First date since BU..an awkward ending

[Sentient6]

Hey guys,

 

So now that my exams are finally over I've eventually found some time to go out with friends and have some fun, since I haven't been able to go out for like a month now .

 

I must admit that I haven't stopped thinking about my ex (been together for 4 years, 1 month NC, broke up in December),although I've made huge steps in my healing process. I don't visit her fb page anymore and I don't feel the urge to do it either, when I think about her I only remember our good times and that comes natural.. I've forgiven myself and her also for all the things that went wrong in our relationship. In general, I want to believe that I'm doing good in reaching a state of emotional maturity.

 

Long story short, a week ago we were out with the guys in a local bar. A group of girlfriends was sitting right next to us and being a little drunk I decided it was time to finally give it a shot (Point that it was the first time since the BU that I've found the strength to do so. It has been a VERY VERY long time since I last talked to a girl in a bar and asked her out--I never cheated on my gf those 4 years)

 

We ended up talking for like an hour only, because we had to leave the bar to go to a friend's party. The conversation was fun and it seemed like she was having a good time talking to me too. Before leaving I asked her to give me her phone # and she did!!

 

A couple of days later I texted her and suggested to go for a drink or a movie. She accepted and we went out on Friday night. She was great, we had fun, we laughed a lot, talked about many things and topics-- I must admit she's a pretty interesting person. When I finally made the move to kiss her within the 2-hour mark-->Bingo!!! It was a little awkward for me considering that I haven't kissed another girl for 4 years, but it felt good!!

 

I didn't want to push things and tell her to come up to my house for a last drink so I just dropped her home and said goodnight(no goodnight kiss though:()

 

The awkward thing is that when I returned home and fell in bed all I could think about was my ex:o. I simply couldn't get her out of my mind. I was thinking about our first date and our first kiss and I suddenly started feeling again like day 1 of the BU..

 

Why is this happening to me?? I just had a great date with an interesting beautiful girl and this seems to have worked against me. Any thoughts guys??

[Philosoraptor]

This isn't abnormal at all. Being together that long you learn to associate these types of things with one person. It will fade in time and get easier, but it's like this for most people.

 

Don't let yourself stagnate in these feelings. Remember how good you were just before this and that this is just emotional memory. When you start to get down have something ready to focus on until those feelings go away.

 

Good on you for taking it slow though. Just let things progress naturally and don't jump into anything until you are emotionally ready for it.

[ken_25]

You're not ready for dating yet. Broke up in December after 4 years??? yeah.. I suggest giving it more time to move on and spare hurting some nice girls feelings.

[ScienceGal]

You aren't ready, and you shouldn't be. It's ok.

 

Letting someone else into your life will mean taking another step away from your ex...which is sad, your body physically feels the distance growing. This is why it's important to make this separation on your own and not associate it with a new relationship. When you meet someone new, and are ready, you won't go home and think about your ex.

 

Keep hanging out with your friends and do things that make you happy.

[lalalandman]

I think dating is definitely great, as long as you keep it short and fun. I think it's a great confidence booster and in a way helps you to move on. I went on plenty of dates after my break up, and none of them turned serious. Sure 1 or 2 came with a little drama but overall I look back and I'm glad I did it. I know you feel like you miss your ex but those feelings will fade. You're doing great so far. Expect some ups and downs. So if you choose to date, keep it casual. Eventually I got to the point where I was comfortable solo and stopped dating for a bit. It's different for everyone though!

[Sentient6]

Thank you guys for your responses.

 

The hardest part is that ,once I started to believe that I should move on and start something new in my life, these memories come to my mind and it's like I'm stuck again on day 1.. Well, if moving on and starting dating can't help me to get her out of my mind, then what can?Pfff. SucH a f*cked up situation.

 

I like this new girl very much.And I sure want to try to make something happen out of this.We are getting along very well..We texted an hour ago ( I texted first) and she said she was thinking of me, so I asked when she's free and suggested going out..She accepted and we are going on a second date the day after tomorrow. I really don't know what to do. I don't even know if I wanted this second date so soon. I'm getting nervous about it and I believe that I'll f*ck it up.

 

Do you guys really believe that the thing that the thought of my ex is still there renders me unready to start something new and incapable of making it work??

 

Also, next week is our 4 year mark (on the 17th, we both never cared about Valentine's:p.) How should I react if she breaks NC that day and initiates a convo?

Edited February 7, 2012 by Sentient6

[lalalandman]

I know it's not always great to tell people what to do, but like I said, keep it light and fun. Don't try to make ANYTHING happen out of it. Trust me. If a girl kissed you on the first date then you must be a pretty smooth guy. Just get your confidence back. Relax, take it easy. Enjoy yourself and the dating experience. Eventually you'll get over your ex and THEN you'll be in a better situation to meet someone and make something meaningful out of it. Just my 2 cents.

[ken_25]

Really you're just rebounding, as lalalandman did. He just rebounded until he felt okay to be alone. Basically just used women to get past his break up. However I do not know how long his previous relationship lasted.

 

I can't see being with someone for four years and already be dating again. This is the best time to focus on you. I don't suggest to keep seeing this girl, it's highly HIGHLY unlikely you'll make it with her for the long haul. So really you would just be using her to get through your break up. Which even if you really like her, you still don't really know her and you are still using her. To me, that's kind of pathetic.

 

Follow your gut and do what you want, I'm just offering my 2 cents. You can find confidence, self esteem and ego boosts in other ways than seeing a woman. You do not need to be dating right now to feel good about yourself or move on from your ex.

[lalalandman]

To be honest, I understand what you're saying. In a way I was helping myself get over the rejection of being dumped. But you know, it's a 2 way street with dating. I think coincidentally, most of the girls I ended up dating were in the same emotional state as me, or worse. There's a little bit of fate to it. The girls I dated, they had a story too. One time, one time I brought a girl back to her place the next morning, and her RECENT EX BF was waiting at her house!!! Imagine that confrontation! Oh it sucked. He even got my phone number from her phone (I found out they slept together right before our date) and started calling me from Blocked! One girl I dated, she ALSO got out of a relationship a week before I dated her. She showed me his picture, and she eventually broke down crying over him. See what I'm saying? A little bit of sameness, equality, fate, likeness. Now that I look back, I understand more about how people say you attract people who are on your level, so to say. But looking back, I don't regret that dating experience.

 

So I think it's a little callous to say I used women, buddy.

 

 

Just to be clear, in no way shape or form am I telling Sentient6 TO DATE. I'm just giving him some guidance on how to go about the dating scene after a breakup, if he chooses to do so. He's already gone on one date. We can't stop him from going on another. So I'm just trying to give a little perspective.

Edited February 8, 2012 by lalalandman

[Sentient6]

My question is--> How can someone really know if the new person is indeed a rebound or not?? You clearly can't have any honest and true, real feelings about somebody if you don't know them for at least 2 months or maybe even more.

 

And IMO you can't just classify, label something new as a "rebound" right from the start of it. I've seen many of my friends starting new relationships thinking about them as "rebounds" and they ended up lasting longer than their previous relationships and with much greater feelings developed.

 

As for the OK to be alone thing you said, I sure had my time alone among some silly childish relationships before I met my ex but truth be told I really don't know what being alone means taking under consideration that I'm 21 and my last relationship lasted 4 years.The thing I know for sure is that after the BU and up to now it sucks big time. So why not give a chance to something new and risk it than staying alone?

 

There's no intention on my part to "use" this girl as a rebound or something just to get over my ex. I'd never do that, going into something with someone new knowing right from the start of it that it is doomed to fall apart.I like this girl and I 'm really looking forward to see how things will unfold after the 2nd date. And apart from the fact that this will certainly help me overcome the rejection of being dumped like lalalandman said, it may develop into something great despite you think it's highly unlikely.

Edited February 8, 2012 by Sentient6

[ken_25]

To be honest, I understand what you're saying. In a way I was helping myself get over the rejection of being dumped. But you know, it's a 2 way street with dating. I think coincidentally, most of the girls I ended up dating were in the same emotional state as me, or worse. There's a little bit of fate to it. The girls I dated, they had a story too. One time, one time I brought a girl back to her place the next morning, and her RECENT EX BF was waiting at her house!!! Imagine that confrontation! Oh it sucked. He even got my phone number from her phone (I found out they slept together right before our date) and started calling me from Blocked! One girl I dated, she ALSO got out of a relationship a week before I dated her. She showed me his picture, and she eventually broke down crying over him. See what I'm saying? A little bit of sameness, equality, fate, likeness. Now that I look back, I understand more about how people say you attract people who are on your level, so to say. But looking back, I don't regret that dating experience.

 

So I think it's a little callous to say I used women, buddy.

 

 

Just to be clear, in no way shape or form am I telling Sentient6 TO DATE. I'm just giving him some guidance on how to go about the dating scene after a breakup, if he chooses to do so. He's already gone on one date. We can't stop him from going on another. So I'm just trying to give a little perspective.

 

Let me first say wow.. that would be a really awkward situation. haha. Well anyway, I don't believe in fate. You just went on this bad string of rebounds, and it turned into a learning experience for you, so you don't regret it. I feel going about getting through a long term relationship break up and moving forward in this way isn't healthy. There are better ways to deal with it, and would like to see the OP go down a different path than you. As i took your original post as encouragement to date. Whether he does or doesn't, he will still learn and gain experience as you did. I've done the rebound thing after my first love, and then went down a different path after my most recent ex, and for me personally, the path I went down after my most recent ex was the most beneficial without question.

[ken_25]

My question is--> How can someone really know if the new person is indeed a rebound or not?? You clearly can't have any honest and true, real feelings about somebody if you don't know them for at least 2 months or maybe even more.

 

And IMO you can't just classify, label something new as a "rebound" right from the start of it. I've seen many of my friends starting new relationships thinking about them as "rebounds" and they ended up lasting longer than their previous relationships and with much greater feelings developed.

 

As for the OK to be alone thing you said, I sure had my time alone among some silly childish relationships before I met my ex but truth be told I really don't know what being alone means taking under consideration that I'm 21 and my last relationship lasted 4 years.The thing I know for sure is that after the BU and up to now it sucks big time. So why not give a chance to something new and risk it than staying alone?

 

There's no intention on my part to "use" this girl as a rebound or something just to get over my ex. I'd never do that, going into something with someone new knowing right from the start of it that it is doomed to fall apart.I like this girl and I 'm really looking forward to see how things will unfold after the 2nd date. And apart from the fact that this will certainly help me overcome the rejection of being dumped like lalalandman said, it may develop into something great despite you think it's highly unlikely.

 

It's a rebound for you because you are still emotionally attached to your ex. You are not over it, and with good reason. Your first serious relationship right? Well you are in new territory now. You can gain a lot of personal growth right now. You will be marked with a huge red flag. Just because you got out of a 4 year relationship and are already dating. Nothing should get serious for you right now, as lalalandman pointed out. There is a reason as to why he said that. If you really like her, you should give her respect and taking her out and then going home to dwell about your ex isn't it.

 

Of course you're not thinking "I'll just use this girl to feel better and move on". For most they don't realize what they're doing when they rebound. I'm not going to get into it with you here, you seem pretty set in what you want to do. You pursue and do what you want, but you're just tryin to avoid the crappy time after a break up by seeing this girl.

[ken_25]

 

And IMO you can't just classify, label something new as a "rebound" right from the start of it. I've seen many of my friends starting new relationships thinking about them as "rebounds" and they ended up lasting longer than their previous relationships and with much greater feelings developed.

 

Yes you can label it that given the situation. And so what if they lasted longer? I was a rebound for my previous ex, we lasted 3 1/2 years. It was still a rebound relationship. And that was a freaking mess..

[immitable]

I think it is great that you had a succesful date. It seems that you met a nice girl, it is all a part of the learning porcess. Maybe you'll learn from the new girl that not all women are the same ie won't leave you in the rain like your ex did.

Get to know her better, keep it light and listen what she has to say.

Good luck

[Sentient6]

First off, guys thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

 

So after some serious thinking all day long today, I'm in a state where I really find it difficult to decide if I should go on this 2nd date tomorrow or not. But sincerely, I'm leaning towards the latter because even though I like this girl a lot, the thought of my ex is really messing up my mind so much that this date or whatever may follow might end up in a catastrophe. Obviously, I'm not in the appropriate state of mind to start dating again and that's not fair for her(the new girl). The only reason I'm having second thoughts about cancelling the date is that I may be missing a great opportunity here.

 

All I can think about is my ex and our "would be" 4-year anniversary next week. Thoughts like "What should I do?", "Should I call her on that day?", "Would it be best if I waited for her to call me?", are always on my mind. It may sound silly but that day is a really big deal to me and I know that it's gonna suck big time. It's not that I'm expecting anything from her, it's that I don't know how I may react when the day comes.

 

Anyway, I'm 80% cancelling tomorrow's date. Need to clean up my mind first.

[Sentient6]

The only reason I'm having second thoughts about cancelling the date is that I may be missing a great opportunity here.

 

 

So after talking about the pros and the cons of going on that 2nd date with almost every single person I know this morning at college, I finally succumbed to those second thoughts that I mentioned yesterday and we went for a dinner and then for a drink (actually I got back home an hour and a half ago). I also decided to talk to her about my BU.

 

We met downtown and went on a very nice Spanish restaurant where one of my friends works. I was very confused over what to do the moment we met-->Should I make the move to kiss her or not? I decided to go with the latter, so I didn't.(I must admit it felt a little awkward at first, because there had been a serious fight going on in my mind about that). What are your thoughts on this?

 

Long story short, we had a great time at the restaurant. Turns out we have many more common interests than I knew after the 1st date. She also, showed a lot of interest in what I'm studying (Corporate Finance and Managerial Accounting, something my ex never did). I mentioned what I was studying on our 1st date and she didn't show a lot of interest then. Maybe I got her studying a lil bit lol.. So I paid for everything at the restaurant and then I suggested we go for drink.

 

While at the bar, I initiated the topic and we started talking about past relationships. Turns out she recently got out of a long relationship too (1,5 year back in September), she told me it was painful etc at first but she's getting along pretty well with her ex right now just as friends. I don't know what to assume of that, but to me it seems very unsettling. Anyway, she said that she has dated 5 men since then, nothing serious developed.

 

Then, I told her about my ex and our BU, about how I am feeling about it right now and how NC has worked well for me so far. When I mentioned that we were together for 4 years with no breaks she seemed a little shocked tbh. It really was very awkward for me speaking to her about my ex and telling her about our BU down to the detail. She seemed to understand my situation though.

 

When we left(she paid) the bar, I escorted her to one of her friends house near there where she 'd spend the night. We were walking hand-in-hand for most of the way.Finally, when I made the move to kiss her, we ended up making out for like 10 mimutes! Boy, it felt nice!! I promised to give her a call one of those days to go to the movies.

 

So, any thoughts guys? Did I do the right thing talking to her about my ex in such detail?? Can that turn against me? What do you think about her being "good friends" with her ex? Should that make me worry or not?

Edited February 10, 2012 by Sentient6

[Cmac]

Honestly, if anyone has to be worried about the ex creeping back into the picture it's her, as you're clearly not over your ex. The fact she is able to be friends with hers suggests that any lingering feelings she may have had for him are resolved.

[ken_25]

Well I find it kind of early to go into such detail about the ex you just got out of a relationship with. Kinda shows you aren't over it, and it being nearly four years long I think it was a big red flag you started waving around. If you want things to develop more with her, it could come back to hurt your chances. But it might not end up making a difference.

 

It's a red flag that she hasn't taken time to process and get over her ex, as she's dated 6 total guys since September and is still talking to the ex. Just because she's talking to him and they're on good terms doesn't mean things are resolved as the above poster mentioned. They could still be hooking up, keeping eachother around as a fall back, he might be stringing her along and she's hanging on for another chance with him... there are a number of possibilities here. She could be over him, and they've managed to remain friends. We can't know, and you may not truly know what's going on. The fact you found it unsettling is something you should pay attention to. Your instinct sensed something, so be aware.

 

My previous ex had told me she was over her ex, and moved on but was still hanging out with him sometimes when I met her. She told me all these things about being past it and blah blah blah, then four months in she cheats on me with him. Didn't tell me until we broke up 3 years later, and she explained how she wasn't over him, she still wanted him, but she also liked me. And messing around with him again brought closure as he rejected her afterwards. So, you never can truly know. I'm not telling you this to scare you, or push you away from her, but it's a personal experience I had that you should hear to understand what can very well happen. So be cautious, but she needs to be cautious of you as well.

 

My stance on your situation is to back away, but i understand why you wouldn't, and sometimes you just have to learn certain things for yourself. Just please follow your instinct, let that help guide you more than us or your friends.

[Slooop]

Tell me Sentient, how much time to you spend depressed about your current situation while you're alone vs while you are on these dates?

 

Answer us that and I think YOU'LL have your answer. You seem to use the words, "had a great time" every time you talk about this new girl. So why sit home and brood? Enjoy yourself! Stop worrying about whether you're doing the right thing all the time. Let go and live your life. Who cares whether your're seeing this girl to forget about your ex? You enjoy spending time with her? So spend freaking time with her dude!

 

Life is too short for this constant worry! Enjoy it! There's no CORRECT path. Forget about the ex, as everyone else is correct in saying you will eventually come to terms with why you were not right for eachother. As for this new girl, you are not betrothed to be married, she knows about your past situation, and you've enjoyed yourself everytime you've been with her. So, get out of your own head and enjoy yourself, it's the quickest way to heal.

[Sentient6]

After some serious thinking and conversations with friends the last 4-5 days I came to realise that like sloop said there's indeed NO correct path which I should choose. Although I'm still thinking a lil bit about her (my ex) and I know that I can't instantly stop it, I'm trying to enjoy every single second of my life and have no regrets.

 

So for the last 3-4 days we 've started texting other (with the new girl, let's call her "J") and have short phone calls on a daily basis, which I like a lot 'coz it seems to me like this can get somewhere. Nothing official yet though. I must also mention that we haven't talked about exes AT ALL since the last time we were out.

 

Yesterday, she reminded me of this promise I gave her the last time we were out about going to the movies and also said that this friend of hers kinda likes one of my friends (one of the guys I was out with the day I met her) and asked me if I could arrange something. My friend fancied the idea (of course:p, he's been single for over a year now and that's killing him) from the start. So we went on a double date.

 

Before going to the movies we decided to go for a drink. Me and my friend suggested that we go to a coffee-bar in my neighborhood where my cousin works as a DJ.

 

And guess who's the first person I see when we walk into the bar. And ofc it's her (my ex)...I didn't know she had returned from college, so she literally was the last person I expected to see. She was there with one of her friends having coffee.

 

So after the awkwardness of the first seconds and after the other 3 sat down with my cousin, I went there to say hi, because I didn't want to look like a complete jerk by not even saying hi to her. We hugged and she asked me how I'm doing, had a lil chit chat about my exams and then I said goobye and went to the others, which seemed to take her by surprise (the fact that I didn't stay with her for a couple more minutes and didn't ask her anything AT ALL about her).

 

I must admit that this affected me a lot. I was trying to play cool but tbh I was a lil bit distant from "J" while at the bar. No kissing at stuff, just some touching here and there and some cuddling, which I tried to keep as low as possible. Thank god, the others were with us and she prolly didn't notice my tension, bc she didn't tell me anything afterwards. I also didn't tell "J" that this girl is my ex. The good thing is that she didn't even ask me who that was. Thus I didn't have to lie to her or make things uncomfortable by saying that this is my ex, especially in front of our friends.

 

I didn't glance at my ex AT ALL while we were there.

 

The thing is that after we left the place my friend told me (and my cousin afterwards when we talked on the phone) that she AND her friend were staring at us for at least an hour while we were there. And they were staring especially at "J" (we were holding hands when we walked in and they might have noticed that, 'coz like I mentioned I tried to keep any body contact to the lowest while sitting there), but thank god she didn't realize it.

 

After the bar we went to watch "Chronicle" and we had a great time. We were holding hands during the entire film with some kissing here and there..Like a couple! Anyway, we drove them home after the movie and I and my friend went to his place.

 

I'm so confused again. Why would she (my ex) be staring at us with such a nasty look on her face? She also made her friend check on us while they were leaving the place and every single time she went to the toilet (I noticed that myself). Wouldn't she at least act indifferent if she indeed was interested? What do you guys think? Any thoughts? Also, do you think that maybe I'm taking it too slow with "J"? I mean this was our 3rd date and I haven't even suggested that she come to see my place or something.

Edited February 14, 2012 by Sentient6

[Cmac]

Taking it too slow? No, you're not taking it too slow, it seems the opposite to me. You clearly aren't even close to being ready to date her yet if seeing your ex had that much of an effect on you. If you really must continue to see her I suggest you continue to take it slow.

[Sentient6]

So you say that if you had broken up with your ex with whom you were together for 4 years 2 months ago, went NC for 30+ days now and you ran into her/him while outside on a date, it wouldn't affect you at all???? I mean, if that happened on the 7th or 8th month of NC, I can clearly see your point. But it's been only 2 months.

 

I really don't like to rush things. Taking it slow doesn't bother me. The thing that I'm afraid of is that she might lose interest in me if I don't make a move by our say 8th-10th date. Don't you think that such a possibility exists?

[Cmac]

You're kinda backing up my point here when you keep emphasising that its only been 2 months. 2 months isn't enough time to heal from a break up on a 4 year relationship. Obviously no one can tell you what to do. I can only go by what you're telling me, and it seems like you aren't nearly over your ex enough to be considering a relationship with anyone else. Hence why I told you that if you really must keep seeing her you owe it to the both of you to take it slow and give your feelings for your ex a chance to fade.