Will things change as soon as we have sex?

[surferchic]

Hello all. I want to start by saying in the past I was physically intimate sooner than later with the guys ive dated in the past. And for some reason or another we didnt work out... I feel somewhat paranoid of things getting weird after finally have sex with a guy. Especially since this new relationship 'seems' to be going better than most and he's still pursuing me.

 

Currently, I've been seeing this guy for a little over 2 months now. This is the longest I've held out on having sex with a Guy...since my 'first', in high school. Im a grown woman now though and I must say I really like this new guy. Though we're both physically attracted to each other, I don't feel like jumping his bones every minute im with him. I think its due to the way we started out...

 

A friend introduced us. We knew we had similar backgrounds prior to meeting. Also, I feel like he's a close friend that I've known forever, but its only been a few months. I feel really comfortable around him. We joke, laugh and talk about almost anything.

 

Yes we've had several 'close calls'. It's amazing how intense we get without having sex. We know that we want to take it to that next level physically but I really don't want sex to mess things up. Once I told him we may be moving a little too fast simply because I don't want the physical to get in the way of getting to know each other better. Its amazing how much healthier this relationship feels compared to others where I had sex so much sooner. I could be wrong but waiting to have sex does have its rewards. Still...I feel like the next time I see him I may become so weak that we may go all the way because of the way he looks/stares at me out of the blue and holds me. Additionally, a mutual guy friend told me in confidence that he has never heard my new guy

talk about how much he likes a female, this much EVER...

 

I know that doesn't mean EVERYTHING but isn't that at least a good sign of...something ...? We've told one another that we do really like each other's company and he is constantly calling me beautiful and telling me that he loves being around me and wont let me lift a finger to do anything when im with him. Seems to be very much a gentleman.

 

How does one decide when to have sex,especially when they value "waiting"? And what can I do to avoid "doing it" before it's the right time?

 

Feedback is much needed and appreciated...

[mitchell]

I assume you two are just not having intercourse. Are you intimate and affectionate in other ways. Do you cuddle, make out, etc...? When you say things are "intense", are you giving him BJ's and does he go down on you?

 

As long as you are pleasing each other and are both satisfied, intercourse is not an absolute necessity at this point in your relationship.

[musemaj11]

If he paid for it, then he deserves it. Unless he didnt, then its your call.

[thatone]

honestly, it's not fair to him, your mindset.

 

as musemaj said, although i wouldn't consider him a wise source of advice (no offense), he has done everything right. he doesn't deserve mistrust carried over from your prior relationships. they weren't him, it's unfair to judge him by your past.

 

furthermore, if you persist in doing so for a length of time that exceeds his patience, this guy will catch on to that and be gone, at some point.

 

you're projecting, in short. men are not attached to women by sex, for the most part. your failed past relationships had nothing to do with sex or lack of sex. you picked those men, and if they were that bad you picked badly. having sex with them or not has no bearing on the relationships with them. the sex only affected your perception, not theirs, in at least the majority of cases, due to the above...men are not attached to women via sex.

[ShannonMI]

Hello all. I want to start by saying in the past I was physically intimate sooner than later with the guys ive dated in the past. And for some reason or another we didnt work out... I feel somewhat paranoid of things getting weird after finally have sex with a guy. Especially since this new relationship 'seems' to be going better than most and he's still pursuing me.

 

Currently, I've been seeing this guy for a little over 2 months now. This is the longest I've held out on having sex with a Guy...since my 'first', in high school. Im a grown woman now though and I must say I really like this new guy. Though we're both physically attracted to each other, I don't feel like jumping his bones every minute im with him. I think its due to the way we started out...

 

A friend introduced us. We knew we had similar backgrounds prior to meeting. Also, I feel like he's a close friend that I've known forever, but its only been a few months. I feel really comfortable around him. We joke, laugh and talk about almost anything.

 

Yes we've had several 'close calls'. It's amazing how intense we get without having sex. We know that we want to take it to that next level physically but I really don't want sex to mess things up. Once I told him we may be moving a little too fast simply because I don't want the physical to get in the way of getting to know each other better. Its amazing how much healthier this relationship feels compared to others where I had sex so much sooner. I could be wrong but waiting to have sex does have its rewards. Still...I feel like the next time I see him I may become so weak that we may go all the way because of the way he looks/stares at me out of the blue and holds me. Additionally, a mutual guy friend told me in confidence that he has never heard my new guy

talk about how much he likes a female, this much EVER...

 

I know that doesn't mean EVERYTHING but isn't that at least a good sign of...something ...? We've told one another that we do really like each other's company and he is constantly calling me beautiful and telling me that he loves being around me and wont let me lift a finger to do anything when im with him. Seems to be very much a gentleman.

 

How does one decide when to have sex,especially when they value "waiting"? And what can I do to avoid "doing it" before it's the right time?

 

Feedback is much needed and appreciated...

Guys don't particularly respect girls who give it up right away. So it's good to make a man wait. Build a mutual respect and liking for each other before you have sex. That is the best way to go. You want your relationship to be based on more then the physical. And a man who is willing to wait for sex and not give you hard time about it is a good dude. He sounds like a keeper:)

 

When you are ready, you'll know. Don't stress too much about it. It sounds like your guy is cool with waiting.

Edited February 6, 2012 by ShannonMI

[ScienceGal]

surferchic, you do what is right for you. period. If a guy bails because you didn't have sex with him on his terms and his timeframe, he wasn't into you as much as you deserve someone to be. You've dodged a bullet in such a case.

 

What I am about to say is based upon the fact that you do believe in pre-marital sex and that you enjoy physical intimacy, but want to be sure of when things should escalate to intercourse. Sex too soon can have a negative effect on a relationship, but, there can be the potential to wait too long as well. I would say within 3-4 months (in my opinion.. could be longer for other people) you should be able to gauge how much you trust this guy. What are the red flags (if any)? How does he really make you feel in non-physical ways? Be honest. BUT, you commented that you're being physically intimate in other ways... so, you're more than friends, therefore, not risking the chance of being friendzoned. You've confirmed physical chemistry and attraction. You take things at your speed from here until you figure out the rest.

 

I say continue being open and honest, and intimate in whatever ways you have been. Reassure him you really like him and just keep getting to know him. As far as avoiding doing it "too soon", that's really up to you and your strong will. Avoiding drugs and alcohol (inhibition erasers) is a good start.

 

And, every relationship is a risk. All you can do is give it your best shot while listening to your gut and being true to yourself. At some point, you take the plunge. We all do

 

Good luck

Edited February 6, 2012 by ScienceGal

[surferchic]

I assume you two are just not having intercourse. Are you intimate and affectionate in other ways. Do you cuddle, make out, etc...? When you say things are "intense", are you giving him BJ's and does he go down on you?

 

As long as you are pleasing each other and are both satisfied, intercourse is not an absolute necessity at this point in your relationship.

 

You're correct. We aren't having intercourse, but we make out. When we cuddle its amazing. When we kiss its amazing. Yes we give each other oral from time to time but not all the time. we definitely make out each time were together...give each other cutesy looks when we're out in public. He just told me he misses me and I can't stop thinking about him. Each time we're together he tells me how much he enjoys being around me. We make each other laugh constantly. When we leave one another he gives me this look/stare as if he has something to say... and holds me as if he doesn't want me to go but he wont ever come out and say that. He said he can never get enough of me...that's about it.

 

What is he thinking? He doesn't express his affection much with words but is constantly treating me like a princess. Breakfast in bed, taking the dishes, taking me out, I feel like I love him but I don't wanna get ahead of myself or mess things up...

[surferchic]

Thanks ~shannon~

[Cypress25]

What is he thinking? He doesn't express his affection much with words but is constantly treating me like a princess.

 

Obviously, he's thinking that he really likes you. Sounds like the beginning of a wonderful, healthy relationship. I know this is a first for you, so it may seem like you're doing something weird and out of the ordinary, but this is how most normal relationships start. They don't start with sex. They gradually build up to sex over time. There's no need to rush into sex before you're ready. If he really likes you (and it seems like he does), he'll wait. In the meantime, just keep doing what you've been doing. It doesn't sound like he has a problem with it.

[surferchic]

surferchic, you do what is right for you. period. If a guy bails because you didn't have sex with him on his terms and his timeframe, he wasn't into you as much as you deserve someone to be. You've dodged a bullet in such a case.

 

What I am about to say is based upon the fact that you do believe in pre-marital sex and that you enjoy physical intimacy, but want to be sure of when things should escalate to intercourse. Sex too soon can have a negative effect on a relationship, but, there can be the potential to wait too long as well. I would say within 3-4 months (in my opinion.. could be longer for other people) you should be able to gauge how much you trust this guy. What are the red flags (if any)? How does he really make you feel in non-physical ways? Be honest. BUT, you commented that you're being physically intimate in other ways... so, you're more than friends, therefore, not risking the chance of being friendzoned. You've confirmed physical chemistry and attraction. You take things at your speed from here until you figure out the rest.

 

I say continue being open and honest, and intimate in whatever ways you have been. Reassure him you really like him and just keep getting to know him. As far as avoiding doing it "too soon", that's really up to you and your strong will. Avoiding drugs and alcohol (inhibition erasers) is a good start.

 

And, every relationship is a risk. All you can do is give it your best shot while listening to your gut and being true to yourself. At some point, you take the plunge. We all do

 

Good luck

 

Thank you so much for this response... I may even use it as a reference from time to time! Lol.thnx!

[make me believe]

From what you've written, it sounds like you're overthinking this by waiting for the "perfect" time, and you're definitely punishing him (so to speak) for your past experiences.

 

I don't think that sex had anything to do with why things didn't work out with guys in your past. I agree with thatone... you're assuming sex had something to do with it because it colored YOUR perception, but you said yourself that "for some reason or another things didn't work out." This doesn't mean the sex had ANYTHING to do with it.

 

Your current guy sounds great. Have you talked about this issue with him? Maybe you should be open with him, and tell him that you're having trouble with how far to go with your intimacy because of your fear of how it will change your relationship. But really... if you're having oral sex, I don't see how having penetrative sex is going to change things that much.

[Eddie Edirol]

Surfer, its pretty amazing how men can act perfect and patient to get in your pants, and then bail once they get what they want. It doesnt happen often, but he can pull the wool over your eyes just by telling you what you like to hear. Sex is a compatibility issue just like anything else. and if you dont do it in a way that he likes, then he will consider it an incompatibility and bail, but it wouldnt mean that he waited for sex just to bail either. Its the same as the compatibility of living together. You dont know if you can live with each other until you try it and work on it. So youre taking a chance on getting attached to a man without knowing about all your compatibilities first. You really should not be withholding sex just to avoid him walking away. You cant be afraid of letting him go as a filter. if he leaves, he didnt feel that strongly about you. You shouldnt be getting this attached to someone this early to begin with. You have to make sure you arent overlooking blatant red flags, you have to make sure youre not getting attached to him because you dont want to keep looking, theres a number of reasons to be cautious, but putting all your eggs in one basked (sex) is one sure way to get seriously hurt.

 

Sex too early isnt bad, that is just the bad men you chose. you might have a keeper, but if you ignore other things, you might not have a keeper. Dont use sex to find that out. get sex out of the way, and make sure there arent other incompatibilities first.

Edited February 7, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[Cypress25]

From what you've written, it sounds like you're overthinking this by waiting for the "perfect" time, and you're definitely punishing him (so to speak) for your past experiences.

 

Punishing him? He's dating a wonderful woman, they're having fun together, they enjoy affection and intimacy with each other, and they get along great. How is that a punishment for him? Just because they're not having sex yet doesn't mean he's being punished. If you think of any relationship without sex as a punishment, then you've never really cared about any woman you've dated.

 

So youre taking a chance on getting attached to a man without knowing about all your compatibilities first. You really should not be withholding sex just to avoid him walking away. You cant be afraid of letting him go as a filter. if he leaves, he didnt feel that strongly about you. You shouldnt be getting this attached to someone this early to begin with.

 

You're contradicting yourself. Many woman get attached to a man by having sex with him. Sex is what causes those intense feelings of attachment. So you're saying that she shouldn't get attached to him this early, but she should have sex with him now to make sure they're compatible. Well, she can't do both! Delaying sex is a way of delaying emotional attachment. If she doesn't want to get attached to him, then she should not be having sex with him yet.

 

Personally (and this is true for many women), I become much more attached to a man after we have sex. That's one of the reasons why I wait for sex, because I don't want to get attached to him too early. And it's not withholding sex, it's called "waiting until I'm ready."

 

get sex out of the way, and make sure there arent other incompatibilities first.

 

That's the worst advice I've ever heard. Get sex out of the way? So she should just get it over with, and hope that he still wants to get to know her as a person afterward? That's backwards. There's a reason the OP says this relationship feels so much better and healthier than her previous relationships, where she did "get sex out of the way" first. It's because she's doing it right this time. Sex is so much better when it's with someone you know and trust and feel totally safe and comfortable with.

[surferchic]

Surfer, its pretty amazing how men can act perfect and patient to get in your pants, and then bail once they get what they want. It doesnt happen often, but he can pull the wool over your eyes just by telling you what you like to hear. Sex is a compatibility issue just like anything else. and if you dont do it in a way that he likes, then he will consider it an incompatibility and bail, but it wouldnt mean that he waited for sex just to bail either. Its the same as the compatibility of living together. You dont know if you can live with each other until you try it and work on it. So youre taking a chance on getting attached to a man without knowing about all your compatibilities first. You really should not be withholding sex just to avoid him walking away. You cant be afraid of letting him go as a filter. if he leaves, he didnt feel that strongly about you. You shouldnt be getting this attached to someone this early to begin with. You have to make sure you arent overlooking blatant red flags, you have to make sure youre not getting attached to him because you dont want to keep looking, theres a number of reasons to be cautious, but putting all your eggs in one basked (sex) is one sure way to get seriously hurt.

 

Sex too early isnt bad, that is just the bad men you chose. you might have a keeper, but if you ignore other things, you might not have a keeper. Dont use sex to find that out. get sex out of the way, and make sure there arent other incompatibilities first.

 

Despite your interpretation of my initial post, im not withholding sex to keep him from bailing...it's not like he gets to the "hole" and im constantly saying no. We both are trying not to do it too soon. When we make out we sometimes don't even get that close to 3rd base, yet we're still seeing one another. Sex or no sex is not going to lock me nor him down. I also stated that in my initial post...guess you chose to overlook that...

 

I don't want to have sex with him yet simply because I don't need to screw him to get to know better.And as I said before he isn't pressing the issue I just feel like I may be the one to become weak and open the door. That's it...

[carhill]

Yes we give each other oral from time to time but not all the time.

 

Is his name Bill Clinton?

 

If genitals are involved, that pretty much defines sex, with all due respect to our former POTUS.

 

IMO, intercourse will change little. If it's good, meaning the relationship, it'll be good. If it's not good, not.

 

You're exclusive, monogamous, having sexual contact and apparently bonding emotionally. Time to progress, IMO.

[surferchic]

Punishing him? He's dating a wonderful woman, they're having fun together, they enjoy affection and intimacy with each other, and they get along great. How is that a punishment for him? Just because they're not having sex yet doesn't mean he's being punished. If you think of any relationship without sex as a punishment, then you've never really cared about any woman you've dated.

 

 

 

You're contradicting yourself. Many woman get attached to a man by having sex with him. Sex is what causes those intense feelings of attachment. So you're saying that she shouldn't get attached to him this early, but she should have sex with him now to make sure they're compatible. Well, she can't do both! Delaying sex is a way of delaying emotional attachment. If she doesn't want to get attached to him, then she should not be having sex with him yet.

 

Personally (and this is true for many women), I become much more attached to a man after we have sex. That's one of the reasons why I wait for sex, because I don't want to get attached to him too early. And it's not withholding sex, it's called "waiting until I'm ready."

 

 

 

That's the worst advice I've ever heard. Get sex out of the way? So she should just get it over with, and hope that he still wants to get to know her as a person afterward? That's backwards. There's a reason the OP says this relationship feels so much better and healthier than her previous relationships, where she did "get sex out of the way" first. It's because she's doing it right this time. Sex is so much better when it's with someone you know and trust and feel totally safe and comfortable with.

 

Lol.thank you cypress. All I can do now is laugh at that poster...

[Cypress25]

If genitals are involved, that pretty much defines sex, with all due respect to our former POTUS.

 

IMO, intercourse will change little. If it's good, meaning the relationship, it'll be good. If it's not good, not.

 

Men. They think if genitals are involved, it's all the same. Well, it's not the same to women. Maybe men can just stick it anywhere and not care, but for women, different sexual acts can have a totally different emotional impact. Vaginal intercourse is pretty much the most intimate, vulnerable experience for a woman, generally speaking.

 

You're exclusive, monogamous, having sexual contact and apparently bonding emotionally. Time to progress, IMO.

 

Well, that's a neat little timeline you've got there. Unfortunately, you've left out one major thing: the OP's feelings. Some people like to spend more time bonding emotionally before they progress. If that's how she feels, then it's not time to progress. It's only time to progress when she feels like it, not when she's achieved everything on your checklist.

[carhill]

So I can go over to my best friends house and go down on his wife and it not be sex?

 

You're pissing in the wind, lady.

[xxoo]

So I can go over to my best friends house and go down on his wife and it not be sex?

 

 

I agree with you, Carhill, on the point that oral sex IS sex.

 

Still, the OP needs to decide which sex acts she is ready to engage in, and when. It sounds like she has some trust issues, and taking that step can be scary.

 

OP--there is no reason that progressing to intercourse at this point should have a negative effect on his feelings for you. If anything, I'd expect intercourse to make him feel closer to you.

 

Why do you associate progressing to intercourse with being "weak"? If and when you do decide to do that, see it as a decision of strength and courage--not a moment of weakness!

[Cypress25]

So I can go over to my best friends house and go down on his wife and it not be sex?

 

No, it wouldn't be sex, but she would still be cheating on her husband. Do you understand? You can be unfaithful to your spouse without having sex. Engaging in any kind of sexual act with another man/woman counts as infidelity. It doesn't have to be vaginal intercourse. Kissing isn't sex either, but kissing your friend's wife is still cheating.

[xxoo]

No, it wouldn't be sex,

 

So, lesbians don't have sex?

 

This argument is sooooo 1998

[Cypress25]

So, lesbians don't have sex?

 

To be honest, I don't know how lesbians have penetrative sex. I suppose they use a dildo or something. If it works for them, that's all that matters.

 

I stand by my argument that not all sexual acts are the same. A hand job is not the same as a blow job, a blow job is not the same as vaginal intercourse. Infidelity covers every kind of sexual act there is, but that doesn't mean all sexual acts are the same. (That's why Bill Clinton was in trouble, remember. It doesn't matter which sexual act they engaged in, the fact remains that he cheated on his wife. And with a White House employee, no less.)

 

And when you're in a relationship, the most important thing is how you feel about each sexual act that you engage in. You don't feel the same during/after oral sex as you do during/after vaginal intercourse. Telling a woman that it should all be the same to her is pointless, because it's not all the same to her. It's a different experience and it has a different effect on you. It's not like "Oh, he touched my vagina, we might as well have sex now." If the OP is ready for oral but not vaginal sex, there's nothing wrong with that. And if someone is ready for vaginal but not oral sex, there's nothing wrong with that either. Just because you're ready for one sexual act doesn't necessarily mean you'll be ready for other sexual acts.

[make me believe]

Is his name Bill Clinton?

 

If genitals are involved, that pretty much defines sex, with all due respect to our former POTUS.

 

IMO, intercourse will change little. If it's good, meaning the relationship, it'll be good. If it's not good, not.

 

You're exclusive, monogamous, having sexual contact and apparently bonding emotionally. Time to progress, IMO.

 

Agreed 100%. All of this hemming & hawing about when to "give it up" even though they are already having oral sex makes absolutely no sense to me. She sure is making it into one big power exchange, as xxoo pointed out by asking why having intercourse is considered "weak" but oral sex is fine & dandy.

[Cypress25]

All of this hemming & hawing about when to "give it up" even though they are already having oral sex makes absolutely no sense to me. She sure is making it into one big power exchange, as xxoo pointed out by asking why having intercourse is considered "weak" but oral sex is fine & dandy.

 

Because she feels differently about oral sex than she does about vaginal intercourse. Why is that so hard for you to understand? If it's all the same to you, then you should be just as satisfied with oral sex as you are with vaginal intercourse. You wouldn't even need vaginal intercourse if you were having oral sex, because it's the same thing, right?

 

Or could it be that you also see a difference between the two sexual acts? You know it's not the same, that's why you're so eager to "progress" from oral to vaginal sex. If they were the same, you wouldn't need to progress from one to the next. You'll never be able to convince women that all sexual acts are the same, and women should therefore be ready for all of them at once. In fact, you'll never be able to convince anyone that they should feel a certain way about anything. You can't tell other people how to feel. The smart women respect their own feelings and they don't do anything that they don't feel ready for. The stupid women listen to guys like you who are trying to tell them how to feel.

 

Why don't you just say what you really mean? "Have sex with him now, no matter how you feel about it, because your feelings are stupid and they don't matter." That's what you're really trying to say, isn't it?

[Eddie Edirol]

Despite your interpretation of my initial post, im not withholding sex to keep him from bailing...it's not like he gets to the "hole" and im constantly saying no. We both are trying not to do it too soon. When we make out we sometimes don't even get that close to 3rd base, yet we're still seeing one another. Sex or no sex is not going to lock me nor him down. I also stated that in my initial post...guess you chose to overlook that...

 

I don't want to have sex with him yet simply because I don't need to screw him to get to know better.And as I said before he isn't pressing the issue I just feel like I may be the one to become weak and open the door. That's it...

 

Well apparently you only want to hear from people who agree with you thinking that you should wait on sex only because you dont know where you stand. Or you just want to hear that your man picker isnt broken anymore, no one can tell you that. Ill overlook your ill tempered defensiveness over getting attached so quickly. My point is that if you and him are on the same page emotionally, (well you dont know, but you hope you are) the only way things will change is if you finally have sex, and you find out youre not compatible. Maybe you find out he wants to do things you dont want to do or vice versa. Most likely, they'll get better. But bottom line, things could pop up that could ruin this relationship, yes. You have to eventually take the chance like everyone else.

 

Delaying that isnt going to make the relationship last any longer, or make it any better, its just going to make it more painful to let go, if theres a problem. waiting doesnt always mean youre doing it right, it most likely (as other people have already stated) that you dont know what you did wrong. You will still continue to build bonds after sex, hell, you can wait another year without sex and see where that gets you. Whether you want to admit it or not, "screwing him", if thats how you think of it, IS getting to know him better. I thought thats what you wanted to do?

Edited February 7, 2012 by Eddie Edirol