moontiger Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I hope you figure it out. As for me, I hope he never comes back... though something tells me he will. He might. But by the time he fixes his issues in 2027, I suspect you will have found a normal, happy, stable guy who values you, and wholeheartedly wants to be with you.
Author ScienceGal Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) That's for the best. If I could do one thing in my life over again, once I turned 27 or 28, I would have cut things like this off immediately, before they wasted years of my life. In fact I would not have entered them in the first place. I would have looked for stable, happy men who really genuinely wanted a commitment and wanted kids, and weren't afraid of those things. As to his having baggage, everybody has some baggage. If you really want a lasting relationship, though, you get over it. I know, because I've had to do that. You did good. I missed this post until just now. As usual, I appreciate your words and completely agree with you. I'm scared too, but I will not let my past/baggage affect me from being with someone new who is good. It just doesn't make sense to me how someone can be 1+ year post-breakup (from an 8 month relationship) but still let the damage rule and ruin them. To realize there is a new and wonderful person in front of them and still be too crippled with confusion and fear to embrace them completely. Maybe there is something truly broken in him. Maybe I'm not the right woman. I'll never understand. But that's ok, I don't have to understand in order to move on. (Realizing this is the greatest accomplishment I've made since coming to LS). Thank you. Edited February 13, 2012 by ScienceGal
chelsea2011 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 *But that's ok, I don't have to understand in order to move on.* This makes A LOT of sense...thanks for posting it. The only time I needed to understand what happened after a relationship ended is when I vowed NOT to let myself get involved with that type of person again. I needed to "see" the reality of what I was involved in to "get it out of my system" for good! If he hasn't turned his focus inward to figure out how he ended up in a damaged relationship, chances are he will continue carrying that baggage into future relationships. The fact he did that with you is proof enough that he hasn't truly dealt with the underlying issues that led him there in the first place. it's good that you are setting a personal boundary of what you want and what you will and will not accept. If he wants to sit and cry victim, that's on him not you. I mean geez...we all have tough times at one point or another in life, but we also have choices. We can use these times to learn about ourselves and make the necesary changes so we don't end up there again or we can cry victim and blame the world. I prefer the former personally. Sure, I had a bad relationship and have chosen to learn "why" I ended up there and now I look forward to having a healthy balanced relationship that is based on love and mutual respect. I've also recently learned that when my "gut" is telling me one thing and I'm being told another, my gut is right! It's when I ignore it that I get into trouble. :\ I've also found that ignoring your gut creates feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. Best wishes on your journey to find what's best for you.
Author ScienceGal Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 I've also found that ignoring your gut creates feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. Spot on! Nice realization! I realized a while ago that the majority of my anxiety wasn't due to worrying about a great relationship ending, but the result of me constantly ignorning my gut and staying in a bad relationship. I knew it was bad but stuck around hoping for the impossible. I knew I was lying to myself and being weak, but I still held out hope and struggled the entire way. As a coping mechanism, I'd sway between feeling insecure and not caring at all about the relationship. I couldn't settle in on the middle ground and just be happy when my subconscious was screaming out the facts that it wasn't the right fit for me.
chelsea2011 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Spot on! Nice realization! I realized a while ago that the majority of my anxiety wasn't due to worrying about a great relationship ending, but the result of me constantly ignorning my gut and staying in a bad relationship. I knew it was bad but stuck around hoping for the impossible. I knew I was lying to myself and being weak, but I still held out hope and struggled the entire way. As a coping mechanism, I'd sway between feeling insecure and not caring at all about the relationship. I couldn't settle in on the middle ground and just be happy when my subconscious was screaming out the facts that it wasn't the right fit for me. Exactly! I can completely identify! That is precisely what was going on with me during the relationship. Especially the part about swaying between insecurity and not caring at all. My heart would say one thing, but my head wouldn't let me get close because his actions told me a whole different story. I don't know about the right fit part because honestly, he never opened up to me in any real way. All I had to go by were his actions. I can't say I truly truly knew him. Oy. Did I just admit that?!
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