Ex's friend told him lies about me and another guy

[lemonlegs]

Long story short, my ex and I have been broken up for good for about 3 months now. We've been talking more than we should which evidently was a huge mistake.

 

Backstory: this final break up was the 3rd time we had broken up. The second time we broke up in the summer, I slept with a guy I knew from school (the break last a month or so). It didn't really mean much as that is as far as it went with him.

 

I realized later that I missed my ex a lot and wanted to try to work things out, which he had agreed to. He never asked me if I had been physical with anyone else, and I did not tell him outright because I knew it would cause unnecessary drama and guilt. Not to mention, I'm of the belief that what people choose to do when they're single is their business... we were not together, so it's not his concern... unless I had contracted an STD or something, which I did not.

 

Presently: Last night, I told my ex that it'd probably be for the best if we stopped talking, as I've been hanging out with someone (NOT the same guy as before), though it was nothing serious. He ignored me. Then today out of the blue, he calls me. I pick up and begins implying that I had cheated on him and slept with a "random guy" and didn't tell him. The facts were horribly twisted and the time frame in which his so-called friend told him was waaaay off. His friend that told him that he snooped through his girlfriend's phone (which is my friend) and claims he saw a message stating that this was the case... something is not right because not only have I not texted her (I used BBM which is usually deleted right after the cnversation finishes), but I had not discussed with her in detail my relations with the guy I had messed around with in months and months (and as I said, it was very vague and unsuggestive)

 

Now my ex hates me I'm pretty sure, and will only listen to his friend. His friend is a known sh** disturber, and I'm wondering why he would purposefully tell his friend something that would hurt him despite the fact that it's no longer relevant.

 

The ONLY thing I feel guilty about is lying about it ever happening. If my ex knew who it was or that it happened while we were on a break, he would be upset, though at this point, it has no bearing on anything. Which is why I don't feel the need to even tell him. I'm just confused and now I feel like a horrible person.

 

All in all, it wasn't an outright LIE (cause yes, I did mess around with a guy, but I did NOT cheat, and we were BROKEN UP), but the facts were misconstrued to make it seem a lot worse than what it was. I also don't like the fact that him and his friends are sitting around slandering my name and talking lowly of me when in reality, I didn't really do anything wrong. Gets me really bitter and defensive, and ultimately, my ex should not care seeing as we've been broken up for 3 months. Am I wrong?

 

Insight anyone?

Edited February 7, 2012 by lemonlegs

[blotter]

You've been a member of Loveshack since Dec 2009 and you're still making these rookie mistakes?

 

What about No Contact?

What about during No Contact improving yourself and leaving your failed relationship in the dust where it belongs?

What about saying goodbye to all the stupid drama that gets everybody nowhere and hurts yourself more in the process?

[lemonlegs]

You've been a member of Loveshack since Dec 2009 and you're still making these rookie mistakes?

 

What about No Contact?

What about during No Contact improving yourself and leaving your failed relationship in the dust where it belongs?

What about saying goodbye to all the stupid drama that gets everybody nowhere and hurts yourself more in the process?

 

Unfortunately some of those are easier done than said. I still cared about him a lot and he was really good at taking advantage of that by making me feel bad. I know NOW that I should have done that... but what's done is done.

 

Thanks

[Philosoraptor]

The real question is do you really want to be with someone who would believe so low of you? If what you say is true then you know there is no proof and no physical evidence that your ex has seen. So he would trust the word of a known "**** disturber" over yours.

[Chi townD]

I wouldn't consider what his friend did as a sh** starter. I view it as his friend protecting your Ex with what he thought were the facts AS HE VIEWED THEM. Chances are that your Ex was beating himself up over the loss of you wondering where HE went wrong. His friend couldn't go on watching him beat himself up with "some facts" that he knew about you. Here's the thing. He's going to believe his friend over you because you had EVERY opportunity to tell him what happened prior to you two getting back together. Look, you can say that it was none of your Ex's business what happened while you two were "on a break". But the fact is you were only "on a break" for a couple of weeks and you slept with someone else. Never really mourned the end of your relationship with your Ex. He probably still had strong feelings for you at the time you bedded the other guy. So, to say that he didn't have the right to know is a cop out in my book. Sorry.

 

You should have been up front with him when you reconnected and were thinking about getting back together. "Look, I want to get back with you, but this happened while we were apart." This would have given him the opportunity to continue with the relationship or to part ways. The choice would have been his to make. And if he chose to say with you with the knowledge of what happened during "taking a break", anything his friend would have said would have been old hat and nothing new.

 

BUT!!! I have a feeling that you hooked up with someone close to him. Close friend or a family member. And since your are interested in someone else (the reason why your breaking off with him.......again.) I would just leave him alone. Personally, I strongly recommend that you don't enter into ANY relationships and just be single for a while.

 

You DO feel guilty (and you should) because you said that you didn't want to tell him the truth because of the drama AND THE GUILT it would cause. Therefore, you do feel guilt. You with held information from your boyfriend at the time. Therefore, you were hiding something in your relationship. And when you start hide things in a relationship, then the relationship is in trouble.

Edited February 7, 2012 by Chi townD

[lemonlegs]

The real question is do you really want to be with someone who would believe so low of you? If what you say is true then you know there is no proof and no physical evidence that your ex has seen. So he would trust the word of a known "**** disturber" over yours.

 

You're right, and this is how I feel. I felt really hurt that he started doubting our entire relationship over something that, quite honestly, most people would probably not mention. I am NOT a bad person and I did NOT cheat on him, therefore, I don't deserve him to view me as such.

 

Chi, I understand where you're coming from. I did admit to him last night that something did, in fact, happen. And no, he was not close with this guy. He's never met him at all. He overreacted, by far. He acted as though I lied to his face daily (as though I was having sex with this guy every day we were together) and fails to see it as an isolated event that happened while we were NOT together. The only reason I would have ever felt guilty is because he's overly emotional and would have MADE me feel that way.

 

I can see my mistake and can respect why he'd be upset. The thing that bothers me is that the only reason his friend decided to tell him this now is because I had mentioned to my ex, the night before, that I had been hanging out with someone else. So basically, I get the impression that his loser friend told him that solely because I had moved on, and for whatever reason, felt the need to pull be back in with this BS. Not fair... we've been broken up for three months. Therefore, I wanted nothing to do with this 3 months ago.

 

Anyways, he doesn't plan on talking to me anymore and would probably drag my name through the dirt for a solid few months. What's done is done. I just wanted to see if others thought I did anything wrong.

 

OH, and also, he proceeded to tell me last night that I'm also lying to him about not having a boyfriend. So he thinks that I was lying when I said I had only hungout with this other guy a few times and that I'm actually his new girlfriend which is SO NOT true and something I'd have no reason to lie about. I have NO idea who he is hearing all of this from, it's rather disturbing.

[Chi townD]

OH, and also, he proceeded to tell me last night that I'm also lying to him about not having a boyfriend. So he thinks that I was lying when I said I had only hungout with this other guy a few times and that I'm actually his new girlfriend which is SO NOT true and something I'd have no reason to lie about. I have NO idea who he is hearing all of this from, it's rather disturbing.

\

 

HE'S HEARING IT FROM YOU! Look, you've written that you've been hanging out with someone else. To me that translates to you've been dating. You tell him that you can't communicate with him anymore because you are pursuing a relationship with this OM. That may translate in his head, " I need to stop talking to you because I'm going to be with this new guy and he's not going to like me talking to you." Which ALSO translates into you value this new guy more than him.

 

You need to look at the WHOLE PICTURE here. You're working on technicalites here. You looking for something in writing that states you are this new guy's girlfriend and is notorized so that it could be used in court. He knows that you're showing interest in this other guy, and if you've been out with this other guy, then he might be showing interest as well. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck.....you know the rest. Just like "taking a break" which is probably one of the most stupid things people say in my opinion. Taking a break= breaking up peroid. However, to use it as a buffer stating, "Yeah, I slept with this guy right after us, but you CAN'T be upset! We were taking a break." Sorry, but the "taking a break" patch isn't big enough to cover the wound.

 

Look, I'm not trying to bash on you. Really, I'm not. I just want you to open your eyes. NOTHING in relationships are EVER black and white. You're trying to justify your guilt and your feelings on the matter with "technicalities". You need to admit that you hurt this guy by withholding the truth from him. Did he hurt you in the relationship? Yeah, probably. But, to sleep with someone just weeks after your relationship while you KNOW he probably still had feelings for you; probably trying to communicate with you....man, that cut runs deep. And it really doesn't matter if his friend is feeding him false information as far as WHEN it happened and HOW it happen and with WHO it happened with.....as far as he's concerned, it still happened. See?

 

So, he's not going to be your biggest fan. Chalk it up as lessons learned. Let him go. Don't bother him. Let his messages go to voicemail. Messages might be really hurtful in the coming weeks...just let him vent and don't take it personal. Sooner or later he'll heal and move on. Just remember, you're working on something here while he's got nothing to hold on to. He hurt, so don't take it personal. Just remind yourself of that.

Edited February 7, 2012 by Chi townD

[lemonlegs]

\

 

HE'S HEARING IT FROM YOU! Look, you've written that you've been hanging out with someone else. To me that translates to you've been dating. You tell him that you can't communicate with him anymore because you are pursuing a relationship with this OM. That may translate in his head, " I need to stop talking to you because I'm going to be with this new guy and he's not going to like me talking to you." Which ALSO translates into you value this new guy more than him.

 

You need to look at the WHOLE PICTURE here. You're working on technicalites here. You looking for something in writing that states you are this new guy's girlfriend and is notorized so that it could be used in court. He knows that you're showing interest in this other guy, and if you've been out with this other guy, then he might be showing interest as well. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck.....you know the rest. Just like "taking a break" which is probably one of the most stupid things people say in my opinion. Taking a break= breaking up peroid. However, to use it as a buffer stating, "Yeah, I slept with this guy right after us, but you CAN'T be upset! We were taking a break." Sorry, but the "taking a break" patch isn't big enough to cover the wound.

 

Look, I'm not trying to bash on you. Really, I'm not. I just want you to open your eyes. NOTHING in relationships are EVER black and white. You're trying to justify your guilt and your feelings on the matter with "technicalities". You need to admit that you hurt this guy by withholding the truth from him. Did he hurt you in the relationship? Yeah, probably. But, to sleep with someone just weeks after your relationship while you KNOW he probably still had feelings for you; probably trying to communicate with you....man, that cut runs deep. And it really doesn't matter if his friend is feeding him false information as far as WHEN it happened and HOW it happen and with WHO it happened with.....as far as he's concerned, it still happened. See?

 

So, he's not going to be your biggest fan. Chalk it up as lessons learned. Let him go. Don't bother him. Let his messages go to voicemail. Messages might be really hurtful in the coming weeks...just let him vent and don't take it personal. Sooner or later he'll heal and move on. Just remember, you're working on something here while he's got nothing to hold on to. He hurt, so don't take it personal. Just remind yourself of that.

 

 

Thanks Chi, you're absolutely right. I feel horrible that I hurt him, and I guess that's all it comes down to. I can't try to tell him that he's wrong for feeling upset over it. I hope within the coming weeks he realizes that it's not as big of a deal as it seems right now, and that I wasn't lying about anything else. And I see what you're saying about him putting 2 and 2 together with the other guy, but the thing is, he explicitly stated that he "HEARD" from someone that I had a boyfriend. That is the thing I am not liking about this situation is the "he said, she said" crap. We're all in our twenties and I feel as though the way it was brought about was very juvenile. But so be it, cat's out of the bag.

 

Guess I just have to let him move on and hopefully one day he'll forgive me.

[Chi townD]

but the thing is, he explicitly stated that he "HEARD" from someone that I had a boyfriend. That is the thing I am not liking about this situation is the "he said, she said" crap. We're all in our twenties and I feel as though the way it was brought about was very juvenile. But so be it, cat's out of the bag.

 

Guess I just have to let him move on and hopefully one day he'll forgive me.

 

Well, if people have seen you hanging out with this OM, they see you at dinner or out for coffee, or out for drinks...other people can put 2 and 2 together as well. "I've seen them out twice already. OH! They must be an item!" see how easy that is?

 

AND OF COURSE IT'S ALL JUVENILE!!!! All relationships are juvenile! Some in a good way and others not so much. Remember what it was like having your first girl school crush? Or the first time you went on a date with someone you REALLY liked in high school? Remember the butterflies in your stomach waiting for him to pick you up? And when you're together, feeling like that you never want the date to end and you didn't want him to drop you off. Excited when the phone rings and it's him? Talking on the phone for hours about absolutely nothing and then not wanting to get off the line. Then you play the stupid, " No, you hang up first." game?

 

We still do that crap as adults in a new relationship!!! New relationships revert us back to juvenile behaviors! Date's going well, I have to work in the morning but...another hour won't kill me. Stressing yourself out in the car on the way home wonder if he expects you to ask him up for coffee. Wondering if he's going to kiss you. Then, when the date ends, the FIRST thing you are REQUIRED to do is call your girlfriends and give them an update.. Asking stupid questions like if I kissed him for more than 5 seconds, do you think he thinks I'm a slut. How many days should i wait for him to call me?

 

And the same thing goes on with the end of the relationship. The finger pointing, the blame game. The accussations and the rumors. Including the, "he/she didn't count, WE WERE ON A BREAK!" game. It's your fault....no, it's your fault. see...juvenile. Even as adults and we are all guilty of this in some form or other.

 

I'm glad that you're finally looking outside the box. Now, here's the hard part. Let him go, completely. He still has feelings for you. If he didn't, he wouldn't be mad right now. YOU AND HIM ARE NOT FRIENDS!!!! As much as you want him to forgive your actions, you're not going to get it anytime soon. Maybe one day he may be able to forgive you as a person, maybe not so much as a girlfriend. But, that's on his time and you can't rush that. So, don't try to put him in the "friend zone" You know that he doesn't belong there. It's killing him knowing that you're "with...sorta" someone else. He may not openly say it, but I'm telling you...it's hurting him. SO, time to cut the strings and let him find someone that's going to make him happy.

Edited February 7, 2012 by Chi townD