Author Cabin Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 You are free to post here, but when many people tell you the harsh reality of the routine of MOST A situations, hate the message, not the messenger. The problem is that the "many people" on here are a pretty specific subgroup: fOWs or BSs. Most APs who move on to a legitimate relationship simply stop posting here, and no wonder.
Author Cabin Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 Yes, there are other forums where people have been hanging onto the same AP, hoping they will leave their spouse some day, for going on 10 years in some cases. Just as there are some forums, arguably this one, where people are lamenting their bitter betrayals going on 10 years past...
donnamaybe Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 The problem is that the "many people" on here are a pretty specific subgroup: fOWs or BSs. Most APs who move on to a legitimate relationship simply stop posting here, and no wonder. Are you trying to claim that most A's result in the MM/MW leaving the M to be with their AP? And of those that do leave their spouse, many of those are because the BS kicked 'em to the curb after the WS begged to be allowed to stay. Yes, the much more prevalent example of an A is one which the WS never intends to leave their spouse.
2sunny Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Most MM who cheat are looking to fill a void within THEMSELVES - so Cabin - what is the broken part WITHIN your MM?
donnamaybe Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Just as there are some forums, arguably this one, where people are lamenting their bitter betrayals going on 10 years past... Nah. I don't see that. I do, however, see people using their stories as a lesson to try to help others not waste those 10 years on a go nowhere R. Pretty awful of them I guess, eh?
Author Cabin Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 Are you trying to claim that most A's result in the MM/MW leaving the M to be with their AP? No, if you re-read my statement, you'll see that I said most posters whose As become relationships stop posting here. I did not in any way say that most As turn into relationships. There is a big difference between the two statements.
2sunny Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 No, if you re-read my statement, you'll see that I said most posters whose As become relationships stop posting here. I did not in any way say that most As turn into relationships. There is a big difference between the two statements. How long have you been seeing this MM Cabin?
robf1971 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 The problem is that the "many people" on here are a pretty specific subgroup: fOWs or BSs. Most APs who move on to a legitimate relationship simply stop posting here, and no wonder. It doesn't matter if 1000 people on here have stopped posting because their affair turned legitimate. Your's hasn't yet.
Author Cabin Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 Most MM who cheat are looking to fill a void within THEMSELVES - so Cabin - what is the broken part WITHIN your MM? I've heard this statement before, that people who are unfaithful are somehow broken within. Where is the proof of that? I think that's a convenient thing for the BS to believe. If I were the BS that would definitely be the thing I'd want to hold on to, so I "get" it... But I think the reasons people cheat are about as varied as the reasons why people get married. The premise of His Needs, Her Needs is when you're in a M where you do not get your needs met, you are at risk of trying to get those needs met elsewhere. Both MPs are responsible to ensure each is having their needs met.
donnamaybe Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 No, if you re-read my statement, you'll see that I said most posters whose As become relationships stop posting here. I did not in any way say that most As turn into relationships. There is a big difference between the two statements. You claimed that "most people" are former BS and FOW because the "success" stories leave the forum. That would indicate you mean that if those "success" story people were still posting here, the type that were the "most" would be the "successes."
SBC Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 But what if I'm an other woman currently in an affair with no desire to end it but in need of support as I am struggling with the day-to-day difficulties of being the other woman? Where should I then turn for support? To Loveshack? To one of these other sites you mention? Is Loveshack only for the other woman who wants an end to the affair? A good place for you is in reading and not writing with the expectation of a supportive response. I have found that this forum was much different a few years ago. Do a search for Old Europe, Gel, Lyssa, OWoman, HeatherK08. Read their stories, and then come to your own conclusions, make your own decisions and live your life based on your own circumstances. Good luck!
Author Cabin Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 You claimed that "most people" are former BS and FOW because the "success" stories leave the forum. That would indicate you mean that if those "success" story people were still posting here, the type that were the "most" would be the "successes." That's pretty slippery.
donnamaybe Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I've heard this statement before, that people who are unfaithful are somehow broken within. Where is the proof of that? I think that's a convenient thing for the BS to believe. If I were the BS that would definitely be the thing I'd want to hold on to, so I "get" it... But I think the reasons people cheat are about as varied as the reasons why people get married. The premise of His Needs, Her Needs is when you're in a M where you do not get your needs met, you are at risk of trying to get those needs met elsewhere. Both MPs are responsible to ensure each is having their needs met. So let me get this straight - people lie and sneak around not because it is their choice to be a sneaky liar? Wow. I never knew it was so easy to shift blame. Oh, but I bet lying and sneaking is only an admirable quality when it is a cheater doing the lying and sneaking? If he "snuck" money out of your purse then "lied" about it, would he be absolved because it wasn't his choice to sneak and lie? He must have done it not because there is something wrong inside him but because, say, he wanted something he couldn't afford and you "get it?"
donnamaybe Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 That's pretty slippery. That was the context.
Anna-Belle Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 The problem is that the "many people" on here are a pretty specific subgroup: fOWs or BSs. Most APs who move on to a legitimate relationship simply stop posting here, and no wonder. What about other women currently in an affair? You would think they would be the largest group posting on an OW/OM forum? Not those who have moved past it or never been in one.
Anna-Belle Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Hi Anna-Belle, I'm in the same boat as you. If you have some time, read my old threads here. You'll see this isn't the forum for ladies like us. Good news is that there are other women like us and other forums where we can commiserate and learn from one another. I don't post much, but I get a lot of comfort from reading about the experiences of other women in my situation. I can't send you a private message yet, but I wanted you to know that if you are looking for true support, it is out there for you. Best wishes, H4A Thank you, H4A, I'll keep looking for a forum supportive of other women presently in affairs.
Angelina527 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Cabin, my A turned into a legitimate relationship and here I am. I try to offer my story and experiences. Why do you refuse to respond to anyone who is trying to help you understand the cruelty that is being perpetuated? Why do you refuse to acknowledge that what you and that man are doing to his wife is extreme cruelty? I hope you find happiness, but NOT at this woman's expense. See, when an affair DOES turn legitimate, there are lots of things to deal with. A relationship built on hurt and dishonesty is going to have some issues. *I* have been on both sides of this, so will you just stop and just LISTEN?? Unless you don't have a heart, you WILL have regrets someday and you and this man WILL have issues stemming from the way you both treated this woman. Mark my words, it WILL happen. Your relationship will not escape unscathed. Whether he resents you one day when he finally opens his eyes or he ends up doing to you what he is doing to her...it WILL happen. I promise. Again, you need to back off and stay out of this relationship until this jerk man and his wife figure things out OR man up and tell her the truth. You are helping to perpetuate abuse on this woman and it's just not cool. 1
MissBee Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I think most people are not scoffing. It's quite possible that Cabin's AP is living in the basement, sleeping on an air matress but it's also quite possible he's sleeping with his wife in her bed. There is zero way of knowing for sure. Add the fact into the equation that Cabin's AP has lied, cheated and deceived his wife by having an affair, sadly increases the chance that there is a lying, deceitful and cheating side to his character. Therefore there is an increased chance he is lying and deceiving Cabin. There is also a chance that he's not. A succinct and clear post of the essence of the conversation.
donnamaybe Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 What about other women currently in an affair? You would think they would be the largest group posting on an OW/OM forum? Not those who have moved past it or never been in one. Many who currently post here used to do so as an OW/OM. They have insight to share that may be helpful and HAS been to many people. There are others who have seen cheating and its fallout who share their thoughts. If you want a forum with answers tailor made to help you put up with being the extra when you should be the leading lady, there are forums for that. Most women of LS would be happy to see any woman be the leading lady. Problem is, when an A has dragged on year after year after year, it becomes clear that leading lady is not in the cards. Some try to point that out in an effort to give an OW the strength to refuse the lesser role. That's all. Good luck to you in whatever you choose.
MissBee Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 But what if I'm an other woman currently in an affair with no desire to end it but in need of support as I am struggling with the day-to-day difficulties of being the other woman? Where should I then turn for support? To Loveshack? To one of these other sites you mention? Is Loveshack only for the other woman who wants an end to the affair? I think every forum, like every other venue in life, has it's own ethos which may or may not be stated explicitly. Loveshack, from reading the very first page of the OW/OM board from years ago, has never been one that seems it would satisfy the needs of a "happy OW". That just isn't how this board seems to have organically developed. Most people lurk before they join, if they have read posts and seen how LS is, and if the general spirit doesn't suit them, they should find a forum that resonates and where more of the posts seem aligned to their desires. Anyone is free to post; however, it is up to you to decide if it is suitable for you. You cannot however, join and demand people start saying and doing more of what you'd like, if years before you ever came, they weren't. That's a waste of time. And especially since LS is not a service you're paying to get advice, support or discussion from....it is purely voluntary....so if it doesn't suit you, the internet is a vast place with something for everyone.
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 But what if I'm an other woman currently in an affair with no desire to end it but in need of support as I am struggling with the day-to-day difficulties of being the other woman? Where should I then turn for support? To Loveshack? To one of these other sites you mention? Is Loveshack only for the other woman who wants an end to the affair? It's one thing to enjoy an affair for what it is and know that it isn't going to last forever..You focus on your own life, family, friends, job, hobbies and don't put the MM first..It is what it is.. It's another to stay in an affair knowing deep down that he is never going to leave and divorce his wife, you (general you) put the MM first and live for the moments in time you two spend together, putting your own life on hold for a fantasy and what if future together.. There were some OW who used to post on here who just accepted their role as the OW, liked having the affair and enjoyed it for what it was.. Too many OW hang onto someone who really has no intention of changing their lives.. Sorry, I won't tell ANYBODY to stick it out for another year or more in hopes that they will land their MM for their own. On LS you'll get all sorts of responses because not only OW/OM, BS, WS reply here, people outside of the affair triangle are allowed to give their 2 cents worth too and actually, it's worth atleast hearing what others have to say instead of only wanting to hear from OW going through exactly what you are going through.
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Just as there are some forums, arguably this one, where people are lamenting their bitter betrayals going on 10 years past... Sadly there are just as many exOW, who haven't been in the affair in years and talk about like it just happened yesterday and still can't let go.
woinlove Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I've heard this statement before, that people who are unfaithful are somehow broken within. Where is the proof of that? I think that's a convenient thing for the BS to believe. If I were the BS that would definitely be the thing I'd want to hold on to, so I "get" it... But I think the reasons people cheat are about as varied as the reasons why people get married. The premise of His Needs, Her Needs is when you're in a M where you do not get your needs met, you are at risk of trying to get those needs met elsewhere. Both MPs are responsible to ensure each is having their needs met. No one forces MM/MW to lie. They could choose to be honest. If they are honest their spouse then has the option of making their own choices, which may not line with with what the WS wants. I think it is common to think of people who bring such a level of deception into their family and home, often the same home shared with their own children, are broken because nobody likes to think that some people are just that selfish and dishonest as part of their basic, unchanging character. However, perhaps some people are. Others I think can change into people who will choose honesty in the future. Not sure if you fall into that category, cabin, as you seem quite at home with the lies and deception and incapable of empathy for those who are being hurt by your actions.
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I've heard this statement before, that people who are unfaithful are somehow broken within. Where is the proof of that? For someone to cheat on their spouse, betray them, and every day LIE, deceive, plan a life behind their back, is pretty broken and selfish inside. It's an on going choice to knowingly deceive and pretend, to live a double life. Ask ANY therapist or marriage counsellor this question and see what the answer is. Asking people who cheat or those who are AP's, many will put the blame on the BS or other circumstances.
woinlove Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 What about other women currently in an affair? You would think they would be the largest group posting on an OW/OM forum? Not those who have moved past it or never been in one. A lot of OW don't post until they are hurting, at which point they typically want to stop being the OW. I think when they are happy being the OW there is less of a need for many of them to post.
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