Women are allowed to be insecure

[Meeks7]

No, I really did try. Then after getting excited there would be a change, I was just extremely disappointed. That's why I scoff at the idea of doing therapy again.

 

How do you define "really did try" ? What suggestions did they give you, and what did you actually do on YOUR own outside therapy hours? Please be specific. I say this because it's easy for humans to say "Oh I really did try" and leave it at that. We have a bias and sometimes have the trouble of blaming stuff on other factors when really, it was us to begin with.

 

For example, what did you and the therapists talk about? Which part was MOST helpful to you? How much was childhood discussed? Were any practical tips given on how to live your life daily? (i.e. daily interaction with others)

 

 

God forgive me? Yeah right, it's me who doesn't forgive him.

 

Well there's your problem right there. You lack faith. And you make everything about YOU. John 3:16 is the basis of Christianity. God sent His one and only son to die so that those who accept and believe in Him may have eternal life.

 

If you truly believe in John 3:16, you will know God forgave us all when He gave His one and only son. That's an atoning sacrifice of serious love. If you can't understand that by faith then you simply don't get it.

 

God is not a magic genie. The problem is, you base your relationship with Him on that. That's poor theology.

 

You said you used to go to church. I'd suggest visiting one more time. Just sit in the back and take in the message. It might do you some good. I know one thing, you can't get any worse. So you might as well DO SOMETHING rather than just moaning on the internet.

 

GET OUT THERE! Taste a little life.

[Els]

Time and time again I've heard that the most important thing women care about is confidence. And that a lack of confidence is the primary reason why a girl would reject a guy.

 

And now several women are telling me that there are insecure guys who are in relationships.

 

What the hell is going on?!

 

First I blamed my height on the reason why I can't get a girlfriend. And everybody said, "No, that's not it." Now I started to believe that my lack of confidence is the reason why I'm single and once again I'm being told, "No, that's not it."

 

WTF!

 

I've been told by a few girls that I'm cute, including several on this forum. Somebody sent me a PM asking for a picture of me and after seeing it she said this

 

"Wow!! You're really cute actually!! I assumed you were a fug. Lol. I really don't see why you have an issue with the ladies, I'd hit it ;)"

 

I feel like my head is going to explode. I don't have a clue what is going on.

 

 

Well, everyone has a different opinion. I, for one, have never thought that your lack of confidence was the biggest or only issue. Others think differently. There are lots of people who tell women that being overweight is their biggest enemy in finding a mate. You evidently know overweight women in relationships, and so do I.

 

Fact: Nobody can tell you definitively what is or what is not your problem, not the least because each girl you approach will have different preferences and requirements.

[zengirl]

Time and time again I've heard that the most important thing women care about is confidence. And that a lack of confidence is the primary reason why a girl would reject a guy.

 

I think that's a crock. That's not the primary reason a woman would reject a man, but both men and women who lack confidence invite rejection and have greater trouble coping with it.

 

The problem is you somehow took the idea that "confidence is attractive" (true; confidence and security in who you are -- not arrogance, not bravado -- are attractive) and turned it into a magic bullet. It is not. Confidence alone does not get anyone what they want, but it allows them to go after it more effectively.

 

First I blamed my height on the reason why I can't get a girlfriend. And everybody said, "No, that's not it." Now I started to believe that my lack of confidence is the reason why I'm single and once again I'm being told, "No, that's not it."

 

Insecurities are not all the same. Many men have insecurities without behaving as you do.

 

I would say your overall negative, passive, self-defeating, dis-empowered attitude is a big reason why you aren't happy or able to attract the women you want. It doesn't mean if you changed that attitude you could attract whoever you wanted, but if you changed that attitude, you could change yourself, which is what is necessary to change your life. I think that's what people have said. And just last week women on a thread pointed to another potential issue you might have, in terms of your attitude (superficiality), that may be hindering you.

 

Confidence isn't about plugging in all your insecurities and slapping some confidence paint on top; it's about changing your whole mindset. So, yes, everyone with major lack confidence issues suffers from them --whether that person is male or female -- but every insecurity is not the same. Most people have some insecurities; most people who let insecurities rule their lives are not in happy relationships unless they get very lucky AND bring a lot more to the table.

 

That's why I explicitly said relationship and or sex. I meant it as whatever is more important to the person.

 

The only way I see insecurity hurting a woman is that she should eventually get dumped. And yes, the seem to never be happy even though have everything they want. I swear, reading the things that some women have complained about here made me want to choke them. They have no idea how lucky they are to have what they do.

 

Most chronically insecure women I know (not all -- some were lucky, just as some insecure men are) have had trouble getting into real relationships. Sure, guys will sleep with them, but no one wants to commit to a bundle of insecurities. And, really, why would anyone? It sounds exhausting! But how are those women any more lucky than you? They are not getting what they want either. Just because what they want is different from what you want doesn't mean they are any less defeated.

Edited February 7, 2012 by zengirl

[Dust]

Somedude doesn't ask out women. If he stayed the same loserly way he is now but just started asking out women on a regular basis he would get a gf.

 

You can't go almost a year asking out ZERO girls and probably only asked out like 6 girls max in his entire 30 year old life. Then when he does on rare ocasion spend alone time with a girl he likes he makes ZERO moves because he's afraid of getting smacked...

 

Yeah thats his problem. Then he just say "but I did ask out girls and that didn't work." SO he's onto just complaining about how he wants to be a woman and not doing anything about it...

 

Ask out girls, make moves. You'll get a gf. It's really that simple. Some guys who have gf's are so insecure they have to lie about everything in their life. Or they spend their life running. Unlike you they ask out girls, and make moves. Theres your answer I know you're to offended to ever have to stoop to playing the role of the man and chasing women but if you did you'd get girls.

 

Somedude doesn't ask girls out because its to offensive and idea for him to put himself in a position to be hypotheticaly rejected. He'd rather cry about it for the rest of his life.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well … it's not just about asking girls out, even though that would be a requirement for any guy who doesn't have girls chasing after him.

 

I'm sure this is very harsh, but I'm going to say it anyway.

 

Somedude, you don't come off here as likable, and I doubt you do in real life either. No matter how many times you insist upon what a "good guy" you are, you aren't coming off that way. Even if you were, you could still be "good" but not likable.

 

It's not hopeless, but remedy would involve the one thing you are adamantly against: forgetting about blaming anything. Grow.

[zengirl]

Somedude doesn't ask out women. If he stayed the same loserly way he is now but just started asking out women on a regular basis he would get a gf.

 

That's true, though it's his 'loserly way' (as you put it) that keeps him from asking women out.

[Emilia]

 

Now you just look at porn... You need to put your sex drive into getting a gf instead of diverting it.

 

 

This. You need to use your libido to work for you. It gives you the drive to talk to girls and work the numbers game.

[thatone]

Yeah, I wish women weren't so obsessed with confidence. It's overrated. No one is truly confident anyway.

 

i am

 

 

 

 

 

10 chars

[Teknoe]

I'm sure this is very harsh, but I'm going to say it anyway.

 

Somedude, you don't come off here as likable, and I doubt you do in real life either. No matter how many times you insist upon what a "good guy" you are, you aren't coming off that way. Even if you were, you could still be "good" but not likable.

 

 

Agreed. He has two problems:

 

1. He doesn't ask out enough girls/doesn't make enough moves to position himself into a boyfriend role

 

2. He does come off as unlikeable

 

I know SD you're thinking "Oh woe, the LS world against me again" but there is your problem again. Stop being so defensive, and stop being so dense. You're making this harder than it is. I still believe you are a walking self-fulfilling prophecy. And deep down, you probably enjoy it, in some twisted way. The mind is an amazing thing. Because failure YOUR way is safer than failing in a new way (i.e. that's why you're reluctant to try anything new. Therapy, no. Speed dating, no. Small groups, no. etc.)

 

And this is another reason why you have no friends. It's a red flag. PERHAPS, just PERHAPS, you DO come off as unlikeable, and JUST PERHAPS, you are afraid to be vulnerable, and you are afraid of commitment. It's so much easier being a loner, where you have NO accountability and no one to "push" you further than your comfort zone. You can comfortably stay trapped in your room, whining on the internet where it's safe.

 

I'm going to say the real issue here. It's not height. It's not God playing some sick game on you. It's simply that you are constantly avoiding the real issues at hand here.

 

There is something unhealthy with the way you think.

 

Until you fix that, you will never improve.

[Els]

I would say your overall negative, passive, self-defeating, dis-empowered attitude is a big reason why you aren't happy or able to attract the women you want. It doesn't mean if you changed that attitude you could attract whoever you wanted, but if you changed that attitude, you could change yourself, which is what is necessary to change your life. I think that's what people have said. And just last week women on a thread pointed to another potential issue you might have, in terms of your attitude (superficiality), that may be hindering you.

 

Yep, this. There is no 'magic answer' to this. Different women will have different requirements and preferences. However, the more 'negative' qualities you have, the more women you will close yourself off from. Eg. you're short, plenty of women are okay with that, but some aren't. Closed to those. Of the remainder, you lack confidence, so you're closed to those. Of the remainder, you're a 30-yr-old guy in college and hitting on 20-yr-old women, closed to those. Of the remainder, you're extremely superficial (I'm sorry, I still think you are personally, other women may not), closed to those. Of the remainder, you're rather negative and bitter... don't you see where I'm going?

 

So basically, you just keep making your pool smaller and smaller.

[somedude81]

I'm working on a long reply that addresses many posts. But now two have said that they think I come across as unlikable in person.

 

That is a very brazen statement to make. If you are going to say something like that you better have a way to back it up.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I said you don't come off here as likable and that I doubt you do irl. Why would you be a completely different person live than here? Especially when you tell us over and over about your lack of friends and girls? Your posting history speaks for itself.

[ThaWholigan]

I said you don't come off here as likable and that I doubt you do irl. Why would you be a completely different person live than here? Especially when you tell us over and over about your lack of friends and girls? Your posting history speaks for itself.

I personally believe that when one is concealing a certain level of bitterness or unhappiness, it usually has a way of manifesting itself in ones personality, even when we are not consciously aware of it. This idea of only being like that online is a tad disingenuous in my honest and humble opinion, as it shows a lack of self-awareness and perhaps a level of naivety in how one comes across.

 

Of course we should also make note that we are only speculating, but I don't think we are far off with regards to our analysis of Somedude's posts. I fear that it comes across as an attack which it is not, but trying to find ways to give him a boost.

[somedude81]

I said you don't come off here as likable and that I doubt you do irl. Why would you be a completely different person live than here? Especially when you tell us over and over about your lack of friends and girls? Your posting history speaks for itself.

Maybe because when I post on here I'm talking about things that I'm passionate about? Maybe because I post on here sitting at home thinking about how angry I am that I'm single?

 

Do you really think I talk about the things I do here with others in real life? How stupid do you think I am? LS is my only place to vent. I don't even talk about this stuff with my parents anymore. What you see here is me at my worst.

 

So yes I might as well be a different person live than here.

 

BTW, I have skyped a couple of times with a female member from here. No I won't disclose who. When I asked her if I come across as negative to her she said this.

 

"After Skyping with you, I must say, I don't get negativity from you at all.

Maybe if I was around you a lot, but in our interactions, nada. "

 

As for why I don't have friends. It's been a long time since I knew a guy that I wanted to be friends with. I also don't socialize with guys that much as I prefer the company of women. I can make friends with women VERY easily but it's not what I want. At this point I consider just being friends with women a failure so I don't pursue friendships with women.

 

Not being able to get a girlfriend is something entirely different.

Edited February 9, 2012 by somedude81

[Mme. Chaucer]

Because I think you may not come off as likable doesn't mean I think you're "stupid."

 

Generally, people reveal their personalities in writing similarly to how they do ftf. It's not just what you say. It's how you present who you are.

I think that most of us here on LS and on other online communities are able to get a pretty solid feel for who we are interacting with.

 

I'm happy that you have had skype experiences with a person who did not perceive you as negative and bitter. Maybe it's a step in the right direction.

[somedude81]

No, I think that you are calling me stupid for assuming that I act like and talk about the things I do here in person. I know much better than to complain to real people also I'm simply happier when I'm interacting with others, especially women. That doesn't apply to text.

 

I'd also like to point out that I'm not just negative on here but that may be what you focus on.

 

Why would having a Skype experience with somebody who didn't perceive me as negative and bitter be a step in any direction? I was simply being myself.

[jobaba]

Generally, people reveal their personalities in writing similarly to how they do ftf. It's not just what you say. It's how you present who you are.

I think that most of us here on LS and on other online communities are able to get a pretty solid feel for who we are interacting with.

 

Somewhat true...

 

I'm well aware that I come off unlikeable here because I voice all my dirty laundry and bitter opinions, most of which I withhold in real life. IRL, I'm one of the least detestable people you will ever come across (which is not to say I'm desirable). Just about nobody has ever talked trash about me at work, school, etc, etc in my life.

 

On the other hand, one of the most detestable guys at my last workplace had no trouble getting women. He was a cocky, rude, arrogant, potty mouthed bastard who was a classic one way conversationalist and he had three different girlfriends in the year I worked with him.

 

'Likeable' is subjective. I tend to think SD is probably an alright dude IRL. Lack of success in dating humbles you and humility is a quality I value deeply and wish more people would.

[Mme. Chaucer]

IRL, I'm one of the least detestable people you will ever come across

 

I don't perceive you as "detestable."

 

Somedude, you and a couple of other posters really come across as blaming the world. I assure you that it won't take a clairvoyant irl to get this vibe from you, no matter what comes out of your mouth. And, it's entirely within your control to change this and other things about YOU that are standing in your way. No, I am not saying that you will magically get a girlfriend when / if you make the changes. You will be happier. With or without a girlfriend.

[FredRutherford]

 

I haven't asked out a new girl since last May.

 

Since then until November I was chasing a dream. Once that failed, I needed time to recover and was going to start asking out girls when school started. At the end of January. Then I got sick

I'd say you need to get out more and try to meet more women.

 

Read how you focused on that girl, the one at the mall you were friendly with, then she gets cold feet and says a relationship with you wasn't something she's interested in.

I know that broke your heart, and I really felt for you.

 

You should have been asking out other girls too.

Though I was a "one man woman," in casual dating, when nothing's serious, a guy's gotta have other options.

Once you start dating a woman regularly, then limit yourself to her.

But in casual dating, don't limit who you can see.

 

Ask one girl out for Friday night, and have something else set-up for Saturday, even if that means attending a singles function or something where you could meet women.

On Sunday, try to go to one of the bigger churches, ones that might have singles groups or activities.

Or get involved in some social activity, like an art or cycling club or something that may have a lot of women involved.

 

From my personal experience it could pay dividends, SD.

Many of us met and dated women in singles groups. There are more single women out there going to such groups than you may imagine, SD.

Can't guarantee you'll find the love of your life there, but they're there and are "ripe for the pickings..."

 

BTW, I have skyped a couple of times with a female member from here. No I won't disclose who. When I asked her if I come across as negative to her she said this.

 

"After Skyping with you, I must say, I don't get negativity from you at all.

Maybe if I was around you a lot, but in our interactions, nada. "

 

As for why I don't have friends. It's been a long time since I knew a guy that I wanted to be friends with. I also don't socialize with guys that much as I prefer the company of women. I can make friends with women VERY easily but it's not what I want. At this point I consider just being friends with women a failure so I don't pursue friendships with women.

 

Not being able to get a girlfriend is something entirely different.

 

I was like SD in some ways in that I didn't have a lot of male (or female) friends either during my 20s.

Had some male friends from the past, and saw them occasionally, but for the most part, was a loner.

Moved around a lot changing cities and jobs, so that may not have helped.

And didn't have many friends during most of my marriage.

That's the kind of guy I am.

 

No problem there, and I certainly understand where SD is coming from, but people are right here in that making more friends of both sexes can help broaden your social circle and increase the chances of meeting someone you can date and enjoy a fulfilling relationship with.

 

Another good thing about friends, if they're good friends, they'll know of some of your troubles in dating.

 

A married female business acquaintance I knew socially from a woman I had dated a year or so, met with her at a business lunch she set-up.

 

As we knew each other outside of that business, from when I used to date her friend, I was comfortable telling her some things a guy wouldn't normally say to someone in a cold un-personal business situation.

Confided to her my frustrations with living in that city as @30, I couldn't find suitable women to date. They were either in their early 20s (I couldn't relate) or 40s/divorced/children, which didn't interest me.

 

She asked if I'd like to meet a friend of her's from the next city over.

"She's kind of shy, Fred, but you might want to meet her..."

That blind date she set up led to a LDR and marriage.

So those kinds of things CAN happen, SD. Don't discount the value of "networking" with friends and business colleagues.

 

 

 

SD, please take what people say to heart. They're not calling you names or anything.

You can change your ways and find some satisfaction in life.

Edited February 9, 2012 by FredRutherford

[Teknoe]

Do you really think I talk about the things I do here with others in real life? How stupid do you think I am?

 

Ironic question you ask there, because how stupid do you think WE are? Of course we know you aren't telling girls "Hey look at me. I lack confidence, I don't know how to flirt with girls, I hate being short and God is out to get me. I hate myself!"

 

I can't believe you seriously even think we think that about you.

 

That's part of the problem there. You refuse OR you can't see that even though you don't tell girls these things, it still seeps out in the way you carry yourself. No, girls can't read your mind. Of course not. But they can see and get a general gist of the kind of person you LIKELY are. If they sense any sort of negative trait that repels them, they will establish a distance from you for their own safety.

 

 

This idea of only being like that online is a tad disingenuous in my honest and humble opinion, as it shows a lack of self-awareness and perhaps a level of naivety in how one comes across.

 

Exactly, and this is my concern with SD81. It's bad enough that he thinks so negatively, but to add to that, he seems to lack self-awareness. Just look at his posts. They speak volumes.

 

For example, see this SD81 quote below...

 

As for why I don't have friends. It's been a long time since I knew a guy that I wanted to be friends with. I also don't socialize with guys that much as I prefer the company of women. I can make friends with women VERY easily but it's not what I want. At this point I consider just being friends with women a failure so I don't pursue friendships with women.

 

Not being able to get a girlfriend is something entirely different.

 

He can't connect the dots on how getting a girlfriend and making friends has ANY SORT of correlation. Maybe they're not EXTREMELY similar, but to say they're two COMPLETELY different things is a sign of some level of naivety. Making friends requires:

 

-social skills

-being vulnerable

-putting yourself out there

-trust

-learning to care for others' needs before your own

-listening skills

-being honest and open

 

I don't know how someone could claim making friends and getting a GF has ZERO similarities. To me that does show a certain level of naivety. A serious lack of perspective. Not everything is so black and white...

 

 

Lack of success in dating humbles you and humility is a quality I value deeply and wish more people would.

 

This is exactly it. But jobaba, ask yourself this. Is SD81 really a humble guy?

 

Let's examine the definition of humble:

 

HUMBLE: Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful.

 

Now let's compare SD's posting history to this word. Posters give him very legitimate suggestions on how to improve/increase his chances. What does he do most of the time?

 

"LOL no"

 

"Already did it. Didn't work, doesn't work, won't ever work"

 

"Not for me"

 

"You are being ridiculous for suggesting that"

 

That's pretty much what he says.

 

Also, when posters challenge him to do some introspection (i.e. me, Dust, Chaucer, etc.) notice how defensive he gets quickly. His most common retort is "Do you think I'm stupid and tell girls these things in real life??"

He often ignores the harder questions, avoiding it like the plague. What he does choose to respond to, he's very quick to defend himself rather than saying something like

 

"Hmmm, you know, to be honest I just don't know. It's something I'll have to look into deeper. Thanks for your suggestion/help."

 

HUMBLE: Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful.

 

I wouldn't call SD81 a "humble" guy (based on his post history). I have been telling him he needs to develop some humility (which means to consider legit options, rather than laughing it off)

 

After all, what he's been doing hasn't worked, has it?

 

A truly humble person in his shoes would say "OK, my way hasn't worked, so let me try people's suggestions and do things I normally would not do. After all, I can only go up from here."

 

I can't say for certain, but from his posts, I sense he's both prideful and moderately naive. Combined these aspects with his overwhelimingly perpetual negative attitude, he's in a VERY unhealthy place. If he doesn't change this, he will continue to be miserable.

[Badsingularity]

Somedude doesn't ask out women. If he stayed the same loserly way he is now but just started asking out women on a regular basis he would get a gf.

 

Somedude. The only way out of your situation is to FACE YOUR FEARS.

 

You need to get out and socialize more in the world. You need to face your fear of rejection and go out and get rejected. It sucks but you have to face it. That is how you become a stronger man. Facing your fears and conquering them gives you a deep inner strength and confidence in yourself that women find very attractive on a subconcious level.

 

When you do get rejected you should look at it as a triumph and a step foward. You should give yourself a pat on the back and realize that you just stared one of your greatest fears in the face and you didn't back down! You walked right through it..... your still alive and healthy... and this time you didn't back down from your fear. That is something to be proud of.

[Teknoe]

I'm working on a long reply that addresses many posts. But now two have said that they think I come across as unlikable in person.

 

 

Wondering whatever happened to the reply you were working on, and whether you will ever follow up to those posts addressing various issues you may have, as well as your thoughts on post #70 on this same page.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm so insecure. Why? Because I'm allowed to be.

[somedude81]

Wondering whatever happened to the reply you were working on, and whether you will ever follow up to those posts addressing various issues you may have, as well as your thoughts on post #70 on this same page.

Honestly, I put that aside because I kept seeing things on this forum that made me even more bitter.

 

Instead of focusing on how the game is really tipped in the favor of women I just thought I'd try to not notice it.

 

As for your post, you mentioned being able to connect the dots between friends and getting a girlfriend, but you completely missed the part where I said I can make female friends.

 

Then you talk about humble nonsense which isn't even worth my time.

 

Frankly, my biggest issue right now is that for some reason I'm still struggling with trying to get over D and it's starting to freak me out. I shouldn't be crying over a girl I haven't seen in three months. And we weren't in a relationship so I don't know why my feelings are still so strong.

[FredRutherford]

 

Frankly, my biggest issue right now is that for some reason I'm still struggling with trying to get over D and it's starting to freak me out.

 

I shouldn't be crying over a girl I haven't seen in three months.

 

And we weren't in a relationship so I don't know why my feelings are still so strong.

 

That's one reason you're striking-out.

You rarely get out of your comfort zone.

 

You admit you weren't in a relationship with her, but look how her "ending" it tore you to pieces.

 

 

And we weren't in a relationship so I don't know why my feelings are still so strong.

 

Frankly, you invested too much of your emotions into this "non-relationship."

 

Real men give themselves options, like I posted.

 

 

The reason I said you should be out pursing several women, it's for times like this.

So a gal breaks your heart or expresses disinterest in pursuing a relationship with you.

No biggie. You have something set up with Sally tomorrow night.

 

Not recommending you be a "player," but in casual dating, you can't focus on one woman, unless it becomes clear she wants to pursue a deeper relationship with you and you agree to date exclusively, which I know is what you want. I've been there, SD !!!

 

Notice, I said "pursuing," not dating. There's a difference.

It's financially and physically exhausting to try to be taking several women a week out on dates.

However, you can be making "small talk" and initiating relationships with women, all the while you're pursing the girl you tried hats on with at the mall.

 

Believe me, I felt your pain in that incident, SD.

Many a girl said no to my invitations...

 

You can get much closer to that kind of fulfilling relationship -- a serious, exclusive relationship -- by trying to meet more women.

In a job search, interview multiple companies, you score a better chance of landing a job offer. Same principle.

 

 

 

Honestly, I put that aside because I kept seeing things on this forum that made me even more bitter.

 

Instead of focusing on how the game is really tipped in the favor of women I just thought I'd try to not notice it.

 

Agree. Things do seem stacked in womens' favor.

They're the ones, for the most part, who control who gets to go out with them.

That's nothing you can change, though, but instead, in your conversations with them, look to find ways to find common things of interest and try to work in an invitation to a coffee or dinner date.

 

Here's another tip:

There are many insecure women, unconfident about their looks, sex appeal and ability to attract male interest.

You may look to those as asking one of those out may produce better results.

 

Like your ego is stroked when you get one to agree to go on a date, and then other dates, they likely feel good when a man expresses interest in dating them.

 

Not sayin' this to put-down women, but I think a lonely single guy in his 30s might just score some runs here if he focused on the "more attainable" women....

Edited February 16, 2012 by FredRutherford