Just a rebuttal...

[confusedinkansas]

My purpose for starting this thread was merely to get off my chest what others keep twisting around.

Which obviously doesn't matter - cuz it's gonna get twisted no matter which way I put it.

 

I really didn't expect anyone to even comment - or ask any other questions.

 

You know we are all dysfunctinal in one form or another -

We're all screwed up in one form or another.

 

Guess I'll take my version of Happily Ever After.

[SoulStorm]

Guess I'll take my version of Happily Ever After.

 

Guess you will have to..

 

Your version of Happily Ever After includes a man you cheated on your BH with sporadically emailing (fishing for) you.

 

You responding..then it stops once you say no..

 

Guess what..he's going to keep emailing because you let him..

 

But hey..it's your happily ever after.

 

Just curious of how you would feel if your BH had a woman he had an affair with randomly emailing (fishing for) him.

 

But you wouldn't know that..because that's not happening to you.

 

It is so easy to be the one projecting the negative instead of receiving the negative...

 

Ohhh..so you will say..How am I projecting the negative..my husband knows?

 

If you really believe that concept...I hope your Happily Ever after can stay happy.

Or just what will happen one night when you have a disagreement and your BH says..well..she still emails this fella..maybe it's my time to have some fun too...hypothetical...i know.

But it's happened.

 

My take on it is you're throwing previously lit matches at a propane depot.

It's only a matter of time before it blows up.

 

There is no way that I would allow my wife to accept emails from some guy she had an affair with..I know what his intentions would be..they would not be honorable.

 

You know this too about your XOM...you know full well why he emails whether you initaite them or not.

 

Or are you going to "dumb this down" too?

Continue on with your Happily Ever After..I prefer mine.

[beenburned]

Your behavior is so disrespectful to your BS.

 

If you are truly remorseful, you will stop all behaviors that drew you into an affair in the first place.(You need healthy boundaries)

 

I would never allow my spouse to be friends with his former OW! And if he continued, he would be kicked out.

 

This is similar behavior of a dry alcoholic. Even though they are sober, they still have unhealthy boundaries that contributed to the addiction in the first place.

[donnamaybe]

Your behavior is so disrespectful to your BS.

 

If you are truly remorseful, you will stop all behaviors that drew you into an affair in the first place.(You need healthy boundaries)

 

I would never allow my spouse to be friends with his former OW! And if he continued, he would be kicked out.

 

This is similar behavior of a dry alcoholic. Even though they are sober, they still have unhealthy boundaries that contributed to the addiction in the first place.

 

Well said. Genuine concern for the feelings of the BS would lead to a complete cutting off of all contact. And not only is e-mail not being blocked, conversations continue.

[StrongerThanB4]

My purpose for starting this thread was merely to get off my chest what others keep twisting around.

Which obviously doesn't matter - cuz it's gonna get twisted no matter which way I put it.

 

I really didn't expect anyone to even comment - or ask any other questions.

 

You know we are all dysfunctinal in one form or another -

We're all screwed up in one form or another.

 

Guess I'll take my version of Happily Ever After.

 

 

Doesnt really seem like anyone is "twisting" anything. I have read your million threads and posts...and I'm basing my opinion on everything YOU have written...not what I've guessed!

 

I find you never answer the appropriate questions and just pick and choose what you want. Whatever...you do what you got to do. Hopefully your husband isnt still drinking his problems away.

 

In either case..no I don't believe we are all dysfunctional. We make our lives..we have choices in life. I'm done with this stupid thread!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Same in a (MY) marriage - It's not my fault that my husband chose to act out using alcohol. It's his fault. HOWEVER, I did play a contributing role for him to choose that particular thing to help him cope.

Same with me - It's not his fault I choose to have an affair. It's mine. I made a bad decision to COPE. We both made bad decisions on how to deal with what was happening in our life & in our marriage AT THAT TIME. Whew...that felt good!

 

You consistently tell people to lie and keep secrets. If they cheated then they need to be honest with their spouse in order to start the healing process. That is my biggest issue with you.

 

When it comes to your own marriage. I don't have anything to say about that. If your husband signed up and wanted my opinion... I'd chew his butt for taking you back. I'd have a serious discussion as to whether drinking alcohol in a relationship is equivalent to cheating.

[drifter777]

My purpose for starting this thread was merely to get off my chest what others keep twisting around.

Which obviously doesn't matter - cuz it's gonna get twisted no matter which way I put it.

 

I really didn't expect anyone to even comment - or ask any other questions.

 

You know we are all dysfunctinal in one form or another -

We're all screwed up in one form or another.

 

Guess I'll take my version of Happily Ever After.

 

You seem to be toning down your rhetoric in the face of the withering criticism you are getting on this thread. I hope you are doing some soul-searching and even trying to see things from your husbands perspective. His silence is not necessarily acceptance of your cheating but may be what he thinks is the best way to cope. If that is the case, he will crumble one day and behave more like a "typical" BS.

 

I believe you allow the OM to continue contact so you can keep your back-up plan alive. You are keeping you xAP warm in case you want to fire things back up for whatever reason.

 

There is much more about your situation that I don't know, but going by what you post I don't think you are as happy in your M as you profess to be. If you were, why would you continue to come to this forum and spend so much time and energy to rationalize your cheating?

[nofool4u]

You consistently tell people to lie and keep secrets.

 

Yes, that too.

[nofool4u]

Because I haven't told my XAP to 'go to hell' means nothing.

 

It means nothing if he never contacted you again.

 

But since he has, you not telling him to "go to hell" means everything.

 

More to the point says everything. It says, "I don't want him to ever completely go away"

 

 

If I told him to go away & he showed up 6 months later - then what? I mean, I"ve gained nothing. Nothing at all.

 

It really has to be explained to you? As long as you don't tell him to go to hell, he will think its perfectly fine to contact you. By you not telling him, he will think you still want contact. And he'd be right.

 

Sorry, rhetorically thinking about IF he might come back after telling him you never want to see him again isn't going to hide the fact you don't want him gone completely from your life.

 

I don't believe that has to be explained to you.

 

 

Our conversations - however brief -& few & far between are mostly about family.

The cycle goes like this........he emails, we email back & forth about the kids, family stuff, yadda yadda yadda. He asks me to meet him for a drink, I say No. He goes away for 6 or so months. Not a biggie. We don't talk about the A. We don't talk about our respective relationships. Period. A total of about 5 emails passed back & forth. If you really believe that's a big deal, well, ok. You have your opinion & I have mine.

 

Its not a big deal for you because you have a husband that doesn't care....about anything. He is apathetic. Only way a man isn't going to care if his wife is still in contact with her x-sex-on-the-side is if he doesn't love her, doesn't care about her, or is getting some on the side himself.

 

 

Many here have stated that I haven't done this because I don't want him to totally go away. That's not the truth.

 

Yes it is. You even started a thread about why cheaters and affair partners shouldn't be allowed to be friends and made your case for still being in contact with your X-wee wee. In it you argued he is part of your life and you shouldn't have to tell them to go away, in so many words.

 

 

It would make no difference to me if he ever emailed me again, or emailed me tomorrow.

 

But it should. Which is why, IMO, you have no marriage.

 

 

Quoting the bible........He that is without sin cast the first stone...........HAHA!! It means EVERYTING in life...........Not just infidelity My Friend.

 

Some of us are without the sin of cheating. So we can chime in as we like.

 

And I don't think someone like you needs to be quoting the Bible.

[2sunny]

Since the emails are still read by the OP - she still serves herself up that ego boost that the OM gave her when she was cheating. It's no different now... Those emails still serve a purpose for you - to know and understand that he's thinking of you, wants you and chases you!

 

That's totally disrespecting your husband! You know it - yet you don't put a COMPLETE and utter stop to it...in fact - you FEED it and GROW it bigger by responding to your OM.

 

The way I see it - you are still getting out of this what you got out of it while you were having sex with him - THAT EGO BOOST THAT CHEATERS NEED/want/desire.

 

You may as well be having sex with him - because I'm sure you look forward to those days when the emails arrive. There isn't one good reason you need to correspond with him.

 

He doesn't have any place in your life and you know it - IF your M was as healthy as you say - you would tell that OM to get lost! But no, you keep encouraging him to feed your ego by responding when he reaches out.

 

You've never REALLY OWNED all of how you participate. If you did - you'd admit to stringing both men along - still to this day. It's just that YOU don't want to dig deep into WHY "you" cheated - its easier to sweep it under the rug than to look at your own deficiencies. There is no recovery in that. Just as your H looks like the dry drunk - there's no "recovery" in that either. Just a man without what he loves =his drink.

 

I don't see anything that's changed - except you got your doormat of a husband to go along with it now.

[2sunny]

Maybe when your H cheats on you - and you know how that feels - it may qualify you to give advice to a BS.

 

Telling them to forgive and forget like your H did just doesn't cut it for some here - especially if they have a healthy, solid boundary.

[confusedinkansas]

Just because someone forgives you does not mean that they are a DOOR MAT or don't have HEALTHY BOUNDERIES.

 

So many of you here hold on to your PAIN that, seriously, I'd worry about your personal health.

 

'Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment & thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. (NOT DWELL ON THE PAIN) Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. '

 

I found this exert - I believe 100% this is how my husband has felt all along.

Yes, he's dealt with his own battles & I've dealt with his betrayals to me as well. We both realize that being together is what counts. The past is in the past (where it belongs) We're moving forward.

Just because we choose what many here think is an unconventional way to 'move on' doesn't mean it's WRONG. It just means that it's what's worked & what's working for us.

 

 

But......Here's a shocker. People change. We have both changed a great deal even in the past 2 years.

 

Back to the fact that many of you can't understand about my replying to emails from my XAP. Still not a big deal. He is not a part of my life. You can 'assume' all you want about my feelings. The only difference is that I know what my true feelings are. You here that try to guess....do not. Nor could my posts here lead you to "Guess" my most inner thoughts.

 

Never have I 'waited for that next email so that my ego can be boosted' - my husband 'boost's my ego every day' - Dont' need someone else to do it.

[nofool4u]

Just because someone forgives you does not mean that they are a DOOR MAT or don't have HEALTHY BOUNDERIES.

 

I agree.

 

But what makes someone a doormat, or indicates there are not healthy boundaries is someone that has forgiven a cheating spouse, when that spouse continues to not do what is needed to ensure the OP doesn't contact them again.

 

Someone is a doormat for forgiving, then simply putting up with a cheating wife still not wanting contact with the OM to be completely over forever.

 

 

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. '

 

But with forgiveness should come the desire of the offending party to make it right with their betrayed partner.

 

 

Just because we choose what many here think is an unconventional way to 'move on' doesn't mean it's WRONG. It just means that it's what's worked & what's working for us.

 

I gather there isn't much that won't work for your husband. The way you describe him in the face of your continued disrespect, he is apathetic and doesn't really care, about you or anything else.

 

So I guess if he wants to look the other way, while in the back of his mind knowing you don't want the OM completely gone from your life, thats his problem.

 

 

But......Here's a shocker. People change. We have both changed a great deal even in the past 2 years.

 

Heres a shocker, you didn't change as much as you think. You already said you don't regret your affair, and you refuse to tell the OM to eff off for good.

 

So yes, people change, but get back to us when YOU have.

 

 

Back to the fact that many of you can't understand about my replying to emails from my XAP. Still not a big deal. He is not a part of my life.

 

Ya sure, thats only why you have a thread on this site about why you should be able to remain friends with OM:rolleyes:

 

 

 

You can 'assume' all you want about my feelings.

 

No assumptions at all. Your words are all over the place about how you feel. Like posting that you shouldn't have to give up this OM as a friend.

[LifesontheUp]

Back to the fact that many of you can't understand about my replying to emails from my XAP. Still not a big deal. He is not a part of my life. You can 'assume' all you want about my feelings. The only difference is that I know what my true feelings are. You here that try to guess....do not. Nor could my posts here lead you to "Guess" my most inner thoughts.

 

Never have I 'waited for that next email so that my ego can be boosted' - my husband 'boost's my ego every day' - Dont' need someone else to do it.

 

Actually if he mails you and you reply he IS part of your life.

 

The only time he woudn't be part of your life is when he doesn't mail you and you don't mail him back.

[confusedinkansas]

It just dawned on me (after reading some of your (BS) threads & posts)

Why some of you are such haters of the WS & such bashers of me.

 

You don't understand how ANYONE can forgive & move on with life.

 

You can't do it yourself so you don't get HOW anyone could.

 

Drifter in particular - I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you many years ago. I kind of feel sorry for her that you've lead her on all these years after, making her believe life was ok. NOW you want to leave after all that time.

 

This has nothing to do with the other man contacting me. It has to do with total misunderstanding - total 'ignorance' of the capability to forgive.

 

Anyway, the point is IT HAPPENS. People forgive others for doing them wrong (not just infidelity) You all think my husband is such a weird-o for forgiving me....

This is how he is all the time, business, friendships, family.

He's just that guy. (drives me nuts sometimes) But, he's just that guy. That guy that would forgive if you did him wrong.

Not apathetic.....Forgiving. There's a difference.

[donnamaybe]

Yeah. People feel that choosing to have continued contact with the guy you were cheating on your H with is disrespectful to your H because people have hate filled minds. Um, yeah. That's it.

[2sunny]

It just dawned on me (after reading some of your (BS) threads & posts)

Why some of you are such haters of the WS & such bashers of me.

 

You don't understand how ANYONE can forgive & move on with life.

 

You can't do it yourself so you don't get HOW anyone could.

 

Drifter in particular - I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you many years ago. I kind of feel sorry for her that you've lead her on all these years after, making her believe life was ok. NOW you want to leave after all that time.

 

This has nothing to do with the other man contacting me. It has to do with total misunderstanding - total 'ignorance' of the capability to forgive.

 

Anyway, the point is IT HAPPENS. People forgive others for doing them wrong (not just infidelity) You all think my husband is such a weird-o for forgiving me....

This is how he is all the time, business, friendships, family.

He's just that guy. (drives me nuts sometimes) But, he's just that guy. That guy that would forgive if you did him wrong.

Not apathetic.....Forgiving. There's a difference.

 

Your husbands non-reaction may very well be the reason he used to drink.

 

Forgiving is one thing - but stuffing all those feelings down and NOT ADDRESSING them may be the cause of wanting to "cover up how he feels with alcohol".

 

I'm just pointing out the obvious... Mainly because it may help to understand why he drank.

 

Expressing his feelings and dealing with how he feels/why he feels that way is a healthier approach to the healing path.

[woinlove]

I've made a concious decision to not go there again. It didn't fix or solve anything. (& I've never said here that it did) It created more drama than I care to ever have again in my life. I'm way too busy for an A & I'm not even close to being the same person I was then.

 

The reason I choose to be open and honest with my spouse has little to do with being too busy or not wanting drama. Aren't there other more important reasons you don't want to have an affair?

 

For example, were any of your values (loyalty, openness, honesty,...) violated? If so, did that make you feel bad and you would rather feel good about yourself by respecting your own values? I ask, because the reason I've never cheated on any partner is primarily because I know the traits and values I think are important make me feel good about myself and I would not want to lose that. That and how upholding those values brings more love into my life, and my husband's and children's lives.

 

Busy isn't a factor. Drama - well there have been things (nothing to do with personal relationships) I have felt strongly about that I did knowing they would bring some drama, but the positive payoff was worth it, so avoiding drama on its own is not my primary motivator either.

[nofool4u]

It just dawned on me (after reading some of your (BS) threads & posts)

Why some of you are such haters of the WS & such bashers of me.

 

You don't understand how ANYONE can forgive & move on with life.

 

You can't do it yourself so you don't get HOW anyone could.

 

Oh my poor dear delusional lady void of scruples. If a WS is truly remorseful, cuts all ties with xAP, and makes every attempt to show the BS that they want the marriage, and will respect their BS, more power to them and wish them the best.

 

But this is a far cry from you as evidenced by your posts. BIG difference here sugarplum.

 

 

This has nothing to do with the other man contacting me. It has to do with total misunderstanding - total 'ignorance' of the capability to forgive.

 

Not at all. What is your husband forgiving? I don't even think he knows. Seems he is simply oblivious and doesn't care to deal with anything. Like I said, any man that knows his wife still likes the contact from the OM, and has already said on this forum that you don't see why you can't be friends with your side sex partner, wouldn't be quick to forgive. He is forgiving something blindly. He is forgiving a wife that thinks she should be able to still be friends with the OM.

 

Again, big difference.

 

Anyway, the point is IT HAPPENS. People forgive others for doing them wrong (not just infidelity) You all think my husband is such a weird-o for forgiving me....

 

Not if you extended him the respect of not thinking you should be able to friends with the OM.

 

He is illusioned because he forgave someone that doesn't want the OM to ever completely go away.

 

 

This is how he is all the time, business, friendships, family.

He's just that guy. (drives me nuts sometimes) But, he's just that guy. That guy that would forgive if you did him wrong.

Not apathetic.....Forgiving. There's a difference.

 

Well then, by all means, continue to disrespect him then:o

[Owl]

CIK...I think the confusion here is pretty obvious.

 

You still have contact with your xOM. The vast majority of posters who have responded have indicated their amazement that your H is OK with this, when they wouldn't be. You've had responses from both sides of the spectrum of BS's...those who forgave & reconciled, and those who have divorced & moved on. And they share that same feeling about your posts and your situation.

 

That kinda blows your "lack of forgiveness" theory out of the water.

 

I'll give you my viewpoint. I suspect that you and your H have confused forgiveness with apathy.

 

From what you've described...your H hasn't "forgiven" you. He sounds (from your posts at least) like he simply doesn't care, doesn't want to know, doesn't have any true emotional investment in the situation. To me, that's not forgiveness...that's apathy.

 

That's the only way I can understand his complete lack of interest in the infidelity and continued contact. He simply doesn't care enough to want to spend effort to investigate and forgive.

 

I'm sure you'll come back and tell me how wrong I am...but I'm curious how you'll go about trying to prove to me that he IS emotionally invested in your relationship?

[anne1707]

It just dawned on me (after reading some of your (BS) threads & posts)

Why some of you are such haters of the WS & such bashers of me.

 

You don't understand how ANYONE can forgive & move on with life.

 

You can't do it yourself so you don't get HOW anyone could.

 

Drifter in particular - I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you many years ago. I kind of feel sorry for her that you've lead her on all these years after, making her believe life was ok. NOW you want to leave after all that time.

 

This has nothing to do with the other man contacting me. It has to do with total misunderstanding - total 'ignorance' of the capability to forgive.

 

Anyway, the point is IT HAPPENS. People forgive others for doing them wrong (not just infidelity) You all think my husband is such a weird-o for forgiving me....

This is how he is all the time, business, friendships, family.

He's just that guy. (drives me nuts sometimes) But, he's just that guy. That guy that would forgive if you did him wrong.

Not apathetic.....Forgiving. There's a difference.

 

 

CIK

 

I am a former WS. My H and I have successfully reconciled. He has forgiven me.

 

However apart from the fact that there is no way I would disrespect him by having continued personal contact with the ex-OM (I work with him so I have to - and only - talk work with him), my husband would not tolerate it. He would see that as an abuse of his trust in me to do the "right thing". It would be crossing a boundary that should be maintained if truly remorseful and committed to the marriage.

[drifter777]

It just dawned on me (after reading some of your (BS) threads & posts)

Why some of you are such haters of the WS & such bashers of me.

 

You don't understand how ANYONE can forgive & move on with life.

 

You can't do it yourself so you don't get HOW anyone could.

 

Drifter in particular - I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you many years ago. I kind of feel sorry for her that you've lead her on all these years after, making her believe life was ok. NOW you want to leave after all that time.

 

This has nothing to do with the other man contacting me. It has to do with total misunderstanding - total 'ignorance' of the capability to forgive.

 

Anyway, the point is IT HAPPENS. People forgive others for doing them wrong (not just infidelity) You all think my husband is such a weird-o for forgiving me....

This is how he is all the time, business, friendships, family.

He's just that guy. (drives me nuts sometimes) But, he's just that guy. That guy that would forgive if you did him wrong.

Not apathetic.....Forgiving. There's a difference.

 

Thanks, but I don't need yours or anyone else's sympathy. My wife has known all along that I am not OK with what she did and have not forgiven her for cheating on me. Here's the thing, intellectually I know I am wrong to have held on to my bitter feelings for so long. I know it is my problem and I am working on forgiveness with my counselor. I no longer punish my wife by bringing it up and forcing her to go over it time and time again. When something triggers my memory and I begin to re-live the incident, I simply leave the room and stay away from her until the feelings pass. I'm making progress and plan to continue working on it.

 

I think you have a valid point when you say that many of us BS's "don't understand how ANYONE can forgive & move on with life". As I've told you many times, the story you tell here on LS is simply not reality for the vast majority of us. Now that you have revealed that you still have regular contact with your AP you have made your story even more extreme. Just because I acknowledge your point regarding difficulty forgiving doesn't mean I understand (or even believe) the rest of your story. It's just too crazy and has no basis in the reality of infidelity.

 

I wish I could forgive and forget and I know I need to resolve my feelings somehow and I will continue to work on it. Meanwhile, don't waste any time or effort feeling sorry for me.

[nofool4u]

CIK

 

I am a former WS. My H and I have successfully reconciled. He has forgiven me.

 

However apart from the fact that there is no way I would disrespect him by having continued personal contact with the ex-OM

 

Boom shakalaka!

 

There endeth the lesson CIK.

[frozensprouts]

Thanks, but I don't need yours or anyone else's sympathy. My wife has known all along that I am not OK with what she did and have not forgiven her for cheating on me. Here's the thing, intellectually I know I am wrong to have held on to my bitter feelings for so long. I know it is my problem and I am working on forgiveness with my counselor. I no longer punish my wife by bringing it up and forcing her to go over it time and time again. When something triggers my memory and I begin to re-live the incident, I simply leave the room and stay away from her until the feelings pass. I'm making progress and plan to continue working on it.

 

I think you have a valid point when you say that many of us BS's "don't understand how ANYONE can forgive & move on with life". As I've told you many times, the story you tell here on LS is simply not reality for the vast majority of us. Now that you have revealed that you still have regular contact with your AP you have made your story even more extreme. Just because I acknowledge your point regarding difficulty forgiving doesn't mean I understand (or even believe) the rest of your story. It's just too crazy and has no basis in the reality of infidelity.

 

I wish I could forgive and forget and I know I need to resolve my feelings somehow and I will continue to work on it. Meanwhile, don't waste any time or effort feeling sorry for me.

 

 

your post made me think...

 

it seems kind of unfair that some ( but not all) wayward spouses seem to feel that they "couldn't help who they have feelings for... after all,they can't control their feelings"...but some of these people expect their betrayed spouses to somehow be able to control theirs ..."you should have forgiven me and not still be angry by now"

[Spark1111]

your post made me think...

 

it seems kind of unfair that some ( but not all) wayward spouses seem to feel that they "couldn't help who they have feelings for... after all,they can't control their feelings"...but some of these people expect their betrayed spouses to somehow be able to control theirs ..."you should have forgiven me and not still be angry by now"

 

This is the redicuously unfair double standard many a fBS has to endure; always taking the high road for the good of the marriage and the children.

 

I remember telling the counselor not too long after DDAy, "Why the hell was I sooooo good all these years? Where did it get me? Betrayed."

 

He smiled and shook his head.

 

I have needs and today I meet them. I have boundaries today and I enforce them. I turned my focus from him, him, him to me and us.

 

I was always the "strong" one in the relationship. I am not as strong or as selfless pre-affair, but I am happier in that. And I tell him that often.

 

If he couldn't control his emotions, and I was always in hyper-control, today we share a balance. I never really wanted to be his mother, so I'm not.

 

And he has stepped up to the plate very nicely.