Paying for the date and not even getting thanked

February 7, 2012

So I was on a date a couple of days ago, and we went out to dinner, and I payed for it all, and I don't even get a "Thank you" for paying. She didn't offer to pay, and didn't bother to thank me when I did. I don't feel like anything went wrong at dinner, I thought we got along well. But this really irks me. I texted her today and asked if she wanted to meet up again sometime, and she said she wasn't interested in seeing me again. But honestly, I kind of glad, because if she's not going to appreciate anything I do, then why should I bother seeing her again. I'm fine with paying for the first date, but if I'm not even going to get a thank you, then I'm not even going to bother calling the person back from now on.

Am I the only one here?

What a bitch. That's all I can say. Even if she wasn't interested in you, she could have at least had the decency to say thank you. There is no excuse. Some people are just rude and think they are entitled. Good thing you aren't seeing her again. God only knows what kind of girlfriend she would make:rolleyes:

February 7, 2012

That sounds like a kind of thanks, I guess. . .You know, this got me thinking, I don't believe I've ever said, "Thank you for paying." Maybe sometimes, "Thanks for dinner," or said, "Thanks for getting that" (that one usually with a BF or with my hubby, as it'd feel awkward to actually cite the check in an early dating situation to me) or, "Thanks, that's sweet," immediately after a guy insisted on paying or whatever.

I would find it rather gross to say, "Thanks for paying" directly, but someone who shows no gratitude whatsoever is also rude. It sounds like the OP's date was just plain rude, though this did get me thinking of how to express gratitude.

I don't think I've ever specifically thanked a guy for paying either. It's usually, "Thanks for dinner!" or "Thanks for such a good time!" but without reference to who actually funded the date.

I have, however, NOT thanked a guy AT ALL when I had a miserable time and found the guy to be a complete waste of air and a complete jerk. That was probably rude of me, but I was completely put off that I couldn't bring myself to show any appreciation for the experience. And when he contacted me for a second date, I quickly told him I wasn't interested. That sounds like what happened with this girl.

February 7, 2012

@ oxy --- I didn't say I don't want to pay for my dinner or that the date has to be dinner. I would gladly burn fifty bucks after every great date...the money isn't the point. I like generousity and a little chivalry. Free art museum, free movie, window shopping, a community event. It's not about the money, I just don't like the idea of a guy who is screening me to make sure I am not after his money. I don't need you to acknowledge that I am a catch....remember where I said I've never had a first date that didn't lead to a second date invitation?? And I don't like smoothies and sitting around for an hour or two drinking lemonade two times in a row sounds lame.

Also with respect to the original post, I will say that if you take me to dinner and I pay for my part it's because we aren't going out again. Ever. If I let you pay, I'm hoping we will make it all even out later by continuing to see each other. And then I pay sometimes, make dinner sometimes, buy nice gifts, etc. Can't say it works out totally even, but I've never had a guy complain! I guess all those kind, attractive professional men were just brainless and powerless against my womanly tricks.

February 7, 2012

Since the OP hasn't been back here, I did find this post to be IMO good insight into his character. He sounds like a good guy who is navigating the often ambiguous waters of dating. Hope it works out.

February 7, 2012

And I am far from a gold digger. I pay probably a little less of the time than my bf, but more than most girls.

And how do you know this?

And I have a good job, a fat savings account and significant equity in a lovely home.

And how does this matter? Feeling of entitlement is a mental trait. It has nothing to do with how much money the person has.

In fact this is actually the issue that many guys today voice. These days women have as much or even more money but they are still too cheap to even pay for their own share.

My point is that any guy who views all women as gold diggers and feels the need to test them at the start of a relationship isn't ready to be in the relationship of mutual trust and respect I want

Sorry some people suck, but I wanted to discourage the OP from developing this big test for first and second dates to protect himself from all the gold diggers.

I just don't like the idea of a guy who is screening me to make sure I am not after his money.

And would you say the same to women who won't put out early because they want to make sure the guy isn't only after sex? Would you recommend them to just jump into bed within the first four dates and not be too paranoid about it?

I don't view guys as just out for sex and I've never had a guy who wasn't interested in a second date with me--ever--or who wasn't willing to wait until I was comfortable for sex!

So you want men to wait for you until you are comfortable having sex but you wont understand guys who wont invest more money in you until he gets to know you more?

Free art museum, free movie, window shopping, a community event.

All women say this. But in actuality, women are unimpressed to be taken to free dates unless they have so little options that being taken to such a date is still better than no date at all.

And I don't like smoothies and sitting around for an hour or two drinking lemonade two times in a row sounds lame.

If you want you can always invite the guy elsewhere and pay for it. But of course you dont want that. You want to be taken somewhere you like and not paying for it.

Also with respect to the original post, I will say that if you take me to dinner and I pay for my part it's because we aren't going out again. Ever.

This is why I always pay despite hating it because its the least frustrating way. Women offer to pay for tons of reasons. They offer to pay because they dont want to see me again, women offer to pay because they are testing me, and women offer to pay because they are considerate and do intend to pay (very rare stocks though). Edited February 7, 2012 by musemaj11

February 7, 2012

So I was on a date a couple of days ago, and we went out to dinner, and I payed for it all, and I don't even get a "Thank you" for paying. She didn't offer to pay, and didn't bother to thank me when I did. I don't feel like anything went wrong at dinner, I thought we got along well. But this really irks me. I texted her today and asked if she wanted to meet up again sometime, and she said she wasn't interested in seeing me again. But honestly, I kind of glad, because if she's not going to appreciate anything I do, then why should I bother seeing her again. I'm fine with paying for the first date, but if I'm not even going to get a thank you, then I'm not even going to bother calling the person back from now on.

Am I the only one here?

Nah, I totally understand, I mean the least she could've let you have done was groped her boob.

And no I'm not being sarcastic.

Edited February 7, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

February 8, 2012

So I was on a date a couple of days ago, and we went out to dinner, and I payed for it all, and I don't even get a "Thank you" for paying. She didn't offer to pay, and didn't bother to thank me when I did. I don't feel like anything went wrong at dinner, I thought we got along well. But this really irks me. I texted her today and asked if she wanted to meet up again sometime, and she said she wasn't interested in seeing me again. But honestly, I kind of glad, because if she's not going to appreciate anything I do, then why should I bother seeing her again. I'm fine with paying for the first date, but if I'm not even going to get a thank you, then I'm not even going to bother calling the person back from now on.

What a rude person! Good riddance!

February 8, 2012

@ oxy --- I didn't say I don't want to pay for my dinner or that the date has to be dinner. I would gladly burn fifty bucks after every great date...the money isn't the point. I like generousity and a little chivalry. Free art museum, free movie, window shopping, a community event. It's not about the money, I just don't like the idea of a guy who is screening me to make sure I am not after his money. I don't need you to acknowledge that I am a catch....remember where I said I've never had a first date that didn't lead to a second date invitation?? And I don't like smoothies and sitting around for an hour or two drinking lemonade two times in a row sounds lame.

Also with respect to the original post, I will say that if you take me to dinner and I pay for my part it's because we aren't going out again. Ever. If I let you pay, I'm hoping we will make it all even out later by continuing to see each other. And then I pay sometimes, make dinner sometimes, buy nice gifts, etc. Can't say it works out totally even, but I've never had a guy complain! I guess all those kind, attractive professional men were just brainless and powerless against my womanly tricks.

There are many, many women who screen men on how much they spend on dates. Then they say they dislike men who screen them to make sure they are not after a man's money. Hypocrites.

February 8, 2012

This is funny. I don't date guys who are brainless! And I am far from a gold digger. I pay probably a little less of the time than my bf, but more than most girls. And I have a good job, a fat savings account and significant equity in a lovely home. And I always say thank you and mean it, and I only date guys who say thank you and mean it. My point is that any guy who views all women as gold diggers and feels the need to test them at the start of a relationship isn't ready to be in the relationship of mutual trust and respect I want (and have found--yay!).

I don't view guys as just out for sex and I've never had a guy who wasn't interested in a second date with me--ever--or who wasn't willing to wait until I was comfortable for sex!

So, you have savings and equity into a home, but a man that is trying to do the same should be judged as being petty and judging you a gold digger? If you want him not to judge you, you are always aloud to pay for that first date yourself. After all, you talk about the man being generous and chivalrous, but what are you showing him?

As musemaji pointed out, why should the guy have to wait for sex. You, after all, do not want to be the type of woman that believes all men are after one thing. You should offer to sleep with the guy and let him decline sleeping with you if he will not call again. I am sure most men would do the right thing and none would ever take advantage by sleeping with you and then not calling.

February 8, 2012

I'm sorry some girls apparently took you two for a ride in the past and made you sad and bitter. Man, this forum would be better if more of the posts

were by people who actually are dating instead of lonely guys ranting about how they don't want to buy girls they meet online dinner. Geez.

It didn't used to be like this here...

February 8, 2012

I'm sorry some girls apparently took you two for a ride in the past and made you sad and bitter. Man, this forum would be better if more of the posts
were by people who actually are dating instead of lonely guys ranting about how they don't want to buy girls they meet online dinner. Geez.

Very typical answer from an out of touch self-entitled woman.

February 8, 2012

I can't believe how many women there are out there who think these kinds of manners (or lack thereof) are even remotely acceptable.

I've had first dates like this before - I can tell it's not really going to happen, and I know I'm not interested in seeing him again. In these circumstances, I insist as hard as I can on paying my own share; if he still wishes to pick up the entire tab, I thank him graciously for the meal.

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months and I still make sure to throw in a "thanks for dinner, hon!" or "thanks for the lovely evening!" (followed by kiss on the cheek ) when he picks up our tab for dinner and/or drinks. Every. Single. Time. What's so hard about saying a simple thank you?!

Women with this kind of attitude give all women a bad rap.

February 8, 2012

I am like you k and m... We share financial responsibility and consistently show our appreciation for each other. Bits what makes a relationship work.

February 8, 2012

Wow, I wasn't expecting this much response, but thanks

Yeah, I'm still not sure why she said she didn't want to see me again, she didn't say. The only thing I can think of is that I gave her a kiss at the end of the date. Maybe I just suck at kissing, or she just thought I wasn't attractive, or my timing was off. I can't specifically think of anything I said that would have been offensive or rude. Either way, the kiss happened well after I had paid for dinner (we went for a couple of drinks after dinner), so her not thanking me for dinner shouldn't have had anything to do with that.

But yeah, regardless, I've decided I'm not doing dinner for first dates anymore. The bill was over $30. I didn't even get a reach for the check (now I feel like George Costanza, haha). Sheesh.

Additionally, the whole night, it seemed impossible to get anything out of her (talking-wise). Every time the conversation died, I was the one who had to pick it back up, otherwise she would just sit there.

February 8, 2012

Just do coffee date next time.

Women hate coffee dates because the selfish childishness in them demands that they deserve grandiose dates at the expense of someone else. But if all men start to stop being a doormat and cater to their demand, then they will have no choice but to accept and appreciate whatever is given.

February 8, 2012

I'm in my 50's and have always paid for dates. Never think twice about it. Women reciprocate by making dinner, a pie or whatever. Now and then my girl will surprise met tickets for a play or concert. However, if it's something we've planned, I'll get them.

Sexist? Perhaps. We're both professionals relatively well off. I'll pick up the tab as our roles are traditional. I also can't imagine not opening the door for her or helping her on with her coat.

However!!!! she always says 'thank you' and means it. She likes it when I take care of her and she knows that I like to take care of her. Some may not like traditional roles but we thrive on them. It removes a lot of the stress of dating that I read younger people struggling with. I initiate and she reciprocates. She has enough responsibility in her professional life to be 'the modern woman'.

It's generational. This is the type of relationship I've always had with men. There is no way I could match them penny for penny because they always make much more money than I do. So I make it up to them in other, more personal ways.

I feel sorry for single young people these days. They seem so unhappy and confused.

February 8, 2012

Nah, I totally understand, I mean the least she could've let you have done was groped her boob.

And no I'm not being sarcastic.

That's too bad, Ross. It doesn't make you look like a very good prospect for … anything.

But it does make me laugh. Can you imagine the scenario? I'm a rude jerk of a girl on a date, and I don't like the guy at all. He paid, and I am not even going to thank him … because I was raised by wolves in a cave and I have no concept of basic etiquette. But something deep within me speaks to me, and I realize that I own him … something. So I suggest, "would you like a quick grope of my boob?"

February 8, 2012

Yeah, I'm still not sure why she said she didn't want to see me again, she didn't say.

the whole night, it seemed impossible to get anything out of her (talking-wise). Every time the conversation died, I was the one who had to pick it back up, otherwise she would just sit there.

There's your answer.

February 8, 2012

So I was on a date a couple of days ago, and we went out to dinner, and I payed for it all, and I don't even get a "Thank you" for paying. She didn't offer to pay, and didn't bother to thank me when I did.

Don't make such a big deal about paying for things it turns girls off. You shouldn't be taking her to an expensive dinner if this is a first date. I say bring her to a place that will run you 25$ tops for tip, food, and drinks. You don't need her to specificaly say "Thanks for paying for my dinnner" but if you think she's being rude don't even offer to pay ask for two checks. But looking for her to specificaly say "thanks for paying" is a little much. Really the more a girl thinks about the money you are spending the worse off you'll be. Don't spend any money you don't want to spend. You're paying for your own meal which doesn't count as money spent on her, and then as far as she's concerned think about the enjoyment of eating with a pretty girl. That again is something for you. Her getting a meal is just coinsedence. If you're paying pick the place and order for her!

I don't feel like anything went wrong at dinner, I thought we got along well. But this really irks me. I texted her today and asked if she wanted to meet up again sometime, and she said she wasn't interested in seeing me again. But honestly, I kind of glad, because if she's not going to appreciate anything I do, then why should I bother seeing her again. I'm fine with paying for the first date, but if I'm not even going to get a thank you, then I'm not even going to bother calling the person back from now on.

Am I the only one here?

You're all over place. First you say you didn't feel like anything went wrong... and got along well. Now after she turns down your txt for another date she's all ungreatful. You're just mad she didn't agree to go on another date and why should she you're rude. You had your date with her a few days ago and said it went well why didn't you ask her out then? Why would you wait so many days to ask her out again and then do it through a txt? Then go back and rewrite the date?

If she was so ungreatful how did you guys get along and find it a date where nothing went wrong? Why would you ask her out again and then be glad when she says no but act so upset she didn't specificaly thank you for paying...

February 8, 2012

Wrong.

Im not wrong mister.

I dont know how it was in 1945, but I know for sure based on my firsthand dating experiences in this era that I am not wrong.

Yes, ice cream dates are good. Provided that you are going out with a 17 year old high school girl. When I was in high school, a girl would be happy enough if I took her to get some slurpee at 7-11. But that won't work for women aged above 21. Unless she is fat and ugly and was never taken out to anywhere better than an ice cream joint in the first place, an at least decent looking woman will expect to be treated to someplace at worst like BJ's or even Cheesecake Factory.

Im speaking of experience dating women in California by the way. If someone is dating women in Mississippi for instance, Im sure he will have a different story.

February 8, 2012

You're all over place. First you say you didn't feel like anything went wrong... and got along well. Now after she turns down your txt for another date she's all ungreatful. You're just mad she didn't agree to go on another date and why should she you're rude. You had your date with her a few days ago and said it went well why didn't you ask her out then? Why would you wait so many days to ask her out again and then do it through a txt? Then go back and rewrite the date?

If she was so ungreatful how did you guys get along and find it a date where nothing went wrong? Why would you ask her out again and then be glad when she says no but act so upset she didn't specificaly thank you for paying...

Well, it was more of a realization after the fact. It didn't hit me hard during the date for some reason, but looking back I wonder why it didn't bother me more. I guess I was just physically attracted to her at the time and that was clouding my judgment during the moment. That was the whole point of this post is that, in retrospect, those kinds of behaviors on her part are something I should have been more offended by at the time, but it took me until I got turned down by her to realize that, and now it's something I'll be paying more attention to in the future. I would imagine that happens to most people, actually. And I didn't wait "so many days" to get back in touch with her, it had just been two days, which seems pretty reasonable to me. And when I originally got her number, she specifically told me to text her, so it doesn't sound to me like texting is something that would put her off.

February 8, 2012

It's generational. This is the type of relationship I've always had with men. There is no way I could match them penny for penny because they always make much more money than I do. So I make it up to them in other, more personal ways.

I feel sorry for single young people these days. They seem so unhappy and confused.

Thats because the newer generation of men aren't as deluded as men in the past. Today more and more men are no longer pleased to be treated like a walking wallet just like women no longer accepts to be treated as a possession like in the past.

February 8, 2012

OP, it sounds like you've hit upon a good canary to watch, that being to be mindful of how your physical attraction, that impetus for you to ask a woman on a date, affects your perspective of her behavior on the date, in real time. There's a difference, in reality, between the interest being mutual and her 'letting' you be attracted to her, pay attention to her and pursue her. IMO, mindful of this, her lack of proactive interest and animation during the date, something you identified retrospectively, was really good information about the dynamic. IMO, this realization, combined with her disinterest after the date, match up perfectly. The work is to, one, separate out your physical attraction from analysis of her behavior and, two, act in real time on that analysis. This is generally done at the instinctive level. I think of it as the bird that 'tweets' in my ear that something isn't matching up. I can ignore the bird, or not. Everything is a choice.

February 8, 2012

@musemaj

I dunno. The women Im attracted to and the women I tend to attract are usually pretty low maintenance. They are cool just getting coffee or hitting up drive in, or going out partying with my friends and I at the bars.

One gal would say she was all about courtship and this was cus her ex bf of 5 years spoiled her. But she was one of the most down ass, chill, and low maintenance chicks Ive hung with. Hell we were both between paychecks one time and had like no money since we have bills and gas to pay for.

So we took all our empy water bottles to the supermarket, got like 20 bucks, and bought stuff to make dinner and then beer to pregame before going out that night. Mind you this was a girl whos ex paid for EVERYTHING. Hed buy groceries for her, take her out a lot, 250 dollar handbag, etc. And her parents paid her rent and tuition in full too. Moms a Psych Dr. and her dad runs a summer camp. So her family has some loot.

I think everything depends on the girl and how much she likes you. This chick liked me enough where us hanging out was all that she needed. She was generous as hell too. Shed buy 35 dollar bottles of Ciroc and throw shots at me. Shed also always offer to cook me something when I came over.

Guys dont have to do the stuff her ex did, because like I said, if a chick is feeling you...money matters not. Just treat each other well.

Btw, this was last year. I was 24 at the time. She was 23.

Edited February 8, 2012 by kaylan

February 8, 2012

I'm sorry some girls apparently took you two for a ride in the past and made you sad and bitter. Man, this forum would be better if more of the posts
were by people who actually are dating instead of lonely guys ranting about how they don't want to buy girls they meet online dinner. Geez.

It didn't used to be like this here...

I love how all guys who have an issue buying a girl dinner are considered lonely and not dating. If I were not dating, this would not be an issue as I would not be spending money. The fact is that I date constantly and have been in several relationships. I have been in my current relationship for almost a year. Thus, I spend a lot of money of women...thousands of dollars...that I could otherwise be saving. My gf had the opposite view (same as me) that you do. She makes her own money and thinks that we should split all dating expenses. She does not understand the 'guy should pay' mentality all and she actually dislikes it. After all, she enjoys my company as much as I enjoy hers. When I want to make her feel special, I buy her gifts. Even now, we split most dating expenses. I don't really care much at this point since we are serious about each other, but she likes to make sure she is pulling her weight.

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