People you're attracted to VS People you attract....

[Emilia]

I attract different types of men but I am also very lucky because among them is the kind I really like: outgoing, social, athletic men. I like naturally bright ones with a good sense of humour but I don't really mind if they are not well read for example.

 

I used to be attracted to different kinds but worked out that those that wear their heart on their sleeve are the best for me because I struggle to communicate with the introverted ones. I'd rather be slightly intimidated by someone than not be able to work out what he is about. I can be also a bit of a bull in a china shop when it comes to more sensitive guys so those with confidence and strong social skills will fare better.

 

Looks are important to me yes, I like strong men but their personality matters just as much. I like them healthy and expressive and I'm lucky because some of them seem to like me as well

[coffee.girl]

Thanks for starting this topic, ThaWholigan, it's always interesting to read your thoughts on things.

 

I don't know... it feels like forever since I have attracted anyone!

 

But those I have attracted have mostly been emotionally insecure, needy men who need a lot of reassurance, emotional support (beyond what I consider fair and healthy) and expect me to constantly take the lead in the relationship.

 

In some ways this my mimics my early relationships with my family... my parents are not very functional people.

 

Meanwhile I find myself attracted to confident, goal-oriented, intelligent (not necessarily highly educated-- some of the most thoughtful people I know are not formally educated), driven people. I want to be in a mutually supportive relationship... probably something that was missing from my homelife, haha! Charisma is a big plus but I guess that doesn't really count as I'm sure most people are attracted to charismatic people. I won't mention a physical type because the other attributes tend to override this, for me at least.

 

I'm a big believer in 'like attracts like' so I am trying to cultivate these qualities in myself.... though sometimes, given my current lack of dates, it feels like I'm doin' it wrong.

[PlumPrincess]

That makes a lot of sense.

 

Also, a friend has pointed out to me before, and I agree with her, that we also have a tendency to adjust "our type" to the last person we had feelings for. For instance, if the last girl you liked was blonde-haired and blue eyed and crazy about theater and acting, you'll start talking like you want an artsy girl who appreciates self-expression and who has that blonde, innocent look. Then you fall into it with a business major girl who plays guitar, but it doesn't work out even though you liked her a lot, you start talking about how you want a girl who's practical but has an artsy side. This may not be true all of the time, but I do see it happening in myself...and others.

I totally agree with your observation!

[ThaWholigan]

Physically there is a difference for me. I seem to be most attracted to white or hispanic dark haired men with glasses and facial hair. I seem to attract black men. They are very consistently the only ones that hit on me in real life and I have no idea why.

 

Big booty perhaps?? White girls with the "black girl" shape are like catnip to black dudes.......

 

I kid...(really though? )

 

I tend to attract a lot of white women too.

 

 

I tend to attract one of two types: (1) emotionally weak, insecure, needy men; and (2) emotionally manipulative, selfish sociopaths.

 

I am attracted to neither type, but rather gregarious, emotionally stable, open, witty, successful, confident, athletic men.

 

I think like 99% of women want that guy .

 

I attract different types of men but I am also very lucky because among them is the kind I really like: outgoing, social, athletic men. I like naturally bright ones with a good sense of humour but I don't really mind if they are not well read for example.

 

I used to be attracted to different kinds but worked out that those that wear their heart on their sleeve are the best for me because I struggle to communicate with the introverted ones. I'd rather be slightly intimidated by someone than not be able to work out what he is about. I can be also a bit of a bull in a china shop when it comes to more sensitive guys so those with confidence and strong social skills will fare better.

 

Looks are important to me yes, I like strong men but their personality matters just as much. I like them healthy and expressive and I'm lucky because some of them seem to like me as well

 

I've met women who go for the introverted thing and reckon I'm too extroverted for them which is funny . Sensitivity was a problem when I was very young, but I got very good at emotional control. I've met and indeed fallen for a "bull in a china shop" girl before, and my lack was certainly the cause of my inability to get her.

 

 

Thanks for starting this topic, ThaWholigan, it's always interesting to read your thoughts on things.

 

I don't know... it feels like forever since I have attracted anyone!

 

But those I have attracted have mostly been emotionally insecure, needy men who need a lot of reassurance, emotional support (beyond what I consider fair and healthy) and expect me to constantly take the lead in the relationship.

 

In some ways this my mimics my early relationships with my family... my parents are not very functional people.

 

Meanwhile I find myself attracted to confident, goal-oriented, intelligent (not necessarily highly educated-- some of the most thoughtful people I know are not formally educated), driven people. I want to be in a mutually supportive relationship... probably something that was missing from my homelife, haha! Charisma is a big plus but I guess that doesn't really count as I'm sure most people are attracted to charismatic people. I won't mention a physical type because the other attributes tend to override this, for me at least.

 

I'm a big believer in 'like attracts like' so I am trying to cultivate these qualities in myself.... though sometimes, given my current lack of dates, it feels like I'm doin' it wrong.

 

Thank you kindly

 

I hear you, I think that like certainly attracts like in a lot of cases, and also I feel that when you are ready you attract the one who compliments you in many ways. Charisma is simply the ability to make people feel good IMO, something that many people can cultivate naturally.

 

You brought up an interesting point though, the parents perhaps having an impact on your future relationships and the kind of people you attract. I think my mother's influence has definitely shaped my view on women and my ability to be able to talk to them on a certain level once I am comfortable, perhaps why I am attracted to intelligent and inquisitive women who are vastly different to their peers.

 

I think I attract what I'm attracted to, but also plenty that I'm not attracted to. I think I'd be very depressed if "my type" was never attracted to me.

 

I think I do want a sort of male version of myself. (sounds creepy, I know, but to an extent, I do). I want someone without about my same intelligence level (or greater), same basic socioeconomic background, someone who would hang around the same type of people I do, etc.)

 

Not creepy really, although I hesitate to think what a female version of me would be like . I think a lot of people don't really attract the ones they like and they do bemoan this at their lowest. I generally think it's how they are projecting their emotional instability, it is usually subtle, but I find that when one subconsciously is comfortable and has an idea of what they want in a partner (excluding looks), they tend to attract those people much easier than others.

 

I mean, I know what I want looks wise, but I don't have a clear understanding of the kind of woman who would make me happy yet, I think trial and error is required for me. I am aware of myself enough to know that I am not quite in touch with my emotional life as I would like to be, in order to attain that truly peaceful acceptance of what is to come. Probably why I have yet to even try to seek out any dates in recent weeks, just sharpening my skills.

[lilyblue]

Big booty perhaps?? White girls with the "black girl" shape are like catnip to black dudes.......

 

I kid...(really though? )

 

I tend to attract a lot of white women too.

 

Haha, I'm not sure. I guess it could be a possibility though. I'm definitely not a stick.

[phineas]

I feel like one's sense of attraction is a lot like golf. You always feel that your new best score is suddenly your new "average." What one finds attractive will fluctuate throughout her lifetime, and I believe that it's strongly correlated to the attractiveness of the men she attracts. The most attractive guy that a girl attracts almost always becomes the new "standard" of attractiveness, and anything worse is simply unacceptable. It is much like a golfer who shoots a career low score, expects to shoot that well every time, and gets angry when he doesn't.

 

So if a person doesn't get much attention early in her life, then her standards never get very high, and she has a much wider range that she may find attractive. However, just one single hot guy could ruin that for her. She'll think, "if that guy wanted me, then I should expect that men of that same level of attractiveness should want me, and I will accept nothing less." So she'll complain that she isn't attracted to anyone who is attracted to her. But the truth is nothing but her own perceptions changed...it has always been the same guys...it's just that her bar continues to rise to the level of the hottest she's had... Now as time goes on and she realizes that those she's attracted to aren't so into her and is tired of complaining, her standards will go down to compensate.

 

It makes sense. And it's the same for guys.

 

I agree with this 100% I'm experiencing it now. I seem to meet a lot of Women that had an incredibly hot boyfriend before me that basically used them for sex & moved on.

 

I could tell I was just a place holder by the comments they made about how good looking they thought other guys were or how good looking their ex was. Really?

 

Obviously they couldn't of been that into me if their doing that before we've even kissed. If I was someone they really wanted, they would keep that stuff to themselves for fear of me bailing.

 

What's funny is as i've gotten into shape these women have gained weight and started sniffing around.

 

Well, personally, I didn't bust my ass the last yr to get aesthetic so I could date the hot chick that blew me off & is now 40 or almost 40 and has let herself go.

[somedude81]

Not creepy really, although I hesitate to think what a female version of me would be like .

Funny that you mention it.

 

I've been obsessed for two years about a girl who is as close to the female version of me that I can get. Our personality, sense of humor, hobbies and interests are very similar. Hell I think we even kinda look alike, but I'm the pretty one.

 

You ever see the picture of us together? I'll send you a PM if you haven't.

 

Sadly, she never wanted to date me or anybody and we were just friends till she banished me in November. I've been very depressed ever since.

[AD1980]

I feel like one's sense of attraction is a lot like golf. You always feel that your new best score is suddenly your new "average." What one finds attractive will fluctuate throughout her lifetime, and I believe that it's strongly correlated to the attractiveness of the men she attracts. The most attractive guy that a girl attracts almost always becomes the new "standard" of attractiveness, and anything worse is simply unacceptable. It is much like a golfer who shoots a career low score, expects to shoot that well every time, and gets angry when he doesn't.

 

So if a person doesn't get much attention early in her life, then her standards never get very high, and she has a much wider range that she may find attractive. However, just one single hot guy could ruin that for her. She'll think, "if that guy wanted me, then I should expect that men of that same level of attractiveness should want me, and I will accept nothing less." So she'll complain that she isn't attracted to anyone who is attracted to her. But the truth is nothing but her own perceptions changed...it has always been the same guys...it's just that her bar continues to rise to the level of the hottest she's had... Now as time goes on and she realizes that those she's attracted to aren't so into her and is tired of complaining, her standards will go down to compensate.

 

It makes sense. And it's the same for guys.

 

Which sucks for men because women can get men out of their league muchheasier then vice and versa even if its just a pump and dump it can inflate the average looking womens ego into thinking she could do better then the average men who may be in her league

 

As a Man you almost have to aim lower in the looks department

[jobaba]

I feel like one's sense of attraction is a lot like golf. You always feel that your new best score is suddenly your new "average." What one finds attractive will fluctuate throughout her lifetime, and I believe that it's strongly correlated to the attractiveness of the men she attracts. The most attractive guy that a girl attracts almost always becomes the new "standard" of attractiveness, and anything worse is simply unacceptable. It is much like a golfer who shoots a career low score, expects to shoot that well every time, and gets angry when he doesn't.

 

So if a person doesn't get much attention early in her life, then her standards never get very high, and she has a much wider range that she may find attractive. However, just one single hot guy could ruin that for her. She'll think, "if that guy wanted me, then I should expect that men of that same level of attractiveness should want me, and I will accept nothing less." So she'll complain that she isn't attracted to anyone who is attracted to her. But the truth is nothing but her own perceptions changed...it has always been the same guys...it's just that her bar continues to rise to the level of the hottest she's had... Now as time goes on and she realizes that those she's attracted to aren't so into her and is tired of complaining, her standards will go down to compensate.

 

It makes sense. And it's the same for guys.

 

Yep. The get the best you can get idea.

 

Spot on.

 

Is there ANYBODY who doesn't play the game like this?

[AD1980]

Yep. The get the best you can get idea.

 

Spot on.

 

Is there ANYBODY who doesn't play the game like this?

 

Maybe its because i have zero options and im like starvign dog who would take anything im semi attracted to but i cant afford to play that type of game

 

Evne if i could i dont think i would, i couldnt see myself hitting it off with a women being attracted to her and thinking you know what shes cute but shes a 6 i once had a 7 and i wont settle for less..

[Dafa]

Greetings.

 

I must say that is a very interesting e-conversation, hence i can't help but to intrude. So many good points of view!

 

 

You brought up an interesting point though, the parents perhaps having an impact on your future relationships and the kind of people you attract. I think my mother's influence has definitely shaped my view on women and my ability to be able to talk to them on a certain level once I am comfortable, perhaps why I am attracted to intelligent and inquisitive women who are vastly different to their peers.

 

 

I also find this point quite interesting. As a matter of fact, what exactly do you think is that impact you mentioned? Not trying to be freudian here (god forbid), but do you think that that impact is in the line of finding someone that looks like our mother, or the exact opposite? I would same this rationale applies to women aswell (daddy issues and what not).

[Dafa]

Yep. The get the best you can get idea.

 

Spot on.

 

Is there ANYBODY who doesn't play the game like this?

 

Isn't the opposite what is "normal" (dangerous word, i know)? Meaning, isn't there a time in (most) everyone's life when they have to truly (or truely, not sure how it is written) convince themselves that they won't find someone better? I'm talking in terms of looks...

[Dafa]

 

You don't have anything exceptional about you because maybe you haven't actually tried to look into yourself and find something exceptional about you? Or even attempted to learn something exceptional, or something that YOU thought was exceptional. Poor self-esteem due to your failures with women are understandable, but it is up to you to find ways to build up your self-esteem. I can't help you too much there, I can only give you tips. You can lead a horse to a trough but cannot make it drink the water.

 

Yes I do. I know because I have done it. And I'm still doing it. It's an ongoing process that won't stop until I die. I am a scholar by nature, I will always be learning about things, including myself. And learning how to get by happily and be secure in myself and my abilities and strengths is something that you have to build up on your own. And I will always be doing so, because I never want to allow myself to feel like I am worthless, because deep down, my true self knows that I am not.

 

Building self-esteem can be somewhat preverse, in the sense that you can either take two paths:

1) you simply convince yourself that you are "da bomb", i.e., in a very simplistic way, fake it until you make it. While i can't make it work, in my view, quite a few people can.

2) You make a very introspective analysis of yourself, find your weak and strong spots and build your self-image from there.

 

The (possible) problem with the 2nd approach is that sometimes you can end up concluding that you don't have anything that exceptional, or that even though you have it, it is not something that is "capitalizable" when it comes to social interactions in general, and men/women interactions in particular. By definition of the word "exceptional", not many people will have that quality, right?

 

I hope i don't get missunderstood here. Sometimes i feel that i'm being clear and then end concluding i wasn't.