starla33 Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 So i went out with this guy this weekend and in person he mentioned his kid....I figured I must have missed this in his profile for some reason (which is odd since I never would go out with a person with a child). I just looked at his profile right now. And it says HE DOESN"T HAVE ANY KIDS. Lying this badly from the get go is a huge red flag for me. What do you guys think?
neowulf Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Lying this badly from the get go is a huge red flag for me. What do you guys think? I think you just answered your own question. On the one hand, I get it. He's trying to get around the fact that for a large chunk of people, children from a previous relationship are a deal breaker. He wants you to meet him first and judge him on his merits, rather than passing him over because he has a child. However, the world is what it is. Lying about it won't help bring you around. If children from a previous relationship are a deal breaker for you, then yes, he's wasted your time. Personally, I'm with you. I have no desire to help raise another persons children, nor the desire to get in the middle of my partner and her ex-spouse if they share custody. I've seen to much drama in the past to believe it's worth it.
Author starla33 Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 I wouldn't have gone out with him most likely if i saw this in his profile. And you are right he was a cool guy in person and I would have gone out with him again I guess, but seeing as how he LIED about something so big i don't think i will.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 So i went out with this guy this weekend and in person he mentioned his kid....I figured I must have missed this in his profile for some reason (which is odd since I never would go out with a person with a child). I just looked at his profile right now. And it says HE DOESN"T HAVE ANY KIDS. Lying this badly from the get go is a huge red flag for me. What do you guys think? I accidentally plugged in an incorrect birth year on this dating website and didn't realize it until some lady accused me of being a liar. Why would a 30yo guy pretend to be 33 to date a 28yo? Clerical errors are allowed in life, and maybe it was intentional... maybe it wasn't. If you don't like kids, don't go out with him again. I'm thinking he told you up front on the first date... so unless you paid for his meal... just do everyone a favor and shut up.
Author starla33 Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 I accidentally plugged in an incorrect birth year on this dating website and didn't realize it until some lady accused me of being a liar. Why would a 30yo guy pretend to be 33 to date a 28yo? Clerical errors are allowed in life, and maybe it was intentional... maybe it wasn't. If you don't like kids, don't go out with him again. I'm thinking he told you up front on the first date... so unless you paid for his meal... just do everyone a favor and shut up. Excuse me what? You are letting a liar slide? Nice one. Lying about a kid is a little more serious than adding a few years to your age.
FrustratedStandards Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 I've been in this situation before. The reason he lied about having kids is because he doesn't want women like you (who don't want to date a man with kids) to write him off right away just because of that. Dump him NOW. Men have lied to me about that, and not only did it PISS ME OFF, the situation only got worse because of my resentment for the kid. Both of us got hurt, and it all started with this lie. They want to get involved with a great gal who wont "judge" him based on that, when it's a huge factor altogether. They can be incredible men, but a kid is a kid and nothing will ever change that. Trust me on this one. As tolerant as I am, if you don't want a man with kids, it will never work.
KathyM Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Lying about anything on a dating website just seems so manipulative to me. It gets people to meet you under false pretenses, and sets the relationship off on a bad foot from the start. The lying is what would be a dealbreaker for me if I were in that situation.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Excuse me what? You are letting a liar slide? Nice one. Lying about a kid is a little more serious than adding a few years to your age. No he didn't lie! The guy told you straight to your face. If you don't like guys with kids, don't date him again. Stop freaking out. What exactly did you lose here? So what if the guy didn't mention it in his profile? You sound like you are wanting to schedule an execution. Just get over it and move on. What he did was dumb... your reaction is spiteful.
Andy_K Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 I can kind of understand where he's coming from. I've got a daughter from a previous relationship, and initially I was terrified nobody would go near me with a barge pole. But I put it on my profile anyway and I had plenty of dates and a relationship since then. Perhaps I'd have been swamped with offers if I didn't. I'll never know! The trouble is, by meeting people like you he's reinforcing that fear instead of bypassing it by only meeting people who are okay with it. If he was THAT slimy and manipulative. he'd not mention it until after sex, so at least give him some credit for being reasonably honest in person.
Emilia Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 No he didn't lie! The guy told you straight to your face. If you don't like guys with kids, don't date him again. Stop freaking out. What exactly did you lose here? So what if the guy didn't mention it in his profile? You sound like you are wanting to schedule an execution. Just get over it and move on. What he did was dumb... your reaction is spiteful. I understand why the OP is upset. Here is a cool guy she finally likes... only to find out there is a major dealbreaker. It happened to me as well though in a different context. It can be gutting when you get your hopes up, you meet someone you like only to have a bombshell dropped that cancels the whole deal.
Author starla33 Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 I understand why the OP is upset. Here is a cool guy she finally likes... only to find out there is a major dealbreaker. It happened to me as well though in a different context. It can be gutting when you get your hopes up, you meet someone you like only to have a bombshell dropped that cancels the whole deal. Yea and I could probably have even gotten over the kid part....but the lying to get me to go out part is not ok. I can't imagine what other girls from that site will do (they will not think they read the profile wrong I'm sure and some will walk out on him on a date).
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 I understand why the OP is upset. Here is a cool guy she finally likes... only to find out there is a major dealbreaker. It happened to me as well though in a different context. It can be gutting when you get your hopes up, you meet someone you like only to have a bombshell dropped that cancels the whole deal. I understand why she is upset too, it's just I think she is wrong to be focused exclusively on herself here. She should forgive him and understand that people do things like this because they are afraid, not because they want to hurt you. Being let down like this is a minor pain compared to the massive rejection she now has to slap this guy with. Hopefully she tells him in a kind way that she was upset to find he had a child when his profile said otherwise. I'm really tired of dating stories from people that only care about themselves and what they can get from the other person.
Emilia Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 I understand why she is upset too, it's just I think she is wrong to be focused exclusively on herself here. She should forgive him and understand that people do things like this because they are afraid, not because they want to hurt you. Being let down like this is a minor pain compared to the massive rejection she now has to slap this guy with. Hopefully she tells him in a kind way that she was upset to find he had a child when his profile said otherwise. I'm really tired of dating stories from people that only care about themselves and what they can get from the other person. You spend weeks or months talking to someone only to find out they are completely different from what they said. Isn't that enough to feel self-righteous and get angry at them? It only happened to me once when I met someone off a site and found out that he had photoshopped himself. Luckily I had only wasted a few days talking to him, not weeks on end. Was still pretty annoying though and yes, I only thought about myself. I'm sure he only wanted to get a date hoping it would work but many of us who end up being tricked like this just get pissed off with the person.
ScienceGal Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 You don't lie about your kids. Period. And you don't lie In general if you're looking for a serious and mature relationship. It's not like he left it blank, he flat out lied...
Andy_K Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Yea and I could probably have even gotten over the kid part.... I never would go out with a person with a child Make your mind up!
KathyM Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 You don't lie about your kids. Period. And you don't lie In general if you're looking for a serious and mature relationship. It's not like he left it blank, he flat out lied... Exactly. People don't want to feel like they've been duped or tricked into coming on a date with a person.
PinkInTheLimo Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Stop all contact with this guy immediately. Lying about something this fundamental is unacceptable.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 You spend weeks or months talking to someone only to find out they are completely different from what they said. Isn't that enough to feel self-righteous and get angry at them? It only happened to me once when I met someone off a site and found out that he had photoshopped himself. Luckily I had only wasted a few days talking to him, not weeks on end. Was still pretty annoying though and yes, I only thought about myself. I'm sure he only wanted to get a date hoping it would work but many of us who end up being tricked like this just get pissed off with the person. If you talk to someone for weeks or months before meeting them... that's nobody's fault but your own. The average is probably 1 week or less. I really doubt OP spent that much time, because chances are he would have mentioned it during that time period. He made the effort to be honest about it on the first date. Photoshopping is completely intentional.... filling out your profile wrong may not be. I went on a date with a woman who was 70lbs heavier than any of her pics. I didn't get all pissy about it. I called her out on it, told her I'm just not into heavier girls and went on to have a really friendly and enjoyable date. Today we are still friends. I have invited her to a couple of parties and her best friend is now dating one of my good friends. She now has a BF who is really cool. My point is this... if you can get over yourself, life is a lot more enjoyable. You can touch the world in a different way.
Author starla33 Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 If you talk to someone for weeks or months before meeting them... that's nobody's fault but your own. The average is probably 1 week or less. I really doubt OP spent that much time, because chances are he would have mentioned it during that time period. He made the effort to be honest about it on the first date. Photoshopping is completely intentional.... filling out your profile wrong may not be. I went on a date with a woman who was 70lbs heavier than any of her pics. I didn't get all pissy about it. I called her out on it, told her I'm just not into heavier girls and went on to have a really friendly and enjoyable date. Today we are still friends. I have invited her to a couple of parties and her best friend is now dating one of my good friends. She now has a BF who is really cool. My point is this... if you can get over yourself, life is a lot more enjoyable. You can touch the world in a different way. Ok i don't get why you are attacking me for feeling duped. I emailed with this guy for 2 weeks long emails, nowhere did he mention having a kid and his profile said NONE. He didn't leave this information out which is possible to leave blank, he specifically wrote that he has none. He was a cool guy and it's sad it's turned out this way, but if someone lies about this from the get go then I can't just let that slide unfortunately.
FitChick Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 You can't make blanket statements. Different things are dealbreakers for different people. I don't date smokers, separated men or people with kids younger than teenagers. That might not bother some people but it has caused problems for me in the past, ones that I don't care to repeat.
Author starla33 Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 You can't make blanket statements. Different things are dealbreakers for different people. I don't date smokers, separated men or people with kids younger than teenagers. That might not bother some people but it has caused problems for me in the past, ones that I don't care to repeat. Yeah exactly and I'm in my late 20's, not ready yet for kids...but do want some someday. This guys kid is a toddler!
Emilia Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 If you talk to someone for weeks or months before meeting them... that's nobody's fault but your own. The average is probably 1 week or less. Well that's not very charitable of you, is it? Why get pissy with the person who has done nothing wrong? I went on a date with a woman who was 70lbs heavier than any of her pics. I didn't get all pissy about it. I called her out on it, told her I'm just not into heavier girls and went on to have a really friendly and enjoyable date. Today we are still friends. I have invited her to a couple of parties and her best friend is now dating one of my good friends. She now has a BF who is really cool. My point is this... if you can get over yourself, life is a lot more enjoyable. You can touch the world in a different way. And my point is, if you encourage this sort of behaviour by going along with it, it makes online dating that much more unpredictable and annoying for the rest of us. People who intentionally dupe others shouldn't be rewarded.
Author starla33 Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 Do you guys think I should email him and let him know he should probably change that for future reference. Yes I'm that pissed.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Ok i don't get why you are attacking me for feeling duped. I emailed with this guy for 2 weeks long emails, nowhere did he mention having a kid and his profile said NONE. He didn't leave this information out which is possible to leave blank, he specifically wrote that he has none. He was a cool guy and it's sad it's turned out this way, but if someone lies about this from the get go then I can't just let that slide unfortunately. I'm not attacking you for feeling duped. I'm telling you to not be a jerk about it... especially considering you don't know for fact that you were intentionally duped. You are making some assumptions. Do you guys think I should email him and let him know he should probably change that for future reference. Yes I'm that pissed. You should tell him that out of courtesy... and in a nice way. Not in a self righteous angry way. If it was an honest mistake he will correct it. If he intentionally lied he will see this strategy will bite him in the butt.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 I'm not attacking you for feeling duped. I'm telling you to not be a jerk about it... especially considering you don't know for fact that you were intentionally duped. You are making some assumptions. QUOTE] Now you're the one making assumptions that the OP's course of actions are jerky... I really would question someone who feels a need to lie about having children. If it was an occupation that required secrecy I would understand, but the fact this guy decided to omit the fact about having a baby is completely duplicitous. I have seen many men online who are proud fathers and have no problem stating they have kids or their love for children. The fact someone would go so far to lie about it or lie by omission tells me it goes beyond something simple as forgetting to state it. Sounds like he's really ashamed of the fact he's got baggage. OP, you also need to look at the fact that he started things off by lying whether it is about a child, his job, etc, he started things off with a rocky foundation.
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