Venting. Needing to evaluate how I come across to guys.

[maysj18]

So I've been casually talking to a cute guy around campus, we hung out two nights ago and watched a movie. He was very affectionate, kissing me and cuddling me and it was fine. We joked and subtly made his way up my shirt and very gently pushed it away and he never tried again. Granted, sparks weren't flying or anything, but it was still fun. Anyways, my phone self-destructed on me that night pretty much so I was phonless all yesterday. Thinking he may have texted me since the night went fine, I sent him a funny message on Facebook saying "I've been phoneless for the last couple of days..hopefully it hasn't seemed like I was ignoring you." and he said "Well, that would mean I would have had to text you haha"

 

what. the. f*ck?

I don't feel that he was kidding, because I said "Well thank God we dodged that bullet." and he never replied. Had he not had a good time, whatever, but that seemed so mean to me. It really hurt my feelings, because I did NOTHING to warrant such disgusting behavior.

 

This has happened more times than not since getting to college. I used to think it was just the male population in my age range, but now I'm starting to feel that I must come across very undesireable when we actually hang out. Rather than any relationships ending peacefully, it's always been me getting the cold shoulder when I had no idea anything was even wrong. It's hard not to take it personally when someone intentionally goes out of their way to hurt your feelings. I'm very honest in what I want and I try my hardest to not lead anyone on. I have never put out to any of the guys I'm talking about, because I want to make sure we develop a relationship with substance before taking it to the bedroom. Could that be why? Could all these guys seriously just be mad they didn't get in my pants? How could I evaluate myself when I don't even know what I'm doing wrong? I'm really confused. :/

[kaylan]

Im confused. See to me, his first response was just him being goofy...especially since he said "haha". If I said that to a girl, its my way of saying "well theres nothing to ignore from my end because you havent hit me up in two days, but Im being cheeky with you because Im wondering if youre into me"

 

If he didnt text you, he may have been waiting for you to hit him up, and was waiting around while your phone was messed up. Its either that, or maybe he is just an dumb young dude who says stupid stuff.

 

The "dodge the bullet" thing...who knows why he didnt reply right away. Calm down and quit rushing. Just text the dude again. He could have interpreted that any sort of way, and he could be busy. You wont know how he took it if you dont talk to him.

 

You cant assume every dude is just out to get laid. Some are, and some arent. Some dudes want quick lays, others want a nice gf.

 

And some people give cold shoulders out of awkwardness. They dont know how to just tell someone they arent interested in anything physical or relationship wise anymore, so they just ignore the situation to avoid an awkward convo.

 

I say just talk to the current dude.

 

EDIT: Btw, when did you last text each other?

Edited February 8, 2012 by kaylan

[TheFinalWord]

So I've been casually talking to a cute guy around campus, we hung out two nights ago and watched a movie. He was very affectionate, kissing me and cuddling me and it was fine. We joked and subtly made his way up my shirt and very gently pushed it away and he never tried again. Granted, sparks weren't flying or anything, but it was still fun. Anyways, my phone self-destructed on me that night pretty much so I was phonless all yesterday. Thinking he may have texted me since the night went fine, I sent him a funny message on Facebook saying "I've been phoneless for the last couple of days..hopefully it hasn't seemed like I was ignoring you." and he said "Well, that would mean I would have had to text you haha"

 

what. the. f*ck?

I don't feel that he was kidding, because I said "Well thank God we dodged that bullet." and he never replied. Had he not had a good time, whatever, but that seemed so mean to me. It really hurt my feelings, because I did NOTHING to warrant such disgusting behavior.

 

This has happened more times than not since getting to college. I used to think it was just the male population in my age range, but now I'm starting to feel that I must come across very undesireable when we actually hang out. Rather than any relationships ending peacefully, it's always been me getting the cold shoulder when I had no idea anything was even wrong. It's hard not to take it personally when someone intentionally goes out of their way to hurt your feelings. I'm very honest in what I want and I try my hardest to not lead anyone on. I have never put out to any of the guys I'm talking about, because I want to make sure we develop a relationship with substance before taking it to the bedroom. Could that be why? Could all these guys seriously just be mad they didn't get in my pants? How could I evaluate myself when I don't even know what I'm doing wrong? I'm really confused. :/

 

Yeah I would counsel that you refrain from texting or social media for communication at the beginning. If there's a 1% chance of miscommunication, just wait until you can call or call from a friends phone. I guarantee there's misinterpretation here.

 

As to your other points, we'll you appear very cute so I don't think you're undesirable. But college guys can be very shallow and if they don't get sex soon will disappear. So you're smart to put up a guard.

 

In terms of relationships, rarely do they end peacefully so don't be hard on yourself for that.

[fishtaco]

So I've been casually talking to a cute guy around campus, we hung out two nights ago and watched a movie. He was very affectionate, kissing me and cuddling me and it was fine. We joked and subtly made his way up my shirt and very gently pushed it away and he never tried again. Granted, sparks weren't flying or anything, but it was still fun. Anyways, my phone self-destructed on me that night pretty much so I was phonless all yesterday. Thinking he may have texted me since the night went fine, I sent him a funny message on Facebook saying "I've been phoneless for the last couple of days..hopefully it hasn't seemed like I was ignoring you." and he said "Well, that would mean I would have had to text you haha"

 

what. the. f*ck?

I don't feel that he was kidding, because I said "Well thank God we dodged that bullet." and he never replied. Had he not had a good time, whatever, but that seemed so mean to me. It really hurt my feelings, because I did NOTHING to warrant such disgusting behavior.

 

This has happened more times than not since getting to college. I used to think it was just the male population in my age range, but now I'm starting to feel that I must come across very undesireable when we actually hang out. Rather than any relationships ending peacefully, it's always been me getting the cold shoulder when I had no idea anything was even wrong. It's hard not to take it personally when someone intentionally goes out of their way to hurt your feelings. I'm very honest in what I want and I try my hardest to not lead anyone on. I have never put out to any of the guys I'm talking about, because I want to make sure we develop a relationship with substance before taking it to the bedroom. Could that be why? Could all these guys seriously just be mad they didn't get in my pants? How could I evaluate myself when I don't even know what I'm doing wrong? I'm really confused. :/

 

Here are some basics:

 

1) People are flaky. Try being a guy and dating women of college age range. Same difference. Hot n cold, changes mind from one second to another. In fact, women (and probably men) of ages do this, just that the percentage is higher in younger people.

 

When it comes to dating, assumptions don't count. If a date went well, it just means that... the date went well. It doesn't mean anything else is obligated to happen.

 

A while back I had a wonderful first date that started out as a 30-min chat at the coffee place, turned into a 7-hour long all day date, ended up making out at a restaurant. The stuff of story-book romances right? A couple of weeks later and some flake-outs on her part, she was dating someone else... bottom line, you never know.

 

But, do you do the same thing? Hot n cold? Flirt but no follow up? If you do, then don't worry, that's just average behavior. But you lost the right to complain because you do the same thing. You deal with it, just like others have to deal with you. If you honestly don't do that, then kudos, you are one of the few people alive today with excellent manners.

 

2) Was your facebook a private message? If it wasn't, wrong move. Don't post public messages for other people to see unless you two have something serious going on. Otherwise that's just inviting drama.

 

Also, he was probably just trying to be funny, I don't think his intention was to hurt your feelings. Again, it is what it is. If you are keenly aware of other people's feelings, and you are always considerate, then you have the right to complain. I don't know you, so if you are really honestly a considerate person with great manners, again, kudos to you, you are one of the few.

 

3) Don't spend the evening cuddling and watching movies at your place or his, that's reserved for when you are far along with the dating that you're ready for sex. No it doesn't have to be, you're right. Why does cuddling at night at a private residence mean sex? It doesn't, but it's the gray area. It's to everyone's advantage to avoid gray areas, unless you are intentionally going into the gray area to play mind games. Which is fine if that's your approach, but if you're not a mind game player, it is to your extremely disadvantage to do things similar to mind games players. And you can complain that mind game players ruined a neutral activity for you. And you would be right, but this is how the world works, what can you do?

 

First few dates should be out and about. At a pub, at a coffee place, go bowling, movies at the theater, whatever. Sorry but miscommunication is so common, especially so early in dating, that you should try to keep things as clear as possible, unless of course, you know what you're doing and you are intentionally playing mind games.

 

Anyway, don't worry, dating is a number game, there will be others. Just keep doing what you do. Some will be better than this guy, some will be worse.

[TheFinalWord]

Here are some basics:

 

1) People are flaky. Try being a guy and dating women of college age range. Same difference. Hot n cold, changes mind from one second to another. In fact, women (and probably men) of ages do this, just that the percentage is higher in younger people.

 

When it comes to dating, assumptions don't count. If a date went well, it just means that... the date went well. It doesn't mean anything else is obligated to happen.

 

A while back I had a wonderful first date that started out as a 30-min chat at the coffee place, turned into a 7-hour long all day date, ended up making out at a restaurant. The stuff of story-book romances right? A couple of weeks later and some flake-outs on her part, she was dating someone else... bottom line, you never know.

 

But, do you do the same thing? Hot n cold? Flirt but no follow up? If you do, then don't worry, that's just average behavior. But you lost the right to complain because you do the same thing. You deal with it, just like others have to deal with you. If you honestly don't do that, then kudos, you are one of the few people alive today with excellent manners.

 

2) Was your facebook a private message? If it wasn't, wrong move. Don't post public messages for other people to see unless you two have something serious going on. Otherwise that's just inviting drama.

 

Also, he was probably just trying to be funny, I don't think his intention was to hurt your feelings. Again, it is what it is. If you are keenly aware of other people's feelings, and you are always considerate, then you have the right to complain. I don't know you, so if you are really honestly a considerate person with great manners, again, kudos to you, you are one of the few.

 

3) Don't spend the evening cuddling and watching movies at your place or his, that's reserved for when you are far along with the dating that you're ready for sex. No it doesn't have to be, you're right. Why does cuddling at night at a private residence mean sex? It doesn't, but it's the gray area. It's to everyone's advantage to avoid gray areas, unless you are intentionally going into the gray area to play mind games. Which is fine if that's your approach, but if you're not a mind game player, it is to your extremely disadvantage to do things similar to mind games players. And you can complain that mind game players ruined a neutral activity for you. And you would be right, but this is how the world works, what can you do?

 

First few dates should be out and about. At a pub, at a coffee place, go bowling, movies at the theater, whatever. Sorry but miscommunication is so common, especially so early in dating, that you should try to keep things as clear as possible, unless of course, you know what you're doing and you are intentionally playing mind games.

 

Anyway, don't worry, dating is a number game, there will be others. Just keep doing what you do. Some will be better than this guy, some will be worse.

 

Good advice. I know it can be hard, but try not to take anyone too seriously until you've had at least 5 dates. Communication styles is a major part of compatibility.

 

In general you also have to remember that guys are inundated with advice telling them to be "jerky" towards women. It often works. Good for you that you don't tolerate second class behavior, but a lot of women do and in fact it draws them in even more. I agree with the others that the message was misinterpreted. If he didn't like you he wouldn't have even responded. He was trying to be flirty, albeit in a way that was not very tactful.

 

I always recommend college students date for fun and not put so much pressure on themselves to find a relationship. If it happens great, but it can distract from your studies.

[Oxy Moronovich]

I don't think his reply was harsh. It's possible he feels the same way and meant no ill-feeling whatsoever. It's also possible he didn't know you took it harshly. You could be overreacting.

[maysj18]

Thank you everyone. You all have made me feel better! I'm definitely a confident person and don't feel uncomfortable in the dating scene; however, I guess I do tend to take hits like these personally. He very well may have been joking, that's why I kept my response pretty sarcastic and subjective. Who knows?

 

He left when visitation hours in my dorm ended Monday night. He told me to text him, so the next morning I thanked him for coming over and he said "No problem! :)" then my phone went kaput. So, then today at work I saw him online and sent him a private Facebook message and that's when we had that little talk.

 

Honestly, I am just dating around for fun right now without any expectations. I completely understand that sometimes it's just not there, as it happens to me all the time. I have never just "ignored" someone though. I keep it friendly and if they try to make plans again, that's when I let them know how I feel. I treat people very well in general and even if a relationship goes nowhere, I at least want to remain friends because I obviously liked them enough to hang out in the first place. Walking around campus and seeing someone who I spent a lot of time and not being able to even say hi kind of sucks.

 

I also am well aware that not every guy is going out with me simply to get laid. I've never had a problem with a guy disrespecting my boundaries. I just can't help but wonder if that plays a role in why some of these relationships ended so rapidly. I feel that maybe guys see me as someone who would turn clingy or who is only out for something serious since I don't have sex or anything outside of a relationship.

[TheFinalWord]

I feel that maybe guys see me as someone who would turn clingy or who is only out for something serious since I don't have sex or anything outside of a relationship.

 

Nah, guys not just looking for easy sex won't see you like that. A guy similarly minded who is looking for a relationship will respect that you have boundaries. If it is easy for him he will assume it was for other guys too.

 

If they do think that though then that just means your values don't line up and you're better off. Nothing wrong with knowing what you want!

[musemaj11]

So I've been casually talking to a cute guy around campus, we hung out two nights ago and watched a movie. He was very affectionate, kissing me and cuddling me and it was fine. We joked and subtly made his way up my shirt and very gently pushed it away and he never tried again. Granted, sparks weren't flying or anything, but it was still fun. Anyways, my phone self-destructed on me that night pretty much so I was phonless all yesterday. Thinking he may have texted me since the night went fine, I sent him a funny message on Facebook saying "I've been phoneless for the last couple of days..hopefully it hasn't seemed like I was ignoring you." and he said "Well, that would mean I would have had to text you haha"

Well, what was he supposed to say then? Would you feel better if he instead said, "Well, I havent tried to contact you in the first place"?

 

You know its actually your fault for the words you chose to use. You basically set yourself up. If I were the guy receiving that message I would cringe and my 'needy girl radar' would go off because in that message it came across as if you were making an assumption that he had been trying to get in touch with you and you were expecting a certain response.

 

Rather than saying it the way you said it, you could have said something less sentimental and more casual along the line, "Hey what's up? My phone has been dead in the past couple of days. So what are you doing?"

[KathyM]

I think you're overreacting to what he said. What he said was a little bit on the callous side, and a little off-putting, since it implied lack of interest, but I wouldn't consider that a dealbreaker. He maybe just didn't feel the need to immediately contact you after the date, but would have later on. I wouldn't read too much into that, or take offense. I would suggest, as others have said, that you make your initial dates to someplace out of the house so there isn't this pressure to get intimate that such private quarters tend to encourage. Also, when the guy does show affection (kissing, hugging, holding your hand, your arm, putting his arm around you, that type of thing), I hope you are showing interest and enjoyment in that, and not giving the vibe of hesitancy that you are afraid something more might happen. If you're giving off a cold vibe or a rigid vibe, that can be off-putting to them. That doesn't mean you have to engage in too intimate touching right away, and I would certainly say you are wise to discourage that on the first few dates before you get to know the person. You should certainly show warmth and interest in your kissing him, but I would suggest that if a guy goes for the intimate touching too early on for you, rather than pushing his hand away, you slowly take a step back, look him in the eye, smile, and say "It's a bit too early for that right now", or "I'd like to get to know you a little better first", or something along those lines. I think that would come across as warmer and interested, but not ready to engage so early on, as opposed to a "don't touch me" mentality, which is what your pushing him away might have communicated. That's my suggestion, for what it's worth.

[thatone]

Thank you everyone. You all have made me feel better! I'm definitely a confident person and don't feel uncomfortable in the dating scene; however, I guess I do tend to take hits like these personally. He very well may have been joking, that's why I kept my response pretty sarcastic and subjective. Who knows?

 

He left when visitation hours in my dorm ended Monday night. He told me to text him, so the next morning I thanked him for coming over and he said "No problem! :)" then my phone went kaput. So, then today at work I saw him online and sent him a private Facebook message and that's when we had that little talk.

 

Honestly, I am just dating around for fun right now without any expectations. I completely understand that sometimes it's just not there, as it happens to me all the time. I have never just "ignored" someone though. I keep it friendly and if they try to make plans again, that's when I let them know how I feel. I treat people very well in general and even if a relationship goes nowhere, I at least want to remain friends because I obviously liked them enough to hang out in the first place. Walking around campus and seeing someone who I spent a lot of time and not being able to even say hi kind of sucks.

 

I also am well aware that not every guy is going out with me simply to get laid. I've never had a problem with a guy disrespecting my boundaries. I just can't help but wonder if that plays a role in why some of these relationships ended so rapidly. I feel that maybe guys see me as someone who would turn clingy or who is only out for something serious since I don't have sex or anything outside of a relationship.

 

but you're not, you're applying this relationship criteria to every man you meet.

 

just as you think they're obsessing about sex, you're obsessing about whether you come across as relationship material or not and whether they come across as relationship material or not.

 

so you're not really behaving any different than they are.

 

relax.

[jobaba]

Any decent guy won't stop chasing a girl because she won't put out. He'll just keep trying harder to win her over. We guys get obsessed (in a positive way) when the infatuation bug bites. We wake up thinking about the girl, spend all day thinking of her and go to bed thinking about her. When younger we may act a bit 'cool' but it's just putting up a front.

 

What this guy said certainly wasn't appropriate but hard to know if that was his intention. Young males are just not communication maestros. . He might be nuts about you but not have realized that he could have made your legs turn to jelly with a more affectionate remark when you were expecting it.

 

Could be this...

 

Could also be that he is a player. You'll know which kind of guy he is just by knowing him. You know...

 

The answer is pretty simple if you want guys to treat you nice, show you respect and allow something to develop ... go for nice guys.

 

I've recently been on a college campus the last couple of weeks and seen some of the kids your age walking around. OH MY GOD. There's so many young, awkward, inexperienced males walking around campus. Judging from your one photo, you're a pretty good looking girl. So many of those guys would die to go out with a girl like you and treat you nice. Like seriously, you'd have your pick of the litter.

 

Seems like from your posts you chase after the good looking d@uchebags though. Those guys have their pick of many good looking women, so you'd just be one of them. Eh, that's the way the ball rolls...

[Fondue]

What was he supposed to say? Honestly.

 

Would you have felt any less pissed if he simply said, "I wasn't texting you?"

 

As far as him wanting just to get laid, I think you may have almost set it up that way. You invited him to stay in your dorm and cuddle? Every time I went to "cuddle" with a girl in college and "watch a movie," it ended with my penis inside one of her orifices.

 

Just saying it like it is. Plain and simple.

 

He may have been under the impression that it was somewhat "expected."

 

On every college campus I ever been to, there was always a theater-type night, with a movie playing in a big hall of some kind, for like 2bucks. Maybe you could offer to do that instead? It would imply a lot less.

 

Good luck .

[carhill]

On every college campus I ever been to, there was always a theater-type night, with a movie playing in a big hall of some kind, for like 2bucks. Maybe you could offer to do that instead? It would imply a lot less.

 

OP, in re-evaluating how you come across to guys, I think this is great advice, especially for first or early dates. No ambiguity.

 

He was in your private space alone, presumably at your invitation, and acted in a sexual manner which you politely refused and he respected that refusal. That was a rejection, BTW. He'll process that to whatever level he chooses to, evidently currently to a level of neutrality. That's OK. His interest level wasn't/isn't currently high enough to push through the rejection to a positive perspective, like playing along and asking you out again.

 

Most healthy men do not wish to be friends with women they are sexually attracted to. I understand the value of being friends but sometimes it's not possible. IME, and it was a great life lesson I learned from women, when a healthy woman is attracted to a man and he doesn't feel similarly, she disappears and never hangs around that man as a 'friend' for as long as she harbors such feelings. That's smart, IMO.

 

Take the lessons and try some more. It'll work out.

[maysj18]

I assumed he would have tried to initiate conversation because he had every day up until that point. If it were me and I hadn't sent him anything and he said that, I would have just said something like "Nah, it's all good!" It's not misleading and also not a slap in the face.

 

This encounter was his idea, by the way.

 

I do agree about the intimacy issue. I just get nervous suggesting something that seems like a 1-on-1 "date", because I feel that it sends the signal that I'm only open to having a serious relationship with you and nothing else. Does that make any sense? I mean, I do essentially want a relationship, BUT I don't want to put that kind of pressure on the situation from the beginning. I guess I should start trying that though, because what I'm doing now certainly isn't working..probably because I'm in a different boat than most girls my age. Most of my friends actually got their boyfriends by putting out, being strung along, and then finally the guy giving in and admitting he liked her. Definitely dysfunctional, but hey that's college.

Edited February 9, 2012 by maysj18

[dispatch3d]

Can we go back to that message. You lost me. You posted on his wall something to the effect of "Hey sorry my phone died, I hope you didn't think I was ignoring you." and he responded something like "I would have had to text you haha" as a joke. What was the ideal response you were looking for here? Don't worry about it? Maybe we'll meet up another time? I'm just lost on how that was "rejection". You feel like he's just making fun of you?

[musemaj11]

I assumed he would have tried to initiate conversation because he had every day up until that point. If it were me and I hadn't sent him anything and he said that, I would have just said something like "Nah, it's all good!" It's not misleading and also not a slap in the face.

Guys arent the most thoughtful when it comes to communicating. Havent you received the memo?

 

As I said, you set yourself up with your sentimental question. But on the other hand his response wasn't perfect either, although at least he wasn't lying and be honest that he hadn't tried to contact you.