bread crumbs being fed, and i ate them

[maryslamb]

Some of you may remember my story. I took a break from Loveshack because after the b/u I felt that I had to fully get myself together. And at one point I thought I was healing well enough to let loveshack go for a bit.

 

My last post I stated that I had taken a postion aboard an entertainment vessel. And it was something great that happened from the b/u. Well I'm still home, and have just completed the past of the paperwork, and should have a departure date soon. Which I'm estactic about. .I didn't realize the process was so long. And I was hoping to be away starting a new life, and wouldn't have to think about the b/u . And heal from ex. Well I haven't.

 

After 3 whole months of n/c I finally hear from the ex. Which was 10 days ago. When he texted me my whole body started shaking. But let me clarify, just days before I heard from the ex I was still having melt downs so I wasn't completely healed. He texted and I responded. Did about an hour of texting of getting caught up . Then boom. Didn't hear from him for a few hours. Automatically I'm already anxious, so I text and asked when can I see you? Kind of got the run around for a few texts. I'm thinking ok, well now? A few text where he's stalling and finally gives in. I go to see him which is great. We talked a bit and watched a few basketball games. Well after several hours he stated he's about to run and errand and it was nice seeing me! What???????????.. instantly I start balling. I'm wondering why did you aree for me to come if I won't be able to lay with you? (We lived together for a year) my heart just dropped. After me pleading and begging to stay he stuck by his guns.

When I got home he called and stated he didn't want anything to happen, and to take it slow. And see where everything goes. So I felt at ease.

 

Few days later, I wanted to see him and asked if I could come over, and he agreed. Well it was like everything was back to normal before the b/u I was cooking, cleaning, running errnads for the household. I had his car and was going back and forth to work. I thought everything was great. In total I stayed 9 days. I didn't realize it was a problem considering he never really said anything to the point of me over staying my welcome. Also, my insecurities came into play, because I knew he was talking to several women. And I knew if I was to leave then he would call one of them to come over and lay in my very spot. That I once layed in for a year.

 

Well after the 9th day he took me home. I didn't cry and I was fine with leaving. Realizing I stayed a little to long. A few days later I thought it would be a good opportunity to bring up the b/u and where we stand with each other.

 

This is where I'm confused. He states that he wanted to take it slow. And date. And I stayed to long. He's not looking for any thing serious at the moment. Just date. I understand that, but what I'm confused about is why contact me? He stated he contacted me because he missed me.. but I missed him as well and didn't contact him. He said during the b/u he needed space, and that's what I gave him. If you aren't looking for anything other than dating why did you contact me? I've been hurting for 3 long months, and as soon as the wound started to heal, I opened it back up.

 

Well the conversation went on for 30 minutes of me balling my eyes out. Telling him how much I love him and that I want to be with him. His response was pretty much passive.

 

I texted him to see if we are cool and he said yea

 

Now I'm left once again feeling like the first week. In pain

 

I called one of my g/f because I feel so ashed of crying to all these people in the beginning only to go back to cring to them 3 months later. My friend stated my problem if that I'm to weak. I cry and cry and cry and it comes off as me being a doormat. But I love this manso I don't know ow to be strong when it comes to him.

 

Secondly he said I made myself to available. I should have left the first night. But I thought we were getting back in tune with each other. Enjoying each other presence.

 

Was I in the wrong for anything?

Edited February 3, 2012 by maryslamb

[M2155]

You haven't spoken for 3 months, exchange some texts, hang out once and then you spend 9 days with him? Yes you need to slow it down.

He has the right idea and you are blowing it. Go on a date- a couple hours max and keep your normal life outside of that where it's not all about him. Share your emotions with a freind or with us, but don't put it on him because right now he is not your boyfriend. Stop expecting him to behave like one.

 

You don't want to go back into "everything was back to normal like before the b/u" because "everything was back to normal like before the b/u" didn't work out. He missed you. Let him work for it a little and have fun "winning you back" instead of getting needy or moving too fast. You're getting ahead and he isn't there yet. It's nice that he missed you, stop being anxious and just enjoy the moment.

[twinkles]

Mary,

 

The problem here is that you are reverting back to your old ways. Right now you are starting over at the dating stage you are not back into your old relationship...he wants to take things slow.

 

You must stop cleaning, cooking, running errands etc. immediately. You are a date not his mother. If you stay over you leave the next day and you do not make the bed or wash any dishes from the night before. You do nothing. Just give him a kiss goodbye and tell him you'll see him soon.

 

Let him be the one who calls to see you. Do not persue him. Yes you are making yourself too available and if you do this you could end up being a friends with benefits. Be really careful here. If he starts to see you as such you won't have a chance.

 

It also would be worth it if you took sex off the table that way you know if he wants you or just the sex.

Go slow don't stay over night and don't give yourself too easily.

[Philosoraptor]

There are many things here. I agree that you jumped into things too quickly. The thing that you have to remember is that the last relationship failed. If you go into the same thing again the odds are you will find that same result. Restarting a relationship means starting fresh. You have been apart and growing as individuals, so you need to take the time to get to know one another from scratch. No matter how much you think you know about this person, they are different now. You need to date as if they are a new person, because they could have changed in so many ways and it would be unfair to hold them to any standards that the previous relationship may have held. He could have been scared off because things were too familiar and that relationship ended.

 

There is also the negative possibility that he wanted a refresh of you and had intentions to leave from the start. Hopefully that is not the case, but many who do not take the time to properly heal go that route. Hopefully he has healed and has been working on himself.