befreckled Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 The bf and I have been together for just over a year. We are good together and rarely fight both together and apart. When we do have a disagreement, it is usually about our distance and having an end date. Well, I fight and he just listens and tries his best to assure me. When I was with him last, I asked him if this relationship was important (Yes, it is) and if there's a focus on ending the distance (Yes, there is). Recently, I've been truly unhappy with work and I am considering going back to school. In part to end the distance and in part because I am tired of what I do for a living and am seeking a mid-career change. We had a casual conversation yesterday where I decided to pursue options to study - 1. submit application for studies which will begin in 2013. I realised today that I could do this now and the school would let me know if I'm accepted within the three months. I made him "shake" on it that if I got accepted, he'd move back regardless of a job situation (he has a job right now where he is but not one if he moves back but is able to work a couple of part-time jobs though it wouldn't be as good for his career professionally) Today, I was super excited about finding out plans for my application and shared it with him and I asked him again if he was ready to move back regardless and he renegade on his initial agreement - he said that it was a good idea but he was leaning on getting a job before he moved back and when pressed about if he would move without a job that he wasn't decided on that yet. ARGH. :mad::mad::mad: Here am I ready to drop my job and move to a different freaking bloody continent and dig into my life savings to study (yes, it's for me but it's also for us) and he can't get to mean what he said. With the time difference, he said that he wasn't in the right frame of mind to speak about this and I feel so stupid for being so excited that he has finally gotten here. Is it a red flag? When we were together in Dec, I asked him if he had thought of marriage to end the distance and he said that he has not because he never considered it as an option because you don't truly know a person unless you are in the same place which I agree to but it isn't always conventional. What should I do? I think I'm going to be NC for awhile because I don't want him to think that I'm going to be there regardless because I won't be. :(:(
FitChick Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 If I were him, I wouldn't move some place with no firm job offer. He has until 2013 to find a job where you are. Why can't you find a job or university where he is?
KathyM Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 I think it's pretty hard to make a drastic move for a relationship that you don't know if it's going to work out or not, and you don't know the other person well enough. Maybe you should get to know him better first before putting those kinds of expectations on him. It doesn't sound like your relationship with him is solid enough yet for him to make that kind of major decision to move.
wildgeese Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 I have to say that I agree with the other posters and as well as with his reluctance. Moving just to work a couple of part-time jobs that may not even be in his career path isn't really the best idea. It sets you both up for resentful feelings and a shaky foundation for your (recently close distance) relationship. He needs to move there feeling secure and you should be supportive of that. What about applying for schools where he is and moving there? You said yourself that you were looking for a change. To me, closing the distance in a LDR is incredibly important. But it has to be done maturely and in the best way possible for both parties. If one person is having issues with an aspect of it, then that issue absolutely needs to be dealt with otherwise it will create problems down the line. It sounds like you're wanting your way no matter what, which isn't exactly the best way to deal with things. You're supposed to be partners in a relationship and come to a common agreement. Yes, you're upset he "went back on his word", but listen to what he's really saying. He's being logical about the situation and is absolutely right about marriage. I think you two need to have a real talk about things.
folieadeux Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 I don't think it's a red flag per se...he's just being honest. It doesn't sound like he's in the same place as you are in regards to your relationship. You're willing to relocate without a job and he (at this point anyway) is not. He's just being cautious because it sounds like he just may not be ready for the same things you are at this point. It's up to you to decide whether or not you're willing to wait.
Author befreckled Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) If I were him, I wouldn't move some place with no firm job offer. He has until 2013 to find a job where you are. Why can't you find a job or university where he is? If it was a completely new city, I'd understand but this is the city he grew up in, where his family is, where his friends are. I'm the one that is uprooting. A job where he is at is quite difficult - We aren't just talking about a different city, its an entire different country and we all know how difficult it is to get a job in the US, much less from a different country. I had option to study in the US but it's far too expensive and we discussed this but he doesn't want to stay in the US either so he'll move as soon as he has a job that opens up in his own country. I think it's pretty hard to make a drastic move for a relationship that you don't know if it's going to work out or not, and you don't know the other person well enough. Maybe you should get to know him better first before putting those kinds of expectations on him. It doesn't sound like your relationship with him is solid enough yet for him to make that kind of major decision to move. I agree that it is a drastic move and we've been together over a year long distance, we chat daily, we speak often, I find it difficult to believe that I don't know him well enough but you are right about perhaps the r/s isn't solid enough for this kind of decision. It sets you both up for resentful feelings and a shaky foundation for your (recently close distance) relationship. He needs to move there feeling secure and you should be supportive of that. What about applying for schools where he is and moving there? You said yourself that you were looking for a change.. I definitely agree with you that it sets us up for resentful feelings and it is not something that I want. At the same time, I need a plan and if I go ahead with a career change in my own city, it means that I'm stuck here for at least another year or so. I don't know if that's what i want either. It's difficult to make a decision now because it feels like i'm expecting to look at a crystal ball..I definitely want us to start off on the right foot. As for going to school where he is at, it is possible but much more expensive and his focus is moving back to his own country so, I could have signed up for school only to have him get a job and then move, I'm left there all alone! That would be even more nuts. It doesn't sound like he's in the same place as you are in regards to your relationship. You're willing to relocate without a job and he (at this point anyway) is not. He's just being cautious because it sounds like he just may not be ready for the same things you are at this point. It's up to you to decide whether or not you're willing to wait. We've had a conversation and discussed our option. We cannot rush his lack of a job so I'll proceed with my school application and even if I am accepted, I dont have to attend unless we get our ducks lined up and that way, it makes things alot easier because at least there's a Plan B. If he gets a job later in the year, I might have to wait another year before I can apply so we've decided that i ought to go ahead and apply to expand our choices. Who knows, he might be more ready in 6 months and decide to move without a job on his own accord? Either way, it's tough stuff. Edited February 13, 2012 by befreckled
Gottman Institute Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I think taking some time to figure out if you are truly on the same page and headed in the same direction might be wise. Unfortunately, that can be a hard thing to do from different cities. You might have just come to a place where you have to go all in and take the risk and then deal with the consequences if it doesn't go as you planned.
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