somedude81 Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 and men aren’t? (Yeah it’s one of those threads) I’ve been wanting to make this thread for some time as I read threads and posts by male and female members alike. What I’ve become aware of, is that it doesn’t matter if a woman has no confidence or any self-esteem; she’d still be able to find relationships and/or sex and these are with men who aren't just using her. While for some reason, a man needs to be extremely confident and secure in himself or he’s only going to have palmela. There are several regular female posters that I won’t name, who are known for having self-esteem issues but they’re always in some sort of relationship or FWB thing. And I know, that without a shadow of a doubt, if these women had the misfortune of being men with their issues, they would die a virgin. In other words, the ONLY reason they’ve been able to date is because they are women. After reading the posts, it’s amazing what some guys will put up with and really try with the girl to make things work. But eventually the guys wake up and realize that they can do better, and dump her. Of course it won’t take her long to find a new guy. To me, that is the most unjust double standard in the dating game. So much is asked of for men it's ridiculous. And before anybody tells me that girls need to maintain their appearance. No, they don't. She'll always be able to find a decent guy who'll want to date her, unless she really lets herself go.
ditzchic Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 Everyone is insecure on some level about something. It's when the insecurity overshadows the rest of your personality, the person can't logically control their insecurities or it becomes blatantly obvious to everyone you meet that it becomes a problem. My guess as to why it's worse in the dating world for a man to be insecure as opposed to a woman would be what it always boils down to in the dating world, men are motivated by wanting to have sex with a girl first. Women are motivated by a man's overall "essence" first. It really doesn't work out to a girl's advantage because like you said, they always get dumped. Which leads to more heartbreak, which leads to more insecurity, which leads to more problems in dating. Pretty soon she is seeking approval from any male that moves, is getting pumped and dumped on a weekly basis and will probably eventually end up with massive therapy bills. Insecure guys should consider themselves lucky they can't get a date so they can avoid all that misery.
Author somedude81 Posted February 4, 2012 Author Posted February 4, 2012 Insecure guys should consider themselves lucky they can't get a date so they can avoid all that misery. What's funny about that is how guys are motivated like you said, by wanting to have sex with a girl. And once he does, tada, he's no longer insecure. I'd bet $1,000 that any of the lonely angry guys on this forum would be completely fine, if they could find a decent girl who would date and sleep with them for just a month. Humbly, I submit myself for the experiment. All in the name of science of course. I don't know if the level of insecurity actually maters. Some of the girls that I have in mind are about three times or more insecure as I am but they still can find a guy. I do agree with you that it really doesn't help the girls. Continuing to be dumped surely can't be a good thing and it's a sign that they need to work on themselves, or else it will just get worse. But many don't realize that when there is always a guy waiting with open arms. Why fix something when you don't know it's broken?
carhill Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 In the realm of cross-gender interpersonal relationships, who allows women to be insecure? There's your sign. ETA, this is exactly why a woman with few female friends chokes my canary.
Author somedude81 Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 In the realm of cross-gender interpersonal relationships, who allows women to be insecure? There's your sign. ETA, this is exactly why a woman with few female friends chokes my canary. That's one of those masturbation euphemisms right? Yeah, most men don't care if a woman is insecure, at least in the beginning. It's almost as if women are expected to be insecure.
Imajerk17 Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 And a woman's "market value" in the dating world is her looks. No matter how awesome her personality might be. So stop whining!
ditzchic Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 I'd bet $1,000 that any of the lonely angry guys on this forum would be completely fine, if they could find a decent girl who would date and sleep with them for just a month. Humbly, I submit myself for the experiment. All in the name of science of course. If you ever find yourself in PA, give me a call. I'll show you around town.
Author somedude81 Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 And a woman's "market value" in the dating world is her looks. No matter how awesome her personality might be. So stop whining! I already addressed that point. I know a few ugly and or overweight girls who have BF's. If those type of women never dated, I'd agree with you, but it's just not true.
kaylan Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 A few years ago my ex dated me even though I was super insecure and lacked confidence. Then again, her behavior caused those all that. Either way, Im glad things went the way they did because Ive learned to value myself. Also, Ive dealt with insecure female friends myself and coudlnt date one. Its really really draining just being friends with someone whos very insecure so dating an insecure girl whould just drain me.
Author somedude81 Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 If you ever find yourself in PA, give me a call. I'll show you around town. Sweet! SD81 is going to Panama for the summer.
ditzchic Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 Sweet! SD81 is going to Panama for the summer. Not Panama. Pennsylvania. You almost blew it again! hahaha
Author somedude81 Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 But I wanted to see the canal
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 There are plenty of insecure guys who are in relationships, too. Sure, confidence is regarded as one of the key features of the masculine gender stereotype. Confident people of whatever gender are rewarded a lot in our culture. Maybe it's more "acceptable" for a woman to be insecure than it is for a man, but anybody is "allowed" to be. And, conversely, anyone who allows themselves to languish as an insecure individual longterm is going to be missing out on a LOT, so it would behoove them to work on themselves to gain confidence. If you're an insecure guy or girl, work on it! You'll reap many rewards in ALL areas of your life.
ditzchic Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 But I wanted to see the canal That's what the last insecure guy I dated said...
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 OP, if you have a problem with gender stereotypes, then why are you constantly buying into them?
kaylan Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 ^I believe he buys into them because its easier to point fingers at things besides himself.
neowulf Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 ^I believe he buys into them because its easier to point fingers at things besides himself. +1 Somedude, I've been following your posts for a while now. As far as I can tell, the only thing standing in the way of finding a girlfriend is you. You've built up a massive network of negative "scripts" surrounding dating and women and they now appear to have reached a point where you can't overcome them on your own. My advice, seek professional help. Seriously. There's no shame in getting some help to overcome your destructive thinking patterns. The world is full of injustice and imbalance. In all things. You can rage against it as much as you like, but know this. The world doesn't care. It doesn't care of you don't like the rules. It doesn't care if it's unequal, or unjust. If you want to succeed, stop wasting energy fighting against the system and adapt to function within it. It's not a question of "ability". It's a question of self-awareness and a willingness to change. Wish you all the best man. You really do seem like a decent guy, who's just become trapped by his perceptions.
Negative Nancy Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 While for some reason, a man needs to be extremely confident and secure in himself or he’s only going to have palmela. The confidence requirement in men is the equivalent to "no fatties" in women. So stop pretending that it's only men who have to put in effort in the dating circus. I've already used the same comparison in another thread, just with regards to height in men, and you got all bent out of shape because weight is something a woman can change, and height is something a man can't do anything about. Since confidence is something that can be worked on, this time there really is no reason to be whiny because believe it or not, women DO have it just as hard.
Author somedude81 Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 That's what the last insecure guy I dated said... LOL, the same thing crossed my mind when I said it. There are plenty of insecure guys who are in relationships, too. Really? From what I've seen, the one thing all the forever alone guys have in common is that they are insecure. It just seems to be the universal woman repellant. So I can't imagine an insecure guy actually being in a relationship. Sure, confidence is regarded as one of the key features of the masculine gender stereotype. Confident people of whatever gender are rewarded a lot in our culture. Definitely. I think a confident woman is sexy. But in the grand scheme of things, I consider other things to be more important. Maybe it's more "acceptable" for a woman to be insecure than it is for a man, but anybody is "allowed" to be. And, conversely, anyone who allows themselves to languish as an insecure individual longterm is going to be missing out on a LOT, I meant allowed in the terms of being able to date and have sex etc. For most men, an insecure woman isn't a turn-off. Hell, a it might actually be turn on for men who either want to take advantage or be the white knight. so it would behoove them to work on themselves to gain confidence. If you're an insecure guy or girl, work on it! You'll reap many rewards in ALL areas of your life.I am trying. But it is very hard to just work on it. Even more difficult is when I'm not getting any positive feedback. I'd just love it if a woman gave me a blowjob patted me on my back and said "Good job, keep it up." OP, if you have a problem with gender stereotypes, then why are you constantly buying into them? Sorry, I don't fallow. Somedude, I've been following your posts for a while now. As far as I can tell, the only thing standing in the way of finding a girlfriend is you. You've built up a massive network of negative "scripts" surrounding dating and women and they now appear to have reached a point where you can't overcome them on your own. My advice, seek professional help. Seriously. There's no shame in getting some help to overcome your destructive thinking patterns. I've already done the therapy thing. I've seen about four therapists for about six months or more each. The results are obvious. The only thing I see standing in the way of finding a girlfriend is God. So I must become one who can slay God! Or maybe just try to get lucky. That might be easier. The world is full of injustice and imbalance. In all things. You can rage against it as much as you like, but know this. The world doesn't care. It doesn't care of you don't like the rules. It doesn't care if it's unequal, or unjust. If you want to succeed, stop wasting energy fighting against the system and adapt to function within it. It's not a question of "ability". It's a question of self-awareness and a willingness to change. Wish you all the best man. You really do seem like a decent guy, who's just become trapped by his perceptions. I know the world isn't fair. But that doesn't mean people aren't allowed to complain. Sometimes, just being heard and understood is enough.
carhill Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 I know the world isn't fair. But that doesn't mean people aren't allowed to complain. Sometimes, just being heard and understood is enough. Yeah, think of all those insecure women you've allowed to complain right into your ear. Think about that. You know, the ones you wanted to feel heard and understood. Choose differently.
Cypress25 Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 From what I've seen, the one thing all the forever alone guys have in common is that they are insecure. It just seems to be the universal woman repellant. So I can't imagine an insecure guy actually being in a relationship. Plenty of insecure guys date and have relationships. They have other qualities that are attractive to women. I meant allowed in the terms of being able to date and have sex etc. For most men, an insecure woman isn't a turn-off. So you're complaining because men have lower standards than women? If a man doesn't want to date an insecure woman, he doesn't have to. It's up to each individual person to decide what they want in a partner. If a man is willing to tolerate insecurity in a woman, that's his decision. There are plenty of men who won't tolerate it, and they only date confident women.
ThaWholigan Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 I don't quite understand the motive for this post. I recognize that there is something of a double standard there (only a slight one however). But really and truly, anyone is allowed to feel how they want, but you reap what you sow at the end of the day. I question the motive as it seems that you want to be given leeway to date despite your insecurity. I guess that would depend on a woman's tolerance for that kind of behavior in a man. Believe it or not, it does vary from time to time. But again, I know it's butting a brick wall, but I urge you to seek security from within somehow.
jobaba Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 and men aren’t? (Yeah it’s one of those threads) I’ve been wanting to make this thread for some time as I read threads and posts by male and female members alike. What I’ve become aware of, is that it doesn’t matter if a woman has no confidence or any self-esteem; she’d still be able to find relationships and/or sex and these are with men who aren't just using her. While for some reason, a man needs to be extremely confident and secure in himself or he’s only going to have palmela. There are several regular female posters that I won’t name, who are known for having self-esteem issues but they’re always in some sort of relationship or FWB thing. And I know, that without a shadow of a doubt, if these women had the misfortune of being men with their issues, they would die a virgin. In other words, the ONLY reason they’ve been able to date is because they are women. After reading the posts, it’s amazing what some guys will put up with and really try with the girl to make things work. But eventually the guys wake up and realize that they can do better, and dump her. Of course it won’t take her long to find a new guy. To me, that is the most unjust double standard in the dating game. So much is asked of for men it's ridiculous. And before anybody tells me that girls need to maintain their appearance. No, they don't. She'll always be able to find a decent guy who'll want to date her, unless she really lets herself go. Yea, I do agree with you. A lot of men have to deal with so many levels of self questioning. I'm not good looking, or confident, or funny, or buff, or well dressed, or smart, or educated enough to get A WOMAN, let alone one that has the characteristics they desire. Meanwhile for average looking women, it's more of just a matter of picking and choosing. They may look to improve themselves to help get a more desirable man or to KEEP a man, but they don't really need to have a lot of desirable attributes to have options. Once again, that's the way the game is. Once you realize life is unfair, you can begin taking the steps necessary to capitalize on opportunities. In the meantime, nothing wrong with a little whining.
betterdeal Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 (edited) But what is the main effect of insecurity if not inaction? Confident people aren't sure everything will go according to plan; they are sure they can handle it when it doesn't go to plan. That's all that confidence is. I agree that there's more expectation for men to be confident, and less sympathy when they aren't, but we do get to piss standing up and we don't have periods, so there's benefits to being a fella too. Edited February 5, 2012 by betterdeal
bac Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 According to your standards of choosing a GF, you are the most secure man in the USA. You are looking for only a nice girl 19-22 y.o and you are not willing to accept anything else.
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