Feeling discouraged

[chelsea2011]

Not really sure what to do at this point and now I'm just feeling discouraged about it all. All I know is that I am willing to give things a shot as long as it's a balanced effort. Right now I'm not feeling like it is. My biggest fear in dedicating myself to a second chance was that things would remain the same as before and I can't live with that. I also feared that I wouldn't know how to "talk" to him about it in a way that he "hears" it.

 

On the other hand, I've noticed "some" positive efforts, but what good is it if the circumstances remain the same? I don't want to feel like I'm a periphreal in his life even though I understand certain elements as to why things are the way they are right now. Surely there has to be some way he can step outside the box and meet me halfway on this? I don't know how to communicate that to him though without feeling clingy or needy because I'm not, at all. I just need to see that its not all up to me to set things right. I need to see some kind of action on his part that at least encourages me to reciprocate. Is that asking too much? Am I being unfair for wanting that?

 

Open honest "clear" communication would help; that much I know. Did he get put off by me taking it one step at a time? That's not really fair if he did because he knows I've come too far to go back to accepting less than I want in this relationship like I did before. I can't go back to that; it was not fulfilling at all. And, what does he want or expect from me?

 

So anyway, that's where my head is at right now. Just feeling unclear about it all at the moment and it's making feel a bit discouraged. That's all. I don't need him to direct things, I just need him to understand where I'm coming from, like I've done for him.

 

Thanks for listening. Just needed to vent I guess.

Edited February 5, 2012 by chelsea2011

[Exit]

You're not the first person I've seen talking about feeling stuck in a situation like this recently. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it and I'm not sure I've figured anything out. Many people believe in the idea that when you get back in touch with someone, you can't just jump back into the relationship, and I understand why that's not a great idea. But then you're submitted to this "trying it out" period where it's so easy for things to become unbalanced like this. If you don't say anything about it, nothing will change, and it'll keep bothering you. The second you try to initiate a conversation about something like this, the other person can easily accuse you of being needy and pushing too hard. If you can't restore balance to the situation by getting them to try harder, then there's always the (somewhat game-playing) option of dropping your interest level to that of the other person, don't contact them so often and treat them like they're treating you. But this can easily backfire if the other person thinks you're losing interest.

 

As you said, the main route through this treacherous situation would be open and honest communication with the other person, but we never know if that's really possible. You could spend days thinking about how to word it, how do I tell this person that I am noticing a lack of effort on their part, but that I'm not being needy or clingy, that I'm still willing to give this time, and not have the entire thing blow up in my face? You can only control yourself, you can be as open and honest and vulnerable as you possibly can be, but you never know if the other person will return the favor. Will they openly tell you why they seem disinterested, will they give you a satisfying explanation and tell you that they either can or can't try a little harder? Or will they just accuse you of impatience and neediness and threaten to stop all together?

 

So it's a weird situation to be in. So it brings me back to that initial idea, of course it doesn't seem like we can just jump back into relationships when we start talking to someone again, but on the other hand, you don't really feel safe until that point that both people agree to what exactly their current relationship situation is. When both people have made the commitment to say they're in a relationship again and they want to see it work, you tend to hope it won't fall apart any time soon. But all this "giving it time and seeing where it goes" business? Very tricky stuff. There's a very low level of commitment, nobody has really agreed to anything yet, and if you press the wrong buttons, it might end. Sometimes I think "trying things out" is just a bunch of garbage. It could easily just be a loophole for an uncommitted person to keep hanging out with you and testing their options until something better comes along. Ask yourself this, are you really in this with the attitude of "well maybe I'd get back together with him, or maybe some other guy could sweep me off my feet tomorrow, or maybe I'm going to wake up on Monday and decide I just feel like being single." From reading your threads, I really don't think you feel that way. I think you know what you want, you'd like to see this work, and you're only taking your time with it because you think that's what he needs right now. But unfortunately, I'd be willing to bet that he sees his options open like that. He may end up with you, he may not, he's not making a lot of effort to make sure it ends up being a success story, and he most likely isn't sitting there putting so much thought into this situation like you are. I'm not trying to be so bold as to say I know exactly what each of you are thinking, but I am jumping to my conclusions based on a simple theory: if there wasn't at least one of you still weighing out their options and thinking there may be something better to life than being with each other, you'd already be officially back together. Someone doesn't know what they want, and it doesn't sound like it's you.

 

As I was saying though, the whole "trying things out" seems silly to me sometimes. To me, it seems nothing more than a simple substitution of certain words, and apparently some people think this makes the situation "safer". Rather than saying "we are in a relationship now", and if it unfortunately doesn't work out, we'll simply have to "break up" again, for some reason people think it makes a difference to say "let's see where things go", and if it doesn't work too well, maybe some day we'll just "stop hanging out". It's all just a game of words to me.

 

I guess you have a couple choices. You can try talking to him. Maybe it will turn out well, maybe you will get him to understand how you're feeling. Or maybe it won't go so well. If it turns into a disagreement and you can sense that he isn't really interested in hearing you out, maybe it's a sign that this isn't really heading anywhere? You could not say anything at all, but I wouldn't subscribe to that for an unlimited amount of time. Depending on how much this is eating away at you, perhaps you could just hang on for a week or two and see if it improves, but don't wait so long that it starts driving you crazy. But at least at that point if nothing has changed, you'll probably feel a bit more certain that you really need to discuss this.

 

Me personally, I tend to take the blunt honesty route, I'm very bad at concealing my feelings when something is bothering me, and I have no problem being honest and telling people the truth. But I've come to realize just because it's easy for me doesn't mean it always appeals to the people on the other end of the situation, and sometimes being open and honest with your feelings will just get you the answers that you don't want to hear.

 

I was about to end this reply when one final idea popped into mind, what about writing a letter? Give it to him or deliver it in some fashion where you can leave it with him and he won't even have to read it in front of you. You could end the letter by saying you want him to have some time to think about it, and until then, you're going to dial back your efforts a little bit, and as soon as he is ready to offer a response to what you've written, he is welcome to let you know. The upsides I see to this are that you'll avoid pressuring him into a confrontation in person, he can take his own time with the letter and hopefully be more able to "hear" what you're saying, in the meantime you can kinda inform him that you're going to lay low a bit because you aren't sure what's been going on lately and maybe this will offer you a bit of relief from the situation, and then after that the ball is basically in his court to give you an explanation or return to you with renewed effort to make things work, or maybe he'll still accuse you of being needy. But really I think that's a cop-out, I don't think you're being needy, I think you're tired of walking on eggshells and you just want this situation to be worked out already. Sometimes trying to tell these people "hey, be an adult, make a decision, I'm not a pair of shoes for you to try out for a few weeks and then return them" instead makes them lash out with the "you're needy, get a grip" type comments, instead of making up their mind.

 

The biggest risk you take in pushing for an answer and finding out that the answer is negative. But I've noticed within myself and in other people, this is where some flawed thinking starts in many of us. We turn it in to "because I asked - because I wrote that letter - because I pressured, this person ended up changing their mind and telling me no". I think that's really kind of backwards. The person's answer is no because their answer is no, and because you finally called them out on it and made them admit to it. It's not because you brought it up. I'd say this flawed logic is like saying "I got sick because I went to the doctor and found out what was wrong with me". No, if you're suffering from an illness, you're sick because you're sick, and the doctor is just there to diagnose it. Going to see the doctor is not what made you sick. And asking this other person what's going on in your situation is not going to create any imbalance, the imbalance is already there and you want to talk about it. If they jump at the chance to call you needy and say they're done with it, chances are they were already looking for an opportunity to express their disinterest, and trying to discuss it with them is not where the problem started. This flawed thinking seems to convince us "this other person could be totally in love with me right now, so happy with the way things are going, almost ready to tell me next week that we are officially together now and forever, but if I just happen to tell them that they seem a little disinterested, all of that could fade away!". That would never happen. If they're really into you and they think things are going well, they will be willing to discuss it with you and soothe your fears, if they're stuck directly in the middle of the road, you'll probably get a lot of indifference and vague responses from them, and if they're already thinking it's not going to work, bring up this subject may very well get them to admit to it. But simply voicing your concerns to the very person on this planet who you are supposed to be able to communicate with, is not even "pressure" or "neediness" that they're going to blow up and pull a 180 and decide they don't want you anymore, so don't let that fear get to you.

 

Anyways wow I really unloaded on you and posted a bunch of garbage here lol. My mind is all over the place lately I've been terrible with making decisions in my own life and I've started to see the sides to every single option in every single story. If you can't tell, my vote would be to write a letter, unless that feels like a totally foreign idea to you, or you think it wouldn't go over well with him. I think writing is a good way to go when you're worried that you might be pressuring someone too much. Let them have the letter, go away for a couple days, maybe if you already know the next time you were going to hang out, if he's ready to talk by then, fine, if not maybe say you're going to go out with some friends and let him keep thinking about it.

Edited February 5, 2012 by Exit

[chelsea2011]

Thanks exit. You have certainly given me a lot to think about...lol. I feel a little better after venting. I'm trying to work this out tonight while he's busy elsewhere because I'm not under a microscope...lol.

 

In my case, there is a reason I was taking it a bit slow at first and I think he knows why. Or maybe not...I dunno. When we met up a week or so ago, things went well. It's after I see him that I run into issues. My fear of the "old" dynamic we had surfaces, and it causes me to pull back a bit and I'm not sure if this throws him off or not. It may, and if it does, I accept full responsibility.

 

Anyway, the more I think about it the more I think I'm over analyzing things. I was doing so well in the beginning and then I hit a rough patch and now I need to quit thinking so much. Where did the clarity I had go?! Darnit! It will be back soon I'm sure.

[Exit]

Well, just be careful. Many times hearing someone say "I'm just being silly and over analyzing things" is a fairly transparent attempt to deny how they are really feeling. If your gut is telling you things haven't felt right lately, don't just try to sweep it under the rug. I'm not saying it's entirely impossible that you are just over thinking things. You might be. But now you have to analyze: are you over analyzing or not.

 

I may have had my wires crossed when I thought I was familiar with your story. I looked at your other threads and remember now that you're also kind of on board the "taking it slow" wagon and it's not just coming from him. So in that case, who knows. Maybe sometimes he interprets your actions as moving slowly or disinterested, and vice versa.

 

In that case, maybe you have just been psyching yourself out. You know the reasons you wanted to take things slow, and maybe this situation is a perfect example of why.