the wizard Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 I had a post earlier describing the fun situation I'm currently in. Just to get those who are not familiar with my story up to speed, I'm going to give a brief description of the situation then elaborate on the issues (mostly my own) at hand. I'm currently dating a foreign woman from Colombia who also works at my job. I suppose she isn't so foreign now, she's been here in the states 9 years and just got her citizenship. She has a heavy Colombian accent though she speaks very good English. We both work in the same department along with 4 other guys. She is the only woman in the department besides my very anti-social manager who hardly comes out of the office. Now, I've had issues with jealousy in the past and I guess along with that, some self-confidence and security issues as well. Its pretty apparent now that they are still lingering around though I do not act on them as irrationally as I did in the past, and also not to an extreme. My GF, she's (ugh) very very friendly. Friendly to the point that, she's very easy to get along with, very easy to talk to no matter who you are, what kind of person you are, race, age, creed, etc...you get the point. People love her. She's not outgoing, but people just flock to her. They love talking to her, joking with her, laughing, teasing, etc..with her. Being that she's in a department with all men, and couple that with my jealousy...the situation gets pretty stressful..for her and I. Our co-workers don't know we're dating, we both agreed to try and keep it that way due to us not wanting people in our personal lives, unwanted stress at work, code of conduct, etc...As much as we try to hide it though, our co-workers can tell something is up. She does things for me that she won't do for others. She always comes to to talk to me (though now she's hesitant about it, I'll explain later). Through the months, my jealousy silently grew. But because I have little skill in hiding my emotions, she can tell instantly when I'm starting to get jealous. And it usually happens when she talks to certain guys in our department. Guys that I do not like. Guys that I feel have something against me, and are sexually interested in her. Its gotten to the point now that if I see her laugh, smile, or use a teasing kind of tone of voice with them...I get pissed. And when I get pissed, I cut everyone at the department off. I clam up. I don't say a word, I just home in on my work, and work silently in frustration. I even ignore my own GF. There's two guys there I really do not like her to talk to. That is our team leader, and some other married shady guy. The married shady guy one day when my GF and him were alone in the lab working on an assignment together asked her what would she do if he kissed her. On top of that, he was also one of the guys that would touch her in a playful manner..several times. It took several times before she finally spoke up, her excuse was that she didn't know how to approach the situation nor did she want tension at work. (Mind you I'm her boyfriend having to witness all this). The other guy, our team leader, is the one who suspects her and I messing around the most. And lately, he's been a real cock block so to speak. He'll purposely close space between him and her, to keep me away from helping her with work. He'll purposely keep us separated, assigning me to tasks outside of the lab while he works side by side with my gf. When my GF and I are having small talk, he always finds some reason to float by and interrupt our conversation with some paper work that could've been done at a later time. I mean, this guy is just a pest. Recently, him and I got into a heated argument. The guy was trying to bust my balls over something small and I erupted on him. So much that he got intimidated and told me I was pretty aggressive and that we'd talk with the manager (never happened lol!). The thing with this guy is....my GF kind of enjoys talking with him, well ****, she says she's neutral to his company. But he's always in her ear telling jokes, and she's always giggling, laughing, in heated conversation with him. She knows I don't like this guy one bit. I remember saying to her that he's always around her and I joked about her loving his company. She replied that she can't say she hates it, so she's neutral. That got me pretty pissed. We've fought time and time again over this guy. She tells me she's not flirting with him, she's not attracted to him, so what's the big deal? And I really can't even give her a valid reason as to why I get so mad when she talks to him except for the fact that...I just don't like him, and that I feel there's something more there than co-workers. I told her why does she like talking to him so much and she told me he's funny and she'd rather talk to him than the others (which honestly, I do prefer..) This guy is out to sabotage our relationship, I know it. He's always asking her if I'm bothering her, he'll come in and talk really loud so I can hear him talking to her. He even told the manager that her and I are getting too close and she told me I can't speak with my GF anymore at work (bull****ing**** I still do, and will continue to do so if that ****ing prick can talk to her). I'm sure you all can see even in my words how much anger this situation causes me. Everyday...Mon-Fri I'm upset with my GF because 4 hours of the day I have to listen to her and him talk, and joke. Sometimes they speak in Spanish and I don't know what they're saying but they're laughing all the same. She's told me lately that she doesn't know how else to show me she loves me and only me and that she's starting to feel helpless. She used to want to talk about it but its gotten to the point where she doesn't want to talk about it anymore, that's how sick of my jealousy she's becoming. I don't know what to do guys...I love my GF but I get so mad when she talks to this guy, I do.not.like.him. I understand she can't control who approaches her, and that they do work together...so she kind of has no choice...I just wish she would stop being so nice and friendly with him. I know its unreasonable and I even told my GF I don't want to control you...but what am I supposed to do when something you do freely causes me so much anger? My jealousy causes her pain because I get mad at her to. I get to feeling like, its her fault, she's enabling them to talk to her and flirt with her. Like her friendliness is just a green light to them and that she should be meaner to them. Then out of that anger I feel slighted. I start to feel like "Why am I your boyfriend when you're thoroughly enjoying the company of other men, especially men that I don't like?" After that feeling, I get spiteful...and feel as if I need to pay her back...so I distance myself from her in all aspects. Socially, physically, emotionally....when she texts me I give her one word answers, when she says she loves me I reply with a smiley face, sometimes I won't even respond to her texts, or take hours to do so. She's cried a couple of times already. One of the guys at work saw her crying and asked her what's wrong she told them nothing. Because of me she's cold and distant with these guys she used to be cool with. Except for the ****ing prick team leader I don't like. But the others she's totally different with. At times...I don't even trust it you know? I feel like she's only that way because of me and that she truly wants to be all buddy buddy and playful flirty with these guys. It also causes me to feel so ****ty...like, I'm just another one of those ****bag guys who treats their girlfriend like a slave rather than a person.. I don't want to lose her. I want to fight this jealousy issue of mine, and treat my GF the way she deserves to be treated. But even now as I type this, I'm upset with her. All I think about is her at work, in the back of the lab with that guy. Joking, laughing it up. As we speak, her and I are kind of short and distant with each other. Every day it feels as if there's a gap growing between her and I, I feel the jealousy is starting to ruin our relationship. I try to tell myself "Ok, she picked you over all those guys. She has sex with you. She gives you Anal, oral, swallows YOU. No other man is touching her, no other man is hearing her words I love you." But all of that does little to nothing when I see and hear her with that guy. I start to feel like there's something more than a platonic co-worker relationship between them. She's already made it clear that she isn't going to just be mean to them, well him really, she's kind of mean to the others. I would really appreciate some tips, help, anything really...I just want this issue to go away. My co-workers have even said I'm not the cool and happy guy I used to be, I've been coming into work upset at the world for the past couple of months now. If only they knew why..
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Wow. I don't really have much to offer, but I wanted to say that I really notice a vulnerability and willingness to own up to your own stuff in a "real" way in this post that I have never, ever seen in any of your others. I'm glad that you have let this girl get close to you - take care. Jealousy, insecurity and control issues are pretty toxic. It's a difficult situation. It might be challenging for even a less jealous person; I mean the fact that she is attractive and she can't let on that you are dating is awkward when other guys flirt. I hope you do learn how to find your way through it without causing irreparable damage to your relationships both with your girlfriend and work mates.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 I would really appreciate some tips, help, anything really...I just want this issue to go away. My co-workers have even said I'm not the cool and happy guy I used to be, I've been coming into work upset at the world for the past couple of months now. If only they knew why.. Ugh... what a terrible situation. Personally, I would NOT put up with that crap from any woman. I don't care if other people know that you two are dating or not... SHE knows it and should act accordingly. There is a point where perhaps you are just being too jealous... but this sounds like mostly her problem. The fact that she let the married guy touch her time and again without putting him in his place says bad things. In order to fix this... you will have to be aggressive and willing to dump her. I would strongly suggest that you explain to her that you won't take the disrespect anymore. Talking to people is Ok... joking is Ok... flirting is bull****. It sounds like this team leader is crossing the line big time.... it's her job to stop that. If not... just dump her and move on. This is making you feel like crap. Don't let her do that to you! No relationship is worth selling out your dignity.
FitChick Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Your girlfriend should make it known to everyone that she has a new boyfriend, but not that it's you. It will give her a reason to back off and not offend any of the others. Maybe even say you introduced the two of them, which would explain your always talking to her. Remember, just because other men might want your girlfriend, it doesn't mean she wants them. She can only control her own actions.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Remember, just because other men might want your girlfriend, it doesn't mean she wants them. She can only control her own actions. ... and her actions say... "I'm single"
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