RecordProducer Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 Somebody wrote you an email on a dating site and you don't care about them. What do you do? If you respond, what do you say? If they write you again, what then? If I don't like them, I think ignoring their (brief) emails is less painful than telling them we're not a match - sometimes because it's obvious why we're not a match. Sometimes their emails are too short and impersonal to merit an answer anyway (if I don't like the guy): e.g. "Hi, I enjoyed reading your profile, please check out mine and let me know if you want to chat." When I see no enthusiasm, I show no enthusiasm in response- not out of revenge, but because it seems like they're sending the same email to every woman and if they get a reply, they'll open her profile. Sometimes they write a long email about what they like and expect from a mate (which is supposed to be in their essays, not emails to members) - in that case I don't respond even if I kinda like the guy (I usually don't) because it shows a person who didn't care about anything they saw on my profile, they didn't relate to my personality or lifestyle, and most importantly, it shows a person who only cares about what HE wants and who HE is. Romance is supposed to be about us and the "perfect" email will be a combination of sweet compliments and establishing a bridge between him and me. Self-centered messages are probably the biggest dealbreaker when it comes to the content of the email. Another dealbreaker is an illiterate message. I rejected a cute doctor because his emails read like text messages of a teenage girl - showing lack of seriousness. I feel really bad ignoring nice people who write nice emails, asking personal questions related to my profile, but again, for some reason I think not responding is less painful than telling them we're not a match, because just cuz someone is not my type physically or seems too proper and boring to me, doesn't mean they should be told that someone didn't consider them a match - i.e. someone didn't find them attractive enough. I see guys that I know other women would find attractive, but not me. Someone might seem too adventurous and independent for me, and someone might seem not enough free-spirited and challenging for me. How do I tell them this without them taking it the wrong way? Sometimes I find a way to explain; here's one example: "Thanks, "m"! You're very funny and handsome, but I don't think we'd be a great match. I'm a bit more traditional and straighforward thinking than you are. I wish you good luck!" That was an honest reply. And here's an example of a not so nice way of telling them why I don't like them: "Thanks for your interest, but... you put on a dating profile a picture with your middle finger up??? Eww! Sorry, it's a deal-breaker. :)"
ThaWholigan Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 Sometimes I have done so (although regretted it later). It usually depends on whether it's a good message and I can actually have a conversation with them and the profile is also intriguing. However, most of the time, not only are they not what I would normally go for (even though I would message back as conditioned above), the message usually looks like this: "hey bbs, howz u" That kind of message is not going to get a reply from me unfortunately for them. Nothing wrong with ignoring the message.
joeyanna Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 When I did the whole OLD thing, if someone had taken the time to read my profile and include information from it in an email I tended to respond and thank them for their interest and politely tell them why I felt we wouldn't be compatible (usually because they weren't within my preferred age range or some such thing). If the email seemed like a generic one sent to every woman on the site I wouldn't respond.
turt Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 I try to respond to most people but I do ignore a few. If I don't like her profile and she writes "Hi" or "ur eyes r pretty"... I usually don't respond. It's always nice to make new friends on there. At least it won't be a total waste of time! I've also found that most people are incapable of holding a conversation on there...
Author RecordProducer Posted February 6, 2012 Author Posted February 6, 2012 (edited) Sometimes I have done so (although regretted it later). Regret responding or regret NOT responding? When I did the whole OLD thing, if someone had taken the time to read my profile and include information from it in an email I tended to respond and thank them for their interest and politely tell them why I felt we wouldn't be compatible (usually because they weren't within my preferred age range or some such thing).So, what if you get a few messages every day by people you consider waaaaay below your league? Responding to every one of them would take reading their profiles and finding someone you don't like - but that's not offensive, thinking about how to put it gently, and then typing it. That's 30-60 min a day for an active OLD user. I could use that time to learn a new language! Seriously, OLD is a waste of time as is. I've also found that most people are incapable of holding a conversation on there...Yeah, they go on and on about how was your day, how did you spend your holidays, you must be very busy with work, school and kids, and then we go back to how was your weekend. Next question please! Oh, I hate when they tell me "Wow, law school and kids, you must be very busy" - it makes me feel like (1) they already think I don't have time to date without actually asking me if that's true, because they assume that I cook, clean, and wipe my kids' asses in between two pieces of homework (even though I stated my sons are teenagers and live with me part-time); and (2) they've never juggled two important things in life, so they're either boring and non-ambitious or can't deal with several challenges at once. I mean, I don't know what exactly I hate about it. I guess characterizing my achievements as mere "busyness" is kinda condescending. To take it to the extreme for the purpose of explaining my feelings on it, it's like telling Obama, "Wow, you probably have to wake up for work very early and work overtime, huh?" I mean, his job is way more than time-consuming and by far transcends the inconvenience of working overtime. I can't articulate my feelings about it because I don't quite understand them myself. On the other hand, I totally don't mind hearing the same boring question "What type of law do you want to do?" because it's asked out of kindly interest and shows curiosity about my professional life. Edited February 6, 2012 by RecordProducer
Author RecordProducer Posted February 6, 2012 Author Posted February 6, 2012 If the email seemed like a generic one sent to every woman on the site I wouldn't respond. Oh, I have an idea for the circular letters: we should send them all a circular reply saying: "Hi, my name is FunGrl4U. Thank you very much for your expressed interest. I enjoyed reading your profile just as much as I enjoyed reading your profile. I agree with you that I sound like a nice, kind, smart, and genuine person (if you have stated that in your email to me) and that my photos are very pretty (even if you have not stated that in your email). If you are receiving this message, it means you are ineligible for a date with me for one or more of the following reasons: - incompatible interests - differences in education - big age difference - excessive weight - undesirable height - lack of hair (on the head) - lack of real job - you have photos in which you look like an idiot; e.g. with your tongue out or making stupid faces - you look like a child molestor - all of the above I wish you good luck in all your endeavors, happy holidays, happy birthdays and condolences for all your past and future losses (including this one). Sincerely yours, [sorry, I don't give out my name to strangers]
Arikel Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 Oh, I have an idea for the circular letters: we should send them all a circular reply saying: "Hi, my name is FunGrl4U. Thank you very much for your expressed interest. I enjoyed reading your profile just as much as I enjoyed reading your profile. I agree with you that I sound like a nice, kind, smart, and genuine person (if you have stated that in your email to me) and that my photos are very pretty (even if you have not stated that in your email). If you are receiving this message, it means you are ineligible for a date with me for one or more of the following reasons: - incompatible interests - differences in education - big age difference - excessive weight - undesirable height - lack of hair (on the head) - lack of real job - you have photos in which you look like an idiot; e.g. with your tongue out or making stupid faces - you look like a child molestor - all of the above I wish you good luck in all your endeavors, happy holidays, happy birthdays and condolences for all your past and future losses (including this one). Sincerely yours, [sorry, I don't give out my name to strangers] I love this!
turt Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 Yeah, they go on and on about how was your day, how did you spend your holidays, you must be very busy with work, school and kids, and then we go back to how was your weekend. Next question please! I'm lucky if I get that far! I usually ask about their interests and include something about myself to start a conversation. The result is usually just an answer with nothing else! I can keep going and they keep replying.
Anela Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 When I did the whole OLD thing, if someone had taken the time to read my profile and include information from it in an email I tended to respond and thank them for their interest and politely tell them why I felt we wouldn't be compatible (usually because they weren't within my preferred age range or some such thing). If the email seemed like a generic one sent to every woman on the site I wouldn't respond. I had more than one man, contact me more than once with the same line, within a week or so of having contacted me before. I guessed they were contacting so many women, that they had forgotten.
FitChick Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 If I'm not interested I reply with "Thank you for your interest but unfortunately we are not a good match. Good luck on your search!" Too many bitter men think women are bitches so at least I can demonstrate that some of us aren't, even if we aren't interested. I often get return emails thanking me for having good manners. The only ones I don't respond to are the "Wanna chat?" and similar. Again, there are no absolutes in dating. Some people would rather be ignored and some would rather get a reply even if it's a negative one.
D-Lish Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 I don't waste a second of my time responding to men I am not interested in. I just delete and move on. Do men really want to hear "thanks but no thanks?" I know I wouldn't.
Author RecordProducer Posted February 6, 2012 Author Posted February 6, 2012 (edited) I had more than one man, contact me more than once with the same line, within a week or so of having contacted me before. I guessed they were contacting so many women, that they had forgotten.I get those, too. Sometimes they change the one liner. Oh,once I had a guy who told me "I don't know if youwant to date a guy with kids...." I took the time to respond and tell him that had he glanced at my basic info, he would've known I have kids, too. Needless to say, his excuses about getting confused or forgetting I have kids didn't make up for the mistake. I should've responded "No, sorry, I don't date men with kids." One of the funniest things I've seen in a dating message was a drawing of a pussycat at the end of the email - fornoapprent reason. I thought it was soooo gay. This particular guy went back and forth with long emails with me without asking me for my number or anything. Finally, I told him he must be involved with soemone since he's procrastinating so much, we went back and forth arguing about me making unwarranted assumptions and I told him the "pussycat" was weird. It looked something like this: ....^^ =<*:*>= ....v v But it was better than mine! Edited February 6, 2012 by RecordProducer
phineas Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 I don't waste a second of my time responding to men I am not interested in. I just delete and move on. Do men really want to hear "thanks but no thanks?" I know I wouldn't. It's online dating so no I don't even care if their interested or not. There are like 50 more to email. But, if someone sends me a message I will respond because i'm sensitive to the fact that a woman's ego is so fragile & it took a lot of effort & courage for them to initiate online.
phineas Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 If I'm not interested I reply with "Thank you for your interest but unfortunately we are not a good match. Good luck on your search!" Too many bitter men think women are bitches so at least I can demonstrate that some of us aren't, even if we aren't interested. I often get return emails thanking me for having good manners. The only ones I don't respond to are the "Wanna chat?" and similar. Again, there are no absolutes in dating. Some people would rather be ignored and some would rather get a reply even if it's a negative one. Yeah, I don't get that. If a woman doesn't respond to my message, that's her loss.
USMCHokie Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 I don't waste a second of my time responding to men I am not interested in. I just delete and move on. Do men really want to hear "thanks but no thanks?" I know I wouldn't. Same here...and I don't need any sympathy reply...
Shaun-Dro Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 If I'm not interested I reply with "Thank you for your interest but unfortunately we are not a good match. Good luck on your search!" Too many bitter men think women are bitches so at least I can demonstrate that some of us aren't, even if we aren't interested. I often get return emails thanking me for having good manners. The only ones I don't respond to are the "Wanna chat?" and similar. Again, there are no absolutes in dating. Some people would rather be ignored and some would rather get a reply even if it's a negative one. For every 100 women who ignore a man online, 25 out of those 100 would be more receptive if given the chance to actually meet the guy in person, prior to any online contact. I strongly feel online dating is a smokescreen to what's really out there.
Sith Apprentice Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 For every 100 women who ignore a man online, 25 out of those 100 would be more receptive if given the chance to actually meet the guy in person, prior to any online contact. I strongly feel online dating is a smokescreen to what's really out there. I've actually seen this happen in real life. A buddy of mine went to one of those POF meetups at a local bar. This guy got rejected by women left and right on POF, but had women all over him the meetup. He told me he recognized 3 separate women who ignored his messages on POF, but they chased him around the bar at the meetup:lmao:. He rejected all 3 of them. I think a lot of people simply aren't photogenic. I've met women offline who only looked so-so in their pics, but were very good looking in real life. One time I was completely blown away by how attractive a woman was as compared to the photo she sent me.
i'mfaraway Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 I just replied to an email from someone I'm not attracted to (according to his photos anyway). I pondered over whether to reply for a while. Decided that he seemed nice enough on his profile and what do I have to lose? I'm not holding my breath since I no longer put too much hope on OLD and haven't logged on in a while. But I decided to "date" outside my usual.
Art_Critic Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 Oh, I have an idea for the circular letters: we should send them all a circular reply saying: "Hi, my name is FunGrl4U. Thank you very much for your expressed interest. I enjoyed reading your profile just as much as I enjoyed reading your profile. I agree with you that I sound like a nice, kind, smart, and genuine person (if you have stated that in your email to me) and that my photos are very pretty (even if you have not stated that in your email). If you are receiving this message, it means you are ineligible for a date with me for one or more of the following reasons: - incompatible interests - differences in education - big age difference - excessive weight - undesirable height - lack of hair (on the head) - lack of real job - you have photos in which you look like an idiot; e.g. with your tongue out or making stupid faces - you look like a child molestor - all of the above I wish you good luck in all your endeavors, happy holidays, happy birthdays and condolences for all your past and future losses (including this one). Sincerely yours, [sorry, I don't give out my name to strangers] hahahahahaha....hahaha
neowulf Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 Reading through this thread I've come to two very interesting conclusions; 1) People appear to have an unrealistic expectation of just how much they can tell from a person in a single email. Not everyone is a master word smith. That doesn't mean they don't have other qualities to bring to the table. As for "wow they questions they ask are so trivial", after having just read about 30 profiles.. I can tell you that 90% of them read much the same. Going by the profile alone, you'd think people would have no trouble finding a partner, given how generic they all appear to be. Of course, I treat the profile with a grain of salt, because I realise that people are far more than a few lines of text on a screen. 2) If someone walks up to you and introduces themselves, the correct response is to ignore them... Yeah I get we're strangers, but are you seriously telling me you can't be bothered sending a simple email response to a person? "Thank you for the email, but I don't believe we'd make a good match. I wish you well in your search." You're telling me that's too much effort? Are people all so self absorbed and devoid of empathy of each other that they can't be *bothered* being remotely polite? Sure, if someone is rude or obscene, I get that a person wouldn't bother responding. If I wondered up to a girl and yelled "Show us your tits", I imagine I'd get ignored too. Eh, sorry. Idealistic streak playing up again. I forget that the world is a toilet sometimes.
CarrieInNYC Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 I tend to assume anyone who writes me is also writing 20 other women at the same time and isn't even going to remember who he has written to enough to be bothered that one particular person didn't write back. I say this from my own experience contacting guys. I don't send out generic "hi" emails, but I don't spend more than 2-3 minutes reading a profile, finding one or two specific things I like about it that I can bring up in the message to show I've taken the time to read it and then send an email that's no more than 5-6 sentences long mentioning what it was I liked about them and why I think we might have things in common. Spending more time than that on an initial contact seems to me a huge waste. If I send out 10 emails, I might get 2 responses from guys who want to talk/meet. I literally will not even remember who else I've contacted, and frankly I'd rather just have to 2 emails from guys who want to talk than those 2 but 8 more emails from guys who I've already forgotten about explaining to me why they don't think we're compatible. I assume guys are the same way and assume they don't want to know/don't care why I didn't write back and possibly don't even remember writing to me in the first place. I did once write back to a guy whose initial email I ignored but who bothered to follow up a few days later saying that he'd filled out his profile more completely/added some new pictures. I figured that showed enough sustained interest that he deserved a personal response even though I didn't want to go out with him. That said, I live in NYC where there are approximately a bazillion people on online dating sites and shopping for dates is like browsing the world's biggest Wal-Mart. If I lived in rural Montana where there was a limited number of men in my age group and area, I might behave differently under the assumption that men who were contacting me probably weren't just carpetbombing 100 women and largely indifferent as to who responded and who didn't.
kaylan Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 (edited) I dont respond if I dont find them remotely attractive. Im not good at rejecting people. I feel bad =/ You should hear me stumble when Ive had to turn down invitations for job interviews. Edited February 6, 2012 by kaylan
FitChick Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 I dont respond if I dont find them remotely attractive. Im not good at rejecting people. I feel bad =/ Same here, which is why I prefer online dating. I hate rejecting someone in person because, well, it's more personal and hurtful.
Imajerk17 Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 (edited) Somebody wrote you an email on a dating site and you don't care about them. What do you do? If you respond, what do you say? If they write you again, what then? If I don't like them, I think ignoring their (brief) emails is less painful than telling them we're not a match - sometimes because it's obvious why we're not a match. Sometimes their emails are too short and impersonal to merit an answer anyway (if I don't like the guy): e.g. "Hi, I enjoyed reading your profile, please check out mine and let me know if you want to chat." When I see no enthusiasm, I show no enthusiasm in response- not out of revenge, but because it seems like they're sending the same email to every woman and if they get a reply, they'll open her profile. Sometimes they write a long email about what they like and expect from a mate (which is supposed to be in their essays, not emails to members) - in that case I don't respond even if I kinda like the guy (I usually don't) because it shows a person who didn't care about anything they saw on my profile, they didn't relate to my personality or lifestyle, and most importantly, it shows a person who only cares about what HE wants and who HE is. Romance is supposed to be about us and the "perfect" email will be a combination of sweet compliments and establishing a bridge between him and me. Self-centered messages are probably the biggest dealbreaker when it comes to the content of the email. Another dealbreaker is an illiterate message. I rejected a cute doctor because his emails read like text messages of a teenage girl - showing lack of seriousness. I feel really bad ignoring nice people who write nice emails, asking personal questions related to my profile, but again, for some reason I think not responding is less painful than telling them we're not a match, because just cuz someone is not my type physically or seems too proper and boring to me, doesn't mean they should be told that someone didn't consider them a match - i.e. someone didn't find them attractive enough. I see guys that I know other women would find attractive, but not me. Someone might seem too adventurous and independent for me, and someone might seem not enough free-spirited and challenging for me. How do I tell them this without them taking it the wrong way? Sometimes I find a way to explain; here's one example: "Thanks, "m"! You're very funny and handsome, but I don't think we'd be a great match. I'm a bit more traditional and straighforward thinking than you are. I wish you good luck!" That was an honest reply. And here's an example of a not so nice way of telling them why I don't like them: "Thanks for your interest, but... you put on a dating profile a picture with your middle finger up??? Eww! Sorry, it's a deal-breaker. :)" I used to make it a policy to answer every "first" email even if I wasn't interested (I'm a guy by the way). I've since gotten away from that though. It's not that I've gotten creepy emails or anything. Most of the "first" emails I've gotten were very nice, and I feel bad not responding. Very often though, I'm just not physically attracted to the woman who wrote me. But I'm not going to write her back telling her that. Maybe it's shallow on my part that I put so much emphasis on looks, but truth be told, it's what I am attracted to, and I'd rather be single than with someone who doesn't really do it for me. Most of the remainder of the time, it is because the woman is separated or already has kids, two deal-breakers. I put that in my profile already that those are deal-breakers, so I'm not going to write them back either. Match does have the "Not interested" button in response to an email, I will sometimes use that. I have had women write me back in response to my "first emails" that they are "seeing someone" already. It probably was a white lie on their part, and I appreciate their sentiment in getting back to me, but honestly, I would have rather they just not bother in responding. I see they responded and I was looking forward to reading their email, and then there's this letdown. A non-response would have been better. Edited February 6, 2012 by Imajerk17
Imajerk17 Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 FWIW, I don't put that much stock into trying to analyze their personality from their text or emails. I mean, there are some things you can tell from the text and the pictures, but here's the thing: Most of the profiles are horribly written--most everyone says mostly the same things, so what could you find out really. But that's fine because I'm not looking for a professional profile writer. I'm attracted to a certain body type and I am decent in being able to tell from the pictures whether the girl's looks might be what I am looking for, even if the pictures themselves aren't great.
Recommended Posts