NoIDidn't Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 CIK Do you really feel that receiving email from your former lover and writing him back is a good thing for your marriage? If my husband were to try that with his former OW, I would divorce him faster than he can hit Reply.
SoulStorm Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 You don't understand how ANYONE can forgive & move on with life. How can ANYONE forgive and move on from an ongoing affair? Yes..it's ongoing. You still have contact Affairs don't require sex to be an affair. Continued contact can constitute still being in an affair. You cannot be friends with someone you once crossed the lines with..the line of friendship moved to relationship. If you were not married..it would be ok..but this is someone you betrayed your husband with. A betrayal you make him have to forgive or at least ignore the contact over and over again..no matter how sporadic it may be. That is really, really apathetic to do to your husband. He makes himself not care.. He sees the guy as a pathetic jerk trying to get his wife to screw him again.. You should make sure he doesn't have to see that. I don't mean hide it either..I mean stop it altogether.
Author confusedinkansas Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 If this was still an ONGOING AFFAIR....Like many of you believe don'tcha think there would be more contact with him than maybe once every 6 or so months? Hmmmm? Not an ongoing affair. Also to have an ONGOING AFFAIR wouldn't one or both parties need to 'have their heart in it?' - again Not an ongoing affair. He was told back in November by me that there is zero chance I'd ever meet up with him again. Told him I've grown up - moved on & wasn't interested. (I've mentioned this before here but somehow it get's swept under the rug) So-- I'm doubting any other emails will come. Also from a mutual aquaintence who volunteered info that I didn't ask for - She just knew that I knew him back in the day - I understand that things have changed for him & I HIGHLY doubt any other email will come. And as before, None will be initiated by me So - Frankly, I'm not to worried about it. It's all water under the bridge.
2sunny Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 If this was still an ONGOING AFFAIR....Like many of you believe don'tcha think there would be more contact with him than maybe once every 6 or so months? Hmmmm? Not an ongoing affair. Also to have an ONGOING AFFAIR wouldn't one or both parties need to 'have their heart in it?' - again Not an ongoing affair. He was told back in November by me that there is zero chance I'd ever meet up with him again. Told him I've grown up - moved on & wasn't interested. (I've mentioned this before here but somehow it get's swept under the rug) So-- I'm doubting any other emails will come. Also from a mutual aquaintence who volunteered info that I didn't ask for - She just knew that I knew him back in the day - I understand that things have changed for him & I HIGHLY doubt any other email will come. And as before, None will be initiated by me So - Frankly, I'm not to worried about it. It's all water under the bridge. CIK - you spend SO much time any energy trying to convince yourself - and us - that this isn't ongoing... So in all this rehashing - it really IS ongoing because you ARE thinking about it. When it's finally FINISHED - YOU will take action that NEVER allows him ANY way to contact you ever again. Until THAT time - its not finished... You still get a bit of an ego feed when that email pops up every time - no matter how much time passes - you can't tell me you don't. Otherwise - you would have put an absolute stop to it ALL. 1
SoulStorm Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 If this was still an ONGOING AFFAIR....Like many of you believe don'tcha think there would be more contact with him than maybe once every 6 or so months? Hmmmm? Not an ongoing affair. Also to have an ONGOING AFFAIR wouldn't one or both parties need to 'have their heart in it?' - again Not an ongoing affair. He was told back in November by me that there is zero chance I'd ever meet up with him again. Told him I've grown up - moved on & wasn't interested. (I've mentioned this before here but somehow it get's swept under the rug) So-- I'm doubting any other emails will come. Also from a mutual aquaintence who volunteered info that I didn't ask for - She just knew that I knew him back in the day - I understand that things have changed for him & I HIGHLY doubt any other email will come. And as before, None will be initiated by me So - Frankly, I'm not to worried about it. It's all water under the bridge. Once every six months...still contact. Ongoing contact no matter how sporadic. Still constitutes the emotional side of the affair going. Please don't tell me you're that simple. You may have yourself and even your BH convinced..I'm not and neither is anyone else on here. If you told him you have grown up..moved on and not interested...why allow him to contact and you reciprocate? Are you really so simple to believe that since you don't INITIATE the contact..it's ok? Wow..just wow. 2
nofool4u Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 If this was still an ONGOING AFFAIR....Like many of you believe don'tcha think there would be more contact with him than maybe once every 6 or so months? Hmmmm? Not an ongoing affair. Also to have an ONGOING AFFAIR wouldn't one or both parties need to 'have their heart in it?' - again Not an ongoing affair. You are barking up the wrong tree. As everyone here is saying, unless there might be someone, we don't think you are still in an affair. We have said time and time again, you don't want him completely out of your life. The fact that you will never "be together" again isn't the point. We've said that over and over. You don't get it. He was told back in November by me that there is zero chance I'd ever meet up with him again. Told him I've grown up - moved on & wasn't interested. (I've mentioned this before here but somehow it get's swept under the rug) No, that part isn't swept under the rug. What is swept under the rug is the fact that you still want him in your life, you have said this before by saying there is no reason you 2 shouldn't be friends. THAT is the problem. But hey, if your apathetic husband doesn't care, then thats his problem. ANY man that DOES care will not like a woman that wants to still be friends with the man they spread 'em for behind his back, and doesn't tell him to never contact her again. That is what we are saying. Your husband sees you more of a roommate and friend, otherwise, I guarantee you, he WOULD care about you not telling the OM off for good. So-- I'm doubting any other emails will come. Well of course, you didn't tell him to never contact you again. You don't want to tell him that. So - Frankly, I'm not to worried about it. It's all water under the bridge. Its water under the bridge when you build the bridge high enough to resist a flood. And since you didn't tell the OM to never contact you again, your bridge is too low.
nofool4u Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Once every six months...still contact. Ongoing contact no matter how sporadic. Still constitutes the emotional side of the affair going. Please don't tell me you're that simple. You may have yourself and even your BH convinced..I'm not and neither is anyone else on here. If you told him you have grown up..moved on and not interested...why allow him to contact and you reciprocate? Because she already has a thread out there that says she should still be allowed to be his friend.
2sunny Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 IF your husband cared enough about YOU = he'd care enough to set a healthy boundary - one that says "no more contact from that man who screwed you" but he hasn't said THAT... Leaves one wondering why he doesn't care enough to say something? Wondering why he simply doesn't care enough to make the effort to state the obvious!!! I don't know one man that wouldn't say something - that wouldn't put his foot down and say "I'll have no more of him emailing you!" What the heck is wrong with him... Is he always so wimpy?
2sunny Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Her inaction to take the lead in blocking ALL communication from him shows her lack of empathy and respect that she claims she has for her husband. She can say it all she wants - but her actions show everything! She hasn't completely cut him out of her life!
donnamaybe Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 IF your husband cared enough about YOU = he'd care enough to set a healthy boundary - one that says "no more contact from that man who screwed you" but he hasn't said THAT... Leaves one wondering why he doesn't care enough to say something? Wondering why he simply doesn't care enough to make the effort to state the obvious!!! I don't know one man that wouldn't say something - that wouldn't put his foot down and say "I'll have no more of him emailing you!" What the heck is wrong with him... Is he always so wimpy? I wonder if there is the same circular logic when he tries to have meaningful conversations at home. It might just be maddening enough to make a person give up.
nofool4u Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 This thread says it all. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/256233-why-not And here is the kicker, at the end of the thread, you said you blocked him. But here you say no such thing other than you doubt he will email you again. Methinks you lie.
Author confusedinkansas Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 YES............Please do read the thread.All of it. All of my posts too. Not just the points where you want to pick me apart. From the thread that was referred by NOFOOL....It's not my desire to have any contact with him. The question was one that I am of the same belief of everyone else here. That it's not a good idea. He & I did try the friends route during my separation - I of all people know that it can't work. I have in the past asked for other opinions & WWYD's. On this subject....I always intended to do whatever my husband wanted me to. It really isn't so horrible to post here for other opinions even if you already know the answer or already know what your plan is. & yes, I did block him. Blocked him from the email address he had from back in the day & from Facebook. Other changes that weren't directly a result of him: Cell # changed, Moved twice & changed job locations - So, No....Me thinks I am not lying. It's the same point I've made all along.............If someone wants to reach you no amount of blocking will keep them from catching up & making their presence known. If I were to make a big production to him about not contacting me - He'd do it just out of spite. So, I choose to just let it go. Let it die. He'll tire of the NO's - He won't win the "Game" anymore so he'll give up. No point in discussing that anymore - He'll become bored, find another "distraction" - done & done That thread wasn't started so that I COULD be friends. That thread was started out of reading other's posts that they wanted to remain friends with their XAP. But, like normal on this site, that entire thread (as this one has) took on a totally different life. Oh well.........so be it I guess.
donnamaybe Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 You could still choose to NOT reply. But no - you carry on a discussion about each other's personal lives.
nofool4u Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 YES............Please do read the thread.All of it. All of my posts too. Not just the points where you want to pick me apart. From the thread that was referred by NOFOOL.... & yes, I did block him. Blocked him from the email address he had from back in the day & from Facebook. Other changes that weren't directly a result of him: Cell # changed, Moved twice & changed job locations - So, No....Me thinks I am not lying. Hmm, yet he is still able to email you, obviously. hmmm It's the same point I've made all along.............If someone wants to reach you no amount of blocking will keep them from catching up & making their presence known. Again, you haven't told him to go away forever, because you don't want him to go away. He keeps coming back because you don't put the brakes on it. If I were to make a big production to him about not contacting me - He'd do it just out of spite. Excuses, excuses. Sorry, not buying it. So, I choose to just let it go. Let it die. Hmmm, but it isn't dying. He'll tire of the NO's - He won't win the "Game" anymore so he'll give up. No point in discussing that anymore - He'll become bored, find another "distraction" - done & done Still doesn't change the fact that you told this forum that there shouldn't be any reason why you can't still be friends with him. Nice try. That thread wasn't started so that I COULD be friends. That thread was started out of reading other's posts that they wanted to remain friends with their XAP. But, like normal on this site, that entire thread (as this one has) took on a totally different life. Oh well.........so be it I guess.
Author confusedinkansas Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 nofool - you just want to argue for the sake of arguing. No point in carrying on with the discussion since you didn't read the thread. Period. It's not my desire to have any contact with him. The question was one that I am of the same belief of everyone else here. That it's not a good idea. He & I did try the friends route during my separation - I of all people know that it can't work.
SoulStorm Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 nofool - you just want to argue for the sake of arguing. No point in carrying on with the discussion since you didn't read the thread. Period. The point that is unanimously being reiterated is despite you saying you want no further contact with him, when he does make contact..you reply. Why not simply ignore? Because you don't want to hurt his feelings? You have stated that you go back and forth..although your responses are short..why reply anyway? Why not just ignore and block the new number..that sends a far more powerful message of "leave me alone" than a one word reply ever would. Every time you respond..you lose in the "Game"
nofool4u Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 nofool - you just want to argue for the sake of arguing. No point in carrying on with the discussion since you didn't read the thread. Period. Uh, ahem..I'm not the only one that sees that you are in complete denial. You stated to this forum that you didn't think it was unreasonable to stay friends with him. Do I really have to explain that to you?
nofool4u Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Every time you respond..you lose in the "Game" I was thinking the very same thing. 1
nofool4u Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Wow, the air is starting to smell better around here
BrighterWashing Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 When BS's here tell a "CHeater" that they are horrible people -(which is bullying) someone needs to stand up & help defend them. Let them know that they aren't horrible people. They have just made a really bad error in judgement, that it WILL be ok. I have never said that cheating just happens. To be specific I said it DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN. I also did not say that the BS was RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CHEATING. I said that they were responsible/or played a part for what happened in the marrige &The downfall of the marriage. Nowhere do I blame the parent - or other person (or whatever happened to them) - It's the child's fault they've chosen to act out in a way that's unacceptable. Yes I'm using a child's situation as an example......again, hoping that maybe someone out there gets it. (I doubt it ..... but it's worth a shot) Same I will bite on the quote above. 1 Yes some cheaters have a bad judgment and are bad people for a while but manage to become good people again. Some don't and are just bad people. It depends what you do with it. If you ride off the sunset with your slut sure you're a bad person. If you fall on your knees and mean it and show it that you've changed for the rest of your life then maybe you're not a bad person. Maybe. H and I have explicitly agreed on the above btw it isn't just a BS POV. 2 a marriage can be perfect and cheating still happens. Both kinds- bad judgment and bad people. It IS unfair to the BS to always assume it was bad before the affair. It's also unfair IF it was bad to always assume the BS contributed to that. The grass grows where you water it and plenty of narcissistic WSs made their marriages sad all on their lonesome and the BS tried and tried and put up with much only to find the WS then cheated claiming a "bad" marriage. Yes sometimes both contribute but not always. I contributed fwiw. But I know BSs who didn't! 3 the child analogy is great. Take it further. The WS is behaving as a child but is an adult. Bingo! There is no excuse or explanation that would be available to a child that would be relevant here. Big old WS being a bastard and that is all. And the only path to healing and a happy M is to admit that. 1
Lostinlife4now Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Your bullying tactics won't chase me away as I'm up for a debate with you anytime. You are a cheater apologist and do so without regard to the BS because, like you said, you can only see things from the perspective colored by your own life experiences. Offering advice and council to fellow WS's is one thing, but you are far too quick to tell a BS they must shoulder an equal amount of the blame for the affair. That is simply BS and a rationalization to ease your own guilt. I doubt that I will ever accept that an affair is a defend-able reaction to marital problems. There are other avenues to end a marriage or work on repairing it. Sneaking around, lying to your spouse, and having sex with another is a cowardly way to deal with whatever problems you have in your relationship. Even when you label is as "2 very dear friends having a wonderful time together", it is still a horrible betrayal of your spouse's trust. BTW: are others ok with the bolded statement above? I'm surprised that no one else has commented on this disgusting characterization of cheating. Am I a bad person for cheating.. HELL NO!!! Was I in a bad place when I decided to cheat? HELL YES!!! Did I stop it...SURE DID!!! Was xMM M horrible...HELL NO!!! He just wanted someone to make his penis hard and entertainment.....Oh well so be it!
Lostinlife4now Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Hmm, yet he is still able to email you, obviously. hmmm Again, you haven't told him to go away forever, because you don't want him to go away. He keeps coming back because you don't put the brakes on it. Excuses, excuses. Sorry, not buying it. Hmmm, but it isn't dying. Still doesn't change the fact that you told this forum that there shouldn't be any reason why you can't still be friends with him. Nice try. That thread wasn't started so that I COULD be friends. That thread was started out of reading other's posts that they wanted to remain friends with their XAP. But, like normal on this site, that entire thread (as this one has) took on a totally different life. Oh well.........so be it I guess. In my experience with xMM, YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS!!! Friends talk about certain and different things...with xmm he couldn't deal with that I was out looking for a SINGLE man to date...and I really don't feel like hearing about his W. So what else is there to talk about? Hmmm the weather! Xlovers cannot be friends...no way, no how...JMO I have told xMM to go awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...and drop dead to be exact!
JustJoe Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 The point that is unanimously being reiterated is despite you saying you want no further contact with him, when he does make contact..you reply. Why not simply ignore? Because you don't want to hurt his feelings? You have stated that you go back and forth..although your responses are short..why reply anyway? Why not just ignore and block the new number..that sends a far more powerful message of "leave me alone" than a one word reply ever would. Every time you respond..you lose in the "Game"This , of course , is the crux of the issue. CIK, IF, you are in "happily ever after", mode, and IF you have no interest in the OM, and IF you are not recieving an ego rush, and IF you have really changed.....IF all you have said is true.... Then WHY REPLY. You have never satisfactorily answered this question, and I don't think you can. Bear in mind that I'm a FOM, so I have no axe to grind. Because if you are getting nothing from this contact, it would not exist, and could not without your participation. 2
123321 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 There's not always something wrong with the marriage...I hate that people always assume that there must have been problems in the marriage or else the cheating spouse wouldn't have strayed. Isn't that one definition of something wrong in the marriage? 1
123321 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Sometimes there is but sometimes a happily married person has power issues, boundary issues, or just entitlement issues. Sometimes they have things so good they think they can spice it up with a little risk. Maybe sometimes however if it needs spice how good is it? If they feel bound how good is it? If they feel powerless, how good is it? What that sounds like is that their partner is happy and they should therefore suck it up and get with the program even if they are not happy. 1
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