing that for sure... There are times when a man steps up communication with a gal far away - for various reasons! IF he's married (and not living with MOMMY) he has good reason to "cover himself" - by not allowing YOU to visit HIS home. It may not be his MOM he lives with - it may be his wife. If nothing else - do a thorough back round check on him. Find out IF he's actually divorced. Find out IF he has anything concerning with the law or his credit that you SHOULD know about him before even considering getting involved. In the past - I have been SHOCKED at the info I find out... And it takes a LOT to shock me - but many men LIE, LIE, LIE! Find out what you need to know! Thanks for your concern/suggestions, but I know he lives with his Mum for sure as he asked me round one occasion when I went up to visit him/be shown around town, and I did ask him if he'd lived with someone or been married before and he said no. Only lived away for a relatively short time I think for a job he once had. I know his father died young so perhaps in a sort of way he's taken the male place at home. He's also an only child, which suppose may explain things a bit?
2sunny Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Thanks for your concern/suggestions, but I know he lives with his Mum for sure as he asked me round one occasion when I went up to visit him/be shown around town, and I did ask him if he'd lived with someone or been married before and he said no. Only lived away for a relatively short time I think for a job he once had. I know his father died young so perhaps in a sort of way he's taken the male place at home. He's also an only child, which suppose may explain things a bit? Any adult male who's never been married and lives with his Mommy isn't worth considering to date. His alliance is to Mommy... End of evidence! He may as well marry her!
spookie Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Any adult male who's never been married and lives with his Mommy isn't worth considering to date. His alliance is to Mommy... End of evidence! He may as well marry her! Well to be fair, if he's 55 his mom must be very old, and he's likely caring for her. I think that's quite respectable. On the other hand, having NEVER lived away from home, probably indicates an issue. OP, a 20+ age gap is huge. You're just entering the prime years of adulthood; he's about to retire. Why are you so desperate that his perceived "faithfullness" is enough to keep you around? That should be a given; you should aim for much more than that.
2sunny Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Well to be fair, if he's 55 his mom must be very old, and he's likely caring for her. I think that's quite respectable. On the other hand, having NEVER lived away from home, probably indicates an issue. OP, a 20+ age gap is huge. You're just entering the prime years of adulthood; he's about to retire. Why are you so desperate that his perceived "faithfullness" is enough to keep you around? That should be a given; you should aim for much more than that. Unless this op finds glory in changing bedpans 15-20 years from now inviting... That is the reality of what he's fishing for - you gonna take THAT bait?
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