kkay Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Hi all, So, for some reason I called him this morning on my way to work. Every morning for the last 5 months I have drove by his place of employment to get to my job and have NEVER felt the urge I felt this morning. I have no clue what came over me or why I did it but for some reason, I called him. When I called I was hoping he would be on prep but I also was kind of hoping to get his voice mail so we could talk this evening or tomorrow. Anyway, I left an open voice mail but at the end I said the stupidest thing ever - "I have something I want to talk to you about". Now, I don't know if that was subconscious and an attempt to get him to call me back or what because I do not have anything specific I want to talk to him about. Yes, there are things going on in my life but I do not have anything pressing or dire that needs to be discussed. Hell, I have went 5 months without having a deep conversation with him other than when he broke down at my (our once shared) apartment. So if he calls me back I do not know what to say, that I just was overcome with the urge to call him and that before I even realized what I was saying I said that I had something I need to talk to him about?! I want to be honest with him and obviously hope to reconcile and start things fresh sooner rather than later so I'm thinking that's the route I'm going to take... I mean, our issue was that we both had difficulty opening up so maybe me owning up to my actions will be beneficial for us both.
Philosoraptor Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 If you feel that you have done enough work on yourself to have put a stop to the negatives you provided to the previous relationship then a second chance could work. Whether or not he calls or things work out, continue the work you have done on yourself in the time apart.
flitzanu Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 guy's perspective: if you dumped me, and 5 months later call to say "we need to talk" i'd be at least curious as to why you called, but i'd take that as being VERY manipulative. if i dumped you, and 5 months later you call saying that, i'd just be annoyed and think you're an idiot and probably not bother contacting you. i'd say 5% chance i'd return contact. while i understand the "urge" you're just using it as an excuse for why you couldn't handle not talking to him, and now you're going to be looking for a reason to maintain contact. you just hit the "reset" button on your healing.
geegirl Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 while i understand the "urge" you're just using it as an excuse for why you couldn't handle not talking to him, and now you're going to be looking for a reason to maintain contact. you just hit the "reset" button on your healing. ***This***
Author kkay Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 I don't want to come across as ungrateful for your thoughts but this is the second chance forum. I'm looking for guidance regarding reconciliation not coping and "healing". I just get the feeling that sometimes we all forget that there are forum titles for a reason. All of us are here for various purposes and I understand that people need to grow and mature when a relationship fails but not everyone is bitter and resentful towards their ex. I hope you don't think I'm being snide because that's not my intention in posting this comment.
wilsonx Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 (edited) I don't want to come across as ungrateful for your thoughts but this is the second chance forum. I'm looking for guidance regarding reconciliation not coping and "healing". I just get the feeling that sometimes we all forget that there are forum titles for a reason. All of us are here for various purposes and I understand that people need to grow and mature when a relationship fails but not everyone is bitter and resentful towards their ex. I hope you don't think I'm being snide because that's not my intention in posting this comment. *** THIS *** You realized the problems to your relationship in your first post and I fully agree with them. You need to make him aware of this too. He might be bitter and resentful just as the rest of the black and white thinkers of this forum so you might not stand a chance. In my opinion, its ok to chase a little bit but understand his hurt too and that it may be a while for him to understand and let go of his bitterness. It took me about 6-7 months to let go of mine. In time more things will start making sense to you and your desire to chase will grow stronger. Just the other night, I got a text from my ex about a silly issue from last year after being broken up for 8 months. I know from my own personal experience that her desire to chase is going to grow stronger then that like yours is too. Its ok and perfectly natural Edited February 10, 2012 by wilsonx
Author kkay Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 Hey Wilson, Thanks for the thoughts and I completely agree with your comment about the urge growing stronger. You know, I have always had the "urge" to speak with him but as the time since the b/u grows I find my reasons and the "urge" changing. At first I would reach out and try to talk to him and find stupid excuses to do so (the apartment, the furniture, his feelings, why he did this, blah blah blah) but the other day, that was not the urge behind the phone call. I can't really explain it. Obviously I miss him and love him but this was just, different. I have had friends say that things would just click inside me and that I would no longer feel hurt and scrambling to get him back and it's true. My thought process has changed, my reasoning has changed... I've grown, matured and I guess, to use the term everyone loves to say on LS, "healed" myself (which is different for everyone). I know I am not the same person I was 5 months ago and that I have truly came to understand who I am as a person and I genuinely can finally say I love myself. It sounds corny but this shift in my heart and brain has opened up a whole new side of me and my desire for reconciliation. I no longer feel that it has to happen NOW but I do want some guidance regarding how to handle it in the best manner possible while still being honest and true to myself. Anyway, I really appreciate your response
Dark Phoenix Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I know you dont want him back now and its good that you have the self awareness to admit all this. When the time is right, you will know what to do and it will just happen. Just continue to be honest with yourself and that's all that matters. Good Luck!
flitzanu Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I don't want to come across as ungrateful for your thoughts but this is the second chance forum. I'm looking for guidance regarding reconciliation not coping and "healing". I just get the feeling that sometimes we all forget that there are forum titles for a reason. All of us are here for various purposes and I understand that people need to grow and mature when a relationship fails but not everyone is bitter and resentful towards their ex. I hope you don't think I'm being snide because that's not my intention in posting this comment. understood, and point well made, but right now you aren't having a "second chance". this is still just you being hurt and chasing an ex you lost. if both of you were speaking on the topic of resolution (yourself and the ex), that would warrant more of a "second chance" response. but, that's just my opinion. everyone can tell you all day to call, chase him, pursue, play hard to get, whatever method, but if your ex doesn't care...it's the same situation as a jilted ex trying to chase their dumper, right?
Author kkay Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Touche Flitzanu, Touche. Obviously you have a very, VERY valid point. There has been little to no comments from him regarding reconciliation and you are right, it is me doing all of the heavy lifting. I like to think that most will understand what I am about to say but I am aware that we all have different personalities and some people are able to just say F it, be done and move on. I am not that person. I have been in a long-term relationship before this one and it was basically the same length of time, 4 years. This break up is different for me in so many ways. Not only has the time apart from each other made me learn and reflect on so many levels it has made me love and appreciate him so much more. I know... that sounds pretty crazy but he is at a very low point right now and all I want to do is help get him out of it. We met up for lunch on Sunday afternoon to discuss my abrupt and irrational calling over the week as well as my mom's recent cancer diagnosis. I would like to be able to blame all of my recent craziness on my moms illness but that would not be fair as I do not believe it is the full, root cause. Basically, I apologized and acknowledge my behaviour as being selfish and rooted in my desire to talk to him. I thought he was going to fall out of the booth. During our relationship I was never able to admit when I was wrong and definitely had a near impossible time apologizing for anything. My ability to sincerely apologize floored him and left him speechless for a good while. Now, I am also fully aware that I have been the only one to address my issues, attend counseling and really attempt to heal myself and us. From what I know, he has done very little other than make rash, life changing decisions and party/drink his nards off. Anyway, the lunch was pretty low key but he did say something that caused alarm bells to go off in my head. For any of you that have read my previous posts he has recently bought a house with his brother and in our four years together had always wanted to purchase property. When I asked him about why he seemed so down he simply said, "I have nothing to look forward to. There is nothing exciting in my life". With that said I just about crumbled. Now, I know it is not my place to try and comfort him and make him see the massive error of his ways but his actions and mannerisms over lunch make it seem like he is depressed and severely unhappy. I just don't know what to do. Do I hang back, let him soak it in and realize he really did leave an amazing girl and relationship or do I announce my concerns and suggest he speaks with a counselor? I know option 2 could really open a can of worms but this is regarding his mental health and my main concern is his health and well-being. Now, Im fully aware that this is not my battle to fight but someone must understand what it is like to have your heart broken and not have your love waver. Like I said, I can't explain my feelings. I can't explain them to myself so I definitely can't type it out and explain them to you but I still love this man after all he has put me through. I know, deep down, that he is still the man I have known for 5 years and is still the man that I fell in love with. In all reality, I think it is some twenty something crisis/depression and am just so confused. When he looks into my eyes I know he still feels it too its just that there is some internal sadness that is repressing something... Anyway, Im not sure whether anyone can even offer guidance or advice but god, that felt good to get off my chest.
wilsonx Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Ok... You and I are in the same exact place... Here's what you do! Absolutely nothing. You go NIC (not initiate contact) and you focus on your own life. You are in a very good spot right now as am I. We are on the same page, but he NEEDS TO BURNOUT on his own and realize all these things that you have done on your own. If you help him, he will not burn out. He needs this emotional stress to finish him off so let him get there on his own and in doing so, he will learn the same exact things that you and I have learned. My ex shot me a text last week asking me about a tax form. I responded to her and she back on her GIGS/burnout way. She never did anything with it, it was just a string. Hes going to do the same thing to you, when it happens just respond but dont take it as a sign of getting back together
Author kkay Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Hi Wilson, I do not disagree with you that he needs to burnout and potentially hit bottom. Your ex is now reaching out to you? How did that end up happening?! Completely out of the blue? I have read some of your previous threads and I get the feeling you aren't interested in reconciliation... right? I guess I just have a hard time letting him fall. I put him on a high moral pedestal while we were together and he has fallen so far. It's tough to see this happen to someone you love so much. So, question for you... As a guy, if you were in a similar position (ie the dumper) would you want/need the space and to hit the bottom...? It's just so strange to see how vulnerable he was with me. As you know the advice is never let the ex see you miserable. Well cripes, he showed me miserable and in all honesty, I'm not. I miss him like H*** but I'm not falling apart. I've lost like 30lbs (I was not fat or anything before but I have just started running and training for a half marathon) and have really picked up my life and independence. I look better than I have in years and mentally, I'm the best I have ever been. Not that I will change anything but would all of this be intimidating to an ex or would it be a wake up call/motivating factor...?
flitzanu Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 that's a loaded question, sadly. if i WANT you to be there while i crash and burn, then i'll wish it. if YOU want to be there while i crash and burn, i'll resent you and push you. i'm probably not typical, but just saying, me personally? if i was WITH you and you wanted to help me, then i'd respect it and that's awesome. if you come at me as an ex that i dumped (he dumped you i think? i'm sorry i missed that) then i'm going to be very resentful and annoyed with you trying to convince me i need to be fixed. is that making sense?
Recommended Posts