Whos right?

[robaday]

So, you set up a date, the girl rings you to invite you the following day.

 

The next day there's a misunderstanding over the time - you think earlier, she thinks later. You call her up and she is hanging with her friends on the other side of the town to the date (which was in a park). She suggests you go shopping with her and friends, but it's a beautiful day so you say just meet me at the park.

 

This is where the problems start. She insists you meet her at the shopping centre. You say, look - I get the time was misunderstood but its a beautiful day, just hang with your friends and meet me later. She doesnt like this......so you suggest, lets hang out tonight. She has an issue with this and says Im being dificult. And slowly the whole date is ruined.

 

I thought I was being flexible by inviting her to hang with me later (seeing as I thought she was running late as it was)......she said I was being dificult. And now we havent spoken in a week.

[TaraMaiden]

There IS no right or wrong - just poor communication.

Ring her up, send her a bunch of flowers, and suggest dinner....

then talk over poor communication.

And confirm dates in texts.

[TheFinalWord]

So, you set up a date, the girl rings you to invite you the following day.

 

The next day there's a misunderstanding over the time - you think earlier, she thinks later. You call her up and she is hanging with her friends on the other side of the town to the date (which was in a park). She suggests you go shopping with her and friends, but it's a beautiful day so you say just meet me at the park.

 

This is where the problems start. She insists you meet her at the shopping centre. You say, look - I get the time was misunderstood but its a beautiful day, just hang with your friends and meet me later. She doesnt like this......so you suggest, lets hang out tonight. She has an issue with this and says Im being dificult. And slowly the whole date is ruined.

 

I thought I was being flexible by inviting her to hang with me later (seeing as I thought she was running late as it was)......she said I was being dificult. And now we havent spoken in a week.

 

How many dates is this?

 

Hang with her friends? RED FLAG. This could work in your favor if you have game and can make all of her friends like you. Personally I would not even consider this.

 

I would have said, "thank you for inviting me to hang out with your friends, but I would prefer getting to spend some one-on-one time with you. Is it possible for us to re-schedule?"

 

With this response you have made her the focus and if she has any sense will see the logic behind wanting to spend intimate time her on a date.

 

If she says "no" then you already know there is a game being played or she is a difficult woman.

[Oxy Moronovich]

How many dates is this?

 

Hang with her friends? RED FLAG. This could work in your favor if you have game and can make all of her friends like you. Personally I would not even consider this.

 

I would have said, "thank you for inviting me to hang out with your friends, but I would prefer getting to spend some one-on-one time with you. Is it possible for us to re-schedule?"

 

With this response you have made her the focus and if she has any sense will see the logic behind wanting to spend intimate time her on a date.

 

If she says "no" then you already know there is a game being played or she is a difficult woman.

This post is 150% correct. *gives TheFinalWord a handshake*

 

OP, she insisted you meet her friends cuz she wanted them to evaluate you. Many women cannot make decisions on men without the approval of their friends. That's a red flag because a woman she be able to make relationship decisions by herself. Any woman who cannot make relationships decisions by herself is actually a little girl.

 

Plus, women like to pull that fake timing thing. You walk in to meet her, thinking it's just gonna be the two of you. But then you see she's with a friend or an acquaintances (or several). And then she pulls that, "I just casually bumped into Rachel" line. And Rachel wants to evaluate you and give her approval or not.

 

OP, THIS CHICK IS NOT LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL. Any chick that needs her friend to evaluate her bf is lame.

[robaday]

Id seen her quite a lot - over a month, and wed hung out 4 nights a week and got on really well, there was insane chemistry there, and Id met her friend before - we got on quite well so that wasnt the issue.

 

I did notice she was very insecure though. Wed met two days before but she had cancelled the previous date to that one so something seemed to be up - I thought id give her benefit of the doubt.

 

It wasnt really the whole mix up thing I was bothered about. It was more her insistence that I meet her - she was the one who wanted to go to the park, but also the one who had made plans with me and also a friend, she also didnt want to just meet me later out of principle. I really wasnt bothered she was late, or hanging with a friend, it was more the insistence that i went somewhere i didnt want to go....coupled with skipping the other date.

 

She was pretty pissed with me even though i said we could hang later. so i just said, "hey ive really enjoyed the time weve spent together recently and was looking forward to today. its really no big deal if you cant make it, but id did offer to hang out later or reschedule. you cancelled 2 other dates recently, which is understandable, i know youve been stressed, but its become a bit of a pattern and i cant really keep arranging things with you anymore, im sorry"

[thatone]

the only advice i would give beyond what you did already was be less apologetic with these types. she's trying to play you, so by all means, feel free to play her back on that fear of rejection that all such immature selfish little girls have. then you at least raise the odds of getting laid before you toss her aside.

[TheFinalWord]

This post is 150% correct. *gives TheFinalWord a handshake*

 

Thanks! I'm learning from the experienced posters here

 

Id seen her quite a lot - over a month, and wed hung out 4 nights a week and got on really well, there was insane chemistry there, and Id met her friend before - we got on quite well so that wasnt the issue.

 

I did notice she was very insecure though. Wed met two days before but she had cancelled the previous date to that one so something seemed to be up - I thought id give her benefit of the doubt.

 

It wasnt really the whole mix up thing I was bothered about. It was more her insistence that I meet her - she was the one who wanted to go to the park, but also the one who had made plans with me and also a friend, she also didnt want to just meet me later out of principle. I really wasnt bothered she was late, or hanging with a friend, it was more the insistence that i went somewhere i didnt want to go....coupled with skipping the other date.

 

She was pretty pissed with me even though i said we could hang later. so i just said, "hey ive really enjoyed the time weve spent together recently and was looking forward to today. its really no big deal if you cant make it, but id did offer to hang out later or reschedule. you cancelled 2 other dates recently, which is understandable, i know youve been stressed, but its become a bit of a pattern and i cant really keep arranging things with you anymore, im sorry"

 

Good response except for the apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong. You seem flexible and open minded. She's being difficult. And it doesn't sound like any kind of date to me if there are friends around; unless its a group date. So asking for a re-schedule is good. If there are always a bunch of friends around at the beginning you risk becoming one of them Just my policy there though.

[robaday]

Thanks for advice everyone - I concur - I think she was being dificult, think she was into me. I know she was trying to play me, she tested me quite a bit leading up to the other day, pretty much prompting me to prove myself. I didnt react to most, although there was one where i was a bit of a loser and whinged.

 

I felt this was a test though...to see if id come running to see her and her friend.

 

TBH Ive been more than nice though, in fact probably too nice. And despite her bitchy message after the argument, I think I left things on a reasonable fair note - emphasised ive enjoyed the time i spent with her but cant keep putting in, even empathized with her skipping dates.

 

I did like her quite a bit and would love to hang with her again, but hey, my free times valuable and i got other things to do.

[robaday]

So,

 

I waited for things to calm down and asked her if she wanted to meet face to face this week. And absolutely no response (at least last 2 days).

 

Feel like crap, I didnt want my message to be construed as breaking up with her last week.

 

Guess I gotta leave it be. Sucks she couldnt digify me with a reply

[kaylan]

Shes worthless imo. Immaturity like that isnt even worth a second thought.

 

She obviously thinks she can do better, but you can do way better yourself.

 

Dont sweat it OP. Girls like her arent worth their salt.

[robaday]

I guess, and Im only speaking from my perspective - if i have no feelings for someone, i have no issue replying. If Im not interested, I also have no issue replying, but silence in my experience has generally meant anger, or wanting to move on.

 

Guess its pointless speculating. Everything was going so well up until the night she cancelled, wed spoken every day, and spent the previous weekend together. But her behavior became a little erratic, inviting me out repeatedly, then cancelling, then trying to make it up to me then cancelling.

 

Its all a little strange, because she seemed a great girl.

[carhill]

When a seemingly great girl's behavior becomes erratic, believe the actions. 'Misunderstandings' are tools of the trade for some folks. Ambiguity is the grease.

 

When I get to the misunderstanding stage (someone telling me I must've misunderstood them), if I'm not already gone, I provide a nice document for them to sign so there are no 'misunderstandings'

 

Human relations aren't that difficult if humans choose to not make them difficult. It's all about choice.

[robaday]

Are you suggesting she was playing games? Or confused? Or simply seeing how much weirdness Id put up with?

[carhill]

'erratic behavior'

 

That about sums it up. Go with that.

[TheFinalWord]

Yeah, I think you did the right thing. I do think your last message to her about how you can't keep investing was probably interpreted by her as a break up. But if she cared for you she would respond to you.

 

If she is playing games then it's better to get out now.

 

I know how frustrating a no-reply can be. But unfortunately a lot of guys and girls operate this way. To me it shows a general lack of respect for people's feelings. Another key indicator she isn't good LT material. I wouldn't message her anymore.

 

One key that I think is a big clue to finding "the one" or at least a good potential relationship....

 

 

• If you show your vulnerability to a girl and she does not respond, she's not the one.
  
• If you do show your vulnerability to a girl and it moves her she is the one.
  

 

For example, you have now shown yourself as vulnerable. You contacted her and expressed a desire to talk. You have exposed yourself and shown you have feelings for her. If she responds and wants to work it out, she has potential. If not, and your vulnerability does not affect her one bit, move on. I am a big believer that a man showing his vulnerability is the opening stage for an emotional bond.

 

This is also the case for approaching a woman. We are removing our ego and showing our vulnerable side. If a woman responds to it, go for it. If not, she is not the one.

 

Let me give you two examples:

 

1) My ex-GF. We had a falling out. I wrote her a nice letter exposing my heart to her and telling her how I felt. She did not respond, had her mom send me a nasty letter, and proceeded to put pictures of herself with her new BF on Facebook wearing the clothes I bought for her. LOL! It stung a little, but then I saw that my exposed heart was nothing to her and I moved on.

 

2) This OL "relationship" I had with a girl. We spent 60 hours talking on the phone. Our first date IRL and she said there was no chemistry. Prior to her saying that I expressed how much I liked her and tried to set up another date. She waited 3 days to write me and gave a lame excuse. Bottom line, showing my underbelly did not move her.

 

I can give many more examples. But what's the common denominator? Our vulnerability did not move these girls in the slightest. Therefore, we know that there is no potential for a meaningful relationship.

 

You can get bitter over these interactions. But a better approach is just to recognize that you want an emotional bond with a GF you are interested in a relationship with. If its not there, then you just know you saved yourself a lot of heartache and pain.

[TheFinalWord]

BTW, when you show yourself vulnerable to a girl and she blows it off, it hurts. Basically as men our pride it the core of our being.

 

But just know there is no way to "force" a girl to respond to your vulnerability. You only show this side of yourself once. Even if you could get a response out of her you'll be carrying the relationship. The stress of that isn't worth it! If she doesn't respond move on and know that it's her loss. You sound way more grounded than her anyway.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You should of just threw your hand up in the air, laughed and walked away when she was giving you the run around that day.

 

If a woman doesn't want to spend one on one time with you, don't push for it or even "work" for it...If she wants to spend time with you she will, and she'll make time....over her friends even!

 

You can't be so nice and understanding, you should make sure you're needs and demands/respect are being met as well...don't fall for the game, don't get caught in the whirlwind of chemistry or what you perceive to be initial valid emotions, be ready to walk away at any time, because one the ship changes course and it feels wrong then make her bring the ship back on course, don't try and bring it back on course for you, her or the both of you (however you perceive it)

 

Someone has to want to be with you as well, you can't make them want that...and that's the bottom line, and because you respect yourself you know to walk away or at least push it off to the side until she fixes..or not.

 

Don't be so nice and understanding, she doesn't respect you for it, she looks down on you for it.

[robaday]

Thats a really good response thank you.

 

I think, at least what ive noticed is, its the insecure women who you cant expose your feelings to, whereas the secure ones seem to be fine with it.

 

Im not a needy nor jealous person, I dont need much contact and dont need to see someone a great deal to feel satisfied. Its when they cancel, or start acting strange my own insecurities come out. And they did this time, I called her out on her bizarre behavior, which probably came across as needy. I told her I had really wanted to see her one night when she cancelled late.

 

It was her insistence that shed make it up to me that bothered me. Even without the mix up, I generally dont make plans two hours before Im meeting someone else.

 

Im not bitter, just surprised, and disappointed.

[TheFinalWord]

You should of just threw your hand up in the air, laughed and walked away when she was giving you the run around that day.

 

If a woman doesn't want to spend one on one time with you, don't push for it or even "work" for it...If she wants to spend time with you she will, and she'll make time....over her friends even!

 

You can't be so nice and understanding, you should make sure you're needs and demands/respect are being met as well...don't fall for the game, don't get caught in the whirlwind of chemistry or what you perceive to be initial valid emotions, be ready to walk away at any time, because one the ship changes course and it feels wrong then make her bring the ship back on course, don't try and bring it back on course for you, her or the both of you (however you perceive it)

 

Someone has to want to be with you as well, you can't make them want that...and that's the bottom line, and because you respect yourself you know to walk away or at least push it off to the side until she fixes..or not.

 

Don't be so nice and understanding, she doesn't respect you for it, she looks down on you for it.

 

Amen!

 

Thats a really good response thank you.

 

I think, at least what ive noticed is, its the insecure women who you cant expose your feelings to, whereas the secure ones seem to be fine with it.

 

Im not a needy nor jealous person, I dont need much contact and dont need to see someone a great deal to feel satisfied. Its when they cancel, or start acting strange my own insecurities come out. And they did this time, I called her out on her bizarre behavior, which probably came across as needy. I told her I had really wanted to see her one night when she cancelled late.

 

It was her insistence that shed make it up to me that bothered me. Even without the mix up, I generally dont make plans two hours before Im meeting someone else.

 

Im not bitter, just surprised, and disappointed.

 

I think you're right about insecure women.

 

I agree that often times the way people act can be surprising and disappointing. It's not until there is conflict that you can see the full spectrum of a person.

 

If you were meant to be a conflict would bring you together more.

 

I don't think it's insecurity as much as you have standards and she doesn't care about what's important to you. You don't want someone like that. You can't make her value what's important to you though. Someone you can be vulnerable with will also care about what's important to you and will respect you as a person. Not blow you off, "test" you, play games, and put up a hard shell.

[carhill]

Im not bitter, just surprised, and disappointed.

 

IMO, the key to avoiding bitterness is to accept the lessons learned and use them in the future. Over time, with enough repetition without learning, such circumstances can wear a person's soul down. Trust me, that's not a place you want to be. Onward

[Ninjainpajamas]

Insecure women need men who make them feel insecure.

 

It's true, even though that seems backwards...you probably think to yourself "Well wtf, doesn't a woman who feels insecure want a man to make them feel secure and happy with themselves and the relationship?"

 

First of all, that's only something a woman can do for herself, not a man.

 

What women want is not necessarily what they react to. If you were a jerk, didn't give her the time of day, strung her along, she might have reacted completely different towards you...she'd be whining and complaining to her friends how you never call, or don't get back to her right away...blah blah blah. A lot of women love to complain about this ****.

 

Yet with a secure woman she might have a level of expectations, expectations that you would meet. Because you're not being a crazy, controlling or unfair jerk, which a secure woman is going to want..she's not going to have time to play games or the BS. She has a goal, she knows what she wants and is looking for and she's willing to invest in the right guy, instead of every other guy who strikes her fancy.

 

With insecure women they like the chase, they like the unavailability that men make them feel that way, the unknowing, the turning the bad guy into the good guy...just for them of course. It's all a game for them, and without the chaos they don't know what to do, they get bored, things are too easy-going, you're too available.

 

As a man though you always need a little bit of an edge, don't so nice. And all you need to do to accomplish is that is demand more of what you want or need, you don't need to try and act that way...just don't be walked over and If you're expectations aren't being met than be willing to walk away or laugh it off and just be whatever...because all your eggs are never in one basket. Say what you want, what you need, and don't just bend backwards, don't be so compromising...do that for your serious relationship or wife that deserves it.

[robaday]

This ones got me somehow. It could be she thinks I broke up with her and hence is protecting herself, I did say I couldnt put anymore in. But I guess if she wanted it she would have replied by now.

 

Havent felt this way since I was 16! It would take a lot for me to ignore someone completely.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

 

• If you show your vulnerability to a girl and she does not respond, she's not the one.
  
• If you do show your vulnerability to a girl and it moves her she is the one.
  

 

 

You're not using "vulnerability" as a synonym for "penis" are you?

 

OP, I think you two both could been a little more easy going. Whether she had gone to the park or you shopping. Neither of you are "wrong", it's just that you butted heads. But I do like what Finalsay said to you in his first post. It was good advice.

[robaday]

Well who knows, maybe she will get in touch, she didnt seem the kind of person to just block someone out, but I guess Ive got to play it cool either way and get on with things. Its been three days, she knows where I am.

[mortensorchid]

Sorry to hear this. Obviously this wasn't meant to be by any means, due to communications and whatnot. Hope you have moved on by now.