MM sleeping "in the basement"

February 11, 2012

Bullying? I don't see this on Cabin's thread.

People have their opinions, thoughts but I don't see any bullying.

The term bullying has been stripped of any meaning on LS frankly....only a few of the same folks like to use it and always in some situation that doesn't warrant it. And each time, while they mention bullying, in the same sentence they are doing the same thing or worse. Sooo I ignore it....

February 11, 2012

Bullying? I don't see this on Cabin's thread.

People have their opinions, thoughts but I don't see any bullying.

The old familiar refrain used by a certain few people. There's been no bullying.

February 11, 2012

He isn't going to say anything like that on the verge of divorce, especially since his lawyer advised him to not to move out until there's a settlement.. If he wants an easier divorce and less hassel, he won't admit the A. If he does and she knows, then chances are, he'll pay more in the long run and have a tougher divorce. My guess is, he's playing it smart and hasn't said a word to his wife about it.

I wouldn't call that smart. I suppose some people maybe just care about the money, but their whole plan of seeing each other on the sly for a while until they feel they can let the children think they just got together in a different way than before sounds like torture to their souls to me. On the other hand, cabin is one of a small number of posters here that really makes me wonder where her heart is, sizing up the W and how she interacts with her H secretly, planning some distant "coming out" to unsuspecting children. Most OW you can see their hearts underneath the deception, but this one escapes me. I don't understand it at all, but they do sound well matched.

February 11, 2012

Are you positive this man notified his wife that he doesn't love her and was never in love with her? I think I read that in your other thread.

What man would say that? Even IF he felt that way - why hurt her more now?

He could simply say he doesn't love her now.

But sheez, do you really believe he would be THAT cruel?

February 11, 2012

I wouldn't call that smart. I suppose some people maybe just care about the money, but their whole plan of seeing each other on the sly for a while until they feel they can let the children think they just got together in a different way than before sounds like torture to their souls to me. On the other hand, cabin is one of a small number of posters here that really makes me wonder where her heart is, sizing up the W and how she interacts with her H secretly, planning some distant "coming out" to unsuspecting children. Most OW you can see their hearts underneath the deception, but this one escapes me. I don't understand it at all, but they do sound well matched.

Smart is the wrong word.. Careful maybe? Better outcome for him of course.

He probably wants a smooth sailing and quick divorce with no drama. If his wife knew about the A, then things wouldn't be calm.

Are you willing to have his kids 50% of the time if you move in together? How old are they and how many?

I really hope that the kids are put first and there isn't a big push to make them move in.. Infact, I hope your MM lives on his own for a while and gets adjusted before introducing you to his kids, as well as so you two can actually have a go at a 'real' relationship without it being an affair dynamic. If there are plans of him moving straight into your home and the kids there half the time too, good luck as that household is going to be rough.

February 11, 2012

Are you positive this man notified his wife that he doesn't love her and was never in love with her? I think I read that in your other thread.

What man would say that? Even IF he felt that way - why hurt her more now?

He could simply say he doesn't love her now.

But sheez, do you really believe he would be THAT cruel?

As a parent, I can't even imagine choosing to have a child with someone you don't love and then choosing to have another with the same person that you still don't love. Perhaps he has rewritten his own past because otherwise it doesn't make much sense.

February 11, 2012

Smart is the wrong word.. Careful maybe? Better outcome for him of course.

Only if he doesn't value his soul. People who weave too many lies too long probably lose track of what really matters and what it is costing them.

February 11, 2012

Are you positive this man notified his wife that he doesn't love her and was never in love with her? I think I read that in your other thread.

What man would say that? Even IF he felt that way - why hurt her more now?

He could simply say he doesn't love her now.

But sheez, do you really believe he would be THAT cruel?

That gives me the heeby-jeebies. The only time I can imagine anyone saying that would be in a huge "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" passionate drunken brawl.

Or in romance novels.

February 11, 2012

50% division of the matrimonial home and assets is the rule here too, but NOT 50% of a spouse's gross pay. More than likely, she will not be entitled to spousal support, despite her push for the maximum.

Infidelity is not factored into rulings about child support/spousal support where I live.

Oh and, I am entirely financial stable on my own. I could easily support him (and his family) in my own with little difficulty. So the amount he takes home is not a primary consideration for me in choosing him.

And I hope I've been very clear in my responses: his concern revolve around the children and the harm that would be inflicted on them in a mean custody battle. He is leaving her every single item they own, plus their home, and just wants his relationship with his children to remain in tact.

Ok - so from your prior thread we learn that YOU can support him on your own. So do that!

Let him give her everything she's asking for - since he betrayed her - he owes it to her.

Then you take care of him...that seems a decent amends to that woman - the one you stole from - you stole her life, her man and her dreams... So pay his way and all will be well when he gives her everything she's asking for!

You want the man - then pay for your wrong doings! That is setting things right - and should clear your conscience.

Take care of his W... You owe it to her.

February 11, 2012

isn't this the guy who went to marriage counseling with his wife , she believing it was to save their marraige, while he was only going so he could make it look like he did every thing he could ( even though he was in an affair and had decided to end his marriage?)

what a liar...no offense cabin, but seriously, how can you ever trust this guy...he's shown you his colors, what depths he will sink to when he feels entitled to something new?

do you not think that he once whispered the same words of love in to his wifes ear that he now sys to you, while telling her he never loved you?

if his wife is getting fed up with his antics, can you blame her?

( if i have mixed you up with another poster, i apologize)

February 11, 2012

Ok - so from your prior thread we learn that YOU can support him on your own. So do that!

Let him give her everything she's asking for - since he betrayed her - he owes it to her.

Then you take care of him...that seems a decent amends to that woman - the one you stole from - you stole her life, her man and her dreams... So pay his way and all will be well when he gives her everything she's asking for!

You want the man - then pay for your wrong doings! That is setting things right - and should clear your conscience.

Take care of his W... You owe it to her.

THIS^^

This guy sounds like a selfish S.O.B.

I may have been an OW, but I would never have tolerated the cruel behavior. In their divorce, she received everything she asked for because my now husband knew he owed it to her. WE stole her life from her, so the least he could do was give her what was rightfully hers without playing games.

Cabin, you also should not be reading their divorce documents...that is a private matter between them. You should back off or step up, be a woman and own up to what you are doing. Tell the wife the truth and screw the money.

Character is much more important than settlements.

February 11, 2012

Oh no - she's hiding behind the black curtain and calling the shots...

February 11, 2012

Oh no - she's hiding behind the black curtain and calling the shots...

Like the Wizard of Oz?

February 11, 2012

Like the Wizard of Oz?

Sure... Mainly because his WIFE doesn't know that there is another woman peeking into her M, her bedroom and her life! Even to the point of wanting to know where she sleeps and where her husband sleeps!

You know - do YOU want other people knowing IF your hubby sleeps with you - or - if not, where he sleeps?

She is privy to their entire private life - which means its not private! And he's been trying to convince his wife he's working on the M while he's screwing her over with a ton of betrayal!

Meanwhile - he IS the puppet - and the OP is pulling the strings...

I find it offensive!

Yes, OP - pay your debt to this situation YOU HELPED cause - make sure his wife gets EVERYTHING she asks for - pay her extra money - because YOU owe her that!

When you screw someone over - there is a price to pay. But no amount of money will buy you a clear conscience!

And you still can't bring your truth to the table - you can't be honest enough to show her what is really happening under her nose. Black curtain - yep - you keep hiding - it will get pulled back to reveal your truth very soon.

February 11, 2012

Wow, I don't get all the negativity in this thread. Cabin and her AP seem perfectly suited for each other. Why not help the two be together so the betrayed can find people worthy of them?

February 11, 2012

Yep - worthy of honesty and commitment!

I hope Cabin gets happy - I hope she gets what she hopes for... But not at the expense of someone else's happiness. There's a price to pay for that.

February 11, 2012

In this case, my AP has been told not by his lawyer not to move out until a custory arrangement is in place.

Cabin,

This statement is just so odd to me. Now, I'm not a lawyer but I do know a few - a pair in family law even.

And this just flies in the face of what they advised me to do in my D - namely, file for D and then get the heck out of the house. My own lawyer advised the same: once filed, someone leaves the home. ASAP. In fact, most online articles advise the same.

I cannot remember (not here much any more) but has your MM officially filed for D in your (his really) jurisdiction? If so, how can he possibly be in jeopardy of abandonment?

The thing is, HE is blaming HER for not being able to leave (big, no, huge red flag). But he doesn't NEED her permission in any sense of the word - legally or otherwise. Since she, according to him, is the sole impediment to his leaving...what can he do to get her to give him what he wants (say that aloud...how does that ring to you)?

Answer: Nothing. HE can only control himself. Whether he lives in the basement or lives across town, she will decide what she wants. His being there has little, if any, positive effect.

Can you answer what he thinks he is accomplishing by being there? In terms of the D I mean...I am almost positive you'll say "for the kids" but that doesn't make sense. At some point, he MUST move out - and by extension not be around them as much. HE clearly knew this BEFORE he told her he wanted a divorce. So, from the perspective of getting his W to agree to HIS terms (read that again, sound stupid? good, because it is - its also his reason for staying I think - or at least what he tells you) - what is he accomplishing?

Honestly, what he seems to be accomplishing is...the status quo.

How sure are you that he wants a D? (Has he even filed?)

--JW

February 11, 2012

I do believe it was only when his W took action - did they start discussing the terms of the D and settlement. His W came to him with an agreement - seems that happened AFTER he spent time and energy purposely making her miserable... Under the pretenses of going to MC...

OP this is terribly hurtful the way he has done this to his W - cant you see how manipulative and mean spirited you two planned for this to end?

How do you have a clear conscience at this juncture when neither one of you has participated with any honesty?

February 11, 2012

I was involved in a conversation with a colleague the other day about her former husband, who, some 20 years ago, lived in the basement for six months while separating from her and preparing for life with his AP.

My colleague shared what a tough time that was, with two children living at home, but how now 20 years later, she's remarried, and he's been married to his former-AP since that time.

As I listened to the conversation, I had two thoughts:
1) How recently I've seen such smug comments posted on here about MM sleeping "in the basement" is basically a lie told to string the OW along
2) How I've read over and over on here that NO MM leave and marry their OW.

I am starting to wonder if the "case by case" stuff we see on LS isn't really represent at all about what goes on IRL because, as I've stated before, I personally know now over 12 couples who got together in an A and went on to be M and stay M.

Anyway, when I read some of the "know it all" posts on here from people who think all As are the same, all MM are the same, all OW are the same, it just kind of urks me! I'm not defending As, but I will argue that they aren't all cut from the same cloth.

My AP has been sleeping out of the bedroom for quite some time and has been inactive sexually with his W for close to a year. How many would scoff at my naivete for "actually" believing that?

Cabin

I would not scoff at what you, as I would not scoff at a BS that says the WS didnot have sex with AP.

I share how you feel, and in fact I have seen a higher success rate of marriages that were former AP's.

Great post BTW:)

Oh and just ran across this and thought it fit perfect:

A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.

David Brinkley

February 11, 2012

I would not scoff at what you, as I would not scoff at a BS that says the WS didnot have sex with AP.

I think most people are not scoffing. It's quite possible that Cabin's AP is living in the basement, sleeping on an air matress but it's also quite possible he's sleeping with his wife in her bed. There is zero way of knowing for sure.

Add the fact into the equation that Cabin's AP has lied, cheated and deceived his wife by having an affair, sadly increases the chance that there is a lying, deceitful and cheating side to his character. Therefore there is an increased chance he is lying and deceiving Cabin. There is also a chance that he's not.

February 11, 2012

i know there are many sites out there that is geared specifically for those mistresses currently in an affair and happy with the situation.

But what if I'm an other woman currently in an affair with no desire to end it but in need of support as I am struggling with the day-to-day difficulties of being the other woman? Where should I then turn for support? To Loveshack? To one of these other sites you mention? Is Loveshack only for the other woman who wants an end to the affair?

February 11, 2012

But what if I'm an other woman currently in an affair with no desire to end it but in need of support as I am struggling with the day-to-day difficulties of being the other woman? Where should I then turn for support? To Loveshack? To one of these other sites you mention? Is Loveshack only for the other woman who wants an end to the affair?

You are free to post here, but when many people tell you the harsh reality of the routine of MOST A situations, hate the message, not the messenger.

February 11, 2012

But what if I'm an other woman currently in an affair with no desire to end it but in need of support as I am struggling with the day-to-day difficulties of being the other woman? Where should I then turn for support? To Loveshack? To one of these other sites you mention? Is Loveshack only for the other woman who wants an end to the affair?

Please go ahead and post and you will get a diversity of responses. I think what the poster was referring to is that there are some sites where you will hear ONLY from OW who are supportive of being in an A. That is not true of LS, as you will hear from all kinds of people, many who find affairs harmful to one of more of the people in the triangle. Provided you don't only want to hear things that reinforce your own perspective, LS is a good place to post.

February 11, 2012

But what if I'm an other woman currently in an affair with no desire to end it but in need of support as I am struggling with the day-to-day difficulties of being the other woman? Where should I then turn for support? To Loveshack? To one of these other sites you mention? Is Loveshack only for the other woman who wants an end to the affair?

Hi Anna-Belle,

I'm in the same boat as you. If you have some time, read my old threads here. You'll see this isn't the forum for ladies like us. Good news is that there are other women like us and other forums where we can commiserate and learn from one another. I don't post much, but I get a lot of comfort from reading about the experiences of other women in my situation.

I can't send you a private message yet, but I wanted you to know that if you are looking for true support, it is out there for you.

Best wishes,

H4A

February 11, 2012

Yes, there are other forums where people have been hanging onto the same AP, hoping they will leave their spouse some day, for going on 10 years in some cases. They will tell you what you want to hear.

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MM sleeping "in the basement"

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