What are his motivations?

[joeyanna]

Curiosity has gotten the better of me which is why I'm opening this up to the LS community!

 

I have a male friend whom I get on very well with. He makes me laugh, we have much in common and have a pretty good relationship with one major problem!

 

He is an outrageous flirt...not a problem in itself, I enjoy flirting myself but his flirting goes beyond the normal boundaries I think (he can be pretty explicit about the things he would like to do with me). Whenever we meet up for coffee we flirt a little and he teases me in a really playful way but never makes a move but then after we go our separate ways he will text to tell me what he would like to have done given the chance. His body language shows signs of interest and he obviously likes me as a person and feels he can confide in me about every aspect of his life, the major problem is this....

 

He continues to date....now I fully appreciate the fact that he's friendzoned me but why then be so explicitly flirty? For example, I met him for coffee on Friday as he is due to leave on a 6 week trip to Australia at the end of the week, we were our usual chatty, mildly playful selves when he tells me he's going to a gig that night, I knew instantly that he was going with a woman even though he told me he was going with a 'mate' from work but I said nothing. We parted ways after a couple of hours. He texted me as soon as he got home to tell me that he loved my outfit and what he wished he done with me in my car, he then said he was leaving for the gig and that he would 'text me tomorrow'.

 

I received a text just after lunch to say that the gig was good, I playfully said I didn't care as I was insanely jealous (it was a band I really like), he then confessed that the rest of the night and the next morning weren't so good so I asked why and did it involve a woman? His reply was 'how did you guess' and proceeded to tell me that he'd been seeing this woman for 6 weeks and she decided that night that she couldn't see the relationship going anywhere. I replied saying that I knew he was seeing someone and his response was 'god, you can read me like a book' and that I always saw right through him. I jokingly agreed and said that he should just be honest and upfront with me about his dates instead of trying to make out he isn't seeing someone. He then asked if I was annoyed with him.

 

Firstly, why would he care if I was annoyed with him? Secondly, why does he flirt with me in the way he does but continues to date other people? And thirdly, if he was so into this woman, why on earth would he even consider doing naughty things with me (or anyone else for that matter)?

 

We have never been physically intimate in any way, we hug whenever we leave each other, that's it! He's never asked me out on a date or approached me in terms of us having a ONS (something that I'd never do, just not into that sort of thing at all).

 

His behaviour baffles me somewhat, can you please shed some light?

 

Thanks!!

[phineas]

Ask him what he wants with you. seriously. You may be surprised.

 

I've done this with women who sought my friendship & acted just like your guy friend.

 

however, I really do have better things to do than be a flirt-o-bot for some chick whose FWB doesn't give her the personal attention she really wants.

 

If i'm friends with a woman I don't flirt, don't expect them to flirt & I sure don't expect them to do things that would make me think of them in a sexual manner because we are "just friends".

[Oxy Moronovich]

How do you know your dude was so into this woman? He might not have been in an exclusive relationship for the 6 weeks. Did he dump her or vice versa? How old is he that he'd allow himself to get friendzoned?

[ditzchic]

He sounds like an attention whore to me.

 

I be you're not the only girl he is doing this kind of flirting with.

 

I wouldn't read much into it. These guys are a dime a dozen and really relatively harmless. You'll probably end up getting annoyed with him and dropping him as a friend after awhile.

[joeyanna]

Ask him what he wants with you. seriously. You may be surprised.

 

I've done this with women who sought my friendship & acted just like your guy friend.

 

however, I really do have better things to do than be a flirt-o-bot for some chick whose FWB doesn't give her the personal attention she really wants.

 

If i'm friends with a woman I don't flirt, don't expect them to flirt & I sure don't expect them to do things that would make me think of them in a sexual manner because we are "just friends".

I tried asking but he usually makes light of his answer or swerves the question entirely.

 

Can I ask then, why you have behaved in this way in the past towards women who have sought your friendship?

[joeyanna]

How do you know your dude was so into this woman? He might not have been in an exclusive relationship for the 6 weeks. Did he dump her or vice versa? How old is he that he'd allow himself to get friendzoned?

I don't know that he was that into this woman but he did hint that he hadn't brought up exclusivity with her for fear of coming on too strong.

 

She dumped him, telling him that she couldn't see it going anywhere.

 

And I feel that he friendzoned me many months ago, not the other way around but he still continues to be outrageously flirty with me!

[joeyanna]

How do you know your dude was so into this woman? He might not have been in an exclusive relationship for the 6 weeks. Did he dump her or vice versa? How old is he that he'd allow himself to get friendzoned?

I don't know that he was that into this woman but he did hint that he hadn't brought up exclusivity with her for fear of coming on too strong.

 

She dumped him, telling him that she couldn't see it going anywhere.

 

And I feel that he friendzoned me many months ago, not the other way around but he still continues to be outrageously flirty with me!

[joeyanna]

He sounds like an attention whore to me.

 

I be you're not the only girl he is doing this kind of flirting with.

 

I wouldn't read much into it. These guys are a dime a dozen and really relatively harmless. You'll probably end up getting annoyed with him and dropping him as a friend after awhile.

I've genuinely never come across this kind of behaviour before.

 

As for him flirting like this with others, he says not and I actually believe him, I've seen his texts to other women and they are nothing like those he sends to me.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Joeyanna, I honestly don't think your male friend has any other motivation then to have fun with a bunch of different women. Unfortunetly (or fortunetly if you are happy with this), you are included in that group of women.

 

You said it yourself, he is an outrageous flirt. You are most likely not the only woman that he teases about all the things he wants to do to you. He might very well be attracted to you. But a man's attraction to you doesn't equal respect or *true* care. He might like the way *you* make him feel more then he likes you as a person.

 

Keep this in mind whenever you get caught up in the "what if's. Your own words: "He continues to date." He is doing what he wants to do. No matter what he says, the compliments he throws your way, he is continuing to date. That is what he really wants.

 

I personally think he is using you. I don't see much in this relationship that is mutual. It rather seems to be all about him. Maybe I am wrong, but based on what you've shared, that's the impression I have received.

 

Also, please keep this in mind. He was seeing a woman for 6 weeks and he was still talking with YOU about all the things he wanted to do. Is that a nice way to treat you or that woman? I certainly don't think so. Some light flirting is fine, mutual smiles, cute little jokes..but talking about sexual things you want to do with one woman while pursuing another is low.

 

He doesn't really care if you are annoyed with him. He just likes your attention either way. He flirts with you because it feels good for him. Nothing more.

 

You asked: "And thirdly, if he was so into this woman, why on earth would he even consider doing naughty things with me (or anyone else for that matter)?"

 

If he was into the woman, he wouldn't.

 

However, why do you have an interest in a guy that dates one woman and then turns to another for sexual talk? That goes beyond just some flirting. He's not respecting either one of you.

 

This guy is simply toxic.

[joeyanna]

Oh and as a postscript, he appears to be getting braver with the flirty behaviour.

 

We walked back to our cars together (his was parked behind mine) and made a comment as I was about to get into my car which I assumed was a joke so laughed it off. He then made a further comment when sitting in his own car with the engine running, almost as if he wasn't brave enough to say it to my face but he seemed happy saying it from the safety of his car as he was about to pull away.

[joeyanna]

Joeyanna, I honestly don't think your male friend has any other motivation then to have fun with a bunch of different women. Unfortunetly (or fortunetly if you are happy with this), you are included in that group of women.

 

You said it yourself, he is an outrageous flirt. You are most likely not the only woman that he teases about all the things he wants to do to you. He might very well be attracted to you. But a man's attraction to you doesn't equal respect or *true* care. He might like the way *you* make him feel more then he likes you as a person.

 

Keep this in mind whenever you get caught up in the "what if's. Your own words: "He continues to date." He is doing what he wants to do. No matter what he says, the compliments he throws your way, he is continuing to date. That is what he really wants.

 

I personally think he is using you. I don't see much in this relationship that is mutual. It rather seems to be all about him. Maybe I am wrong, but based on what you've shared, that's the impression I have received.

 

Also, please keep this in mind. He was seeing a woman for 6 weeks and he was still talking with YOU about all the things he wanted to do. Is that a nice way to treat you or that woman? I certainly don't think so. Some light flirting is fine, mutual smiles, cute little jokes..but talking about sexual things you want to do with one woman while pursuing another is low.

 

He doesn't really care if you are annoyed with him. He just likes your attention either way. He flirts with you because it feels good for him. Nothing more.

 

You asked: "And thirdly, if he was so into this woman, why on earth would he even consider doing naughty things with me (or anyone else for that matter)?"

 

If he was into the woman, he wouldn't.

 

However, why do you have an interest in a guy that dates one woman and then turns to another for sexual talk? That goes beyond just some flirting. He's not respecting either one of you.

 

This guy is simply toxic.

This was more or less the conclusion I had reached myself so I suppose I was just looking for confirmation.

 

What I will say is that when we meet up the flirting is light (apart from the incidents mentioned in my postscript), and is just usually confined to playful teasing, and the cute smiles etc etc, he generally only says things of a sexual nature in texts, but not all the time, despite what I have described, we do have normal conversations. And when we do meet for coffee he is sweet and attentive, asks lots of questions about me and what I've been up to and how I'm doing.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

This was more or less the conclusion I had reached myself so I suppose I was just looking for confirmation.

 

What I will say is that when we meet up the flirting is light (apart from the incidents mentioned in my postscript), and is just usually confined to playful teasing, and the cute smiles etc etc, he generally only says things of a sexual nature in texts, but not all the time, despite what I have described, we do have normal conversations. And when we do meet for coffee he is sweet and attentive, asks lots of questions about me and what I've been up to and how I'm doing.

 

Usually when a good chunk of a man's conversation with you refers to the sexual, this is all he is really looking for from you. He clearly isn't shy. So it's not like he isn't asking you out because he has to overcome his shyness. His actions prove he is quite comfortable being open about his desires. I really just think he is a player and that you are in danger of falling into a situation where you are going to get used. Please remember that he pursued one woman while talking sexually to you. Do not think for a moment that if you get envolved with him, that he won't do the same thing to you. He will. If you want to be friends with him and continue the flirtation, you can. But I do not think this man is offering you much of anything but a couple cheap "feel good" moments.

[phineas]

I tried asking but he usually makes light of his answer or swerves the question entirely.

 

Then he really doesn't sound like all that great a friend now does he?

 

It almost sounds like he's trying to set you up for FWB by playing the "women want what they can't have" game. Except he shouldn't be flirting with you at all.

He should be acting like he doesn't see you in a sexual manner. period.

 

When a woman FZ's me I do this & tell her about the cool stuff I do with the women who do sleep with me.

 

Then she see's how good a BF I am & looks at how the jerks & looser's she dates treats her badly (probably because I point out how she's the stupid head for putting up with that crap) and soon as said woman i'm dating breaks up with me their on me because they don't want to miss their chance again.

 

He's either doing it wrong or he's just a serious attention whore.

 

Can I ask then, why you have behaved in this way in the past towards women who have sought your friendship?

 

Because I have things to do.

Projects, guy friends i've known for 10+yrs, golf, family, kids, ect & if i'm going to take time off from those activities for a woman she had better want to date or be a true friend.

 

However, they rarely want to be true friends & a woman trying to make me think of her sexually that doesn't want to have sex with me is just damn annoying from a man's point of view.

 

Also, some women that want to be "friends" expect me to put them at the top of the totem pole above my other friends & that just isn't going to happen.

[joeyanna]

Usually when a good chunk of a man's conversation with you refers to the sexual, this is all he is really looking for from you. He clearly isn't shy. So it's not like he isn't asking you out because he has to overcome his shyness. His actions prove he is quite comfortable being open about his desires. I really just think he is a player and that you are in danger of falling into a situation where you are going to get used. Please remember that he pursued one woman while talking sexually to you. Do not think for a moment that if you get envolved with him, that he won't do the same thing to you. He will. If you want to be friends with him and continue the flirtation, you can. But I do not think this man is offering you much of anything but a couple cheap "feel good" moments.

Again, I have considered all of this and as I said in the OP, I'm asking out of curiosity rather than anything else. I have no intention of ever following through with anything, as I already stated, I'm not into ONS, never have been. As I said, he goes oversea's at the end of the week for 6 weeks so that time of NC will give me plenty of time to evaluate how I feel about the situation and whether I actually want to continue being friends with him on his return.

[joeyanna]

Then he really doesn't sound like all that great a friend now does he?

 

It almost sounds like he's trying to set you up for FWB by playing the "women want what they can't have" game. Except he shouldn't be flirting with you at all.

He should be acting like he doesn't see you in a sexual manner. period.

 

When a woman FZ's me I do this & tell her about the cool stuff I do with the women who do sleep with me.

 

Then she see's how good a BF I am & looks at how the jerks & looser's she dates treats her badly (probably because I point out how she's the stupid head for putting up with that crap) and soon as said woman i'm dating breaks up with me their on me because they don't want to miss their chance again.

 

He's either doing it wrong or he's just a serious attention whore.

 

 

 

Because I have things to do.

Projects, guy friends i've known for 10+yrs, golf, family, kids, ect & if i'm going to take time off from those activities for a woman she had better want to date or be a true friend.

 

However, they rarely want to be true friends & a woman trying to make me think of her sexually that doesn't want to have sex with me is just damn annoying from a man's point of view.

 

Also, some women that want to be "friends" expect me to put them at the top of the totem pole above my other friends & that just isn't going to happen.

We did talk about meeting up for a proper drink before he leaves on his trip so I think that may be an opportune moment to bring the subject up, I would much rather see his reaction in the flesh (so to speak) than try and gain some insight for a jokey, avoiding the question type text, he can't squirm out of it if I put him on the spot.

 

I think what I need to do is find out if he can just be friends without the flirting and if it doesn't work then I have my answer!

[phineas]

We did talk about meeting up for a proper drink before he leaves on his trip so I think that may be an opportune moment to bring the subject up, I would much rather see his reaction in the flesh (so to speak) than try and gain some insight for a jokey, avoiding the question type text, he can't squirm out of it if I put him on the spot.

 

I think what I need to do is find out if he can just be friends without the flirting and if it doesn't work then I have my answer!

 

Well it's gotta be damn annoying plus he's probably looking more & more like a fool to you.

 

It's possible he has turrets or just really, really, really socially awkward & nervous around you?

 

Or he is full of crap & trying to put on a player persona in order to make you view him as desired by other women. (this does in fact work with some women).

just like asking someone over for pizza & sex then going "what?, you don't like pizza?" when they object. actually works with some women.

 

 

 

But i'd put that in the 1% category.

[joeyanna]

Well it's gotta be damn annoying plus he's probably looking more & more like a fool to you.

 

It's possible he has turrets or just really, really, really socially awkward & nervous around you?

 

Or he is full of crap & trying to put on a player persona in order to make you view him as desired by other women. (this does in fact work with some women).

just like asking someone over for pizza & sex then going "what?, you don't like pizza?" when they object. actually works with some women.

 

 

 

But i'd put that in the 1% category.

When we're together in person he doesn't seem either nervous or socially awkward, he's engaging and attentive, he takes an interest in what I say and playfully teases me, it's only when he texts that he's suggestive (apart from when he was leaving on Friday which was the first time he's actually been upfront with any comments but even then said it as he was leaving so there would be no chance of us acting on anything, not that I would want to under those circumstances). We talk about everyday mundane things and he takes a genuine interest in my studies and will text and ask how I am when he knows I'm having a bad day.

 

I don't doubt that he has been on dates with other women as I've seen the texts (he forwarded some on to me a while back when he wanted some advice).

 

I think our relationship has actually become very blurred over time as he see's me as a friend and a confidente (he once said to me that I knew so much about him he kept no secrets from me - other than him not telling me when he's dating other people lol) but then does the whole flirting thing.

[joeyanna]

Well it's gotta be damn annoying plus he's probably looking more & more like a fool to you.

 

It's possible he has turrets or just really, really, really socially awkward & nervous around you?

 

Or he is full of crap & trying to put on a player persona in order to make you view him as desired by other women. (this does in fact work with some women).

just like asking someone over for pizza & sex then going "what?, you don't like pizza?" when they object. actually works with some women.

 

 

 

But i'd put that in the 1% category.

When we're together in person he doesn't seem either nervous or socially awkward, he's engaging and attentive, he takes an interest in what I say and playfully teases me, it's only when he texts that he's suggestive (apart from when he was leaving on Friday which was the first time he's actually been upfront with any comments but even then said it as he was leaving so there would be no chance of us acting on anything, not that I would want to under those circumstances). We talk about everyday mundane things and he takes a genuine interest in my studies and will text and ask how I am when he knows I'm having a bad day.

 

I don't doubt that he has been on dates with other women as I've seen the texts (he forwarded some on to me a while back when he wanted some advice).

 

I think our relationship has actually become very blurred over time as he see's me as a friend and a confidente (he once said to me that I knew so much about him he kept no secrets from me - other than him not telling me when he's dating other people lol) but then does the whole flirting thing.