Hockey55 Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 So I've tried to sort out this problem of mine on my own but I'm really just not sure what I should do. Basically, I've been in a relationship for nearing 3 and a half years now, and is has been great. My girlfriend and I were both freshman in college when we met and have been going out ever since (just having graduated). Anyway, we were both virgins before meeting, but started having sex a few months into the relationship. Everything was great. At one point, my girlfriend decided she didn't want to have sex before marriage (her family is baptist and devout), but after about a month or so eventually decided that because she figured we would get married it would be ok to continue having sex anyway. Well, a few months ago she decided that she didn't want to have sex anymore before marriage. I guess I should have seen it coming. This time I'm fairly convinced she won't reconsider. I'm not religious at all, so I really don't have any guilt issues about sex, where obviously she does. My problem, though, is that I know I'm not ready for marriage now and probably won't be for many years. Furthermore, I know I shouldn't rush marriage just for sex, but I find myself thinking about it pretty often now. I love her and she's a great girl, but after basically 3 years of having sex almost daily, I just don't feel satisfied physically with the relationship not having any sex at all. I feel very guilty that this is hard for me to cope with because I'd like to think that our relationship is about more than sex. Anyway, because of this I've been debating breaking up or potentially making the relationship MORE serious, because I don't know how I could handle how things are right now. So, I guess I'm asking a few questions. Has anyone else dealt with these issues and how can I handle this? A lot of stuff has been going through my head, but I know I just don't have the perspective on my relationship I need to decide what I should do. Any responses would be greatly appreciated.
UCFKevin Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 OUCH. To begin with, it's incredibly harsh and lame for her to, well, basically, tease you like that. "Hey, want to have sex! Yeah! Enjoy it! Yeah! You like that? OKAY. Nevermind. no more. Sorry." I would be pissed off big time if I was you. Sex is important. It's not as important to some people as it is to others. But what she's done is basically a slap to the face. Others may feel differently, I'm sure they will, but damn, that's rotten s***. There is much more to a relationship than sex of course, but don't let anyone tell you it's not THAT important or THAT big a deal, because everyone's different. But one thing you MUST not do is even get near the reasoning, "If we get married, we'll have sex!" Never EVER EVER get married for ANY other reason than, "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person." If you're thinking about breaking up, do it. It's not cool what has happened, not to me. If I were you, I'd dump her and tell her, "Think twice next time you do something like this to someone."
Pyrannaste Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 It's possible she stopped the sex trying to make you hurry up proposing. But probably she really began to feel bad with herself because she was sure you'd two would end up marrying, and now that three years and half have passed and you are not even engaged she is afraid you'll *never* propose and she is starting to regret she had sex with you, feel guilty, feel bad with herself. (Mind that I'm *not* saying it's your fault!) I think that stopping the sex probably was a stupid move from her, but I also think she has every right in the world to do it. It's up to you to decide what to do, whether to break up or not. But Kevin is very right, never ever marry someone for any other reason than, "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person." The best thing you can do is discussing all of this with your girlfriend. Tell her you are not ready to marry, but if you think you'll eventually marry her, tell her. It is possible she is feeling 'betrayed', or used, or that she is afraid you have decided you don't want to marry her. Please tell her everything, let her know how you are feeling, and absolutely be honest about it.
jk Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 You know, my ex did pulled that same exact "no sex anymore" line on me after 3 years! we started having sex a year and a half into our relationship. Boy was I pissed off. Before he told me that, he didn't touch me for a week, and that was weird because we had never gone for 3 or 4 days w/o sex. I found out that he was having second thoughts about our relationship as a result of flirting around with his co worker. I think he used "no sex" as an excuse. I understand where your girlfriend is coming from. I am a Christian and always thought I would never have sex until marriage, but I loved my boyfriend he loved me. He even brought up getting married and raising a family together. Then he tells me he can't commit anymore which is complete BS. My advice? As long as your girl isn't cheating, (like my ex was) I think you need to respect her decision because that will show her how much you love her and that you support her. It's hard to continue a relationship without holding onto the same values. Love isn't just a feeling- it's a choice you make to be with this one person no matter what. If you can't handle not having sex until you get married, then it's your call.
UCFKevin Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 And don't feel bad about it if that IS your call. Don't be guilted into feeling like a bastard if that's what you decide to do, to end things because of the sex situation.
DerangedAngel Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 I've had several guys break up with me because I wasn't willing to sleep with them. It sure didn't make me feel good, but I knew it was their call. I think it is fair for anyone to set sex as a (or even "the") primary expectation from a relationship. That being said, I have never dangled sex in front of a boyfriend, let him have it, and taken it away. It's cruel, I say. If you decide (well, you already have) this is something you need in your relationship with her, tell her. If she isn't willing to hear you out and agree that what she has done is pretty f*cked up, then you shouldn't feel guilty about leaving her. On the other hand (playing her for a moment), if you approach her and she thinks you're being a "typical guy", and you don't care about her, or the new choices/standards she is making and setting for herself, she is justified in leaving you. My opinion. Never EVER EVER get married for ANY other reason than, "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person." - UCFKevin I hope everything works out for the best. Good luck. -Deranged
Samson Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 I'm astonished Deranged! You've only broken up with "several guys" 'cause you wouldn't sleep with them? Would this be a large or small proportion of the guys with whom you've broken up? BTW: You may be interested to know this is not a top priority for me.
DerangedAngel Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Samson! Why are you always putting quotations around all my vague words ("plenty" and "several")? Most of my relationships (so yeah, a large portion) have ended in this way: I refused to sleep with boy. Said boy decided "screw it" and found someone else to sleep with. I found out. Boy promised to be a saint. I gave boy a second chance. Boy didn't learn his lesson. I left. Boy blamed it all on me on me not putting out easily enough. BTW: You may be interested to know this is not a top priority for me. Well it's a top priority for me now! I think I'm kidding. -Deranged
amyfrank2442 Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Okay, For one I dont think you should get married just because of the SEX, I think its really her problem that she dont want to have sex and the whole religion thing could just be a cover up. But also could not be in that case I think you should get rid of her for a while and think this over! I mean what if you do get married and its the same way? Your screwed pretty much from there! If you dont like that idea then you should really talk to her! I think she was just being a big tease! and should'nt ever do that again. Getting teased is not at all great! It really sux! So what you need to do is think it over for your self and then talk to her with your idea's.
Author Hockey55 Posted June 4, 2004 Author Posted June 4, 2004 Thx for all the comments. A couple of you were saying she was being a tease, but I know she wasn't. I guess she lived a sort of sheltered life before college and was rebelling from that when we started having sex. A few years later she has changed her mind about things, so it wasn't like it was an elaborate game or anything. I definitely don't plan to get married just for the sex, though. I haven't talked seriously with her about this and I will now. I've sort of been a coward about this issue because I'm staying at my parent's place for the summer (they just moved across the country) and I really don't know anybody here, so she's the only person I have to talk to until I get to know some people out here. It's a selfish reason to postpone talking about this issue, though, and as you all said, this is really something that I need to discuss with her. Anyway, I guess I'll know something more about this situation in the next few days. Thanks again for the advice.
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