garycoleman Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 (edited) Usually when I'm seeing a new girl, it seems like she loses interest fast when she finds out I don't have any friends, probably because she thinks I'm a loser. . Even though I don't have any friends, I don't act clingy or needy to girls because I still have other things to do. I used to have a circle of 8 good friends while I was in college a few years ago. Ever since I graduated we have lost touch. I have acquaintances and co-workers I get a long with but I don't consider them friends because we are not in the same age range or share the same interests. I do have siblings and cousins in the same age range as me who I hang out with. So do girls find it a turn off if a guy doesn't have any friends? Edited February 7, 2012 by garycoleman
Meeks7 Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 I always say and believe firmly in the notion that birds of similar feathers flock together. Meaning, in this case, if you have no friends, a girl would be OK with it if she herself has no friends. But for someone to have no friends and date someone else who has a decent amount of friends -- it just rarely works out. I'd say most girls are turned off (esp. if they have ANY friends themselves) by guys with 0 friends. It's simply because those guys are loners, and loners usually have some sort of (social) issues. I'm not saying you need to have GOOD friends, but at least people you can call friends. I don't think it's shallow, either, for the record. I mean, even "ugly" people have friends. It's not about looks, it's about social functioning and how vulnerable you're willing to be. Show me a loner and I'll show you someone who isn't living life to the fullest. Friends help us experience the richer aspects of life. Trust, sharing, vulnerability, insight, perspective, etc. Iron sharpens iron. If you don't have friends, you don't really have anyone to help "sharpen" you, and that means you're not growing as much as you could be.
Emilia Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Usually when I'm seeing a new girl, it seems like she loses interest fast when she finds out I don't have any friends, probably because she thinks I'm a loser. . Even though I don't have any friends, I don't act clingy or needy to girls because I still have other things to do. I used to have a circle of 8 good friends while I was in college a few years ago. Ever since I graduated we have lost touch. I have acquaintances and co-workers I get a long with but I don't consider them friends because we are not in the same age range or share the same interests. I do have siblings and cousins in the same age range as me who I hang out with. So do girls find it a turn off if a guy doesn't have any friends? You are not selling yourself right. Even though your cousins and siblings are strictly speaking your family, you still hang out with them as friends so they count as friends. Plenty of people do this. It's good that you don't call any Tom, Dick and Harry a friend but you don't want to give the impression that you are not social - because you are by the sound of it. Don't get too technical on the definition of friends basically Girls just want to know whether you have good social skills.
oldguy Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 (edited) This line just cracked me up:lmao::lmao: I don't think it's shallow, I mean, even "ugly" people have friends. :laugh: Friends help us experience the richer aspects of life. Trust, sharing, vulnerability, insight, perspective, etc. Iron sharpens iron. If you don't have friends, you don't really have anyone to help "sharpen" you, and that means you're not growing as much as you could be. This is a good point. I also agree with the following; You are not selling yourself right. Even though your cousins and siblings are strictly speaking your family, you still hang out with them as friends so they count as friends. Plenty of people do this. It's good that you don't call any Tom, Dick and Harry a friend but you don't want to give the impression that you are not social - because you are by the sound of it. Don't get too technical on the definition of friends basically I always do an eye roll when people talk about; "there 50, (or more), closest friends". Most of us have only a handful of real "friends" at best. I've also noticed that many people who have loads of friends usually consider their doctor, bartender, therapist even their landlords all their friends. There is a huge difference between being friendly & being friends. So you are probably just one of us who are more discriminant about who you call a friend. Edited February 7, 2012 by oldguy
make me believe Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 You are not selling yourself right. Even though your cousins and siblings are strictly speaking your family, you still hang out with them as friends so they count as friends. Plenty of people do this. It's good that you don't call any Tom, Dick and Harry a friend but you don't want to give the impression that you are not social - because you are by the sound of it. Don't get too technical on the definition of friends basically Girls just want to know whether you have good social skills. I agree with this! I also agree with oldguy about how annoying it is when people consider every random acquaintance their "friend." My husband has way more friends & acquaintances than I do. Honestly, I basically spend my free time with my two sisters and my best friend if I'm not with my husband. He doesn't think it's weird. He thinks it's nice that I'm friends with my sisters (he wishes he had a similar relationship with his brother), and he thinks it's awesome that I've been friends with my BFF for so long (since I was 11 and I'm 28 now). Oh yeah, and my best friend... her main other friends are her cousins. Idk, maybe we ARE weird? lol OP, if girls are bolting when they find out you 'don't have any friends' I wonder how you're rolling that out for them. You seem to have plenty of acquaintances who you're friendly with, and you're close to your family. I personally wouldn't find anything strange about that, especially when explain that you drifted apart from your college friends & that most of your co-workers are older than you. I think it can be really difficult for adults to make friends because we don't have a built in way of meeting and socializing with people like we did in school.
Jane2011 Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Good question... I've dated a few guys who seemed to have little social life, and I was fine with it. In fact, two of them (out of the three I'm thinking of), I even liked...a lot. The thing is, they had good social skills and did have friends in general, just none that they seemed to hang with very regularly. Kind of like...they were those guys who could reference a friend or two, but they (the friends) were someone they hadn't seen in months and didn't talk to much. The last guy I dated was one of the ones who had few friends, but he had a good personality and he also had at least one good friend that I knew of. I've gone in phases, myself. While I was in grad school, I had tons of friends (even more than I could handle). Ever since I graduated and have grown away from plenty of them, I think I now have a "reasonable" # of friends, neither too many nor too few. But I still wouldn't mind dating a guy with few friends. Means he just relies on me more, wants to spend more time with me, etc. And I'm okay with that because even though I have a good share of friends, at heart I am a relationship/couple person not a social butterfly person. (I'm just happy to have friends for emotional support, heart-to-heart talks over lunch and dinner, and people to go out with while I'm single). (Almost every friend I have who used to be single but is now in a relationship...has less time for me ever since they got into a relationship, and I don't begrudge them. In turn, I don't feel at all guilty about having less time for friends when I am in a relationship...)
irc333 Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Well, define "Friend" I can only count the number of TRUE reliable friends on one hand. But when if you're using the word "friends" as in general people you hang out with and you have a social life, well, I do that, too. I get out and socialize with those friends. I think my pool is growing, too. Though, I have noticed, and the irony to all this, when someone couples up and become boyfriend/girlfriends....they very rarely spend anytime with their social circle and only with each other. Though, they may pop in, once in a while for an evening of catching up, perhaps around the Holidays, then they slip back into exclusively spending time with each other. I see healthy relationships like this, though some might not think that. But, apparently it's working for them. I always say and believe firmly in the notion that birds of similar feathers flock together. Meaning, in this case, if you have no friends, a girl would be OK with it if she herself has no friends. But for someone to have no friends and date someone else who has a decent amount of friends -- it just rarely works out. I'd say most girls are turned off (esp. if they have ANY friends themselves) by guys with 0 friends. It's simply because those guys are loners, and loners usually have some sort of (social) issues. I'm not saying you need to have GOOD friends, but at least people you can call friends. I don't think it's shallow, either, for the record. I mean, even "ugly" people have friends. It's not about looks, it's about social functioning and how vulnerable you're willing to be. Show me a loner and I'll show you someone who isn't living life to the fullest. Friends help us experience the richer aspects of life. Trust, sharing, vulnerability, insight, perspective, etc. Iron sharpens iron. If you don't have friends, you don't really have anyone to help "sharpen" you, and that means you're not growing as much as you could be.
Jane2011 Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 (edited) Curious as to how others define someone as a good friend. Here's my own criteria. I consider someone a friend if 1) I could text them or call them any time and it not be like "hmmm...strange hearing from you." 2) they know about my personal/relationship situations and I'm very raw, vulnerable, and honest about those situations when talking to them-- and vice versa, 3) we get together regularly (at least once every month if we're living in the same city). If they are out of town because of a move (which some friends of mine are), we get together when they come into town, and there's no question that we would get together when they are. I also consider a person a friend if #1 and # 2 are true, and a slight variation of # 3...we haven't seen each other in a long while because of distance or busy-ness but we have spent time together in the past, at least three times, alone or in a small group, with the intent to see each other, not just some accidental 'hang out' that occurred because we were both invited to the same thing. By the above criteria, I currently have four good female friends, and three good male friends. Two out of those seven are out of town. Everyone else in my life is in a range from just falling short of the above criteria as a 'casual friend' or 'nice pal' to pretty distant Facebook-friend-type friend... And oh yeah, I definitely think siblings and cousins count as friends if you hang out with them like that. One guy I dated long ago, his social life seemed to be hanging out with his sister and her boyfriend. I considered it as valid as any friendship. He and his sister were very close in age. (not that that matters).... Edited February 7, 2012 by Jane2011
somedude81 Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 How are you telling girls that you don't have any friends?
carhill Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 I recall, somewhat humorously, after a camping trip where we got flooded out of our tent, my exW (we were then dating) mentioning in passing that I didn't have many friends. At the time I was a bit taken aback but she did make sense that I didn't have 'many' friends, maybe eight or ten good ones, at that time all male except for one female best friend of many years. The strange part was that most of them were surrounding us as we got flooded out. We still camp together, long after exW moved on to greener pastures and did her level best (according to them) to 'turn' them. Ah, well, that's life. Perhaps that's the lesson OP. You have had friends. You do have friends. You have healthy relationships. If a woman finds that to be a 'turn-off', she knows where to find the door and hopefully quickly.
Author garycoleman Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 You are not selling yourself right. Even though your cousins and siblings are strictly speaking your family, you still hang out with them as friends so they count as friends. Plenty of people do this. It's good that you don't call any Tom, Dick and Harry a friend but you don't want to give the impression that you are not social - because you are by the sound of it. Don't get too technical on the definition of friends basically Girls just want to know whether you have good social skills. my social skills aren't the best either because i'm quite shy. But I feel more comfortable around out going girls who do most of the talking. The last girl I dated was quiet and shy and it was hard for me going out with her because I had to try to come up with things to talk about and there were a lot of awkward silences. Although it was awkward between us, I was willing to try to build / work things out but she didn't and gave up. I thought 2 shy people dating would be a good match until I dated her but it ended up being more difficult and weird. If I had good social skills and out going, it would probably turn out better.
Author garycoleman Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 How are you telling girls that you don't have any friends? When we talk about what we do on a free time and she asks what I do with my friends, I tell I don't have any friends because we lost touch since they have become occupied with their wives/gfs/family
FitChick Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 I almost would prefer that a man had few friends because then he'd have more time to spend with me. However, I have had more problems with a man's relatives who interfere, or try to, with his social/love life.
poodle Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 It's only an issue for me if the guy doesn't know what to do with his time. I actually prefer someone who chooses to spend his time on work or hobbies than on socializing. To me it seems that people with lots of friends often don't know what to do when they're alone and that's a turn-off for me.
ditzchic Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 It's only an issue for me if the guy doesn't know what to do with his time. I actually prefer someone who chooses to spend his time on work or hobbies than on socializing. To me it seems that people with lots of friends often don't know what to do when they're alone and that's a turn-off for me. Agreed. I dated a guy once who would always tout "My friends are my life." He was 28. It always made me think 'Wait. Other people's lives are your life? Who are YOU when no one else is around?'. He was also the guy that had nothing to talk about but stories of his "glory days" from high school and college and he was such a gossip!! I knew things about friends of his I never met that really weren't any of my business. It was a huge turn-off and gave me a kind of paranoia that I would just end up being another one of his stories. I prefer a nice balanced guy. Someone who likes being social and knows the benefits of interacting with the world but he is still his own man who knows how important it is to be his own separate person with his own thoughts and feelings. I'm a pretty social lady but my friends are definitely not my life. They are a supplement.
Author garycoleman Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 If you brag about your friends to a girl, that is considered a DHV (demonstration of higher value)?
Shaun-Dro Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Usually when I'm seeing a new girl, it seems like she loses interest fast when she finds out I don't have any friends, probably because she thinks I'm a loser. . Even though I don't have any friends, I don't act clingy or needy to girls because I still have other things to do. I used to have a circle of 8 good friends while I was in college a few years ago. Ever since I graduated we have lost touch. I have acquaintances and co-workers I get a long with but I don't consider them friends because we are not in the same age range or share the same interests. I do have siblings and cousins in the same age range as me who I hang out with. So do girls find it a turn off if a guy doesn't have any friends? It really shouldn't matter to anyone whether you have friends or not. It's up to you to either make friends if desired or remain a loner. I'm a loner by nature because I find comfort in doing things on my own terms, without a second person tagging along, giving me their opinion or disagreeing with it. To me, I prefer it that way. I have a solid circle of acquaintaces that I do see from time-to-time; those I gone to school or work with, but I do not consider them "friends" in the true meaning of the word. I don't share my beliefs with them. I don't have any real trust in them. I'm happier just associating about sports or movies and then moving along. A woman should only be concerned about you having friends if you're not happy about it, which could become a burden in her life. If you don't care, neither should she.
Emilia Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 my social skills aren't the best either because i'm quite shy. But I feel more comfortable around out going girls who do most of the talking. The last girl I dated was quiet and shy and it was hard for me going out with her because I had to try to come up with things to talk about and there were a lot of awkward silences. Although it was awkward between us, I was willing to try to build / work things out but she didn't and gave up. I thought 2 shy people dating would be a good match until I dated her but it ended up being more difficult and weird. If I had good social skills and out going, it would probably turn out better. It's just practice. After a while BS just starts coming out of your mouth Seriously though, once you have had dates with several girls you learn how to recycle the same initial chit chat - until you get to know them and able to talk about more meaningful things. If you didn't enjoy more outgoing people I'd worry but it seems you appreciate others' social skills, it's only a matter of time before you get better at this.
chphan Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Usually when I'm seeing a new girl, it seems like she loses interest fast when she finds out I don't have any friends, probably because she thinks I'm a loser. . Even though I don't have any friends, I don't act clingy or needy to girls because I still have other things to do. I used to have a circle of 8 good friends while I was in college a few years ago. Ever since I graduated we have lost touch. I have acquaintances and co-workers I get a long with but I don't consider them friends because we are not in the same age range or share the same interests. I do have siblings and cousins in the same age range as me who I hang out with. So do girls find it a turn off if a guy doesn't have any friends? If it makes you feel any better you aren't alone. I don't really have any real friends too. I'm not a loner by nature but more of by environment. But its okay because I've been able to adapt during the years. It was alot easier making friends and having friends back in school when everyone is about the same age with the same interest. But after school people go their separate ways with careers, other schools, and such. Those so called school friends becomr more distant friends as life takes you away and next thing you know you lose contact with them over the years. I have co-workers who I talk to and stuff but in the end they are from different races, different languages, and different age so forming some really strong bond is hard. These days the only people I can find a real interest in terms of having anything in common with is online. lol. As for if girl find it a turn off. I think some consider it a red flag but there's nothing you can do about it. A girl that really likes you wouldn't care about how many friends you have, she would care more about how you treat her or how you are as person. That sound a bit political correct but its true. Might take awhile to find that special person though. The only problem for me is that other person need to be a bit more outgoing than me. Since I don't really have any friends its a bit hard for me to carry a conversations since basically my life isn't that interesting. 2 people who's social life isn't that great isn't going to work. You need to have a girl who's every outgoing and talkactive to counter balance you.
somedude81 Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 When we talk about what we do on a free time and she asks what I do with my friends, I tell I don't have any friends because we lost touch since they have become occupied with their wives/gfs/family And that's where you messed up. You shouldn't admit to not having friends. Just talk about the things you used to do. Then redirect to her.
make me believe Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 And that's where you messed up. You shouldn't admit to not having friends. Just talk about the things you used to do. Then redirect to her. Yeah, I agree your delivery could definitely use some work. In your situation I'd probably say something like "well, I've lost touch with some of my grad school friends because they've gotten busy with wives & kids, but I hang out with my cousins a lot and we like to do xyz." Or actually, maybe even just leave out the losing touch part, and tell her about the stuff you do with your cousins. OR you could mention stuff you used to do with friends, like "I used to love camping with friends but haven't done that in awhile. I'd love to get back into it though!"
Author garycoleman Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 It really shouldn't matter to anyone whether you have friends or not. It's up to you to either make friends if desired or remain a loner. I'm a loner by nature because I find comfort in doing things on my own terms, without a second person tagging along, giving me their opinion or disagreeing with it. To me, I prefer it that way. I have a solid circle of acquaintaces that I do see from time-to-time; those I gone to school or work with, but I do not consider them "friends" in the true meaning of the word. I don't share my beliefs with them. I don't have any real trust in them. I'm happier just associating about sports or movies and then moving along. A woman should only be concerned about you having friends if you're not happy about it, which could become a burden in her life. If you don't care, neither should she. It would be nice if I have a good circle of friends again, but my lack of having friends does not really make me sad because I have a lot of close family members/relatives who can help me or hang out with.
TheFinalWord Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Yeah, I agree your delivery could definitely use some work. In your situation I'd probably say something like "well, I've lost touch with some of my grad school friends because they've gotten busy with wives & kids, but I hang out with my cousins a lot and we like to do xyz." Or actually, maybe even just leave out the losing touch part, and tell her about the stuff you do with your cousins. OR you could mention stuff you used to do with friends, like "I used to love camping with friends but haven't done that in awhile. I'd love to get back into it though!" Yeah, its in your delivery. Just say you do. Women like to hear it, although they probably don't realize our definition of a friend is completely different. Men don't sit around talking about their problems. It's just not what we do. I know Dr. Phil will tell us how wrong that is, but it's not a big deal to us. We don't process our emotions the same way. How many men have "bromances" lol not many. I have like two guys I can talk to about my problems. Mainly because I consider them a guru in some area and value their opinions. Men may have some friends, but rarely is it more than watching a game together...or going out together to a sports bar. Basically, a friend for a guy is someone you watch games with I don't know how this really provides social skills, but let women believe it does. Women tend to have many more friends because they seek validation from one another. Men could care less what another guy thinks 99% of the time and 99% of the time their friends don't care either.
Author garycoleman Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 It's just practice. After a while BS just starts coming out of your mouth Seriously though, once you have had dates with several girls you learn how to recycle the same initial chit chat - until you get to know them and able to talk about more meaningful things. If you didn't enjoy more outgoing people I'd worry but it seems you appreciate others' social skills, it's only a matter of time before you get better at this. I hooked up with a co-worker who was working here years ago. She was the outgoing party type girl. I didn't even do much to charm her and she was really into me. So she was easily kept satisfied without me having to do much. And in college, several girls were the same way too. I didn't have to do much to keep them sticking around. With shy/quiet girls, it's a complete 180 with me.
Author garycoleman Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 And that's where you messed up. You shouldn't admit to not having friends. Just talk about the things you used to do. Then redirect to her. Yeah, I agree your delivery could definitely use some work. In your situation I'd probably say something like "well, I've lost touch with some of my grad school friends because they've gotten busy with wives & kids, but I hang out with my cousins a lot and we like to do xyz." Or actually, maybe even just leave out the losing touch part, and tell her about the stuff you do with your cousins. OR you could mention stuff you used to do with friends, like "I used to love camping with friends but haven't done that in awhile. I'd love to get back into it though!" yeah, you guys are right. I shouldn't have been so blunt about it. I will chalk this up as a learning experience I used to do a lot of fun activities with friends like bowling & pool which I can steer girls in the future too. However most activities I do nowadays I do alone, like working out, nature photography, and racing my car at the track.
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