follow my own if not happy?

[flitzanu]

after all the reading on this site, one would think i'd know my own advice and how to follow this situation.

 

some days in my current sitch (with a much younger girl) i feel burdened and put-out. i'm vehemently independent, and that's part of my issue. i don't do well with people acting co-dependent.

 

same time though, i just feel like i'm being selfish if someone doesn't understand i require a lot of "space" and personal time alone. maybe some of us just aren't equipped with being "happy" dedicating so much time to another person?

[Philosoraptor]

Don't you owe yourself the opportunity to be as happy as possible? Why settle for any less than you want? If you need someone who is more independent and can give you more space during the relationship... then find someone who can do so. There are plenty of people just like you in this world and you can find someone you match up with.

[stitch702]

after all the reading on this site, one would think i'd know my own advice and how to follow this situation.

 

some days in my current sitch (with a much younger girl) i feel burdened and put-out. i'm vehemently independent, and that's part of my issue. i don't do well with people acting co-dependent.

 

same time though, i just feel like i'm being selfish if someone doesn't understand i require a lot of "space" and personal time alone. maybe some of us just aren't equipped with being "happy" dedicating so much time to another person?

 

I too was in the exact same position in my last relationship. I also consdier myself to be very independent and do require space to myself. My significant other was not the same way and wanted to spend every moment with me. I look back and I feel guilty at times, but my carefree and independent nature is what makes me who I am. It's funny my ex was also signigicantly younger than me. We had a 6 year age gap.

[flitzanu]

it's certainly true i deserve to be happy and guilt free about "who i am" and my independence.

 

i've had a breakup before when i realized i just wasn't matching with someone, and did the "right thing" by ending it abruptly and maturely. i just hate the thought of hurting someone without real...cause. arguments and fighting make it easier, or if she somehow decided to hate me. but with no real relationship problems per se, and no major fighting, just feels so out of the blue.

 

which again, i know so many of our stories are like this, but most involve conflict. this is just simply that i am realizing this girl needs someone to worship her the same way she worships me.

 

it would feel too dishonest to create drama and "convince" her to hate me though. i suppose the only step is to discuss what's on my heart and mind and see how she feels about it.

[M2155]

If the two of you have different tempos and that is important to you, then don't feel bad about the reason. You saved each other time you would have spent trying to force things and creating conflict. I have total respect for men in the past who have been honest with me about things like this and while it hurts in the short term, you look back with no hard feelings. I couldn't stay mad at someone for feeling what they feel and owning up to it.

[Dark Phoenix]

i have yet to see one word in any of these responses. this is the biggest problem that I see on almost ever post on this board. here we go, are you ready.

 

Communicate

[betterdeal]

i have yet to see one word in any of these responses. this is the biggest problem that I see on almost ever post on this board. here we go, are you ready.

 

Communicate

 

That would require the other party listening or, in the case of a thread on an online forum, reading, to have any effect. You appear to have missed Post #4

[yzyzyz325]

I too was in the exact same position in my last relationship. I also consdier myself to be very independent and do require space to myself. My significant other was not the same way and wanted to spend every moment with me. I look back and I feel guilty at times, but my carefree and independent nature is what makes me who I am. It's funny my ex was also signigicantly younger than me. We had a 6 year age gap.

Well, question, how to define your carefreeness or independence? Is it carefree when your gf/bf tell u that they had job interviews today and u can't even be bothered to ask how the interviews went? Or is it independent when your gf/bf ask you to teach them to play tennis and you say no because it's boring to teach ppl? My ex gf did those to me, i dont know if u would thk those are rational carefree and independent. anyways, if someone are being that kind of carefree or independent, then they should never ever get into any relationships as they are just way too immature and selfish

[flitzanu]

i have yet to see one word in any of these responses. this is the biggest problem that I see on almost ever post on this board. here we go, are you ready.

 

Communicate

 

that's what i meant by this by saying "discuss":

 

"it would feel too dishonest to create drama and "convince" her to hate me though. i suppose the only step is to discuss what's on my heart and mind and see how she feels about it."

[flitzanu]

Well, question, how to define your carefreeness or independence? Is it carefree when your gf/bf tell u that they had job interviews today and u can't even be bothered to ask how the interviews went? Or is it independent when your gf/bf ask you to teach them to play tennis and you say no because it's boring to teach ppl? My ex gf did those to me, i dont know if u would thk those are rational carefree and independent. anyways, if someone are being that kind of carefree or independent, then they should never ever get into any relationships as they are just way too immature and selfish

 

no, i don't think that's carefree and independent, that's just blatantly selfish and egotistical.

 

carefree and independent meaning that i don't need to be around you 24/7 to be happy, and that i have activities and a life that don't revolve around a "girlfriend".

 

of course one could argue, if i was truly into someone, that i'd want to spend 24/7 with them, but to me it's more about toleration. not many people i can even tolerate 24/7, much less spend every waking minute with another person. that's just suffocating.

[Chi townD]

no, i don't think that's carefree and independent, that's just blatantly selfish and egotistical.

 

carefree and independent meaning that i don't need to be around you 24/7 to be happy, and that i have activities and a life that don't revolve around a "girlfriend".

 

of course one could argue, if i was truly into someone, that i'd want to spend 24/7 with them, but to me it's more about toleration. not many people i can even tolerate 24/7, much less spend every waking minute with another person. that's just suffocating.

 

I agree with Flitz. I think it's healthly for a relationship if the two spend SOME time apart. To have different hobbies and interests that take you out of the others company for a little while. But, I don't agree with ending a perfectly good and viable relationship because, and ONLY because, the other person is smothering; that's an easy fix. I agree that a serious talk is in order.

[Ajax]

no, i don't think that's carefree and independent, that's just blatantly selfish and egotistical.

 

carefree and independent meaning that i don't need to be around you 24/7 to be happy, and that i have activities and a life that don't revolve around a "girlfriend".

 

of course one could argue, if i was truly into someone, that i'd want to spend 24/7 with them, but to me it's more about toleration. not many people i can even tolerate 24/7, much less spend every waking minute with another person. that's just suffocating.

 

flitzanu, I can relate to your situation. I've posted a thread a month or so ago about my girlfriend's insecurity.

 

Like you, I appreciate time to myself or with friends, which my girlfriend seems resentful of. She seems to need constant affirmation of my feelings, and wants me to talk to her for hours every night. I had a discussion about it a few weeks ago and things were better for a while, but she's slipping back into that pattern again. Her need for my constant attention is actually pushing me away.

 

We talked again about it last night, but if it persists I don't see how I can be happy with her.

 

I think it would be a good idea to talk with your girlfriend about this. She may just not understand how you have differing needs. You may both need to make some compromises to make it work. Or it may not work out for either of you after all, but at least you'll have given it the best chance you could.

[flitzanu]

flitzanu, I can relate to your situation. I've posted a thread a month or so ago about my girlfriend's insecurity.

 

Like you, I appreciate time to myself or with friends, which my girlfriend seems resentful of. She seems to need constant affirmation of my feelings, and wants me to talk to her for hours every night. I had a discussion about it a few weeks ago and things were better for a while, but she's slipping back into that pattern again. Her need for my constant attention is actually pushing me away.

 

We talked again about it last night, but if it persists I don't see how I can be happy with her.

 

I think it would be a good idea to talk with your girlfriend about this. She may just not understand how you have differing needs. You may both need to make some compromises to make it work. Or it may not work out for either of you after all, but at least you'll have given it the best chance you could.

 

you NAILED it with this. you know what i'm talking about.

 

so many people will take it as needing to go flirt or search for "greener grass" but it really isn't that at all, it's just human need for socialization, or i go crazy and repress and stagnate.

[Ajax]

you NAILED it with this. you know what i'm talking about.

 

so many people will take it as needing to go flirt or search for "greener grass" but it really isn't that at all, it's just human need for socialization, or i go crazy and repress and stagnate.

 

It can certainly be frustrating. I've always enjoyed reading a book before I go to bed, but I haven't done that since getting together with my girlfriend because she gets upset if I don't talk to her until she's ready to go to bed. And for two weeks I had planned to go to my friends for the Superbowl, but at the last minute she lay a guilt trip on me for not staying home and talking with her. I don't have a strong temper, but I almost flipped my lid.

 

I do enjoy our time together, but I also need time to myself and friends. I'm looking for a "middle way," but she's going to have to meet me half way.

[geegirl]

It can certainly be frustrating. I've always enjoyed reading a book before I go to bed, but I haven't done that since getting together with my girlfriend because she gets upset if I don't talk to her until she's ready to go to bed. And for two weeks I had planned to go to my friends for the Superbowl, but at the last minute she lay a guilt trip on me for not staying home and talking with her. I don't have a strong temper, but I almost flipped my lid.

 

I do enjoy our time together, but I also need time to myself and friends. I'm looking for a "middle way," but she's going to have to meet me half way.

 

I have a girlfriend that needs to constantly be with her boyfriend and I while I am not in the relationship with them, I almost feel suffocated being around them.

 

There has to be balance of space and time between cultivating your own life and sharing yourself with another. I think people that attach this way become extensions of their partner. Another person's life is much more appealing when you don't have one of your own. Dependency is not healthy.

 

I don't think she can meet you halfway, Ajax. I think she will have to be with someone that requires the same level of neediness. It's just who she is and there is something about her emotional make that will always demand it.

[flitzanu]

ironically i might add, my ex (reason i was here a year ago - now) used this as an excuse against me too. that i seemed distant and stubborn to change, and that i didn't want to spend every minute with her, therefore i hated her and wasn't committed.

 

bleh.

 

we always repeat our cycles...that's what people need to recognize.

[Graceful]

after all the reading on this site, one would think i'd know my own advice and how to follow this situation.

 

some days in my current sitch (with a much younger girl) i feel burdened and put-out. i'm vehemently independent, and that's part of my issue. i don't do well with people acting co-dependent.

 

same time though, i just feel like i'm being selfish if someone doesn't understand i require a lot of "space" and personal time alone. maybe some of us just aren't equipped with being "happy" dedicating so much time to another person?

 

Actually, you need to redefine yourself as an introvert, rather than saying this is a matter of your being an independent person.

 

An introvert is a personality type and this can get very confused with other traits. The bottom line for an introvert is that they are people who need to recharge themselves (their "batteries" so to speak) by stepping away and being alone, and they tend to be people who, after a period of time around other people, feel drained. This is why they have a need to retreat and be alone, or require more sufficient space than extroverts.

 

Extroverts are the converse. They get their energy by being around other people, and even re-charge that way. They thrive on attention, for some, the more the better.

 

This is a very short version what is actually a more complicated personality pattern. Let's also say that everyone who is an introvert, is NOT a "10" -- if you see what I mean, there are some people who are way off the chart in terms of the "downtime" they require, and other introverts that might be a "1" or a "2" and do not have the need for downtime as frequently.

 

Same with extroverts. They're not ALL way off the charts.

 

But what you need to understand is that this is a basic, core personality trait, and not something that can be changed --- what you need to think about is being with someone who can COMPROMISE with you, and you with them, with neither person trying to actually CHANGE the other.

 

That's your challenge in the future. Finding someone who can compromise with you, who can meet you as an introvert, even if that person is an extrovert. Your brain is wired differently than an extrovert's brain, it's not something you can turn off or change. You need to embrace your dominant personality traits in order to have more effective relationships and not confuse the issue by letting someone else try to force fit into your life that is not a compatible match for you. You do not need a mirror image of yourself to succeed in a relationship by any means, but you need to realistically assess if a potential partner is someone who is willing to compromise and understand this aspect of your personality, in the same way that you will have to make compromises for someone else as well. GL.

[Ajax]

Actually, you need to redefine yourself as an introvert, rather than saying this is a matter of your being an independent person.

 

I think Graceful reads TIME Magazine, which helps explain why she's such a well informed person

 

There was an article in it two or three weeks ago discussing Introverts vs. Extroverts, and it definitely struck a cord with me. Like Grace said, there's a spectrum that people tend to fall along. I'm more of an "Ambivert" and fall in the middle.

 

It's interesting that this was brought up now, since I was pondering this very aspect regarding this thread. There are personality tests you can take that give you an idea of where you fall. You can get them at book stores if you're interested.

 

But she's right in that you/we probably would do well to find someone who compliments this aspect of our personality, and vice versa.

[Graceful]

I think Graceful reads TIME Magazine, which helps explain why she's such a well informed person

 

There was an article in it two or three weeks ago discussing Introverts vs. Extroverts, and it definitely struck a cord with me. Like Grace said, there's a spectrum that people tend to fall along. I'm more of an "Ambivert" and fall in the middle.

 

It's interesting that this was brought up now, since I was pondering this very aspect regarding this thread. There are personality tests you can take that give you an idea of where you fall. You can get them at book stores if you're interested.

 

But she's right in that you/we probably would do well to find someone who compliments this aspect of our personality, and vice versa.

 

Really? No, I don't read TIME, and haven't for years. Does anyone read TIME anymore? I have all this knowledge in my noggin.

 

But seriously, there is a tendency here (which is only natural) to dwell on the breakup and lack of compatibility, but one of the reasons I am not here much anymore, is that to me, the relationship failure should act (and IS) a catalyst to learn and figure yourself out. And yes, personality type has a lot to do with successful or unsuccessful r/l's and also plays into how well you work with someone as a "team", a critical aspect of any relationship.

 

If you fall into the mid-zone, it does make it harder to assess, but everyone has a DOMINANT side, and even if it is just barely in the zone, you should still consider that your dominant side, and yes, you're probably an introvert, Ajax, which again, does not mean anything negative, but you certainly would have a hard time with a very dominant extrovert, which might be the type your current GF is and why she just doesn't "get" you.

 

In any event, I absolutely positively LOVE a guy that likes to read to wind down at the end of the day or evening. That to me, is very sexy. So there you go. Heh. And nice to see you as always.

[flitzanu]

Actually, you need to redefine yourself as an introvert, rather than saying this is a matter of your being an independent person.

 

An introvert is a personality type and this can get very confused with other traits. The bottom line for an introvert is that they are people who need to recharge themselves (their "batteries" so to speak) by stepping away and being alone, and they tend to be people who, after a period of time around other people, feel drained. This is why they have a need to retreat and be alone, or require more sufficient space than extroverts.

 

Extroverts are the converse. They get their energy by being around other people, and even re-charge that way. They thrive on attention, for some, the more the better.

 

This is a very short version what is actually a more complicated personality pattern. Let's also say that everyone who is an introvert, is NOT a "10" -- if you see what I mean, there are some people who are way off the chart in terms of the "downtime" they require, and other introverts that might be a "1" or a "2" and do not have the need for downtime as frequently.

 

Same with extroverts. They're not ALL way off the charts.

 

But what you need to understand is that this is a basic, core personality trait, and not something that can be changed --- what you need to think about is being with someone who can COMPROMISE with you, and you with them, with neither person trying to actually CHANGE the other.

 

That's your challenge in the future. Finding someone who can compromise with you, who can meet you as an introvert, even if that person is an extrovert. Your brain is wired differently than an extrovert's brain, it's not something you can turn off or change. You need to embrace your dominant personality traits in order to have more effective relationships and not confuse the issue by letting someone else try to force fit into your life that is not a compatible match for you. You do not need a mirror image of yourself to succeed in a relationship by any means, but you need to realistically assess if a potential partner is someone who is willing to compromise and understand this aspect of your personality, in the same way that you will have to make compromises for someone else as well. GL.

 

again, someone who GETS it. i do NEED to "recharge".

 

alas...i'm both. that's the complication with being Aquarian...i'm just a contradiction i'm a very shy person who needs alone time...but also extroverted and thrive on social interaction and attention. my balance is finding both.

 

one day i may have the huge desire and need to be alone or hide, and then the next day i have to be exposed to crowds. that's where the misunderstanding comes in, because some people just can't get that. or, they can't be ok with it.

 

which i do understand...but it's a constant struggle for me, because my natural batteries need adjusting, but in my ear i'm being buzzed with guilt trips about "not being available".