zerovandez Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 If you care to look at my previous threads, you will now that I was let go from a 10 year relationship, oh, about 2 years ago. about 7 months after the relationship, I was fine. On P90X, focused on my golf game, focused on work, and focused on continuing education for work. So about the year mark comes in, and she introduces herself back into my life. So for almost a year now, we've been chatting, hanging out, and yes, even sexual intercourse. But I always sensed that she was being a little stand offish, not AS interested, and most or all of the time, selfish. But I let things continue on like an idiot that I am. We've talked about feelings for each other and they're mutual. We're still in love with each other but, she's not ready to start anything. Yet when we hang out, it's as if we're actually B/F G/F?! Yeah, you can imagine how confused I am. So fast forward to present time, she loses her temp job and almost goes completely silent with me. It feels like she's "leaving" that life behind and moving on but not coming forward to say anything about it. She's really not one to speak her feelings much but body language says it all. I'm feeling that 1) She's not interested 2)she's truly trying to move on 3)she's into someone else (she's attractive) 4)she's lost it for me. To help your advice giving, one of her best friends is now single, and found her own apartment. Her other best friend is also single and has "lived" her life but is ready to settle. So great women of LS, what do you think she's thinking and what do I do?
cerridwen Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Life moves and people move with it. If she's not "flowing" in a direction to be with you, she's flowing away. I believe it's this latter thing that it happening based on what you've written, Z. But if you're interested in establishing more, say so. If you're in love with her and want her, tell her. Forget mind reading. If this is meaningful to you, risk making that known. She will either say yes or say no. Either way, there is your answer.
Author zerovandez Posted February 3, 2012 Author Posted February 3, 2012 I've told her I love her and she has replied with the same. We hung out a day or 2 ago and she said to me that we will find our way to each other again, but she needs time. I've given her so much time and space. I have not felt like I've smothered her at all. I feel as if she has the upper hand now and I'm trying to flip the script just not sure how. Maybe I just need to start moving on as well. Maybe I'm chasing something that will never happen. Thanks for your input, Cerridwen. You're right, I'll just have to take the risk and let it all out to her.
KathyM Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 I'd say she's thinking someone better might come along eventually, and she's leaving her options open just in case that happens. She doesn't want to lose you, just in case that "better" person doesn't materialize. She has feelings for you, but she's keeping her options open.
perfectlyflawed459 Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 I agree with the other posters. I think she is keeping you as an option just in case someone better does not come around. Honestly, if you can profess your undying love to her and she still will not commit to you fully, then she is just not that into you. Sure she may have "feelings" for you, but they sure as hell are not very strong ones. I am sorry if I am coming off a little blunt, but I do not think it is fair to to you to subject yourself as an option and hope that she comes around eventually. You absolutlely do NOT deserve to be second, third, or a later choice and you are setting yourself up for a very painful road by sticking around as her option. We all deserve to be first choice to someone and I hope you have enough respect for yourself to pull yourself away from this potentially toxic situation.
cerridwen Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 I've told her I love her and she has replied with the same. We hung out a day or 2 ago and she said to me that we will find our way to each other again, but she needs time. I've given her so much time and space. Mm. Hm. Well, I don't know about you but I'm trying to maximize this lifetime. Waiting around, wishing and hoping for a person to pick me, runs contrary to my larger goal of living fully. What about you? Perhaps in the "time and space" given, you can think about if being made to sit on the bench is what you want. Because You. Are the prize. A big prize. Don't relegate yourself to being one of those ratty-looking stiff carnival snakes they give out to the losers who can't win the game. You're the big stuffed teddy bear at the county fair! Work toward realizing that, Z. I have not felt like I've smothered her at all. I feel as if she has the upper hand now and I'm trying to flip the script just not sure how. Maybe I just need to start moving on as well. Maybe I'm chasing something that will never happen. Thanks for your input, Cerridwen. You're right, I'll just have to take the risk and let it all out to her. I never advise playing games (flipping the script, upper hand kind of thinking) because in the end, the situation always follows the course it would have anyway. I was once involved with a highly manipulative person. We met at a time I was highly suggestible. He was successful at altering my life for awhile. But I eventually righted it and on my way I went. So, while you may get what you want for a time through game-playing, it's artificial. Why not go organic? Much healthier. Best to you.
2sunny Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Stop needing her Stop waiting for her to decide Stop seeing her Stop communicating Since she hasn't made it clear YOU are her priority - she's looking around! She's not nice - in the way you deserve! Her selfishness is clear - why would you want to settle for a blatantly selfish woman? Life is too short to have to cater to someone's selfish needs - only to get nothing in return. Go out with others... Get busy living! Don't communicate with her... And never settle for THAT!
geegirl Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 "All of the time, selfish." There is no room for values that build a healthy relationship such as empathy, compassion, compromise when one is selfish. I couldn't find anything of substance in what you have with this woman. It's not even a matter of a woman's point of view. Never treat someone like a priority when you are just an option. And from your post, it looks like the investment is very one-sided. It's not a relationship. Who cares if you feel like bf/gf when you hang out. That's grasping for straws. Other than make believe, you have an absolutely empty existence with someone who consistently shows you she can't fully invest emotionally and mentally in you. If your instincts are ringing bells, most likely what you feel is your reality. You're just too afraid to let go. You can settle. You can ask questions that you yourself already know the answers to. At the end of the day, you probably know that this relationship is at the end of its rope. Either she cuts you loose until she finds a softer cushion to fall on, or you realize that you deserve far more than someone that continually keeps you as an option.
esteem-jam Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Me remembers Bob Marley - Waiting in Vain. I agree with what posters above have said. And one poster here has a good quote about moving on, if you see Kamila's signature, its for you ;p
Author zerovandez Posted February 4, 2012 Author Posted February 4, 2012 I guess I just hate to face the ugly truth, she's just not that into me. I just thought for a good minute that we could've been something. Silly of me...
Author zerovandez Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) So it's been about week since we've contacted each other. I had dinner with her last week and asked why she kept on coming back and leaving. Her response? Because I miss you, why do you let me do this to you then? My response was that I love her unconditionally. She replied by saying she know's but she's not ready for anything serious and I understand. She also expressed that she's "not opposed" to dating. That really crushed me. I was really lost for words and hurt. I didn't break down or anything but she could sense my feelings. Well, by the end of the night, I told her that if space to date is what she wants and needs, then that's what she'll get as I'm second to none and staying in contact would only put me in that position all over again. I verbally told her that I will move on and wished her luck. I damn near broke down when I shut her car door. So my birthday is coming around on March 3, and her's on March 5. I will see her this weekend at a mutual friends gathering this weekend as well. I'm not counting on seeing or hearing from her on our birthdays but the gathering is what I'm confused about. I know I should do the mature thing and show up as there's friends I haven't seen in a long while. I know she will be there with a cheery, upbeat, and positive attitude as if she didn't care about the situtation we have (she's done it before). In the past, I was able to brush it aside but I think I'm more hurt this time around. Do I say hello or ask how she is doing? Do I carry on a convo with her if she engages? Or, should I just not show up? It's been a week NC and I miss her like a mad man. Edited February 13, 2012 by zerovandez
Chs Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 If i was you i would stay away. Unless it's some important even or a rare occasion, but if it's just a regular gathering and you aren't missing out find some other plans. Leave her alone for now, and since your birthday is first im pretty damn sure she will contact you. I remember when i was still heartbroken and my ex came the same places at me, i would just sit back all miserable and lost in thought. The guys would try to cheer me up but nothing worked and eventually they would just mind their own, which is understandable. I always felt even worse when getting home alone having seen her that evening.
Zahara Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) I was able to brush it aside but I think I'm more hurt this time around. Do I say hello or ask how she is doing? Do I carry on a convo with her if she engages? Or, should I just not show up? It's been a week NC and I miss her like a mad man. You are more hurt this time because she gave you the cold hard truth, in that she's moving on. Hope masked your reality for a little while but now you know. If it hurts to be around her, don't go. If it hurts to see her face, don't go. If you miss her like crazy, don't go. I would be a fearful as hell at the thought of what I might feel if I were to be in the same room with someone that pains my heart. Unless, you're a glutton for punishment, by all means, go, fake a smile and pretend you are not dying inside. It's not about being mature but being emotionally smart. If you explain to your friends, they will understand. Heartache is heartache. And I am sure you can plan to meet them outside of this party, yes? Edited February 13, 2012 by Zahara
Author zerovandez Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 It's my friend son's first birthday so it's kind of special.. I can fake the funk for the sake of the event but I'm sure I'll be really hurt during and after if I decide to go.
Zahara Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 It's my friend son's first birthday so it's kind of special.. I can fake the funk for the sake of the event but I'm sure I'll be really hurt during and after if I decide to go. If you have your answer then there was no need to ask the question. Deep down you want to go but you're afraid to get hurt, special event or not. So you go and be prepared for the aftermath.
Author zerovandez Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Maybe to get a few tips on how to cope with things should they arise...
Zahara Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Maybe to get a few tips on how to cope with things should they arise... I think the best thing to do is to keep your distance, while you're there. If she approaches you, be cordial and try to excuse yourself and move away. I would try to keep a comfortable distance, enough so that you can get through the night without feeling too much of anxiety.
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