bluewolf17 Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 I have really come full circle and need LS'rs to set me straight! I dated a guy when I was 19 and he was 18. We dated over 3 years, first loves, etc. It ended because he basically neglected me till I left. He wanted to see other girls and I didn't want him to, but I got tired of it and ended the relationship. It was very hard. It wasn't more than a month or two, that he came back full force. He loved me, I am his dream girl..he wants me back. But I met another guy and fell in love. I dated that guy for 6 years! Here is where I am going to get flack. My first love ex, he never let me go. I don't think more than 2 months would go buy without him confessing his love/sending flowers, telling me he's a changed man. But I was in love with someone else. To be fair, I did "go on dates" with him. I texted and talked to him (he always started it). He would say he had to "let me go" but he would call a month later saying I'm still the one for him. Now he has had several relationships in six years, none of them lasting very long. He always said no one compared and blah blah blah. To be honest, I still loved him very much, but I was hurt and I didn't trust him, and I wanted to move on myself..but I still loved him. He even got a girl pregnent that he only dated for 3 months, now he has a 2 year old. Looking back I feel like such a full. Everyone was amazed that a guy would hang on to a girl for six years hoping for a chance. I didn't think much of it but that he felt guilty..but now I see how much he really tried and how much I hurt him when I said that I was still seeing someone. The two years are when I really started to pay attention..wondering how it would be if we were together. Starting in July of 2011, he started dating someone, and I didn't really hear from him till October. He called me at work and said how he thought he was over me..till he heard my voice. We flirted and he called me his nickname..but we didn't make plans to hang out like we normally did. For some reason, my heart broke. I didn't hear from him again. Come November/December/January I was heart broken. I was sick with pain over missing him, and thinking I had missed my chance with him. I never EVER contacted him because I truly wanted him to be happy and I didn't want to interfere. Plus, it would have hurt too much to find out how happy he was. I am still in my relationship, but honestly I have been thinking of breaking up for over a year. I talk to my guy and he really tries, but I think I fell out of love a long time ago. In the end of January on a sick day, my ex texted me "how are you? I'm so sorry it's been so long". I didn't respond for awhile. Then I said I was fine. Basically, he said he had missed me so much, wondered about how "we" would be, and wanted to contact me, but that he was dating a girl and it was VERY serious. They moved in right away after 2 months with another couple, then they got a house to rent by themselves in December, talked about buying a house/getting married. Well he said that he broke up with her about a month after they moved in, that he just couldn't deal with her personality, but that she was great but not compatable. I was sooooo happy. But I didn't show it. He said he missed me and wanted to get together. He texted me or called almost every day. So last Sunday I saw him and we spent a few hours togther. He was really flirtatious and nostaljic at first, but then he seemed sad and I think still a bit turn up over the fresh breakup. THEN I RUINED EVERYTHING by confessing my love, how I had hoped that he was finally single, that we could be together, that I always loved him..etc. And..he says that he doesn't feel that way about me "at this moment" that he still very much loves her, and that she changed him. I was heartbroken..This all went down Sunday/Monday. It's Wenesday and I haven't heard from him except a text that said my timing was terrible. I am ashamed of how I acted and think I ruined my chance... He told me how much he cared for me, how many times I had turned him down..and how confused he was. I really really want a second chance, but I think my problem was confessing me feeling when he is obviously still hurting over his last relationship. He said he broke her heart..but he seemed sad. When I asked why don't you just get back together, he didn't answer. I am going NC now..I think it's the only way. I hope that in a few months either he will have healed and I will have gotten out of my relationship. But Honestly, I just think he might end up back with her and I will be hurt. I haven't heard from him since yesterday. My heart is just broken because I not only miss my ex desperetly, but I have to break my boyfriends heart too. I feel like a absolute monster.
Philosoraptor Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 It's funny how when we don't deal with current issues we tend to idolize the past. I think you need to end the relationship with your current guy and spend some time alone. Not wishing for anyone to come back, but learning who you are and what you want out of this world. It doesn't seem like you or your ex had put much time into healing before trying to move on and took some leaps that didn't work out as anticipated. Without those issues resolved one can not truly embrace another. During your current relationship you were going on "dates" with your ex, and allowing him to continue doing these things. Not only did doing this keep him hanging on and offer him false hope, but it planted the seeds of doubt in your head. By allowing this behavior to continue this new guy didn't have a chance. Does he know that you have went on dates with your ex or that he was constantly professing his love for you? It seems that when the ex stopped giving you that extra attention you went seeking it and that surely put your current relationship's downfall into overdrive. You're not a monster, you're just very emotionally confused and scared. What you need is some time just for yourself, outside of a relationship, to figure out exactly what you want. What you can't do in this time alone is pine over anyone. Just look at the tone you are writing in, and words like "at this moment". It speaks of two people who really haven't taken the time to heal properly and don't know what they want out of life. You both need time alone to figure these things out before you can start anything as there is way too much push and pull right now. I truly feel bad for you, but worse for your current partner. Either he has no idea what is going on and will be completely blindsided when you tell him that you have been going on dates and allowing your ex to cross boundaries that should exist in any relationship, or he knows about it and is an idiot (which I'd still feel sorry for). Everyone here is going to get hurt and everyone is in for a good dose of pain. I hope everyone takes the time needed to heal so that they can move on to a more positive future.
Author bluewolf17 Posted February 9, 2012 Author Posted February 9, 2012 Sigh..you are right... When I broke up with my ex, I was so ready to just move on. I was tired of hurting. But it was weird..like out of no where I met a lot of really fantastic guys (and I thought I would be alone forever) and one stuck out more than others, so we have been dating ever since. I never took the time to really be sad and mourn the old relationship - I felt like I did that while I was with him! But I knew in my heart that those feeling were there. I just ingnored them because I knew it would work. But when someone comes at you again and again over 6 years telling you how much they changed/cared, it's hard to ignore, coupled with the fact I still loved him. What kept me away was I didn't know if he had changed his ways and I did love my new guy and wanted to see how it worked out. We would no contact eachother for a month or two, and right when I missed him most, he would text me saying "you are the only girl for me" or something else. And I felt exactly the same. What really hurts is that once I found out he was really single, I thought now was the time. 6 years! And he told me how even when he was really happy with her, he still wondered about me, and deeply missed me. But a few weeks later I found out he is still texting her, and when I confront him he says he has no intetions with me, and that he is still very much in love with her, and isn't ready to jump into anything, and he told me how terrible my timing was. I have to just admit to myself that their relationship really isn't over, he said some things he probably didn't mean (or didn't think I would agree to) and that I missed my chance.
lalalandman Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 It's called having your cake and eating it too. He'll never snap out of it. Move on already.
Author bluewolf17 Posted February 9, 2012 Author Posted February 9, 2012 Honestly..if feels like I am the one that wants my cake and to eat it too. (but who doesn't want that?) I'm the one that had many oppurtunities to get back together and I never took them. It took him 5 years but it sounds like he found someone great-even if they did just break up-but now I am the selfish one for expecting him to want me back right away and to feel the same way about me. Stupid.
BoredAgain Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 I have to be honest, this sounds like a pretty terrible situation for everybody involved. As Philosoraptor said, you (and your Ex for that matter) sound emotionally confused and unclear about what you want out of life. Keep in mind, it's been 6+ years since you've been in a relationship with him, do you even remember what that was like? And if he's changed, as he claims, then how do you know that you'd even be compatible anymore? I mean, he sounds just as emotionally confused... so what are the odds of the relationship working out? Probably pretty low. You really need to take the time to figure out what you want.
Cmac Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Seems like both of you just want what you can't have. As soon as either of you becomes unavailable the other one wants reconciliation and aren't interested when the other is available.
Sugarkane Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 6 years is a really long time, it's odd he didn't move on. Does he only want to get back together because your with someone else now? Or his other options didn't work out?
Author bluewolf17 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 SugarKane, My ex has tried to get me back many many times over the six years. I was with someone else so it never happened. I have told him many times that my feelings are still there, but becaue of my other relationship, I couldn't be with him, despite is attempts. I know that's a long time for a man to try, I found it so endearing and it just validated the feelings I still had for him. He even told me he broke up with a few girls when things got too serious-because of his feelings for me. So know that he is single (at least that's was he told me as of a few weeks ago) he seems wrapped up grieving over his failed relatinship. When I admitted that I would like to try with him again, that's when he said he didn't see me romantically right now, and that he is still in love with his ex (the one he just broke up with). So I don't know. I feel really foolish for thinking that he would still want me. I haven't talked to him for 5 days now, and after my heartfelt plee that I stilll cared for him..I haven't heard back. So I guess I got my answer.
Author bluewolf17 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 I just got a text message from my ex. I haven't talked to him since last Tuesday when he said my timing was terrible and that he basically was still in love with his most recent ex girlfriend, and that he only sees me as a dear friend. "Hey Listen, Im really sorry about how things ended up last week. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. I feel pretty bad about it, the last thing I wanted to do was cause more pain in your life. I apoligize". WTF! I am not responding. I got that over two hours ago and I'm not responding. He told me what he had to say and his text just tells me that HE feels bad, not that he didn't mean it, not that anything changed. He is confessing his own guilt over telling me the truth. I have been reading LS a lot and getting energy to do NC for sure this time.
Philosoraptor Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Whether he means it or not really doesn't matter. Hopefully he is truly apologizing to heal and not just to get a reponse from you. You both will find healing from within and be better off in the long run.
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