What the Hell is going on?!

[JJJJKKKKJJJJ]

Hello all, I guess I'm here looking for some advice and how to proceed in my current situation with my ex., but first, a little history! My ex and I were a couple for over a year and we both broke it off in May of last year. We grew very comfortable with one another, a little too comfortable, and did not appreciate one another. We would argue constantly, and I was very busy with school (I'm in law school, so it does eat up a lot of time.) Nevertheless, we were the typical bestfriends while we dated and had a very strong connection (like everyone else has with their exes. lol) Anyway, the break was very emotional on both of us, and we decided to go No Contact. On occasion we would break No Contact just to check-up on another, but we kept it very mature and mutually comfortable.

 

Soon after No Contact, we both began dating again, we both entered a relationship with other people and I was genuinely happy and content with mine. After a month of No Contact, my ex would break NC every one in a while to tell me how much he misses me, how much of a mistake it was to break up and that he still loves and misses me. I ignored these messages, as it was not fair to my current boyfriend (or my ex's significant other at-the-time).

 

My relationship ended recently, and as did my ex's. We restablished contact, but there is some distance between him and I (about 60 miles). We have hung out a couple of times, both times being fun and exciting, and we did sleep with one another. We agreed to keep things very simple with one another, casual and light, and see what develops. We both agreed that seeing other people shouldn't stop and we should live our lives out.

 

Needless-to-say, I got a little too clingy, too fast. I would bring unwanted stress to our friendship, with always pushing the conversation more serious about our future and if we would get back together. He would get just as jealous over facebook remarks, as I was dating other people. We both talked and said we are not ready to re-commit to anything at this time. We talked on a daily basis, he would call and text me, and vice-versa. My ex stated to me that we wanted to keep things between us light and airy, not stressful and awkward. I did not respect that.

In the mean time, he met someone about a week ago and has entered into a relationship with this person. It moved very fast. I was caught off guard by this, and very hurt in the process, but I congratulated him anyway and stayed in contact. This happened about a week ago. I unfriended him on facebook, as I did not want to see his feed anylonger, but remained calm and respectful that he is now spoken for. But what I find odd about this is that he continually contacts me. In fact, during the writing of this post, he called me just to talk. I do answer his calls and do respond to his text messages, but only when he initiates contact with me. I'm kind of thrown off by this. I know my ex still loves me, and I still have very strong feelings for him. I told him this and he told me he wants to remain in my life and all that he can offer me right now is friendship. I told that I will remain friends with him always, but not the kind of friend that is in your life everyday. I cannot handle that.

 

Regardless, when he calls me we talk for hours and it's always a good talk. We laugh about the past and our senses of humor clique very well. He said today that he wished to be my trophy husband (jokingly) because he always wanted to marry a lawyer, but I told him he'd have to work because my empire I build will be mine alone (that's the kind of jokes we make). He also makes fun of the people he's dating because he calls me a shark and they would never hold a flame to me. I'm not angry that he moved on with this other person, I wish him well and hope he is happy. Although it was very sudden, we did talk about it a little and he says he really likes this person and is taking it day-by-day and just rolling with his. He said that I always put too much pressure on him, and I'm not the person you date and just throw away. He said it makes him want to cry when I bring up the possibility because I'm an all or nothing person and it scared him away from me. But sadly, I do want him back and now I'm afraid I lost all chances.

 

He said he does want to remain close friends, and wants to take me to dinner in the future. He also said the person he is dating is very jealous of me, but my ex already told her I will never be out of his life. He also texted me earlier saying the he is coming down near my area to look at a car he wants to buy and wants to hang out for a while.

 

What do I do? Is there still a chance to regain a relationship with my ex? Or am I just being a little illogical about the whole situtation and slightly delusional?

Edited February 8, 2012 by Osiris866

[Philosoraptor]

It seems that you are skimming over the reasons that the relationship ended and have got yourself caught in that tunnel vision of the good of the past relationship. What were these arguments about? What was the underlying cause of the issues that you had? What have each of you done to be able to say that these issues will not resurface?

 

It doesn't seem like either of you have let go of the past and allowed yourselves to heal. Without this healing it doesn't (based on what you have shared) seem like you've been able to truly analyze the issues from the past from a neutral position. This post says very little of how you have healed or how things would be able to work in the future, but says that you're both still very affected by one another and has a combination of diminishing the past issues and glorifying the past relationship.

 

Please answer the questions above and elaborate on what you've done since the breakup to reach a point of being fully healed, and how you can limit the issues of the past from resurfacing. As right now this reads of someone very emotionally frazzled at the moment. Take a step back, breathe, and try to examine your situation from a outside view.

[JJJJKKKKJJJJ]

Thank you for your guidence. After some self reflection on your questions, I have come to the conclusion that at the time of our seperation we simply did not appreciate one another. There was no more excitement in our relationship, and we grew into friends.

 

Since the break-up, I have worked on myself as being less co-dependent, having more activites in my life, concentrating on school and my health (both physically and mentally) and I grew to miss my ex very much.

 

I did not grow to miss the security our relationship offered, or the comfortability we had...I miss him. As in him, our friendship and the bond we shared with one another. I have done some soul searching, dated other guys, and I have come the realization of my worth and regained much of my pride. I have lost a lot of weight (which was making me very depressed at the time) and have gained a new selfrespect for myself physically.

 

My ex has matured and realized that a relationship shouldn't be full of "drama", stress and tension. He has worked on himself physically and has had time to grow and miss me. We are both in our late 20's and are in no rush to re-commit to one another, because we are aware of the pain we could cause eachother if we decided to break again. He told me that he wants to make sure he is 100% ready to come back and be back for good, and doesn't want to cause any more pain if, down the line, we do not work out again.

 

I want him back. Not now, but in the future. I love him and I miss him terribly. It took me a while to fully understand the phrase "you don't know what you have until you lose it."