Lilmisus Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for five months now, since the end of August. A few weeks ago, we hit a rough spot, broke up, but we worked it out the next day. We've been working on any/all issues that arise, and we're keeping communication very much open as opposed to how it was before we broke up. But, I need advice on what to do about a girl (we'll call her Rose) who he hooked up with this past summer who is messaging him all of a sudden. Back in the beginning of August, I made plans with my good friend to go to the beach then go to a coworker's party. That morning, she sent me a text saying she hadn't slept at all that night because she was trying to be there for her friend "Rose" who was crying and having a fight with her roommate. I told her that she could invite Rose along, and she said that she told her that, but that Rose just wanted to stay at the house with my friend, cut her hair, and watch movies with their kids. Strike 1 against Rose. I asked her if she and I would still go to our coworker's party since we promised her we'd go, and she was looking forward to us going. She said that they'd see but Rose really didn't want to go. Instead, that night, they went to our job to eat, and a few of our coworkers were wondering why we bailed on our other coworker. Who was their server? My (soon to be) boyfriend. Rose was interested in him, and asked our friend for his number. That night, they were hanging out at Rose's house with a few others, and Rose wanted our friend to invite my boyfriend over, and to ask him to bring alcohol. He did of course, and while there, him and Rose hooked up. Strike 2 against Rose. They talked for a few days, but apparently that night, Rose showed signs of being "crazy" to my boyfriend. This included crying, telling him to stop during sex because it hurt, telling him her life story, and saying that she felt a connection with him. He was just looking for a hookup so he didn't like this. For the next few days, he went into "super clingy" on her to push her away, and would text/call her constantly, and hooked up with her one more time. While with our friend, I asked her about them, and she said she'd text Rose asking what was going on between them. Rose said that they hadn't had sex, but they had had oral. She also confided in our friend that she had chlamydia, and that's why she definitely would not have sex with him. She made my friend swear she wouldn't since she was swearing that oral was as far as it would go. I didn't find out till my boyfriend told me later that that promise was a lie. I was the one that told him at the end of September that she had an STD, and he freaked out. Strike 3 against Rose. They haven't talked since that week (more like four days apparently). He doesn't have her number any more, and I know for a fact that they haven't messaged one another at all. Him and I are both clean thank God, but the fact that we could have gotten something from her pisses both of us off. But, a few weeks ago, she randomly started messaging him again. It started off as a simple "Hey" message while he was with me (he showed me that they hadn't talked before that), which he ignored. Then she started commenting on random things of his on Facebook. I told him that I wasn't going to lie, that I really don't want him talking to her, which he said he understood and that I didn't have to worry about. A week or so ago, she apparently messaged him again asking him to bring her food to her job since she was hungry. He basically said that "his girlfriend" wouldn't like that, and that he wouldn't do that. She said okay, that she didn't need anymore girlfriend drama since one girl wants to beat her ass. He told me that that night. Right after he told me that, she messaged him again (while with me) asking him to bring her food to her house, that she wasn't kidding. She said she had no one else to ask and her son was asleep; he didn't even have to see her, just drop the food off at the door and leave. He said to prevent me from beating his ass, that he was leaving that conversation. She said she'd never message him again "dear." He reassured me of this and I said thank you to him. Of course, the next day she messaged him again telling him about a place to get his tattoo done at. Have they talked since? I don't know, I haven't asked, and I'm hoping if she does message him again, he'll tell me (again). What should I do here? I seriously want to just kick this girls ass, and have wanted to since this summer when I found out about the chlamydia. I'm not going to though, but I am thinking of asking my boyfriend to delete her. I've been trying to be more okay with him talking to other girls, and I'm afraid this is one step back from that goal, but is it? Or is this within my "girlfriend rights" to ask him to not communicate with a former hookup?
FitChick Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Rose has a kid and chlamydia so obviously she doesn't believe men should wear condoms. Unless your boyfriend wants a disease or a kid, he should avoid her at all costs.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Oh, the drama. It sounds like you have a very unhealthy work environment. Issues such as this have been consistent since you and this guy got together. When you broke up a few weeks ago, it was because he "wasn't ready" for a real relationship, right? He has never been ready and he still isn't, according to your posting history about your relationship. FYI, this: For the next few days, he went into "super clingy" on her to push her away, and would text/call her constantly, and hooked up with her one more time. Is ridiculous. I can't believe he told you that - I can't believe YOU bought it, and I can't believe you're posting it here. Guys don't go "super clingy" on purpose to push a girl away. No, no, no. Nor do they sleep with a girl again in order to push a girl away. All they need to do is IGNORE the girl, block her number, and never speak to her again. I hope you go back to school, find a different place to work with a better quality of people, and GET RID OF THIS LOSER.
gaius Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Is ridiculous. I can't believe he told you that - I can't believe YOU bought it, and I can't believe you're posting it here. Guys don't go "super clingy" on purpose to push a girl away. No, no, no. Nor do they sleep with a girl again in order to push a girl away. All they need to do is IGNORE the girl, block her number, and never speak to her again. I hope you go back to school, find a different place to work with a better quality of people, and GET RID OF THIS LOSER. I wrote a whole big post saying this and Mme beat me to it. He's not taking the easy steps to truly get rid of her despite his promises, so you really only have two options. Get used to it or reiterate your demands with a threat of breakup, and follow through if he doesn't stick to his word. Up to you.
veggirl Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 Lil, this guy has had huge...boundary issues, if you will, since you started dating him! He acts like he needs flirting with other girls the same way other people need air to breathe. He isn't doing anything to discourage Rose, which is no surprise given his history. And blaming it on you "my girlfriend would be mad" is a) disrespectful to YOU and b)done on purpose so that Rose doesn't know HE is not interested. Why doesn't he delete her on Facebook? Why doesn't he tell her NOT to contact him? WHY do you put up with this guy and his freakin harem of hangers on that he is happy to keep around?!
silvermercy Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 (edited) 1. Way too much drama for such a new relationship. 2. I don't believe the super-clingy excuse either. Guys just... don't do that. They do the exact opposite. So, it was probably just an excuse to use her again for more sex as he saw a vulnerable person there; someone who thinks that sleeping with a man like that will secure him to her. In other words, he acted like a "player". That's a great character flaw for a boyfriend... 2. He sounds half-assed in stopping communication. Sorry. He should be initiating the whole "no contact" procedure (blocking calls, deleting her online etc) if he was serious about it. Also, if she's such a stalker (well, she must be) why doesn't he get a restraining order against her? She sounds mental. But he won't because he likes the attention. Edited February 4, 2012 by silvermercy
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 Really, if HE doesn't want to hear from "Rose" anymore, it won't be difficult for HIM to put an end to it. Simple. Obviously, that's not on the program. But it's not up to you. I really hate it when people use their SO as an excuse, too. He won't go over there because YOU will beat his butt? How about he won't go over there because he knows it's not the thing for him to do - that it would be wrong. I hope you won't disappear from this thread. Can you not see that this is the EXACT same behavior as this silly immature deadbeat dad boyfriend of yours exhibits with his inappropriate flirting and touching other girls, and leaving it up to you to be the "enforcer"? PLEASE cut your losses. I know you know it's all a mess, or you would not share the stuff you do.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 4, 2012 Author Posted February 4, 2012 Really, if HE doesn't want to hear from "Rose" anymore, it won't be difficult for HIM to put an end to it. Simple. Obviously, that's not on the program. But it's not up to you. I really hate it when people use their SO as an excuse, too. He won't go over there because YOU will beat his butt? How about he won't go over there because he knows it's not the thing for him to do - that it would be wrong. I hope you won't disappear from this thread. Can you not see that this is the EXACT same behavior as this silly immature deadbeat dad boyfriend of yours exhibits with his inappropriate flirting and touching other girls, and leaving it up to you to be the "enforcer"? PLEASE cut your losses. I know you know it's all a mess, or you would not share the stuff you do. The thing about my boyfriend, is that he's not the type of person to put his foot down like that. It's not just with girls, it's in most aspects of his life, and it's really annoying. I see it at work, with his family life, with his friends, and with the girls he communicates with. So I know his issues that I can't stand with girls aren't just about the girls - it's about him. I'm taking a philosophy class at the moment though, and I've been trying to tell him what I've been learning, and been telling him flat at that the way that he phrases things, just aren't right. Say...him not wanting to get his butt beat, you're right, him not going shouldn't be a selfish reason like "my girlfriend will hurt me" it should be "I shouldn't go, so I won't" and I told him that. I also told him that I don't want to hear that his reasons for not straying aren't because he only has eyes for me (which he's said) it's because straying is wrong to do, and it shouldn't be put up with. I'm learning about Immanuel Kant right now so I'm mixing it up with my relationship But I'd like to point out that...yes, there are issues in my relationship, but do I feel these issues are enough to end it? No. The issues I post on here are all the issues we have in the relationship, and they're ones we're working on day by day, conversation by conversation. If you look at how I was with my LAST relationship...that one was a mess that I should have walked away from on day one. I posted non stop about him, and basically begged for reassurance that I should stay with him. This is not the same as that, and I believe - I know - that this is a better relationship. I feel loved, cared about, and happy 90% of the time, the other 10% of the time, he hears about it, and we work it out. Yes, my boyfriend has issues that he's admitted to that deal with other girls (no, he doesn't touch other girls, another girl put her head on his shoulder and gently touched him)...he admits to them, not just to me, but our friends, and surprisingly, he's incredibly better than he used to be, according to exes of his. Will he ever let other girls go completely? If we have a future together, then yes, he will. If he doesn't, I'm not going to tie myself to him. I'm sure y'all will call me an idiot, but I'm happy, and I'm not ready to cut my losses when improvements are being made daily within our relationship. I'm just hoping that these improvements don't stop. If they do...then yes, I will leave the relationship, and I'll be the first to say that I was wrong.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 4, 2012 Author Posted February 4, 2012 1. Way too much drama for such a new relationship. 2. I don't believe the super-clingy excuse either. Guys just... don't do that. They do the exact opposite. So, it was probably just an excuse to use her again for more sex as he saw a vulnerable person there; someone who thinks that sleeping with a man like that will secure him to her. In other words, he acted like a "player". That's a great character flaw for a boyfriend... 2. He sounds half-assed in stopping communication. Sorry. He should be initiating the whole "no contact" procedure (blocking calls, deleting her online etc) if he was serious about it. Also, if she's such a stalker (well, she must be) why doesn't he get a restraining order against her? She sounds mental. But he won't because he likes the attention. 1.) Agreed. 2.) Rose complained to our friend that he wouldn't stop calling/texting her, and pushed being her boyfriend on day three after getting together. They hooked up the first two nights. She told him night one she couldn't stand guys like this. Our friend told me that Rose was getting sick of it, and was thinking about ending it because he seemed crazy, and she didn't want another clingy guy. She ended it with him, and I at first thought that my boyfriend was super clingy. Wasn't until a month later when I asked him about it (and we were together), that he told me that he was an a**hole, and chose to end it. I told him that I heard she ended it, and he said that when he found out that she was crazy like that and she couldn't stand clinginess that he decided to go into overdrive so that he didn't have to do the hard work and end it with her, since she was our friend's friend and didn't want to seem like an a**hole to either of them. Of course...he was an ass for the move he made, and I told him that. So yes, I do think that that's the truth...three stories matched up to what he was saying. 3.) She's not badgering him to the point he needs a restraining order. She's just messaging him on Facebook. Delete/block is as far as it needs to go, and after talking to a few girl friends about it, I'm leaning towards telling him to do so, because I don't like him keeping contact with her.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 You really shouldn't even have been aware of her first "hey" text, and it should have been the ONLY text before he got rid of her forever. You are accepting unacceptable behavior by saying that the way he avoids responsibility is "just the way he is." Lil, things like that cannot be "worked through." He has not learned how to be a grown up man, yet he has a child. He is not going to grow up or change into a different person because you threaten him, discuss with him or share your philosophy lessons. Is he 12 years old? Sounds like it. But I'm very happy to hear you are taking that class! Keep up the good work at school!
betterdeal Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 (edited) The thing about my boyfriend, is that he's not the type of person to put his foot down like that. It's not just with girls, it's in most aspects of his life, and it's really annoying. I see it at work, with his family life, with his friends, and with the girls he communicates with. So I know his issues that I can't stand with girls aren't just about the girls - it's about him. A friend to everyone is a good friend to no-one. But why get upset? This is a golden opportunity to have some fun yourself. Get yourself some more boy friends who you'd X Y Z with if only your boyfriend wouldn't kick you ass if you did and hey presto! you have parity. He's going to be fine with that because it's just the way you are, right? Edited February 4, 2012 by betterdeal
2sunny Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 I'd bet money he's been communicating with her all along . His approach and lack of boundary isn't something that's easy to change - especially if he likes it that way - it seems to work for him. If you don't dig it - which I wouldn't blame you - rethink being in the R with someone so stunted emotionally. His dishonesty alone would be enough for me to cut him loose.
zengirl Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 (edited) He lacks boundaries. You cannot give him that. He lacks maturity. You cannot teach him that. You shouldn't even be involved in this; you're shifting all the blame to Rose (who yes, is invading a bit), but the blame is his too. If he wanted to, he could've gotten rid of her easily, before this was an issue, and he didn't. Everything else, as MC says, is just making excuses. Edited February 4, 2012 by zengirl
HappyFlower Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 but apparently that night, Rose showed signs of being "crazy" to my boyfriend. This included crying, telling him to stop during sex because it hurt, Sorry, I got as far as that and got annoyed. If I guy I was seeing said an ex was "crazy" because she said sex hurt, I'd leave. Its difficult enough for a woman who finds sex painful to admit it, whether she knows the reason or not, but then get ridiculed for it? Erugh. Perhaps he should have thought about asking her why it hurt. I had an ex that had no boundaries, and it won't change. You will be the one left wondering what he's doing and with whom, while he is out flirting with girls knowing that you'll accept it beause thats 'just the way he is'. Like everyone else said, you're allowing him to do this to you.
phineas Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 Next time someone says women don't chase jerks or a-holes i'm going to refer them to this thread as a prime example.
kaylan Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 Sorry, I got as far as that and got annoyed. If I guy I was seeing said an ex was "crazy" because she said sex hurt, I'd leave. Its difficult enough for a woman who finds sex painful to admit it, whether she knows the reason or not, but then get ridiculed for it? Erugh. Perhaps he should have thought about asking her why it hurt. I had an ex that had no boundaries, and it won't change. You will be the one left wondering what he's doing and with whom, while he is out flirting with girls knowing that you'll accept it beause thats 'just the way he is'. Like everyone else said, you're allowing him to do this to you. I agree with this. How the hell is a girl "crazy" because the sex was painful? Ive been with a couple of girls where the sex hurt them some. Either she hadnt have sex in a while and was getting back into the swing of things, or we had a size difference down south since I tend to go for petite gals. Either way I was understanding and tried to make it as enoyable as I could for the woman I was with. Also a guy wont associate with a woman he finds to be "crazy". And he certainly wont act "super clingy" as a way to get rid of them. A guy would simply bail and ignore them, or he'd be straight up and tell them he isnt feeling it. In all honesty I think he was acting clingy because he actually liked her or was just trying to keep her around for sex. That or hes lying about her being "crazy" and his "super clingly" tactics. I would tread lightly OP and keep my eyes open. You do need to be firm and tell him he needs to assert himself with this gal by telling her once and for all to buzz off. If he cannot do that then I would be lead to believe that he wants her attention. If he can do that then continue are you were and enjoy yourselves.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 I know, what kind of a douche would tell his "girlfriend" that a girl he'd had sex with was "crazy" because she said that sex hurt? WHO DOES THAT? And then you, OP, use that against the girl? The message given there was not about "Rose" at all. It was about what sad example of a man you are wasting your time with right now. In your several threads about this guy, you have painted him to ALL of us as a real lowlife. Are you aware of it? You haven't said ONE complementary thing about him besides you two are a cute couple, maybe he is "sweet" and you "love" him. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF?
2sunny Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 I'd bet money he's telling her YOU are crazy too. He's playing two women. You may need to get tested for stds again!
veggirl Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 Lil, this is all very frustrating to continue reading. You are the Queen of making excuses for this Grade A JERK. I really hate it when people use their SO as an excuse, too. He won't go over there because YOU will beat his butt? How about he won't go over there because he knows it's not the thing for him to do - that it would be wrong. PLEASE cut your losses. I know you know it's all a mess, or you would not share the stuff you do. Mme C is 100% correct, in everything she has posted in this thread. My BF once told me I could use him as an excuse to give someone (actually it was a girl friend) when I didn't want to go out with her one night. I thought that was nice of him, but weird, cause I'm an adult and can say NO without lying or giving fake excuses. Why can't your BF again? Just cause he doesn't like to or it's uncomfortable? Yeah it is for ALL of us, sometimes. But us grown ups do it anyway. The thing about my boyfriend, is that he's not the type of person to put his foot down like that. It's not just with girls, it's in most aspects of his life, and it's really annoying. I see it at work, with his family life, with his friends, and with the girls he communicates with. So I know his issues that I can't stand with girls aren't just about the girls - it's about him. ..... But I'd like to point out that...yes, there are issues in my relationship, but do I feel these issues are enough to end it? No. The issues I post on here are all the issues we have in the relationship, and they're ones we're working on day by day, conversation by conversation. If you look at how I was with my LAST relationship...that one was a mess that I should have walked away from on day one. I posted non stop about him, and basically begged for reassurance that I should stay with him. This is not the same as that, and I believe - I know - that this is a better relationship. I feel loved, cared about, and happy 90% of the time, . OMG, LIL! YES these issues should be enough to end this relationship! It's not a small disagreement or small difference in opinion, it's a HUGE, GIANT RED FLAG. You have only been dating 5 mos, this is way too soon for all this junk! 90% good isn't enough! What would happen if you told him CUT the contact with other girls, TELL THEM not to contact you, etc or you WALK? Would he do it? Does he even give a crap about you? He knows this bothers you. But he still does it and still allows it and still ENCOURAGES it. What does that tell you?
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 What would happen if you told him CUT the contact with other girls, TELL THEM not to contact you, etc or you WALK? Would he do it? Does he even give a crap about you? He knows this bothers you. But he still does it and still allows it and still ENCOURAGES it. What does that tell you? And … would you walk? Is there any character weakness that is bad enough to make you walk? I truly hope so. I'm a little sorry to be harshing on you so hard, but it really gets under my skin to see an evidently intelligent young woman throw herself under the bus just to have some kind of half-assed "boyfriend" kind of thing going on. Lil, on a forum filled with miserable depictions of poor examples of boyfriends and girlfriends - yours is one of the worst.
Recommended Posts