smokey bear Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 Ok so i suppose im here cause i need advice. Contact has been re-established with the ex and im in a catch 22 situation. Ok so the facts of where he is, he loves me but isnt in love with me. He doesnt want a relationship, right now he needs to sort his head out and his life out. He is very accomodating and understands my hurt and feelings, is now in a position where he can deal with it and it doesnt frustrate him, he's sympathetic. He has let me back in, he opens up about his thoughts and feelings. He tells me what he is up to etc, offered freely. We have met 3 times in the past week or so 2 of which instigated by him. Ok so the catch 22. Do i build up friendship again, show change and let a bond form again, which could put me in the friendzone and in all honesty it hurts like chit being in contact and not a couple. Or do i go nc and heal and let himmiss me, taking the chance that the bond never comes back or he moves on. Any and every opinion if welcome......
pinkie Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 I would say go nc... for fear of being friendzoned... but what do i know... The fear is the hardest to overcome. You want to take what you can get, but at the same time, it's going to be awfully painful. You want more, he doesn't. I would say give him the space and let him sort his life out. Maybe he'll miss you and hit the 're-set' button... in time. *where's Wilsonx when u need him..lol
RecordProducer Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 My ex-husband has the typical GIGS syndrome that you've described in your threads - he's had it his whole life. Whenever I went NC, he always looked for substitute companionship. When I went seriously NC, 7 months later he found someone else. While I was in his life on and off, he was unsure but restless, he loved me and enjoyed being with me, albeit wasn't prepared for commitment after he broke it off. I personally am not prepared to take him back if he ever wants to come back - after he's been in a relationhsip with another woman, so the NC does nothing for me but keeps him out of my way. I don't think the connection should be broken between you two. I think you should be friends but not lovers - to keep him around but still be far away. However, if he has a GF, it's a different story. You can be around and see if they break up. If they don't break up within a certain amount of time (e.g. 3 months), I'd go NC.
chelsea2011 Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 If I heard I love you but I'm not in love with you, that would be my que to go NC. No buts or ifs...period. I hope you are focusing on yourself and not just GIGS. He has you in his pocket and knows it and is taking you for granted. Time to let go and live your life. If he comes back, he comes back and it was meant to be. I wouldn't keep measuring the outcome because it may keep you from focusing on what you really need to do and that is set a personal boundary and not put up with that kind of treatment. What he said is down right cold IMHO. Don't lose the woman you are in the process.
PelicanPete Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be hanging around him for much longer. He's not going to fall in love with you again out of sympathy. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you were the one that initiated the reconnection. If a girl I dated, that wanted to get back together, stuck around during my phase of wanting to be single, the first thoughts that would pop into my head would be that she's desperate or she's scared. I never really see "I love you, but I'm not inlove with you" as a good sign. I see it more as "I met someone else, and they made me realize I never loved you at all". He is free to offer information to you probably because he no longer sees you as a threat. He's demonstrating you've lost that power over his emotions. He's lost that attraction to you, but thinks you're a good person and still wants you in his life. I'm going with everyone else and saying NC is the best option here.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be hanging around him for much longer. He's not going to fall in love with you again out of sympathy. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you were the one that initiated the reconnection. If a girl I dated, that wanted to get back together, stuck around during my phase of wanting to be single, the first thoughts that would pop into my head would be that she's desperate or she's scared. I never really see "I love you, but I'm not inlove with you" as a good sign. I see it more as "I met someone else, and they made me realize I never loved you at all". He is free to offer information to you probably because he no longer sees you as a threat. He's demonstrating you've lost that power over his emotions. He's lost that attraction to you, but thinks you're a good person and still wants you in his life. I'm going with everyone else and saying NC is the best option here. This bolded part made me smile. As far as the original post. I honestly don't think it matters what you do. You can go NC, you can go LC, you can chase, it doesnt matter in my opinion but you are well aware that they come back. I have spoken to HB before he disappeared a lot and he said the same thing, it doesnt matter. Your ex chased you, theres a post on this board that you responded to where he was NC for a year. I dont think you can mess it up to be honest. My ex left me for another guy in the middle of my GIGS, I was crushed, but I still went back chasing full steam ahead when the battle between my egos was done and the fog lifted. Do what makes you feel comfortable. For me, while I'm sober and not lonely, I choose NIC =)
Lis007 Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 After everything you have both been through decisions can't be made quickly. He may still be very much in love with you but he is protecting his heart as well. My advice is different - for this one shot communicate, be fun, remember when you first met each other and let a new relationship grow between you. It isn't going to be easy - but you knew that! Sure it hurts being together but not being a couple but you were hurting anyway. Its about having patience and taking that chance.. you will know soon enough if both of you have grown and are in fact still in love with each other. For reconciliation I think there really needs to be communication and for healing or getting over someone NC. So if its a chance you want then I would go for it...
flow15 Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 Smokey can I ask does he know you want him back? Have you told him this? Is this when he told u he doesn't want a relationship? I'm in a similar situation.. My ex has re initiated contact and told me he really wants to meet (although told me to not expect anything from him). I don't kno whether to be fun and laid back and just b friendly with him and not mention my feelings incase it scares him, or to b honest with him and tell him how I feel. I don't think u should go nc.. I think he will only see the opportunity for a second chance if u remain in contact.
rob_h Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 Don't initiate any more contact. It just hurts when you get a wishy washy response. Go NIC, support him but too much contact = too much pressure. It's his decision at the end of the day. If there's something for him to discover, he will discover it on his own, you know this.
chados Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 the best way is to make him miss you. if he doesnt love you i can promise you that being around him will probably make things worse in every possible way. i do feel that youre digging to much into this, thats probably why all this gigstreads are coming up. youre looking for answers that people might be able to give you. but theres no one who can make your ex fall in love with you. i will always stand by the opinion that people want what they cant have, and they will only truly miss something when its not there anymore. so dont be there. the best thing would be to move on and start a new chapter. if its meant to be later in life take it from there. take this from me, because this is exactly what ive been doing. ive been asking people when i already knew the answer, which i believe you do. the pain will never stop when you wont let go. the moment i started to feeling better was the moment i started to let go. i deleted her from facebook, because thats by far the worst thing ever. see all these pictures etc. i deleted all pictures. and i started to go on dates. she texted me a lot to see what ive been up to. and every time i answered i felt bad afterwards. sometimes i guess people realize that they dont miss the relationship as much as they miss the feeling of not being alone. at least that was what i felt.
2sunny Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 Since he's been clear that he sees you as his friend - and that is what's offered... Don't expect him to ever give you more than that. The thing is - as long as you're waiting for him to change his mind - by spending time and energy on him - you won't be looking for a man that is best suited for you. Best to know he's "not the one" and be available to others "who may be the one". You can't do that if all the space in your head is focused on him. You can do it if you cut him out and be open to new men, new experiences and situations. Staying in touch with him will only roadblock you moving forward. Best to start fresh... By not having him and his "friend zone" holding you back. Since he's not the one - start being available to new beginnings. The "right" one won't make you wonder if you are right for him.
Author smokey bear Posted February 6, 2012 Author Posted February 6, 2012 Ok first thing is first, thanks for the advice but i would appreciate it if everyone didnt assume about me, I havent posted on ls for a while if you havent noticed. My life is magic just the way it is and I am magic just the way i am. I appreciate the advice on find someone new etc, heal yourself etc but im not in need of it, im cool. Ok next point I love my ex but im not in love with him, i have a deeper love for him, something i call unconditional love and its something i only learned about after i had another relationship which i would class as infatuation love. So can you describe to me love? Right now im not in love with my ex,i love him deeply like a friend or family, someone who has been part of my life for for so long but i can logically look at him and see he is a good choice in partner and i know that through spending time together i would fall back "in love" but i dont need to be "in love" with him to make the decision to try again. I would also like to point out that when i returned to him after my gigs episode, i wasnt in love with him. I loved him deeply and could logically see how good a future partner he would be.
Million.to.1 Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 I think that if you are truly "cool" and have "unconditional" love for him, then you need to stop with all this "friendzone" and "gigs" stuff and just let whatever will be, be. Regardless of how you analyse it or how you behave because of what "stage" you think he might be at, at some point you just need to let go. If your love was in fact unconditional, then you wouldn't care about being anything more than a friend to him. I understand, truly I do, that this is easier said than done. And the fact that you see him as a great partner is not an easy thing to just ignore. But you have to just ignore that at the moment. That is not what your relationship is anymore. If it is ever going to be again, then it must evolve to that, slowly, and with your history, that will be a slow and deliberate decision for both of you. Smokey, I understand your obsession with gigs and trying to find a formula for how it should all work out, you have done all the analysis you need to do for now. I think it would be helpful for you just to give up some power, give up some expectations, and just let it take you on a ride you are ready for......
Author smokey bear Posted February 6, 2012 Author Posted February 6, 2012 Thats my problem million to one, i let go then he comes along and i jump on the ride and end up getting feelings again. How can u stop yourself from forming feelings?
Author smokey bear Posted February 6, 2012 Author Posted February 6, 2012 I have spoken to HB before he disappeared a lot and he said the same thing, it doesnt matter. I think he's still about Wilson
Million.to.1 Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 Thats my problem million to one, i let go then he comes along and i jump on the ride and end up getting feelings again. How can u stop yourself from forming feelings? You can't. I guess you just have to trust the fact that you have healed. That you have come to a place of acceptance and that you can enter into communication with him with indifference. If you can't, and everything you do is motivated by the expectation of a reunion, then you'll need to keep yourself in check, or risk being hurt. For me, maintaining NC is like still admitting to myself and him that I still harbour hope and that seeing him moving on with his life without me, is too painful because I haven't healed. I'm trying to put on a brave face. I want indifference. And i will fake it till i make it. I know that I am a catch and If my ex doesn't think I'm worth making an effort for then I don't want him anyway. That's what i will keep telling myself. Cause it's true, even if i have weak moments. He can have my friendship... I share that pretty freely. Most good people can have that. He can have my past, and he can have his memories of me... We shared something once but that's over now. I trust that I don't need to worry and try not to care so much.. then hopefully, I won't. And things are as they are.
Author smokey bear Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 You can't. I guess you just have to trust the fact that you have healed. That you have come to a place of acceptance and that you can enter into communication with him with indifference. If you can't, and everything you do is motivated by the expectation of a reunion, then you'll need to keep yourself in check, or risk being hurt. For me, maintaining NC is like still admitting to myself and him that I still harbour hope and that seeing him moving on with his life without me, is too painful because I haven't healed. I'm trying to put on a brave face. I want indifference. And i will fake it till i make it. I know that I am a catch and If my ex doesn't think I'm worth making an effort for then I don't want him anyway. That's what i will keep telling myself. Cause it's true, even if i have weak moments. He can have my friendship... I share that pretty freely. Most good people can have that. He can have my past, and he can have his memories of me... We shared something once but that's over now. I trust that I don't need to worry and try not to care so much.. then hopefully, I won't. And things are as they are. I dont know what it was, but something in your posts worked, im cool again. I can be friends and be ok. Thanks. Im happy just dodging along by myself and if someone pops into my life, be it the ex or someone new ill go into it with a clear head.
Author smokey bear Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 Anyone looking for an update, i went the friends route, he started not caring again and he has bounced head first back into gigs. As for me, all i have is anger, i hate lies. I would rather he was just honest. I dont want any advice etc, im going to keep updating for anyone who can take some learning, advice etc from this. Im at the point where im happy in my skin and happy in myself that i can post the updates and not feel like a fool
Author smokey bear Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 April...... Cant be bothered with it lol xx
Author smokey bear Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 Another update, lots of talking again, stringing me along nicely, met with him a few days ago and low and behold a day later, he's dating a new chick and head over heels in love. Oh the joy's, i wished him well and told him im dating again too. Ive seen a few gigs break ups and recons on her lately, its quite interesting to see. Keep your chin up LS xx
johan Posted February 19, 2012 Posted February 19, 2012 Only you can prevent forest fires. Think about it.
Author smokey bear Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 Only you can prevent forest fires. Think about it. Thank you Johan, but im ok, life is back to normal and im happy with who i am and have been for a while now. I like to update because not many people do actually finish off telling their tale and stories are left in limbo. Its my thank you to LS
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