I have no title Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 I am just wondering...If a guy is ocasionally cheating on his gf, but is quite young (19-20 yrs old), is there a possibility that he will ever grow up and never cheat anymore? Or if a guy is capable of cheating he will always cheat, no matter what his age is ? I've always thought that young guys tend to cheat cause they want to explore, they have gigs and are immature...does it change with years? Stories and reflections are very much appreciated.
coltsfan1 Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Cheating is a horrible act at any age & by any gender!! But to your question I am living proof that a young "player" is absolutely able to change. That's the only good news though. I went through many a lady with no disregard for their feelings, and hurt more than my fair share of hearts. It took my best friend passing and me getting clean to grow out of it. Everything I have read on LS about reflecting on yourself, taking the time to truly change, and then being a better person is true, or atleast in my case. I lost a wonderful lady that was my high school sweetheart, chose to allow someone to walk on me so I can say I have been on both side now. The only thing I desire on is a lady to share my life with. I hope this helps.
Sugarkane Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 From my experience alot don't change. it usually takes something really bad to happen to someone, in order for them to even think about them changing.
USMCHokie Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 Once a cheater, always a cheater, male or female.
carhill Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 IMO, depends upon consequences. Most people change for themselves, generally when what they're doing isn't working or causes them to be shunned by society or imprisoned if it is criminal. If the behaviors of the young man are validated and he suffers few or no consequences, it's very likely the behaviors will become ingrained in his psyche, almost as a reflex. It's pretty easy to 'explore' as a young man; it's called being single.
Leigh 87 Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 LOL, I love t carhill! " it's called being SINGLE". LOL............ No sh*t though..... I mean, surely that should be very obvious, to guys with a conscious, that if they want to explore, they should not have girlfriends? DUH? I am sure some of them simply feel it is the right thing to do, to get a girlfriend, due to their surroundings, cultural and social influences. They discover after they become attached, that it is not feasible for them. Instead of breaking up, they might love the girl, or feel afraid to break up with them, and go and do their exploring they need. it is not honerable, to go cheat; of coure, they shuold tell their girlfriend first. I really believe people can change:) When I was vry young, about 17 ( I am 25 now), I was mentally not with it. I had this boyfriend, who smoked a lot of pot. We lived in different states, I lived on an island of fthe coast of AUstralia.... I cheated on him, - I met him, then he went back to his state, and we could not see each other for many nmonths at a time. I was 17, it was my first serious relationship, and I had no idea who I was. I also had psychological issues. Fast forward yars later, I am 15, and I have changed immensely. I was damaged back when i cheated, in those circumstances.......... I was 17, and before my boyfriend, I let about 20 guys f*ck me, I HAD NO RESPECT for myself. I respect myself now. I did not respect myself, or my body, back then. DO NOT say that at 17, if u cheat, that u will be THAT SAME PERSON your WHOLE LIFE. DO NOT EVEN TRY to say that all 17 year olds, are the f*cking SAME, their WHOLE lives. SERIOUSLY? Now days, I am such a loyal girlfriend. I love my current boyfriend, and only ever think of him. He is the only guy I want. I absolutely would never cheat. Ever. If I gt to the point where i wanted other men I WOULD TELL HIM. Please. A person who cheats when they are a teen, is not some big cheater when they reach adulthood. SOME people CHANGE. I AM NOT the person i was at 17!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it is SOOOOO small minded of peole to assume people DO NOT change......... talk to me in 10 years, when I have not once cheated.
stitch702 Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 Nope. I have never cheated and never will. I've always had a good head on my shoulders and I know that if someone cheated on me, it would devastate me. Every serious relationship that I have been in, I have deeply cared for and respected that girl so I would rather break up with her then cheat on her. I have to agree though, people do change. If they experience a negative consequence to their cheating ways and truly learn from their actions then I'm pretty sure they will change.
coltsfan1 Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 From my experience alot don't change. it usually takes something really bad to happen to someone, in order for them to even think about them changing. Sugarkane, this is what I was referring to in myself. Some life changing things happened in my life that forced me to take a hard PAINFUL look at myself, That is why/how I changed. Once a cheater, always a cheater, male or female. totally untrue, although I will give you that if a person does cheat they obviously have it in them. Myself included.... A short coming in a persons character that THEY have to battle and win. IMO, depends upon consequences. Most people change for themselves, generally when what they're doing isn't working or causes them to be shunned by society or imprisoned if it is criminal. totally correct! But carhill I must ask, when something isn't working should a person not change? May it be a persons career, lifestyle, or religion. I mean no harm in posing this question but it almost reads like said change is bad in your comment. (not able to hear voice tone or body language through text obviously...)
carhill Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 An interesting experience would be to read history regarding the violent founding of the United States and where the people who founded it came from and how they changed when something wasn't working for them in the societies extant at that time. Others, faced with the same circumstances, continued on as they were, unchanged. One can apply similar criteria to monogamy and polyamory. If, as a monogamist, I existed in a polyamorous society and was shunned for not conforming, I would be faced with either changing my behavior to conform, accepting the shunning for my monogamous perspective, or leaving. An example might be, if the women in this hypothetical society generally believed that they should enjoy multiple lovers, they would feel unfairly limited by my boundary of one partner, so would shun me for social relations of the romantic/sexual type. Of course, they also could enjoy my company and 'cheat' to satisfy their polamorous desires. That would be another choice. Likewise, I could choose to embrace polyamory, changing myself to 'fit in', or maintain my boundary and accept their shunning and live isolated, or leave. Considering the amounts of people (statistically) who participate in both open and hidden infidelity, one would think our society to be pretty polyamorous. Society takes over for parents at some point in the molding of the individual mind, as much as we each like to think we're autonomous. So, asking the question about 'isn't working' and 'should a person not change' can be a double-edged sword of sorts. It fits right in with the old adage: 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'. That came from somewhere. I had the unique chance to examine this dynamic close up, with the benefit of psychological help, and found, clearly, during the latest iteration, to have 'regressed' in the totality of mature emotional behavior, back to a less mature, less aware, less responsible era, essentially 'changing' to 'fit in' with the dynamic which existed back then. It was as if time was suspended. The lesson was being able to clearly see and accept those behaviors and perspectives for what they were; immature and regressive. IMO, that's how people grow, through clarifying and examining their life journey with a critical eye. They hypothetical young man in the OP has barely begun that journey. His destination is unknown. It's entirely possible he'll never examine his life with a critical eye, or he might do it tomorrow. If what he does (cheating) works for him, he may never change. He might. OP, when in doubt, look at relationship and family history. If there's a lot of cheating in his background, the path is there. It's hard to ignore. I gave a lot of benefit of the doubt as a young (and not so young) person. Big mistake. See with clearer eyes. Good luck.
PelicanPete Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 In my experience, once a cheater, always a cheater. I see cheating kind of like smoking. There are some people that are just completely against it and the thought of even having a cigarette is just appalling. Then there are the kind of people that are a bit more curious and decide to one day give it a try. They may hate it, find it disgusting, and decide not to do it again. Then again, they may try it and decide that it's not as bad as they thought. Regardless of how the person felt about it, it shows that they contain the capacity to do it in the first place, compared to the other person that would never do something like that. A coworker of mine has recently quit smoking, but even though now that neither of us smoke, we still have different ideas towards it. When I see a cigarette, I have no feeling what so ever to try one. While when my coworker sees a cigarette, he makes a choice not to have one.
shayla Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 It depends on when in your life you cheat....if you are 20 and cheat, you could grow up. But if you are 60 and you've been cheating your whole life, then no. In that case, that will never change.
Ajax Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 (edited) It depends on when in your life you cheat....if you are 20 and cheat, you could grow up. But if you are 60 and you've been cheating your whole life, then no. In that case, that will never change. I can see your point. But here's another hypothetical, that I'm sure has happened in the course of history: What if you're monogamous for almost your entire life. Never cheat on a girlfriend. Get married at thirty and stay faithful, but then for whatever reason stray when you're sixty? What if that first time cheating is when you're sixty? Does that make you always a cheater? Personally, I think people can change. But the knife cuts both ways. People can change for the better or for the worse. Cheaters can become faithfully committed, and monogamous partners can fall to darker temptations. I can't say I'd never be with someone who's cheated. I probably would never know about it, since I don't tend to ask point blank if my partner's ever cheated on anyone. I can ask how they feel about infidelity, and get an idea, but I don't think you can ever know for sure. I think this is one of those questions people will be pondering forever. Edited February 4, 2012 by Ajax
Dark Phoenix Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 Everyone here cheats, so to say once a cheater always a cheater isnt necessarily true. Whether it be physical cheating, emotional cheating or cheating yourself, we all have done it. Just the emotionally responsible people admit to it. Its how you learn in life to look before you leap by actually leaping. We can have this long debate that "Oh I would never cheat physically or emotionally" but that in itself is a story. You can't predict the future or fight the human nature tendancy to scratch an itch.
Author I have no title Posted February 4, 2012 Author Posted February 4, 2012 Its so interesting to read your opinions guys..for instance from my experience, I can tell that I do beleive that cheaters only change when their cheating has some harsh consequences for them. I don't beleive that people change on their own without a reason. I don't beleive they wake up one morning and say "oh, cheating is not nice, im not gonna do it anymore".. I am saying this because I have been dating a guy who has cheated on me numerous times. I only found out about all the cheating when we broke up. This happened 1.5 years ago. Well, when we were together I asked him whether he cheated on his previous gfs, and he said "yes"..Even though I knew he was capable of cheating, I beleived he changed for me - and that wasn't the case..Well now he has been dating another girl for another 1.5 year, and is cheating on her too - so I really don't beleive that anything will make him change until he will suffer hard from it...unfortunately... But its long over for me now, I was just curious to hear some stories from you guys, cause I just find myself in an environment where nearly every guy is cheating on his gf....That's why I was curious, because if 90% of men in the age of 19-22 are cheating, then my hopes of finding a loyal bf are slowly fading...I do hope though that most of those 19-22 year old cheaters grow up at some point and don't do that anymore....let's hope!
Ajax Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 But its long over for me now, I was just curious to hear some stories from you guys, cause I just find myself in an environment where nearly every guy is cheating on his gf....That's why I was curious, because if 90% of men in the age of 19-22 are cheating, then my hopes of finding a loyal bf are slowly fading...I do hope though that most of those 19-22 year old cheaters grow up at some point and don't do that anymore....let's hope! This is interesting to me as well. I don't believe that 90% of men in that age range are cheaters, but do see how that environment can exist and influence your opinions. My environment is the opposite. I come from a family where to my knowledge there has never been any infidelity. My parents have been married for 31 years. All of my grandparents were married for over 50, with no signs of straying. I have never cheated on a girlfriend. And in my group of friends it's a non-issue. That's not to say I've never seen it. Heck, I've been cheated on and I've had women leave me for someone else. I've seen how infidelity has affected people. But I don't see it all around me. It's not part of my makeup, and I think because of that I have a bit of a romantic and idealistic philosophy of relationships. Contrast that with my current girlfriend's philosophies. She's lived in the environment in which monogamy has been the exception, not the norm. Her mother is on her fourth marriage. We've had issues over the fact that I have female friends. She's trying to overcome it, but from her experience men and women cannot be friends because they will invariably cause them to cheat on their partners. It's a very cynical philosophy, but understandable based on her experiences and environment. But we are working towards reconciling our conflicting philosophies. It isn't easy. So yes, it may be environmental to a certain degree. But we shouldn't ignore a simple truth: people who cheat choose to cheat. For some it may be an addiction. It may be difficult to overcome, but it is a conscious decision. Someone who has cheated in the past can choose not to cheat in the future. Just as someone without any history of infidelity can one day make a choice to cheat.
CarrieT Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 Once a cheater, always a cheater, male or female. Totally disagree. A lot of people - men and women - do things in their youth and learn from their mistakes... I was a young cheater and was also cheated on. Having been on both ends of the stick, I would never do it to another person again. Ever. People DO change and their perspectives in life and what is important to them change.
Damia Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 Good question! My xH cheated multiple times in our 18 yr M. It's 16 mths from separation an he is still with his AP ,she never lets him out of her sight, he never goes out with just his mates any more and if they are out together she is always within touching distance !usually constantly touching him. I'm watching with interest to see if this tactic keeps him faithful My Experience has been once a cheater always a cheater !
Star Gazer Posted February 5, 2012 Posted February 5, 2012 Totally disagree. A lot of people - men and women - do things in their youth and learn from their mistakes... People DO change and their perspectives in life and what is important to them change. Exactly. ...
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