over.

[Leigh 87]

Help.

 

 

I am so in love with a guy that I know is not as into me, as I am to him. He was once, but not anymore.

 

 

Tonight: we have not seen each other in days. This is a long time for us.

 

He is around the corner, he watched a soccer game. He told me to get ready, as he was going to come over after.

 

You would think that he missed me, after days of not seeing me. Furthermore, I have a terrible home life; I hate my parents, and have no friends or any one that I can talk to.

 

He knows I am in a bad way, and have been sick in bed, lonley and upset. After the soccer game, he has gone out drinking with random people, instead of going to see me.

 

 

 

He was really attached to me at one point in our relationship. When he went away on a month long trip, he msged me good morning and goodnight. He was really really in love with me, so in love with me as he always told me.

 

 

 

I am absolutely devastated, that he would rather go and drink with random people, rather then go and see his girlfriend, who is not feeling the best and has had a ****ty day at home.

 

If he missed m e that much, why has he chosen to go and drink with people, rather then seeing me?

 

 

 

I am crying, I am SO hurt. Things have been rocky since the time when he was really really in love and things were great, however, he has said many times that he still loves me, and wants to stay with me and work things out.

 

He has never once said otherwise.

 

 

I am sooooo scared and upset, thinking of life without him. We were very close, we slept together every night, and hugged each other very very tightly. We were honestly like one person.

 

 

WIthout him, it just feels so surreal. We were just very much each others loves for a period.

 

 

 

Please help me start the healing process. I feel sick and heartbroken. His phone is never charged as usual, so I cannot call him. Last I heard, he called me from a pay phone, and it cut out. So I know the soccer game has finished, and he has gone drinking without me.

 

 

Last thing he said, before hte phone cut out, was " come out with me" . I said : I do not have my ID"

 

Then it cut out. SHEESH - even without my ID, why the heck would he NOT want to come and see his girlfriend, who he claims to love?

 

 

 

before, he would call me beautiful most nights before he slept. He would say : goodnight my beautiful girl" or " my gorgeous girl" Almost every night.

 

 

Obviously, he does not feel the same way, as he has stopped doing these things, and I knwo he is not as in love with me as before. I thought he had it in him to love me that way again.

 

 

Obviously not.

 

 

I have to make improvements to myself, sure - without the issues I cause, we are blissfully happy. So it is me too.

 

I just thought he would still love me enough to miss me after not seeing me in days. .... To want to see me badly.. not go out drinking instead of seeing me.

 

 

 

He will be here later, he has no wher to stay in this town and weill deff come to sleep here. I will be nice to him, told him his actions hurt me, and that I really need the person I love, to love me as much as I love them.

 

 

Come to think of it, I have not felt chemistry from him in months. I have not felt a him desiring me sexually, and lovingly, apart from sex a few times. He has not wanted to rip my clothes off or anything such thing.

 

 

 

 

I wish he had that love and admiration, and in turn, that speical desire to want me, body and soul again. He had it once.

 

 

I am shattered and am so scared about life without him. He is my best friend, regardless of if we are lovers. Without him I have no one.

 

 

I know that I need to cultivate a social life and get meaningful friends in it. I know. I will do so. It is just hard, knowing my life, the guy I have hugged to tightly every night, the guy who I was so so in love with.. will not be part of my life.

 

 

 

Should be see each other again after this? OUR care level and love is deff too big to just never see one another again...

 

 

I do not trust him either. He would be out flirting with others.

 

Yeah. I think we are done.

 

I will update when he arrives later. If he does. He might find some girls house to go back to.

 

 

Before I trusted him 100%. In fact, during the time he was madly in love with me, he rang me when he was out without me, saying : babe, it is not the same without u, I feel guilter even talking to hot girls, because I am so in love with u"

 

 

 

Oh well. Better to have loved and have lost, then to never have loved they say.....

 

I wanna puke.

 

 

 

 

 

UPDATE.

 

I just went out looking for him, around town. The last thing I heard, easlier on, from a pay phone ( his phone is dead) was " hey leigh come out with me"

 

 

It cut out.

 

 

I am crying sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

 

I have not seen him in days

 

he KNOWS I have been sick and down.

 

 

And yet, he has chosen to go out and drink without me

 

.. when he said before, he wants me to go out with him.

 

 

Like a silly idiot, I got ready, showered, and waited for him to come get me.

 

 

He never showed uyp.

 

F*CKKKKKKKKKKK...

 

I just went and looked for him, no where, prob missed him mind u, I did not look hard.,

 

 

 

I LOVED this guy. he was everything to me. We were so in love at one pooint.

 

 

I spent a year sleeping in bed hugging.

 

I am so so so so devastated.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You have to really take a step back and ask yourself why you think you're "in love" with this guy. It's always frustrating reading these types of posts because they're so common for women and I would say the majority of women go through, and I think to myself why they have such little self-respect, self-worth that they would allow themselves to be put through it.

 

This guy clearly isn't into, in fact you're officially a side thing where he goes to you when it is convenient for him and then he plays it cool like he doesn't know what's going on. He does! Us guys always know! we know what we're doing to you, we know when we aren't in love with you and never will be.

 

Do you really think that just because a guy lays with you in bed and tells you how beautiful you are that he really is in love with you? or just because he tells you so? How can you be that naive?

 

A man will show you through his actions not his words, being in-love for a man is what allows him to do the things that he would normally not be able to. So whenever a guy say's..."I just can't feel that way or I don't know how to or what happened" that is a man's way of saying, move on...however I'm going to use you up until you decide that you're done with it....then I'll just move on and tell you how great of a person you are and that you don't deserve him in your life anyway. Notice a pattern here yet? because If you don't I can assure you that you're going to hear many different stories with different words from men If you think they are love with you over such minor things.

 

Now what's actually important because I know you'll be like a fly on one of those sticky strips and think the world of the douche bag for who knows how long...but you need to work on your self. If someone asks you what you're "worth" based on what you've shown you're worth about five measly bucks...and you know who's fault that is? not theirs...yours. Men are only going to treat you with the respect you demand, not what you deserve. There is no such thing, because in general people will always take much more than they give if they can get away with it...it is the general selfishness of man, especially if it "feels good" for them, and even If it's not their intention.

 

It's your responsibility to save yourself from these experiences, it is yourself that is weak that allows you to be vulnerable with men or these kind of men who will pretend to be more into than they are. IF you don't work on yourself then you have yourself to blame, because you can't change the world but you can change yourself.

 

Sorry to be so hard on you, but you are NOT in love with this guy...you are in love with the idea of this guy. The sooner you realize that, the better it will be for you and that will allow to move on, If this is what you feel you deserve then you'll keep putting yourself through this and shed and endless amount of tears. Just remember, that whatever you lose and give to a man can't be taken back...so I hope for your sake and the future man that will TRULY love you, that you don't invest your emotions and heart to such a worthless piece of crap that is in your life now. If you have any appreciation for yourself and your future partner.

[ditzchic]

You have to really take a step back and ask yourself why you think you're "in love" with this guy. It's always frustrating reading these types of posts because they're so common for women and I would say the majority of women go through, and I think to myself why they have such little self-respect, self-worth that they would allow themselves to be put through it.

 

This guy clearly isn't into, in fact you're officially a side thing where he goes to you when it is convenient for him and then he plays it cool like he doesn't know what's going on. He does! Us guys always know! we know what we're doing to you, we know when we aren't in love with you and never will be.

 

Do you really think that just because a guy lays with you in bed and tells you how beautiful you are that he really is in love with you? or just because he tells you so? How can you be that naive?

 

A man will show you through his actions not his words, being in-love for a man is what allows him to do the things that he would normally not be able to. So whenever a guy say's..."I just can't feel that way or I don't know how to or what happened" that is a man's way of saying, move on...however I'm going to use you up until you decide that you're done with it....then I'll just move on and tell you how great of a person you are and that you don't deserve him in your life anyway. Notice a pattern here yet? because If you don't I can assure you that you're going to hear many different stories with different words from men If you think they are love with you over such minor things.

 

Now what's actually important because I know you'll be like a fly on one of those sticky strips and think the world of the douche bag for who knows how long...but you need to work on your self. If someone asks you what you're "worth" based on what you've shown you're worth about five measly bucks...and you know who's fault that is? not theirs...yours. Men are only going to treat you with the respect you demand, not what you deserve. There is no such thing, because in general people will always take much more than they give if they can get away with it...it is the general selfishness of man, especially if it "feels good" for them, and even If it's not their intention.

 

It's your responsibility to save yourself from these experiences, it is yourself that is weak that allows you to be vulnerable with men or these kind of men who will pretend to be more into than they are. IF you don't work on yourself then you have yourself to blame, because you can't change the world but you can change yourself.

 

Sorry to be so hard on you, but you are NOT in love with this guy...you are in love with the idea of this guy. The sooner you realize that, the better it will be for you and that will allow to move on, If this is what you feel you deserve then you'll keep putting yourself through this and shed and endless amount of tears. Just remember, that whatever you lose and give to a man can't be taken back...so I hope for your sake and the future man that will TRULY love you, that you don't invest your emotions and heart to such a worthless piece of crap that is in your life now. If you have any appreciation for yourself and your future partner.

 

Wow. Harsh. But this really hit home for me and I'm sure many other women as well.

 

I think you just changed my life....

[Mme. Chaucer]

Leigh, I'm concerned about you. From your many recent threads, I have gotten the feeling that you know your relationship is not what it once was, and actually may be over. It seems like you've been trying very hard to convince yourself that if you can just "perfect" yourself, the love you feel will overcome everything and you and Andrew will be together the way you want to be.

 

I want to caution you against taking it all on yourself and thinking about how to make yourself "perfect" enough.

 

That is related to anorexic thinking patterns.

 

On the other hand, you are right. You will never be able to have a healthy relationship that will sustain over time until you grow more, become a more complete and rounded individual, and have a fulfilling life of your own.

 

Do you even have ONE woman friend you can call and talk to, go out for a movie or dinner or something like that?

[veggirl]

Leigh, I'm very confused.

 

Are you actually broken up? Or you just think you will break up because he didn't come over when you are sick?

 

Your relationship with Andrew is really concerning. It's very obviously waaaay too co-dependent (at least on your end), and it's not right how you romanticize that. It's just not healthy.

 

Hugging and holding each other while you sleep...you mention this in every post as though it is proof you have an amazing relationship. All it means is you are cuddley sleepers. That's it.

 

You HAVE to take a step back. You have to calm down. You need to objectively take a look at this relationship. I'm worried it is much more harmful than helpful to you. You THRIVE on being the lost girl that he "saved". That's not good. You need to get yourself into a place where you don't NEED saving. There is a power dynamic in this relationship that is beyond unhealthy. Andrew has complete control over you and your emotions.

 

Read Ninjas post over and over, he is so on the money.

 

Please don't tell us we don't understand. We do--this is an unhealthy relationship.

[veggirl]

Leigh, I hope I don't sound like I am blaming you. I honestly think that your BF is taking advantage of a very broken and damaged girl and that he knows what he is doing.

 

You may have come leaps and bounds from where you used to be, but you still aren't really healthy yet. You need more time to yourself, no relationships.

 

You want a relationship sooo bad. Your entire life IS this relationship. That's so bad!

 

If you are ever to the point where you are sick and find yourself driving around town hunting down your BF....just....leave him.

[joeyanna]

Wow. Harsh. But this really hit home for me and I'm sure many other women as well.

 

I think you just changed my life....

I totally agree, it has really made me examine how I have allowed myself to be treated by men in the past and that I should have a lot more self respect. How can we expect men to respect us if we don't respect ourselves!!!

 

Thanks Ninja

[turt]

Do you know why you're falling apart? Do you ever go out and do anything with him?

[Andy_K]

Summary:

 

Honeymoon phase is over but Leigh still needs 24/7 attention.

 

Guy goes out to watch a football game, is having a great time, and decides he'd like his gf to come out with him rather than go to see her. He calls put phone cuts out partway though the message.

 

Gf is in hysterics and fears the end of the relationship.

[FitChick]

Men are only going to treat you with the respect you demand, not what you deserve.

 

Excellent advice. You should make that your signature line to remind women. Wish I had known about this twenty years ago instead of taking forever to figure it out myself. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and money in useless therapy!

[Eve]

Wow.. although I love my Husband, I am quite taken with the almost obsessive passion of your post OP. I do think that you are investing a dangerously serious amount of emotion into this episode and it's not good.

 

Please, find someone to talk to in real life TOMORROW.

 

Can't believe you went looking for him..

Hope Andy's assessment is near the mark but really you do need to calm down a bit. You have my maternal instincts tingling like crazy to protect you from harm. Seriously, this is not the manner in which to deal with the male species.

 

You need to find an older, non whorish female to talk to about these matters as a matter of emergency before you get ****ed up ..

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Leigh 87]

It was a misunderstanding.

 

 

He called me, said come out plz " then the phone cut out, and the last thing I said was :"no" . I had been in bed with a mouth infection, so he prob figured I could not come.

 

 

He wanted me to come out with his friend and his fririends g.f, but thought I said no. His phone cut out, dead.

 

 

Dw, he DID love me. Trust me. I know what we had.

 

 

I told him when he came, that it has been a while since he has shown he he wants me.. u know, kissed mey body a lot, gown down on me, etc.... that I no longer felt as beautiful and like he wanted me badly.

 

 

This only served to frustrate him; he said that he had not slet for 24ours, was tired, and really wanted to hug and be close to me.... He didnot want to have to prove to me the things I doubted, because he feels it, and does not feel the need to have to tell me?

 

 

 

We ended upbreaking up.

 

look - we have/had a very special thing. We are each others favurite ppl to hang out with. We are immature, fun, and want the same things in life.

 

 

However, it is NOT healthy, to argue a lot. We both want us to work, but know we need time off. After everything we had, we both know we will be together.

 

SORRY that I jumped the gin, with tihs thread assuming he had just gone out drinking. He said he was going to come and pick me up right away, but I said " no" before the phone cut out, and he therefore assumed I did not want to come.

 

 

Dw about if he is being genuine, I know himand the situaion, and no lies are being said. He really wanted to go out partying with me, actually. It is FRUSTRATING he never charges his bl00dy phone, so we cannot always make clear plans, and misunerstandings occur.

[Leigh 87]

GUYS...

 

 

The time some of u have taken to guve me advice, has been heartening. I truly apreciate it:)!

 

 

However.. PLEASe... U DO NOT KNOW if this guy loves me, if I love him... It is one of these things, that only the TWO OF US know.

 

 

We DO love each other; it isjust a little lost. That is what it feels like.

 

 

Hugging in bed everynight, meant very much to both of us. He tellsme all the time.

 

Trust me. We were very, very close. Neither of us are erady to forget about us. At all.

 

 

Yes, I will take some time to myself; I will learn to like and respect myself more. I doubt him and I are fnished for good.

 

 

We planned a future together,and I think that with time apart, while I make the necessary changes to myself, I just know we will be together.

 

I love him, it is real love, believe me.

[Leigh 87]

When I am around him, opposed to other friends I have had, my world lights up. Everything feels right when I am arond him. Just walking down the street with him, being around him, makes me so very happy.

 

 

I already know I need to work on loving myself; I KNOW WHY I do not love myself optimally.. I had a mental illness, which has left me with no friends virtually...of course, I need to build confidence up, and I know ho to do this. I just have to do it. easier said than done but I DO know what I need to do, and the elements of my life I need to fix.

[Leigh 87]

Look, I am going to give us a chance. Don;t ask me why, but since the moment we talked online, both of us felt a weird vibration, a strange sensation.

 

 

We know we should be together, for this par tof our lives. Je did nothing wrong last night - I missed him, had not seen him in days, and thought he had gone out and partied, instead of seeing me; in actual fact, he wanted me to go out with him on a double date, but I said no, and that is when his phone cut out.

 

 

 

Sleeping together hugging, does not make us cuddly sleepers. It is just too much to possible atriculate on here. Neither of us want to let what we had go..

 

 

Hey - what is the worst that can happen - we wille nd up as friends. At least we are goingto try for something wonderful.

 

 

The feeligs are there. We have the same life goals. I believe, that one I MYSELF am healthy enough to be in this relationship, that in turn. WE will be healthy, in a erlationship.

 

 

It will not take me too long to feel better about myself. Give me a few weeks making friends, working out every day, and feeling great about myself.

 

I am positive and optimistic about things. At the worst, I will come out of this fit, healthy, looking and feelng really sexy and confident... with or without him.

 

I just so happen to think, we will find a new found happines between us. My instinct, and my gut, just tells me we will indeed be happy together.

[Leigh 87]

Excuse my spelling and grammar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I can spell, I just was rushing.

 

 

 

ANdrew is the most fun person I could think to have, to be around by the way.

 

 

If I keep at a distance, and only see him one weekends, what is the harm in just trying to fix things?

 

 

I am not going to see him during the week; before, we lived together, every day.

 

 

he brings out the best in me. I do realize I saved myself. I had to WANT to get better, from my eating disorder. He just has values I admire - such as placing emphasis on personality.

 

 

 

This relationships is only toxic, because I was mentally ill, and have not yet learnt to like mysself. NOT loving oneself, means ANY relationship will turn toxic.

 

I do not believe the relationship is toxic, without my imput. If I ain confidence, and get healthy, I cannot see anything wrong with us two.

 

 

OF COURSE - in the process of fixing myself, and becong a happy and healthy individual, we MAY VERY WELL grow apart. I just doubt it.

 

 

We became one person, we just knew we were right. NOW, it is time for me to take a step back, and fix myself. Before i cam be close to others. I know we will be together, in some way, after.

 

 

Honestly - We will have something specal, be it friend or romantic. We both have a very ... strange, and deap love for one another.

[kaylan]

How old are you two?

[Leigh 87]

25.

 

 

Nothing is wrong with all this- we loved each other a great deal, and neither of us are ready to let it go.

 

Potentially, he has a lot of " passion" towwards me, romantically... We just have not been alright, in the relationship, for him to activate his desire towards me.

 

 

 

I just do notl ike myself - a common thing amoungst young adults, who do nto feel good about themselves, for a variety of reasons. I know, that when I am confident and feel good about myself, I become a better sort of person to be around; in turn, this makes my boyfriend want me truly.

 

 

The paradox is: Andrew loves me, and is passionate about me, when I am myself. A good version of myself. Where as, when I lose confidence, and start to not LIKE myself AT ALL... it SHOWS.

 

A girl who has zero self esteem, and does not like themselves enough, these girls come accorss BADLY.

 

 

Andrew loves me the same as always he says, and we DO have great sex. It is just the INTENSE desires, where u want to rip each others clothes off, has dissipated a lot, due to the way I act.

 

It is a big deal, I have found, in a relationship; u MUST learn to be confident, to a certain extent, in YOURSELf, before a guy can feel very very intensively towards you.....

 

 

All I have to do, is to be myself; Andrew loves who I am, how I act, what I am like, etc........... I just need to have more confidence, so that I do not pick fights and get upset over little things. It is hard to explain, the things girls do, when they are NOT happy within themselves,

[Mme. Chaucer]

Just keep in mind that "honeymoon stages" don't last forever in 99% of relationships no matter what.

 

I know it's the right thing for you to do to work on yourself and that when you make progress there, you will bring a lot more to all your relationships. I think it's a very good thing for you to do.

 

But I'm disturbed that you seem obsessed with the idea that once you "fix" yourself, Andrew will be wanting to rip your clothes off of you. I think you are putting unhealthy, unrealistic expectations on yourself. Working on oneself is a very long term thing and it's not simply "done."

 

Relationships are very complex, but one thing for sure - the dynamics in them are never just attributable to one person. Both of you play a part in how you relate to each other.

 

It would be really healthy for you if you were able to separate your thinking about what you need to do for yourself to get yourself ready to have a fulfilling life from the "results" you are hoping to get from it with Andrew.

[Dust]

You can't take it so personaly when a guy goes out drinking. You can't do everything with your gf and it doesn't mean he'd rather be with them then you just because he spent time doing something with out you.

 

You are very hard on yourself and others. Just relax a little and work on getting the basics down so you don't feel so overwhelmed. The basics will help get rid of your overwhelming feelings.

 

A pretty basic thing would be having a place to live where you feel safe. If your parents always bother you then time to find your own place. It will help a lot.

[dispatch3d]

Alright, can we just chill a bit on the feelings. Wholy cow. I think you need to pick up a new hobby or something, like tv or something. You're way too into this guy, just my opinion....

[Leigh 87]

Things are great now.

 

He dos want to rip my clothes off - he says that after one year together, there are other elements to the relationship, besides the passionate stage. He really likes having me to have fun with, in general, rather than always have to rip my clothes off.

 

 

Furthermore, I have been mentally not well, and therefore what he has BEEn through, and the fighting weh ave had, has of coruse, killed the spark at time,s between us.

 

It seams after we talk about everything and are able to both communicate everything effectively, that we go back to knowing that we are in love and happy together.

 

 

I got very very close to this person, and so it scared me. He is just as into me, by the way - He told me that he wants me to love him s much as I can love a person: he also said he wants to be everything to me, and me to him.

 

 

HOwever, we are both big advocates of having our own lives, outside of the relationship; this is something we both agree I should do more, and he is proud of me for getting in touch with old friends, and starting this process.

 

 

THings will efinately be okay, as long as I do not be lazy and start to make the most out of who I am.. I have what it takes to live a full and happy life, I just fell into unhealthy patterns ( hiding at home, no friends or muich of a life, lived togetger with my boyfriend asnd only had each other for months, etc).

 

He also lost contact with friends during this period. We just became lazy, which is silly, considering we are avid learners in life, and absolutely love to get ou tthere and do things.

 

I won;t explain our whole predicament, I will only say that we are both working full time ( him), and I am doing certificates and qualifications which will lead to work in the next week or so.

 

We would both be just as devastated without each other. Hence why we are both so happy that things have worked out.