When to give up

[ScienceGal]

I don't want to give up. I want to keep trying, but I'd like some advice.

 

The relationship is weighing on me and has given me some anxiety. I need it to get better soon or I will have to break it off. We dated for 3 months, he left and came back 5 weeks later. He felt he didn't give it enough of a chance. It's been a month since we got back together and things are not meshing like they should. I am only here and hanging on because he is a great guy.

 

Why I want to be with him:

- physically attractive to me

- intelligent

- kind and extremely caring

- compassionate

- responsible

- trustworthy

- we discuss, not argue

- respectable

 

Physically/sexually, things are great. Emotionally, I'm not even sure where to begin. He told me that I am the first woman that has treated him with such kindness. He appreciates that and values it, but is now probing deeper into whether we actually make each other happy, and wondering if we are we supposed to be together. I have never ever had to wonder if the man I am dating wants to be with me. Sure, it's too early to know the long term result, or to be in love. But, I have never felt less than adored... until now.

 

He is busy getting a new business off the ground and I told him I was looking forward to spending more time together once that happens. He is overworked and exhausted, so that only makes this more difficult. I'd like an entire day to spend with him, but that isn't realistic right now. So, I'm trying to balance things and be patient.

 

From my perspective he is overanalyzing everything! We're definitely at a "should I stay or should I go" point. We've talked about this, in detail. Things he said to me yesterday:

 

him: you often cut me off when I am speaking

me: you often ask me a question and then keep talking, so I jump in and answer the question before I forget what it was. (also thinking: "you cut me off too, I just don't care that much. And, you're always talking... I can barely get a word in sometimes").

 

him: when I asked you what job you would do if you could to anything, you answered but didn't ask me what I would want to be.

me: I figured that since I was entertaining such discussion that you would just tell me. I've never gotten the impression that you need to be prompted to talk..

 

him: I don't seem to make you very happy

me: you do, but I have anxiety over the instability that exists in this relationship. I don't feel completely wanted and it makes it difficult to relax sometimes.

him: I try to express that I care. Perhaps there is still some part of me that isn't ready to open up fully.

me: facepalm (we were on the phone)

 

We're both messed up a bit emotionally, that's a fact. But we're both conscious and aware and discuss anything. We're both trying our asses off. We both have things that we truly value in one another. But... how to determine if the compatibility is enough? And it goes both ways, he has pointed out things that he's done that seem to not go over well with me.

I don't believe anyone will be a 100% match, but it should be as close as possible. What do I do to figure this out?

Edited February 5, 2012 by ScienceGal

[ditzchic]

I think you both are over analyzing this. You are together for a month (yeah i know you were together for 3 before but, to me, when you get back together you should get back with a completely fresh start). Shouldn't you still both be having fun and enjoying each other's company and getting to know each other that way instead of having all these talks and negotiations?

 

I mean really, even if you were together for 4 months it seems a bit much to me...

 

You are rushing things when you should just be having a good time together. I think his nagging doubts mean that he knows you aren't right for each other. That's why he can't allow himself to just "be" with you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

See the problem is already that he left. Men don't just leave for no reason, and yes there is probably a lot of emotional baggage on both sides here but he probably realized in that moment you weren't the one for him to take it to that level with (for whatever reason from his end, probably just an emotion) or he wasn't ready regardless to invest that much in a relationship.

 

I think what's going to happen is you're going to feel unfulfilled and try to be understanding of his real life challenges but ultimately it's going to lead to distance and problems within the relationship. He's got a lot going on, needs time to focus and spend most of his energy on his business and making sure it gets off the ground...which can take a very long time.

 

I think you either need to be able to give him the distance and support he needs and just keep things at a minimal requirement for yourself or whatever is survivable or just all together call it quits. If you're not ready to bend backwards for this guy I doubt he's going to have the ability to return these affections to you and eventually just feel it's fruitless and pull away anyway while you try and pull him back in.

 

The short answer is: You give up when it's no longer 50/50 or mutual effort. I think there's a lot of things you like about this guy but I'm not sure you know him well enough to make a long-term decision, and you're having too many issues for just dating...I'd get out If I were you.

[Professor X]

I think you both are over analyzing this.

 

Lol, this was like the first thing that came to my mind when I saw all the "He", "Me" stuff.

 

Way to much for such a young RS, way-WAY to much.

 

With all due respect, this is ridiculous, and at any rate, ditzchic is right.

[chelsea2011]

I don't have any answers as I'm in the same spot as you and honestly, it's tiring. After I read the responses from the other posters, I am inclined to agree. There comes a point where you both need to put your issues aside and do what needs to be done to get to know one another. I agree with professorx; it's ridiculous (my situation anyway).

 

Good luck to you and I hope you figure it all out one way or another. All I know is, I'm tired of talking in my situation. A different approach has to happen to move things forward otherwise it is just more of the same. And more of the same is not fun in my eyes.

 

Take care and do what's right for you. You can't change him and nor should you try. Either take a lighter approach that allows you both to open up and feel safe or simply move on.

[RecordProducer]

I don't think YOU are overanalyzing, I think you just don't know how to deal with his clingy and idiotic comments.

him: you often cut me off when I am speaking

me: you often ask me a question and then keep talking, so I jump in and answer the question before I forget what it was. (also thinking: "you cut me off too, I just don't care that much. And, you're always talking... I can barely get a word in sometimes").

Your answer sounds legit to me while his is kinda inappropriate. He feels like he is the center of the universe and you should listen to his never-ending yapping without ever interrupting him with your unimportant thoughts. It sounds like he's got some mental issues.

him: when I asked you what job you would do if you could to anything, you answered but didn't ask me what I would want to be.

me: I figured that since I was entertaining such discussion that you would just tell me. I've never gotten the impression that you need to be prompted to talk..

Great answer to a completely stupid comment. After all, maybe you don't care what he would be if he could do anything. C'mon, it's no better than "what breed of dog would you be if you were a dog?" I know you may think the underlying question isn't the point, what matters is that you didn't show interest in his desires, but I don't get that impression. He has some self-centered, childish neurosis (I am using that term loosely) that you have to accept his game and it's your turn to play. I am sure had he asked you if you're hungry, you would've said, "Not really, are YOU hungry?"

 

He's not acting like an adult.

him: I don't seem to make you very happy

He seems unable to stop this whirlpool of negative thoughts and he discharges them on you, because it helps him feel better for a moment. Are you sure he doesn't have some mental illness?

 

We're both trying our asses off.

At this point in a relationship it should be a honeymoon - not "You didn't ask me back what kind of vegetable I would be if I could be any vegetable."

[FitChick]

Am I imagining things or did ScienceGal post an identical thread about this guy just a couple of weeks ago? Maybe she is hoping for different answers this time.

 

ScienceGal, find a good psychic in your area.

[ScienceGal]

Thank you all for the responses.

 

And yes, fitchick, I did post about this guy before. I'm struggling to figure out if there is something I can do to get things on track. I'm not sure if I am missing something here, but I've never been in a relationship like this. It's confusing and frustrating that we can't seem to get it together even though we both really want to. There are no sure fire answers, but I appreciate all of your opinions. It helps a great deal.

 

I'm going to back off and try to refocus on myself. I'll do my best to emotionally support him during this busy and stressful time. But I know in my heart that I can't hold back for long, since I do want a committed and stable relationship.

Edited February 6, 2012 by ScienceGal

[ScienceGal]

See the problem is already that he left. Men don't just leave for no reason, and yes there is probably a lot of emotional baggage on both sides here but he probably realized in that moment you weren't the one for him to take it to that level with (for whatever reason from his end, probably just an emotion) or he wasn't ready regardless to invest that much in a relationship.

 

He left because he thought that I had "specific behaviors" that prevented him from being able to be with me. Note: I didn't do anything wrong. There was no lying, cheating, or deception. He said that it had nothing to do with his feelings for me. He was terribly hurt by his last relationship, and through therapy, he has set some strict boundaries for himself. When he came back he even mentioned that he had to prove to himself that he could leave if those boundaries were being crossed. In my eyes, he was still a little insecure and just wasn't ready for a relationship. But, he realized he didn't give either of us enough of a chance and he couldn't stop thinking about that so he came back. I thought things would be so much better this time.

 

I think what's going to happen is you're going to feel unfulfilled and try to be understanding of his real life challenges but ultimately it's going to lead to distance and problems within the relationship. He's got a lot going on, needs time to focus and spend most of his energy on his business and making sure it gets off the ground...which can take a very long time.

 

I think you either need to be able to give him the distance and support he needs and just keep things at a minimal requirement for yourself or whatever is survivable or just all together call it quits. If you're not ready to bend backwards for this guy I doubt he's going to have the ability to return these affections to you and eventually just feel it's fruitless and pull away anyway while you try and pull him back in.

 

I think you've pretty much nailed it here. At this point, I would say it's more nervousness/anxiety than feeling unfulfilled. In a healthy relationship, I would be 100% supportive and understanding of his life challenges. If I felt as though he really appreciated and valued me, I wouldn't have a worry in the world.

 

This week I made the conscious decision to back off and just be there for him. I sent him a couple messages just saying that I hope he is having a good day. When he would write about how tired he is, I would just respond that his hard work is going to pay off and how I think he is doing a great thing. We only spoke once on the phone, for maybe 10 minutes. I listened to him talk more about his stresses and I responded in only supportive ways.

 

The short answer is: You give up when it's no longer 50/50 or mutual effort. I think there's a lot of things you like about this guy but I'm not sure you know him well enough to make a long-term decision, and you're having too many issues for just dating...I'd get out If I were you.

 

Part of me feels like he is going to end things again tonight. I think he's been mulling it over since our talk on Saturday.

 

I don't believe there is any level of being busy that doesn't allow time for a quick "good morning, I hope you have a great day" message. Or, "I'm looking forward to seeing you".. or "I wish you were here". He used to send these messages all the time. We've had barely any communication all week. Also, our one phone conversation was Tuesday where I left if up to him to decide if he had time/energy to spend our normal Wednesday night together. He sent me a message at 4:30 p.m. yesterday saying that he couldn't remember if we made a decision and that he is tired and thinks we should just wait for Thursday(today) to hang out. I responded that was fine and said he could call later if he wanted to chat. He didn't call or send a message.

 

I know he is overwhelmed and does not handle being this busy or stress well. I don't want to confuse that for lack of interest, but I also need to be realistic. We've overanalyzed things and I'm not sure we can come back from that, that he can come back from that. I just don't feel like he wants me. In any relationship, no matter what stage, it is crucial to feel wanted and a sense of belonging.

 

I'm going to try to get through the day with this knot in my stomach. I'm just going to try to relax and see what he is like when I see him tonight.

Edited February 9, 2012 by ScienceGal

[maybealone]

At this point in a relationship it should be a honeymoon - not "You didn't ask me back what kind of vegetable I would be if I could be any vegetable."

 

That was my first thought. The relationship shouldn't be this difficult after four or five months, you should be in the honeymoon phase.

 

I also have issues (and they are my own issues, not saying my opinion is right!) with the "making each other happy" thing a lot of people focus on. You should be happy, he should be happy, and then you should share those happy lives together. Being focused on making each other happy puts a lot of pressure on a relationship, in my opinion. Maybe this is just the wrong time for him to be trying to have a relationship, since he isn't very happy right now.

 

Also, I get the impression (which could be the wrong impression) that there is a lot of pressure to figure out whether or not this is a long-term relationship like right now. After four or five months, you should still be just having fun and getting to know each other, not trying to pigeonhole anything.

 

Long story short, maybe this is just a case of you two being a great couple on paper, but not so great in real life.

 

Good luck tonight, whatever happens.

[Emilia]

He sounds insecure and really hard work.

[moontiger]

He's scared of intimacy, and that is making him ambivalent and commitmentphobic. He is finding flaws and overthinking everything, and finding excuse after excuse to break things off.

 

I've been like that. Scared. It doesn't go away easily. People who are scared stay, yo-yoing between close and distant, but not committing, constantly ambivalent and looking for signs that we should hit "eject" and bail out of the relationship. We make you miserable and keep you on eggshells until we flee, we learn to trust that you are not like the 2352352 people who broke our heart before, or you get sick of us, wise up, and kick us to the curb.

 

Good luck, SG. Whatever happens, you're gonna be OK.

[spookie]

He's scared of intimacy, and that is making him ambivalent and commitmentphobic. He is finding flaws and overthinking everything, and finding excuse after excuse to break things off.

 

I've been like that. Scared. It doesn't go away easily. People who are scared stay, yo-yoing between close and distant, but not committing, constantly ambivalent and looking for signs that we should hit "eject" and bail out of the relationship. We make you miserable and keep you on eggshells until we flee, we learn to trust that you are not like the 2352352 people who broke our heart before, or you get sick of us, wise up, and kick us to the curb.

 

Good luck, SG. Whatever happens, you're gonna be OK.

 

Yup. Sounds like me to a t. I would dump him if I were you, he is probably looking for you to end it.

[Million.to.1]

 

him: I don't seem to make you very happy

me: you do, but I have anxiety over the instability that exists in this relationship. I don't feel completely wanted and it makes it difficult to relax sometimes.

him: I try to express that I care. Perhaps there is still some part of me that isn't ready to open up fully.

me: facepalm (we were on the phone)

 

 

I know this one well.

 

It didn't end well either.

 

 

I think when a relationship feels like this for whatever reason this early on men take it as a bad sign... with due reason. Should it really be this hard?

[ScienceGal]

I know this one well.

 

It didn't end well either.

 

 

I think when a relationship feels like this for whatever reason this early on men take it as a bad sign... with due reason. Should it really be this hard?

 

We decided to break up last night. Although, then we opened a second bottle of wine and started second guessing, and he stayed over. For me, it just seems on top of being busy and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, his feelings are not strong enough. If they were, we wouldn't be having so many deep conversations, we would just be having fun. The little things he's nitpicking about wouldn't exist because he would be so totally taken by me that he would be most focused on the good things. Our physical chemistry is amazing, but it can't stabilize a shaky emotional foundation.

 

It's sad because we're both good people. We're both upset that we can't seem to get it together.

[Mrlonelyone]

We know your both good people. How. You had the decency to break up like adults. After the ammount of time you have been together it's not going to be easy to just break contact or whatever.

 

Not being in a relationship does not make you a bad person. All it means is that you havent found a really compatible partner. Just take it easy and you'll find one.

[moontiger]

We decided to break up last night. Although, then we opened a second bottle of wine and started second guessing, and he stayed over. For me, it just seems on top of being busy and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, his feelings are not strong enough. If they were, we wouldn't be having so many deep conversations, we would just be having fun. The little things he's nitpicking about wouldn't exist because he would be so totally taken by me that he would be most focused on the good things. Our physical chemistry is amazing, but it can't stabilize a shaky emotional foundation.

 

It's sad because we're both good people. We're both upset that we can't seem to get it together.

 

I'm very sorry it's over, SG. I hope you're OK, especially having had to deal with so many breakups in a short space of time. I was in a similar situation for a while where I just kept getting into things and they kept ending. My heart really goes out to you.

 

This guy had some issues, SG; he was scared and commitment-phobic. Better it's over now than three years down the road when he would have been refusing to get engaged, or worse, engaged but ambivalent.

 

It also sounded like you were not a personality match. Both of you are very introspective, and analytical, and it sounded like you kind of fed off each other in that regard. Too much analyzing can drive a relationship into a spiral where both of you are always analyzing what is going wrong and how to improve it, and never feel free to just let go and live.

 

Men like this fellow...they're great conversationalists and wonderful buddies. But they aren't always great long-term partners. I think you'd do better with someone simpler and happier, once you got used to him.

 

I'm so very sorry it's ended. Take some time and grieve.

 

And now that it's ended, make sure that it's really over. Think now not of this guy, but of what you have to do for yourself and your future husband. The worst emotional baggage doesn't come from clean surgical breakups, but from boomerang relationships where the cut keeps healing and reopening and healing and reopening. Two chances for this fellow is enough.

 

Hugs, SG. I know you will find happiness and a lasting relationship; you are a kind and loving person and deserve it.

[ScienceGal]

I'm very sorry it's over, SG. I hope you're OK, especially having had to deal with so many breakups in a short space of time. I was in a similar situation for a while where I just kept getting into things and they kept ending. My heart really goes out to you.

 

This guy had some issues, SG; he was scared and commitment-phobic. Better it's over now than three years down the road when he would have been refusing to get engaged, or worse, engaged but ambivalent.

 

It also sounded like you were not a personality match. Both of you are very introspective, and analytical, and it sounded like you kind of fed off each other in that regard. Too much analyzing can drive a relationship into a spiral where both of you are always analyzing what is going wrong and how to improve it, and never feel free to just let go and live.

 

Men like this fellow...they're great conversationalists and wonderful buddies. But they aren't always great long-term partners. I think you'd do better with someone simpler and happier, once you got used to him.

 

I'm so very sorry it's ended. Take some time and grieve.

 

And now that it's ended, make sure that it's really over. Think now not of this guy, but of what you have to do for yourself and your future husband. The worst emotional baggage doesn't come from clean surgical breakups, but from boomerang relationships where the cut keeps healing and reopening and healing and reopening. Two chances for this fellow is enough.

 

Hugs, SG. I know you will find happiness and a lasting relationship; you are a kind and loving person and deserve it.

 

Thank you so much MT.

 

After Thursday, I didn't expect to hear from him. In my mind, it was over. Then he called Friday and I went over. I had an event that he had agreed to accompany me to on Saturday, which happened to be 5 minutes from where he lives, and I really needed someone there for support. I had told him not to worry about it, and made other arrangements, but he insisted that he really wanted to go. So he went, and I'm glad he did because we had a great time. He was more affectionate with me though, he held my hand for the first time ever. I liked holding his hand, but I also knew it wasn't real. I could sense him trying to figure out his feelings, it was weird. I could feel his struggle. We had brunch after, and I was under the impression that this was the last time I would see him. There was just no solution that could make a partnership work.

 

He stopped me from putting my coat on and made me sit down next to him. He started the "I don't know what to do" conversation. He was stressed and teary-eyed at times. He was "terrified" (his words). I told him that he should be able to look at me and think "despite all of the stress I am under, there is no way I want to let this woman go. I want to figure it out because I want to be with her". I told him that his being unable to have those clear feelings meant that I had to go.

 

I wasn't looking for any promises, but he should know what he wants at this point, all his wavering just wrecks me. I told him that I was sorry he couldn't figure the problem out; whether it was his work stress, the damage from his previous relationship, or that he and I just don't have the right connection. I told him there wouldn't be a next time. At the end of that 2 hour conversation, we hugged and parted ways again.

 

I'd like to say it's for the last time, but I don't come on LS to lie. He is a great guy, but I realize he is no position to be in a relationship. If he contacts me again, I can't promise I won't respond. It's interesting because I have learned so much, but this is a completely different animal. There was no fighting, no abuse, yet it was still unhealthy. I think that makes it that much more tragic.

 

There aren't many tears this time though. The saddness is the same as it was before. I don't think it ever completely lifted anyway, since a part of me always felt the relationship would end again.

Edited February 12, 2012 by ScienceGal

[KathyM]

You were right to end it. I agree with the previous poster who said that it shouldn't be this difficult to get along so early in a relationship. It means you are not right for each other for whatever reason. I think it's important to not try to force a relationship to work that doesn't work. You have to know when to let go. When you do find the right person, there will be no doubt in your mind that he is the right one, and getting along with each other won't be so difficult.

[Febreze]

I don't want to give up. I want to keep trying, but I'd like some advice.

 

The relationship is weighing on me and has given me some anxiety. I need it to get better soon or I will have to break it off. We dated for 3 months, he left and came back 5 weeks later. He felt he didn't give it enough of a chance. It's been a month since we got back together and things are not meshing like they should. I am only here and hanging on because he is a great guy.

 

Why I want to be with him:

- physically attractive to me

- intelligent

- kind and extremely caring

- compassionate

- responsible

- trustworthy

- we discuss, not argue

- respectable

 

Physically/sexually, things are great. Emotionally, I'm not even sure where to begin. He told me that I am the first woman that has treated him with such kindness. He appreciates that and values it, but is now probing deeper into whether we actually make each other happy, and wondering if we are we supposed to be together. I have never ever had to wonder if the man I am dating wants to be with me. Sure, it's too early to know the long term result, or to be in love. But, I have never felt less than adored... until now.

 

He is busy getting a new business off the ground and I told him I was looking forward to spending more time together once that happens. He is overworked and exhausted, so that only makes this more difficult. I'd like an entire day to spend with him, but that isn't realistic right now. So, I'm trying to balance things and be patient.

 

From my perspective he is overanalyzing everything! We're definitely at a "should I stay or should I go" point. We've talked about this, in detail. Things he said to me yesterday:

 

him: you often cut me off when I am speaking

me: you often ask me a question and then keep talking, so I jump in and answer the question before I forget what it was. (also thinking: "you cut me off too, I just don't care that much. And, you're always talking... I can barely get a word in sometimes").

 

him: when I asked you what job you would do if you could to anything, you answered but didn't ask me what I would want to be.

me: I figured that since I was entertaining such discussion that you would just tell me. I've never gotten the impression that you need to be prompted to talk..

 

him: I don't seem to make you very happy

me: you do, but I have anxiety over the instability that exists in this relationship. I don't feel completely wanted and it makes it difficult to relax sometimes.

him: I try to express that I care. Perhaps there is still some part of me that isn't ready to open up fully.

me: facepalm (we were on the phone)

 

We're both messed up a bit emotionally, that's a fact. But we're both conscious and aware and discuss anything. We're both trying our asses off. We both have things that we truly value in one another. But... how to determine if the compatibility is enough? And it goes both ways, he has pointed out things that he's done that seem to not go over well with me.

I don't believe anyone will be a 100% match, but it should be as close as possible. What do I do to figure this out?

 

Why are u getting so serious so quickly? That's alarming and I think u should take a step back on this.

 

In the 1st year of dating u guys should be having fun and doing things to keep the fun coming, not sitting around the house spilling all the problems u have on the table

 

I think both of u should take a break or better yet just call it off before u get deeper into this and feel like u cant get out.

[moontiger]

He stopped me from putting my coat on and made me sit down next to him. He started the "I don't know what to do" conversation. He was stressed and teary-eyed at times. He was "terrified" (his words). I told him that he should be able to look at me and think "despite all of the stress I am under, there is no way I want to let this woman go. I want to figure it out because I want to be with her". I told him that his being unable to have those clear feelings meant that I had to go.

 

That's for the best.

 

If I could do one thing in my life over again, once I turned 27 or 28, I would have cut things like this off immediately, before they wasted years of my life. In fact I would not have entered them in the first place.

 

I would have looked for stable, happy men who really genuinely wanted a commitment and wanted kids, and weren't afraid of those things. As to his having baggage, everybody has some baggage. If you really want a lasting relationship, though, you get over it. I know, because I've had to do that.

 

You did good.

[chelsea2011]

I agree with the others...you did the right thing. Why punish yourself by staying with someone who is constantly second guessing how they feel about you? Blech...that's nauseating.

 

I'm in similar circumstances, but it's not a new relationship; we've known one another and have been on and off for a looong time. There is a history. I decided to give it another go, but we needed to builld trust up on both sides so things needed to be taken slow. Looking at someone you love and saying, "despite all the stress, there is no way I want to let this person go" doesn't fit because trust has been too broken in the past. Given that, taking it slow and working to rebuild trust is the smart thing to do. I can't imagine being in a new relationship and going through this. You haven't even hit the 6 month mark yet!

[ScienceGal]

I agree with the others...you did the right thing. Why punish yourself by staying with someone who is constantly second guessing how they feel about you? Blech...that's nauseating.

 

I'm in similar circumstances, but it's not a new relationship; we've known one another and have been on and off for a looong time. There is a history. I decided to give it another go, but we needed to builld trust up on both sides so things needed to be taken slow. Looking at someone you love and saying, "despite all the stress, there is no way I want to let this person go" doesn't fit because trust has been too broken in the past. Given that, taking it slow and working to rebuild trust is the smart thing to do. I can't imagine being in a new relationship and going through this. You haven't even hit the 6 month mark yet!

 

I wish you the best of luck Chelsea, but why are you still giving your guy a chance?

 

And, I understand that my relationship was too young to be dealing with such stresses. All of the wonderful things about him are not enough if a constant day to day comfort, happiness and balance cannot be maintained. I understand it completely, but it still hurts. Once I am ready I will pick myself back up, and hopefully I will meet a nice man that will be prepared and eager to treat me well.

[chelsea2011]

I wish you the best of luck Chelsea, but why are you still giving your guy a chance?

 

Good question. I'm trying to figure that out right now.

[ScienceGal]

Good question. I'm trying to figure that out right now.

 

I hope you figure it out.

 

As for me, I hope he never comes back... though something tells me he will.