Commitment issues? What does she want?

[sghffdmc]

So I have been "talking" to this wonderful girl for exactly two weeks now. Mind you, talking is the college term, at least around here, for the phase before actually starting an official relationship.

 

We started out as just friends and I never imagined it'd come to be more than that, but now I really like this girl. And she really likes me, she's actually the one who made the first move because I was too blind to see she did like me as more than a friend.

 

Anyways, these past 2 weeks have been really good. We've kissed and done some other things, but no sex. It feels like she's my girlfriend when I'm with her. I also just took her out to dinner for our first real date on Friday and we both had a really good time. However, we've had talks about "what we are" lately and now I'm starting to get confused.

 

She keeps on saying she wants to "go with the flow", but recently when I said I would like to eventually officially start dating her she hesitated. She started asking me questions like how do you know if that's what you really want, what if you want to hook up with other girls, are you sure you have been single long enough (I ended a 2 year relationship 5 months ago), etc. I answered those questions by trying to reassure her that I want to be with her, but she still wasn't fully receptive or idk how else to say it, but it made me wonder if perhaps those are all questions that she's currently asking herself and not sure about? I don't know, but it's led me to believe that maybe she has commitment issues. After all, we basically are official now, just without any label. We both are not seeking other people and to be honest we are both perfectly happy with each other.

 

The last time we talked about relationships, she told me she's scared of them because she always messes them up. I don't know what to do, but I do know that I really like this girl a lot and would really like to start officially dating her. Idk why, but having the official title just makes me more comfortable and in a way happier.

 

What should I do? Do you think it's possible she's having doubts about me? Should I just give it more time? How much time is too much time? Any input is greatly appreciated...

[spiderowl]

It sounds to me like she's asking the sort of questions that are bothering her. She is wondering if you really have got over your previous relationship. Some guys rush into another relationship, due to strong sexual needs, when they are still emotionally attached to their ex. She wants to be sure you are emotionally free.

 

She is also wary about getting too serious too soon. It sounds like things haven't worked out well for her in the past and she's being very cautious and seeing how it goes. I can understand you feel you want to know where you stand at the moment, but she isn't at the same stage yet. She's just enjoying spending time with you, maybe wondering where it will go, but not yet feeling the attachment you seem to feel. She might get there: she is spending time with you, having fun, and you are both getting closer. Difficult though it is for you, I think you could back off a little on the commitment question and wait until she feels more relaxed and more certain about what she wants. Two weeks is quite soon for a commitment.

 

If you are worried about whether she's sleeping with anyone else, even though you haven't got to that stage with her yet, I'm sure there will come a moment when you can bring this up. You can say you only sleep with one woman at a time. If she can't at least commit to being exclusive sexually at least, even if she's not sure you are the only one for her for ever, then maybe you are not right for each other. Most people want to know they are not sharing their partners.

[sghffdmc]

Thank you spiderowl, that helps a lot.

 

I can tell you that I know 100% for a fact I am beyond over my ex. I've expressed that to this girl as well and I'm pretty sure she believes me; I don't think that's a big issue.

 

Also, regarding the whole commitment thing, I agree that 2 weeks is much too soon. However, something that scared me or at least made me worry a little was when we were having a talk about relationships, she said she is scared of relationships because "she always finds a way to mess them up". She pointed back to a guy she "talked" (dated unofficially) for 10 months, but as soon as they made it official, he dumped her a month later. For some reason she thought it was her fault and she has tried to tell me every relationship has ended because of her. I told her she's crazy and probably just being too hard on herself and it's probably because she hasn't really found the right guy to date yet. She somewhat agreed.

 

She also has openly admitted to me that she does have a "wall" up because of past experiences with other guys. She then told me I treat her so well and am so nice to her that it scares her because no one has ever treated her like that before. Perhaps at first she thought it was just an act, but I think the longer we talk and the more we hang out, the more she realizes I am a genuine person.

 

In the back of my head I know and have this feeling that everything will be okay and I'm sure I will start eventually dating her officially, but I tend to over think things and worry about them because of my past as well. I've been strung along many times and to me that can hurt worse than being dumped.

 

With that being said, do you think it's reasonable to bring it up again in 2 or 3 more weeks? At that point we will have been "talking" for about a month and a half which I consider somewhat of a long time for this stage. Or am I just stressing and should I let everything happen as they naturally will?

 

Thank you again!

[thatone]

i just posted this in another thread but it bears repeating...

 

stop talking about this stuff. really.

 

you need more action and less words, and leave no room for speculation on her part.

 

she asks "wouldn't you want to hook up with other girls?"

you respond "why would i do that when i am with you?"

 

she says she "always screws up relationships"

you respond "why make something that's supposed to be fun difficult? this isn't complicated it's easy"

 

she'll want to agree with you. compliment her, compliment yourself even. make things seem simple. don't demand that she answer questions about your relationship status. there's no point in that. progress to the point where you're having regular sex and until then don't worry about labels and talking about your relationship or lack thereof. talking about it is always harder than actually acting out the relationship, because you might or might not be on the same page.

 

talk about that stuff after you're having regular sex with her. then you'll struggle to say or do anything wrong, honestly.

[sghffdmc]

thatone, thank you. I will take that advice to heart, although some of it might be difficult because she is a virgin haha. But I get the basic gist of what you were trying to get across.

 

Oh, something else that I need to ask everyone - what do I do about Valentines day? I've never been at this "talking" stage for this holiday before. I think she is going to a movie with a bunch of her girlfriends, so I guess dinner is out of the question. Should I do/get anything for her?

[thatone]

ok, but yeah, you get my idea. stop over analyzing and over discussing. just make her feel comfortable, attractive, and happy, and everything else will work out fine. she's human just like you are, she'll respond to the same things that make you comfortable and happy.