TheFinalWord Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 So I met this woman on EH. We wrote back and forth for a good week. The letters were long and in-depth; 3 to 4 pages on average. Then we began talking on the phone. We spoke anywhere from 2 to 4 hours every day for two weeks talking about everything. We had a lot in common and shared many of the same interests. We’re both also in grad school so we both understand academic life. We met yesterday for the first time in person. It seemed like we had a good time. We hung out for about 6 hours. She seemed very nervous around me and seemed interested. She did not eat around me and laughed and giggled around me the entire time. We touched several times over the night and before we left we hugged and I have her a kiss on the cheek (she said she likes to take things slow so before anyone asks why I didn’t French kiss her that’s why; I didn't want to put pressure on her). She texted me on the way home and asked how my trip was. We talked for a few minutes on the phone and texted back and forth a few times last night. Over the texts she said it was great to get to meet me and she had a great time. Today I texted her and we wrote back and forth a few times. She said she would text me later but never did. Her texts seemed nice and flirty. About 4 hours later I texted her and asked if she wanted to talk. No response. A few hours later I called and left her a VM and asked her out on another date. No response. If you are thinking I sounded desperate by texting then calling, please note we talked every day prior for hours and hours on end. So this was a normal pattern for us. She always immediately responded through text or by phone. Today was the first day we had not talked on the phone. I am guessing she decided she did not like me and is now ignoring me. What did I do? Am I overanalyzing this? She always immediately replied so the fact she ignored me the rest of the night seems odd. Also earlier that day she updated her EH profile. I never read much into that but when you add the change in communication and updating her profile I am only left with the conclusion she met me and was not interested. For the life of me I can’t figure out why though. She had seen my pictures (they were recent) and I didn’t converse any differently in person. If she wasn’t interested, why text me after our date? Why not ignore me immediately afterwards? Why continue to flirt through texts? I have no intentions of contacting her again so no worries. NC is in full effect. But I am baffled by the odd behavior. I really liked this girl and thought we had a connection on many levels. Bah. I’m done with on-line!
Author TheFinalWord Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 Also earlier that day she updated her EH profile. I never read much into that but when you add the change in communication and updating her profile I am only left with the conclusion she met me and was not interested. Just to add here, she had updated her profile a few times while we were still talking. I never put much thought into it; I thought it was actually a test or something to see if I'd get jealous. But to do it the day after we went out on our first date? Seems too coincidental. I should also add we live a few hours apart and with grad school life we have to plan our dates; we can't just meet up anytime we want.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 Yeah...I think something about you in person struck her differently than she expected, maybe she just felt the chemistry was different or off. It's a shame, I feel for you in this circumstance but this is why anything developed before meeting should always be taken with a grain of salt as to not find yourself in this kind of a situation. It's definitely possible to connect with someone before meeting but meeting is a crucial part of the meeting and dating process, unless you are interested in just friendships with women I would advise not to invest so much of your personal time and emotions in the hopes of more...at this point you can just take it for what it is. There is a chance she may contact you again, but yes her sudden change in behavior definitely kills the mood If you will and is a sign that It's pretty much run it's course.
SJC2008 Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 For starters take a dating site for what it is. It's a dating site and the object is to get the number and a date. Forget the writing back and forth for a week crap. If I don't get a # by the 3rd eamil I'm out. It's a dating site not a pen pal site. I'm not scolding you, just giving you my opinion. The only thing I hate about OLD is the checking. Seeing if they have been active and all that crap. The girl I'm dating sent me a pic before she went out one night and now it's her profile pic lol. We have no control over their activity so why let it bother us. Now if this 3rd date goes good I'm thinking of asking her to hide her profile and tell her I'll do the same. Basically a step before "official".
carhill Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 My sympathies, OP. That sounds a lot like my dating life from 1996 to 1999. Do that a couple times a month for two or three years and get back to me. It's no wonder I ended up on the other side of the world looking for compatible partners. What happened? She made that ten second decision that women often make and you were consigned to the nether. Forget the writing back and forth for a week crap. This is good advice, IMO and, additionally, save the War and Peace novels for your grandchildren to read or, more specifically to the topic, for someone who has earned them.
Author TheFinalWord Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 Good advice fellas. I don't take it as scolding, I am really trying to learn here so I don't waste anymore time. I basically did all of that writing at first b/c she was nervous to meet up with people on-line. It took a while for her to give me her number. But there was something about her I liked so I thought it would be a good investment. I guess the solution is to limit the distance to immediate area. That way I can meet before investing so much time and emotions. I still can't figure it out. Annoying b/c it would be one thing if we never talked, went on a date, and then weren't feeling it. But we spent so much time talking and getting to know each other. In person she was flirting, saw her checking me out a few times; so I can't for sure say it's physical. Also, it's not like she was a super model or anything; I didn't think she was out of my league by any means. The dynamic was good in my opinion for a first date. We laughed a lot and hung out for hours. I thought maybe she is multi-dating, but we spent so much time on the phone she couldn't have been talking to that many guys. Plus with grad school there is limited time for an extensive social life. Oh well, thanks for the advice. Another lesson learned!
carhill Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 'Phone' and 'letter' are to some women what 'sex' is to some men. Neither have anything to do with a relationship. They're needs and wants to be filled. 'Blow your wad' on the phone or via electronic means and she's left wanting *nothing*. How do I know this? Decades of experience
Author TheFinalWord Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 'Phone' and 'letter' are to some women what 'sex' is to some men. Neither have anything to do with a relationship. They're needs and wants to be filled. 'Blow your wad' on the phone or via electronic means and she's left wanting *nothing*. How do I know this? Decades of experience Wow, that is definitely some of the best advice I have heard on here. Never thought of that before!
carhill Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 When they 'want', you cannot imagine how quickly and enthusiastically that phone is answered. Fill that need and, a day later, you get voice mail without a return call BTW, this kind of behavior is a canary. Ignore it at your own risk.
Author TheFinalWord Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 When they 'want', you cannot imagine how quickly and enthusiastically that phone is answered. Fill that need and, a day later, you get voice mail without a return call BTW, this kind of behavior is a canary. Ignore it at your own risk. haha I love the analogy to sex. Ingenious. I won't ignore it! I'm also of the mindset that there is a momentum at the beginning stages of dating. From my experience I've found it doesn't take much to kill it. Once it's killed its not likely (never in my experience) to come back. What I think happened is that the person she got to know on the phone was a kind of fantasy. When she met me in real life it killed the fantasy. I have been told by many women I'm a good conversationalist. I think its a bit like meeting a famous actor you crush on then you hang around them in real life and see they burp and crap like everyone else and it takes away that mysteriousness lol
carhill Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 While YMMV, I did find it a peculiar coincidence that private 'inquiries' around these parts mysteriously tapered off once I posted up a picture of my exW and I in my albums here on LS. Not unlike past experiences IRL and your hypothesis here, fantasy can impel powerful want. Reality, not so much
RecordProducer Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 I have no intentions of contacting her again so no worries. NC is in full effect. But I am baffled by the odd behavior. We have nothing to worry about. I think she thinks you're not into her because you kissed her on the cheek. How far did you travel to meet her? I think you should let her know explicitly that you're very interested in her - and deal with her response, whatever it may be. What do you have to lose? Write a one paragraph emailor call her and tell her you would appreciate an honest answer from her, but make you you make it clear that you like her. Good luck!
Author TheFinalWord Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 We have nothing to worry about. I think she thinks you're not into her because you kissed her on the cheek. How far did you travel to meet her? I think you should let her know explicitly that you're very interested in her - and deal with her response, whatever it may be. What do you have to lose? Write a one paragraph emailor call her and tell her you would appreciate an honest answer from her, but make you you make it clear that you like her. Good luck! haha I only put that b/c I anticipated the typical responses, "Go NC" "You should have frenched her" etc. I took your advice and wrote. No response. I guess no response is a response in and of itself. Just frustrating b/c we shared a lot of deep stuff about one another and then she goes MIA. It's just disrespectful to do that to someone IMHO. Just tell me you didn't like my breath or something lol Oh well, I'm over it. She was kind of chubby anyway. So whatever. I overlooked it b/c I thought she had a good personality and I am not 100% looks driven. For those considering on-line dating some words of advice: 1) Try to meet as soon as possible 2) Don't tell her much until you meet and have a few dates 3) Always wonder why a pretty woman would need to use OLD in the first place.
FitChick Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 h 1) Try to meet as soon as possible 2) Don't tell her much until you meet and have a few dates 3) Always wonder why a pretty woman would need to use OLD in the first place. You can't meet right away if they are far away. I am not going to spend the time and money on a plane trip to meet someone I know nothing about. I prefer taking time to talk at length before meeting. It saves time in the long run. As for why a pretty woman needs to use OLD, maybe it's because there aren't enough men in her area or she doesn't have time to drive all over the place meeting men for coffee only to find out that with a five minute phone call she needn't have bothered.
Author TheFinalWord Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 You can't meet right away if they are far away. I am not going to spend the time and money on a plane trip to meet someone I know nothing about. I prefer taking time to talk at length before meeting. It saves time in the long run. As for why a pretty woman needs to use OLD, maybe it's because there aren't enough men in her area or she doesn't have time to drive all over the place meeting men for coffee only to find out that with a five minute phone call she needn't have bothered. Okay, well let's say you spent 2 weeks talking every day for 3 and 4 hours. The week prior writing 3 and 4 page letters to each other every day. And these weren't just casual conversations. We talked about a lot of deep things with each other. When you meet and go on a 6 hour date, would you just go MIA and provide no explanation to the guy? That is my situation. I just thought all the time we spent talking I knew her well enough that she wouldn't act like this. But I guess people can wear a mask for as long as they need to. I just wanted some explanation but it appears I won't get it! I just think it's basic human decency that when you have gotten to know each other you at least respond to the guy and let him know you're not interested after all. I think its disrespectful, but she has shown her true colors!
Author TheFinalWord Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 (edited) You can't meet right away if they are far away. I am not going to spend the time and money on a plane trip to meet someone I know nothing about. I prefer taking time to talk at length before meeting. It saves time in the long run. As for why a pretty woman needs to use OLD, maybe it's because there aren't enough men in her area or she doesn't have time to drive all over the place meeting men for coffee only to find out that with a five minute phone call she needn't have bothered. Okay, well let's say you spent a week writing 3 to 4 page letters to each other every day. Then for 2 weeks after you talked on the phone every day for 3 and 4 hours. And not just casual conversations....deep things with each other. When you meet and go on a 6 hour date, would you just go MIA and provide no explanation to the guy? That is my situation. I just thought all the time we spent getting to know her that she wouldn't act like this. But I guess people can wear a mask for as long as they need to. It is still just shocking to me. I felt like I knew her better than this. I would have never expected such behavior. After 40 hours of conversation you think you know someone a little. I just wanted some explanation but it appears I won't get it! I just think it's basic human decency that when you have gotten to know someone at a deeper level (at least I thought it was) you could at least respond to the guy and let him know you're not interested after all. I think its disrespectful, but she has shown her true colors! PS: We're an hour apart. Not across the country. Edited February 5, 2012 by TheFinalWord
RecordProducer Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 I took your advice and wrote. No response. I guess no response is a response in and of itself. I guess. Well, at least you know her final word now. It' not fair though that after everything, she didn't even grace your question by simply saying she didn't think you were a match or something like that. Unless you did something horrible, which doesn't seem to be the case considering her nice behavior during the date, as well as the length of the date. You never know with people; while you're thinking she probably didn't like you, the case may be that she was trying to make someone else jealous and it worked, so she didn't have the decency to make you feel better about being rejected. Just frustrating b/c we shared a lot of deep stuff about one another and then she goes MIA. It's just disrespectful to do that to someone IMHO. It's totally disrespectful to keep you in the dark and act like she owes you no explanation. If this were just a one-hour phone conversation followed by dinner, it would be different - and still, I think if your date asks you for a yes or no answer, you should tell them the truth, somewhat in gloves, though: e.g. "we're not a match" or "no chemistry" or "I just realized I have feelings for someone else." But people suck, c'est la vie. She was kind of chubby anyway. Yes, she was! And she is one of those women who don't appreciate the fun company of a fantastic man either! So whatever. It's not "whatever" - it's good riddance! I overlooked it b/c I thought she had a good personality and I am not 100% looks driven. No, she had a very bad personality. For those considering on-line dating some words of advice: 1) Try to meet as soon as possible 2) Don't tell her much until you meet and have a few dates 3) Always wonder why a pretty woman would need to use OLD in the first place. You know, I kinda like talking for a while on the phone because it gets me closer to the person without the nervousness of the physical presence and pressure for chemistry/kiss. I also get to know them better. I am doing the OLD as a supplement to whatever chances I may have in real life to meet someone; also because I hate the bar scene: people of all kinds get drunk, and when I get approached by guys who are not right for me (e.g. a tattooed highschool dropout), it's hard to get rid of them.
Author TheFinalWord Posted February 6, 2012 Author Posted February 6, 2012 Thanks for the kind words Record Producer. I agree with you. I always try to give some closure for the other person if I'm the one doing the rejecting. Like you recommend, I give some type of "gloved" response. I can't think of anything I did that was horrible. She texted me the next day and said I was so sweet. I think it shows an extreme lack of maturity so I think it is good I found out now what her true colors are. Well if you want to pursue OLD more power to you! I hope it works for you. I am sure I'm not the only guy who has gone through this so maybe you will understand if a potential date doesn't want to spend a lot of time talking on the phone or writing before meeting.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 She was a jerk for not being upfront with you about why she was not going forward after all the communication you had, but … I hate to say it … welcome to on line dating. Guys do the disappearing thing too. I do have advice for you, though. If you can't meet someone quickly, really keep the massive communication under strict control. Multi page letters and daily hours long phone calls set up a sense of shared intimacy that is usually pretty difficult to sustain. You set yourselves up for failure, because it's really difficult to "start fresh" when you finally meet after all of that. And if there is shyness, or maybe not a giant spark, it makes things very awkward. I think it's fine to be in daily contact if you are sure you're really interested and you want the other person to know it, but I'd keep them short and don't overshare. Ideally, you should meet as soon as you can, but that is not always very soon.
phineas Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 She was a jerk for not being upfront with you about why she was not going forward after all the communication you had, but … I hate to say it … welcome to on line dating. Guys do the disappearing thing too. I do have advice for you, though. If you can't meet someone quickly, really keep the massive communication under strict control. Multi page letters and daily hours long phone calls set up a sense of shared intimacy that is usually pretty difficult to sustain. You set yourselves up for failure, because it's really difficult to "start fresh" when you finally meet after all of that. And if there is shyness, or maybe not a giant spark, it makes things very awkward. I think it's fine to be in daily contact if you are sure you're really interested and you want the other person to know it, but I'd keep them short and don't overshare. Ideally, you should meet as soon as you can, but that is not always very soon. This is how I do it. I don't invest much time into the person other than to ask a few questions & such to get a feel for if we like some of the same things then let them know I'd like to talk with with on the phone or meet. But, so many women want to go weeks of emailing then they poof. Whatever. I recently had a woman wink at me, I responded then she kinda pestered me a little wondering if she'd hear from me that week & if I was interested. We exchanged emails & she wanted to talk. So I called, we chatted for a little bit & then she said she had to take care of something & would call me right back. Never called. I assumed she decided she wasn't interested. This was wed. I just found more women to message. today on my way to a Superbowl party she txt'd me to ask me how my weekend was going & for me to enjoy the game. HUH? I have no idea. Was she trying to get me to chase? Did she find someone she liked better & it fell through? Doesn't matter to me. I'll get back to her tom with a suggestion we meet. I'm not as interested in her as I originally was because of this so i'm really going to have to see her in person to decide if I want to continue. Op, she either saw something she didn't like or she found someone she liked better. At least you know not to invest so much into communications leading up to a meeting.
Shaun-Dro Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 This is how I do it. I don't invest much time into the person other than to ask a few questions & such to get a feel for if we like some of the same things then let them know I'd like to talk with with on the phone or meet. But, so many women want to go weeks of emailing then they poof. Whatever. I recently had a woman wink at me, I responded then she kinda pestered me a little wondering if she'd hear from me that week & if I was interested. We exchanged emails & she wanted to talk. So I called, we chatted for a little bit & then she said she had to take care of something & would call me right back. Never called. I assumed she decided she wasn't interested. This was wed. I just found more women to message. today on my way to a Superbowl party she txt'd me to ask me how my weekend was going & for me to enjoy the game. HUH? I have no idea. Was she trying to get me to chase? Did she find someone she liked better & it fell through? Doesn't matter to me. I'll get back to her tom with a suggestion we meet. I'm not as interested in her as I originally was because of this so i'm really going to have to see her in person to decide if I want to continue. Op, she either saw something she didn't like or she found someone she liked better. At least you know not to invest so much into communications leading up to a meeting. I agree; take everything at face value and with a grain of salt. The OP in my opinion invested too much with a woman he never actually met and things went against the grain later. That is a no-no in the dating world. As a cardinal rule, men must hold back all emotions and let the woman be first to put hers in. Only then should men reciprocate if he feels the same.
Author TheFinalWord Posted February 6, 2012 Author Posted February 6, 2012 (edited) today on my way to a Superbowl party she txt'd me to ask me how my weekend was going & for me to enjoy the game. HUH? She is probably acting like she doesn't care on purpose to give you a "challenge". Many women try this but don't realize men don't connect the dots like they do. Wouldn't life be so much easier if everyone was direct and didn't try to play "dating" games? We would all save so much time. See how I can give you advice and muck up my own dating gigs? I do have advice for you, though. If you can't meet someone quickly, really keep the massive communication under strict control. Multi page letters and daily hours long phone calls set up a sense of shared intimacy that is usually pretty difficult to sustain. You set yourselves up for failure, because it's really difficult to "start fresh" when you finally meet after all of that. And if there is shyness, or maybe not a giant spark, it makes things very awkward. Thanks for the advice. I will take it. The thing that is tricky is that it is not always easy to meet right away when there is distance. Plus we're both in grad school so even weekend dates have to be planned. We had great conversations (at least I thought ) so it was easy to get caught up in the excitement. But I will control it from now on. I agree; take everything at face value and with a grain of salt. The OP in my opinion invested too much with a woman he never actually met and things went against the grain later. That is a no-no in the dating world. As a cardinal rule, men must hold back all emotions and let the woman be first to put hers in. Only then should men reciprocate if he feels the same. I agree that I did. I see that now. I won't repeat it. I am now behind on days of work which makes all the investment of time that much more aggravating! I also feel like an naive a-hole for thinking this 6 hour date was going pretty good and the whole time she's probably thinking "how can I get out of this?" lol I guess I have also learned to not spend large amounts of time with someone on a first date. Have a shorter first date and then see if she wants another more in-depth second date. How do you get a woman to put her emotions out first? And how do you know that she has? I thought we both had an emotional connection through our phone conversations. Now I just think I was played for a fool. Not going to let this make me bitter though. I've learned quite a few lessons from this! Edited February 6, 2012 by TheFinalWord
phineas Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 She is probably acting like she doesn't care on purpose to give you a "challenge". Many women try this but don't realize men don't connect the dots like they do. Wouldn't life be so much easier if everyone was direct and didn't try to play "dating" games? We would all save so much time. See how I can give you advice and muck up my own dating gigs? She can't meet this week because she is on call for her job which I get if true. I did on-call before & it sucks. So i'm going to call her again later in the week. I actually have a woman I met in real life interested in me so if this one doesn't want to meet by next week i'm going to move on.
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