nofool4u Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Thank you for your post but all I've primarily been made to feel like I'm a harlot and that choice to not disclose my A is wrong but ppl here dont get that I feel remorse I'm trying to fix things. Trying to fix things with a lie? There isn't only ONE solution Then do what you want and quit looking for validation on that which you have it set in your mind you want to do.
donnamaybe Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 You know many people think like that right? It's like telling a mother to lower her expectations that all her children will survive into old age so that if one of them dies, it hurts less. Yeah, eternal optimism can eventually hurt a person, but think of a life living in constant expectation that you will be hurt and then it rarely happens! What a wasted life, IMO.
drifter777 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Marriage and cheating is symptomatic of the way today's society is put together. In a world that's ever-changing - not just with technology, but with ethics and rules, doesn't it seem a little strange that we get married and make a vow that we will remain with that person for the rest of our natural lives? Of course, many people allow themselves to be brainwashed by the media and by social convention (typically young people, but older people can fall into this trap too), and have some kind of vision of a perfect relationship where two people communicate and never cheat or lie to each other. Because 'honesty' is the most important thing in a relationship. I agree that honesty is important, but in my experience those who demand complete truth and honesty from their spouses tend to have very explosive reactions when they hear something they don't agree with. After a while you stop communicating because it fails to achieve anything, except anger and tears. If you've been cheated on, it's a bummer, but it's not the end of the world. Your spouse has enjoyed sexual relations with someone other than yourself, and they tried to cover it up because they knew you would overreact and make a mountain out of a molehill. Is it that big a problem? Once we stop reacting like drama-queens about cheating and look at any particular situation analytically, there are ways of fixing a marriage without jumping to character assassinations and condemnations. Marriage, as an institution, has to become flexible and adapt with the times - who knows? Maybe in a generation or two, it will be completely normal to have a husband/wife AND a lover or two. Do you really expect posters on this website, people hurting from infidelity and trying to find a way to heal, are going to agree with these views and statements? You are simply throwing gasoline on a house fire and watching the poor residents try to scramble for safety. Are you getting off on this somehow? Certainly, there are many, many people who agree with you and conduct their lives and relationships with these opinions and values. I'm sure many of them are happy and satisfied. This is simply not the case for the majority of posters on this site and are offended by someone who doesn't get their pain and pretty much just says "get over it already". Us BS's have heard things like this from our cheating spouses and are deeply offended by these idiotic suggestions. Please understand the context of this particular sub-section of LS and view the replies from within that context.
123321 Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Do you really expect posters on this website, people hurting from infidelity and trying to find a way to heal, are going to agree with these views and statements? Most of them have an emotional need for the failed marriage to be the othe persons fault, and the merest hint that that might not be true and life might not be so simple is extremely upsetting to them. On te other hand if they ever have aspirations of being marriage material again it's a good idea to understand the root causes of previous failures.
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 This is simply not the case for the majority of posters on this site and are offended by someone who doesn't get their pain . Just like BS's are offended when someone (WS's) doesn't get their pain WS's are offended when they/we come here for some answers, guidance & perhaps insite from someone that's "Been There" ...... only to be bashed & taunted as if WE were the ones that wronged YOU. MarcPatrick - I get where you're coming from on your posts & agree with much of what you've added here. It's the way the world is going. Doesn't make it right or wrong...It just is what it is. As with EVERYTHING in this world - Everyone will not agree with Everything. It's what makes us all different
Owl Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 As with EVERYTHING in this world - Everyone will not agree with Everything. It's what makes us all different I agree!!! :) 1
123321 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 The state of my marriage 50% my fault but still didn't justify cheating... Discovering the root cause is not the same as justification. To fix a problem, the root cause has to be found, that's not the same as excusing the issue.
donnamaybe Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 One can choose to deal with a bad M proactively or like a sniveling sneaky coward. What is the root cause of someone being a sniveling, sneaky coward instead of a proactive problem solver? 2
123321 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 One can choose to deal with a bad M proactively or like a sniveling sneaky coward. What is the root cause of someone being a sniveling, sneaky coward instead of a proactive problem solver? Several, I suspect the current state of divorce law is high on the list. I was fortunate to not have kids, but a no fault divorce still cost me almost half a million American dollars. Some people would find that sort of money motivating.
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 5, 2012 Author Posted April 5, 2012 One can choose to deal with a bad M proactively or like a sniveling sneaky coward. What is the root cause of someone being a sniveling, sneaky coward instead of a proactive problem solver? Some people (such as myself) just saw the affair as an ANSWER. A temporary fix to a much bigger problem. There are probably as many WAYS to handle problems in life as there are PROBLEMS - Some choose one way to 'cope' others choose other ways.
findingnemo Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Some people (such as myself) just saw the affair as an ANSWER. A temporary fix to a much bigger problem. There are probably as many WAYS to handle problems in life as there are PROBLEMS - Some choose one way to 'cope' others choose other ways. I agree there are different ways to cope and so do most people here I'm sure. I think what we are saying is that some ways are better than others. Some ways are selfish and cause others pain. I'm of the view that a cheater really pays with the consequences. Especially if they actually love their families. It's not a temporary fix and doesn't solve the problem in any way. Instead it causes much bigger problems in the M.
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