EyeJustDontKnow Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 Anyone else deal with this? "My life sucks, I just wish I could disappear" What is the best way to handle when you hear/see that? I go back and forth between understanding, relating, humor, trying to change the subject...not sure what the best response is.
betterdeal Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 Is this from someone you know who says this sort of thing often? In which case, they may be depressed and could look into getting professional support, starting with CBT or anti-depressants. Internally, you can learn to emotionally distance yourself from it. From the way you presented the question, I get the sense you feel upset by this behaviour in another person. If you remind yourself that people do have down days, but ultimately it's not your fault, you can feel empathy for them without feeling obliged to do so, if you see what I mean? Do a Google on Emotional Distancing for yourself and suggest they look into depression and consider seeking help.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 I respond to it pretty badly, obviously here! If the person is in a tough spot and needs a shoulder, a listener, or a hand, I am happy to be there. But when I feel like I'm being manipulated or that the person is not going to do a thing for themselves … I'm not very warm or fuzzy.
Author EyeJustDontKnow Posted February 9, 2012 Author Posted February 9, 2012 Is this from someone you know who says this sort of thing often? In which case, they may be depressed and could look into getting professional support, starting with CBT or anti-depressants. . Thanks. Yes it is my gf, she is depressed. A lot, it seems. I respond to it pretty badly, obviously here! If the person is in a tough spot and needs a shoulder, a listener, or a hand, I am happy to be there. But when I feel like I'm being manipulated or that the person is not going to do a thing for themselves … I'm not very warm or fuzzy. I am getting worse at hearing it...for a while I was ok with being sympathetic but lately I am just tired of it, its like she is getting used to being coddled so I get things like this about once a week. It's just making me weary
Eddie Edirol Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 Start avoiding her, dont reward her by hanging out with her. If she starts asking her why, tell her straight up, say you cant be around a downer anymore that isnt looking to improve their life. You cant be sympathetic forever.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 Thanks. Yes it is my gf, she is depressed. A lot, it seems. I am getting worse at hearing it...for a while I was ok with being sympathetic but lately I am just tired of it, its like she is getting used to being coddled so I get things like this about once a week. It's just making me weary I hope you will talk with her openly about how you are feeling about this. I have had a lot of problems with depression and looking back I know I've been a miserable friend and girlfriend at times in my life. At this point, though, I've learned that it is really my responsibility to keep myself healthy enough to be a good partner, parent and friend. I can't let myself wallow and expect the coddling. Yes, I do get good support and love from my husband when I am struggling, but I don't expect him to stick around forever if I just give in. Depression is serious but a person needs to help themselves and not just be a heavy weight on their loved ones.
Author EyeJustDontKnow Posted February 9, 2012 Author Posted February 9, 2012 I hope you will talk with her openly about how you are feeling about this. I have had a lot of problems with depression and looking back I know I've been a miserable friend and girlfriend at times in my life. At this point, though, I've learned that it is really my responsibility to keep myself healthy enough to be a good partner, parent and friend. I can't let myself wallow and expect the coddling. Yes, I do get good support and love from my husband when I am struggling, but I don't expect him to stick around forever if I just give in. Depression is serious but a person needs to help themselves and not just be a heavy weight on their loved ones. I do want to talk to her about this, it's just that I am not sure how to approach it. For obvious reasons it can be very delicate and I don't want to come off like I am attacking her. You hit the nail on the head too; depression is serious and lots of us do struggle with it. The things I am seeing are somewhere between "Oh Poor me" and "If I keep telling you these things you will pay attention to me". Which is odd because I already give plenty of attention. Maybe to a fault. Maybe that is part of my problem too, listening too much? I fear I may be enabling this behavior and that is what I want to avoid. Many times I picture myself saying "You know I love you and I am here for you but it's getting really difficult to hear the same gripes all the time. Especially when these gripes are things that are within your power to overcome if you would only apply yourself" Looks one way on paper, have a feeling that it likely end up being an awkward conversation that might slide dangerously into a fight. And I dont want that, it has not come to that yet. I really hope it never does, as I have been holding back a long time now,
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 Many times I picture myself saying "You know I love you and I am here for you but it's getting really difficult to hear the same gripes all the time. Especially when these gripes are things that are within your power to overcome if you would only apply yourself" I think the first part is good, but the bolded - not. If she is actually depressed and not simply having a pity party for herself, she probably is beyond the point of "applying herself" to amend her problems. A person who is inside of depression really cannot think that way and truly does feel overwhelmed by the "gripes," even if they seem like very simple things. Tell her that help is available. Maybe she needs therapy. Maybe she might benefit from drugs. (I mean legal prescription ones!) I had a friend who was able to help me out of my personal "sloughs of despair." She would tell me things to do, step by step. Like something simple that I really could easily handle and that had nothing to do with the things I was feeling buried about. But, aside from just trying to be helpful to her, it is fair to yourself to let her know that YOU need your relationship with her to be going in a different direction than you being a sounding board for her unhappiness, especially if she is not taking action to do something about it.
FitChick Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 (edited) I have a co-worker like that. At first I asked her why she put up with her loser boyfriend and she said, "Where am I going to find someone at my age?" The latest is his house is in foreclosure, he has no money and she is angry that "he'll expect me to support him." Of course he'll move in with her and she will support him and keep complaining. Now when she starts whining, I usually pick that moment to walk away to get tea or carry papers pretending I am going down the hall. Fortunately there is a new sucker, er, co-worker, in our department who gives her a sympathetic ear. She is another loser magnet. I am only helpful and sympathetic to people who actually take action to improve their situation instead of just complaining. Edited February 9, 2012 by FitChick
betterdeal Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 (edited) Depression is serious but a person needs to help themselves and not just be a heavy weight on their loved ones. And loved ones who put up with it for overly long periods encourage it. It becomes the norm. It's like cleaning up after a messy kid or walking a drunk home every night. Keep doing it and you become part of the problem. Step back from it. Tell her how you feel. You have feelings and needs too. Have a read of this: http://helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm Edited February 9, 2012 by betterdeal
Author EyeJustDontKnow Posted February 9, 2012 Author Posted February 9, 2012 Thanks for the replies all. Wanted to respond to this directly: I think the first part is good, but the bolded - not. If she is actually depressed and not simply having a pity party for herself, she probably is beyond the point of "applying herself" to amend her problems.Totally understand this, there are some things in life that are just out of our control. The type of complaining I am seeing the most of are things that actually ARE in her power to change; it is mainly letting herself get walked all over by other people, from her alleged "friends" to her family to her pets. Maybe it is just the testosterone in my talking but I see things like this and think "I would never put up with that, why do you?". These are long term, over and over and over things that I keep hearing about day after day after day. I have offered as much help as I can while respecting boundaries, for exmaple I see her daughter disrespect her but its not my place. I also see her daughter break rules and suffer no consequences yet I am the sounding board for how difficult things are. When I see the same actions allowed to continue and those actions are making my gf depressed, or affecting our plans then it gets to me. I don't want to be an enabler, but I feel like I need to handle this with kid gloves. And I am not real clear on where the line is.... Thanks again for all of your thoughts, much appreciated!
betterdeal Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 It is a tough one to get right, but your heart is in the right place. As the article I linked to suggested, suggesting she gets a general check up from her general practice doctor may be more acceptable to her as a route to getting help to get out of that depressed state. Depression affects different people differently, and what may seem to you as something simple to correct may seem like climbing a mountain with a broken leg to someone in significant depression. It does to me when I look back to when I was severely depressed and what I felt unable to do. There's real brain chemistry going on in depression that puts one in an altered state. You might as well think of yourself as a monkey and her a fish, then judge her on her ability to climb a tree. Regards her problems standing up for herself, I found assertiveness training helped me a lot. There are lots of good books on that out there, but my favourite is one of the golden oldies, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty Diet is important too. Simply adding a multivitamin to her diet can help her brain chemistry improve. As is exercise - a brief stroll or a swim every day can help improve the mind. However, all advice is dependent on her agreeing she has a problem and wants to fix it. You can be there to assist her, but you cannot do it for her. Suggest seeing her doctor for a check up with her. That could be the first step in the right direction. As for yourself, make sure you get healthy doses of healthy, happy people in your life. Keeping your spirit up is essential.
Stellar Wench Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Anyone else deal with this? "My life sucks, I just wish I could disappear" What is the best way to handle when you hear/see that? I go back and forth between understanding, relating, humor, trying to change the subject...not sure what the best response is. Tell her to go volunteer at a women's shelter. Those women have it a lot worse than she does. I'm sure at times they would have liked to disappear. She's probably just looking for encouragement from you, but some people are vacuous holes, and all the encouragement you can give will never be enough. She needs to build her own esteem through herself, not through the validation of others. I'm dead serious about helping at the women's shelter. It will help her get out of her own head, while also giving her a sense of accomplishment.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 Anyone else deal with this? "My life sucks, I just wish I could disappear" What is the best way to handle when you hear/see that? I go back and forth between understanding, relating, humor, trying to change the subject...not sure what the best response is. You say, "I'm sorry to hear that, I hope that things get better for you soon. You know I'm here if you need to talk or something..
denise_xo Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 I generally try to balance between showing compassion and encouraging people to focus on their own empowerment and responsibilities and the things they can do to improve their situation. But at the end of the day, the person you're talking to is going to have to want to take some action for him/herself.
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