my body is a cage Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I had been seeing this guy since October, and everything was going well. We got along, had similar interests, friends in common, and had chemistry/ were very attracted to each other. I knew he came from a complicated relationship background: he recently got out of a 3.5 year relationship in which he had multiple affairs. Although he claimed to really love his ex girlfriend, he could not seem to be committed. With this in mind, I was dubious about having a more serious relationship with him, and attempted to appreciate our time together for what it was worth. He's still close with his ex, and she recently was in town. Although he said that their romantic relationship was definitely over, I was suddenly hit with this email saying he can't keep seeing me because he is too invested in her. he said he had been avoiding confronting the issue because he hated the idea of ending any type of relationship with me, and wrote, "i've had a really lovely time with you and getting to know you, you're beautiful and very intelligent and tasteful and generally a lot of fun, but things have become ... serious in a way i did not anticipate, and am really not ready for. i'm far too invested in my ex-girlfriend for me to be engaged in a relationship of this level with anyone.... it's begun to feel ... dishonest to all parties, and after a long, dishonest relationship with (my ex) i cannot bare to keep up such behavior... under different circumstances, i imagine things would be enormously different." Of course, our relationship wasn't that serious to begin with - I'm not sure what made him feel like it had become more serious, maybe just that we had been seeing more of each other. Either way, was this just a nice way for him to let me off? Or would he be romantically interested if he weren't confused about his ex? What could be so great about her? Why would he say those nice things about me in a break - up email, and why bother saying things would be different in different circumstances? I don't plan on contacting him any time soon, but wonder if its likely he would change his mind...
Author my body is a cage Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 anyone? i guess what I'm trying to say is that if he really sees me in the positive light that he described me in, why can't we continue seeing each other? why wouldn't he have romantic interest in me? do you think he is too hung up on the whole situation in general, or that i just pale compared to his ex in some way? it seems so unnecessary and unfair.
CaliBabe Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 I am just giving my opinion, so please do not be offended or hurt, as that is not my intention. But I think you were a rebound to him. He might have been taking a break from his ex, or giving her time to cool off after a fight or an infidelity and started to see you as you mentioned he had gotten out of an intense relationship with his ex. It's possible that he will be back if things don't work out with his ex, but ask yourself if you want to be second best? You deserve much better, try your best to heal. There are plenty more in the sea. Be strong girlfriend!
Author my body is a cage Posted February 3, 2012 Author Posted February 3, 2012 I am just giving my opinion, so please do not be offended or hurt, as that is not my intention. But I think you were a rebound to him. He might have been taking a break from his ex, or giving her time to cool off after a fight or an infidelity and started to see you as you mentioned he had gotten out of an intense relationship with his ex. It's possible that he will be back if things don't work out with his ex, but ask yourself if you want to be second best? You deserve much better, try your best to heal. There are plenty more in the sea. Be strong girlfriend! Hey, thanks for your advice. I think I probably wasn't clear enough in my post: him and his ex girlfriend have been broken up for almost a year now - she broke up with him because she figured out he had had multiple affairs. So, thus, although he "loved her" he was never committed to her. He had one short - lived girlfriend since then that he really didn't have any emotional attachment to, and I think if anything she was more of a rebound. I think I could be considered a rebound too in that he thought he could get over his ex by seeing me and then realized he wasn't over her. Although they are friends, I really don't see how she could take him back considering how unfaithfull he was... as far as I know, they have no plans of getting back together, but rather he wanted to be more honest in his relationships since his last relationship and since he is still invested in that one, he cannot begin something serious with me- not that he can have anything serious with her either. Does that make some sense? Maybe I'm just thinking outloud... That being said, you're definitely right I shouldnt settle for his second choice - if anything I was feeling more anxious before he opened up to me about this, as I could tell something was off but I didn't really know what. If this email is genuine, which I hope it is, he does think highly of me, and its really more about where he is right now - he said this to my friend too (he said he shouldnt go to her party bc we needed space and she said something along the lines of 'my body in a cage' rules! and he said i know, thats not the the problem...) As I said before I knew somthing along these lines happening was inevitable, and that he might not be ready for anything, but I just didn't want to bring it up because I was enjoying his company so much. I guess part of me is hoping that now that I've been liberated from doubt since the worst-case-scenario happened, and because it happened ina mature way and he still showed respect/admiration, that maybe after we get some space he can see that he threw something great away? Wether or not I'd take him back though, we'll see... I'm not trying to be spiteful and vengeful, and I really do want whats best for him and I'm glad he's working on himself as a person, I am just hurt that he decided he could no longer see me.
Million.to.1 Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Your story resonates with me alot as my last relationship was with someone also still invested in their Ex and I believe was a rebound. Many similar issues are here. Unfortunatly, he wasn't as insightful to his own dysfunction as your ex is, I got strung along and too invested and the B/U has hurt me alot. I think that he has been very honest with his email and you have taken that onboard with a very level head and are dealing with it really well. You shouldn't look for reasons why he needed out. It won't lead anywhere good. He has issues, and he did the right thing by not involving himself further with someone who he will probably end up hurting. Try and see that he is scared that he will hurt you like he hurt his ex, and he can't handle that again. And it is a good thing he stopped it before it happened. Please keep us posted on your progress... It is a tough blow to the ego when someone says that they see how wonderful you are, but can't be with you. It's a hopeless situation, and can leave you feeling powerless. He needs time. He may be back... But you seem pretty smart, and I am sure that if he comes knocking, you will have moved on.
Author my body is a cage Posted February 3, 2012 Author Posted February 3, 2012 I think that he has been very honest with his email and you have taken that onboard with a very level head and are dealing with it really well. You shouldn't look for reasons why he needed out. It won't lead anywhere good. He has issues, and he did the right thing by not involving himself further with someone who he will probably end up hurting. Try and see that he is scared that he will hurt you like he hurt his ex, and he can't handle that again. And it is a good thing he stopped it before it happened. He needs time. He may be back... But you seem pretty smart, and I am sure that if he comes knocking, you will have moved on. Hey thank you for your input. Yeah I do truly think its for the best he nipped it in the bud - he is probably being more logical than I am at this point in acknowledging that we cant see each other anymore without the relationship progressing to a level that he is not ready for. I wish I could see it as him not wanting to hurt me like he hurt his ex and not just him not choosing her over me - oversimplifactions like that are usually immature and not helpful anyway. I guess I find it sort of nebulous that he said "things were getting more serious in a way I did not anticipate," that, I feel like, could be a line... Thanks for your words of support tho, I have been trying not to make the situation worse by over-analyzing. I have no resentment towards him for ending this - he had no obligation to do anything and I appreciate that he communicated honestly, even if it wasnt exactly what I wanted to hear. I know that he appreciated that I was understanding, too... if he comes knocking again whether I accept him or not will depend on where both of us are in our lives otherwise. Its a bummer tho, I miss hanging out with him.
Author my body is a cage Posted February 3, 2012 Author Posted February 3, 2012 do you think this could be in part because I go out and party like he does, whereas his ex is more quiet/ more of a goody goody type? maybe he secretly admires that in her and is threatened by my socialness - not that drinking was involved every time we saw each other or that he would call me very intelligent if he thought i was just a sloppy party girl, but part of me is worried that maybe thats what i am in his eyes and thats why he hadn't "anticipated" this...
Author my body is a cage Posted February 9, 2012 Author Posted February 9, 2012 hey, any other advice? im feeling pretty down today he hasn't contact me or anything since we broke up... i feel embarrassed/ like i wasn't reading his signals when he wanted to end things & just kept pursuing him. i don't know how he felt about me and i'm starting to think he was never into me/ if he liked me more he would want to be with me, ie i don't know if this is just a case of "he's just not that into you"
CaliBabe Posted February 9, 2012 Posted February 9, 2012 You will have days like this. I would suggest rediscovering yourself. Do things you've wanted to do that you haven't had a chance to do. Hang out with some girlfriends or go to the bookstore in search of a new good book. Go hiking, swim or workout. Use this time to heal and work on yourself first before getting involved with anyone else, including the ex.
mike588 Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 I date a woman fresh out of a relationship for a year and I knew she still had feelings for her ex (red flag I ignored) but believed her when she told me it was over between them. Anyway somehow they reconnected and she dumped me for him...there was just to much of a history between them....I know she loved me but....she was still IN LOVE with him. Be glad it didn't last as long as mine did and you didn't become to emotionally attached as I did. Learn for it and move on. Good luck to you. 1
Author my body is a cage Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 I date a woman fresh out of a relationship for a year and I knew she still had feelings for her ex (red flag I ignored) but believed her when she told me it was over between them. Anyway somehow they reconnected and she dumped me for him...there was just to much of a history between them....I know she loved me but....she was still IN LOVE with him. hmm... hopefully she didn't intentionally lead you on... in these situations what confuses me is why is the pull towards the ex so strong? in my experience i get over one person when i find some i like as much as them, and in this scenario i feel like i failed to be that person for this guy. i dont think he wants to be with his ex romantically/ i think he knows he cant be with anyone, but then again he did say he was too "invested" in her. i just wish he could move on from a situation that obviously wasn't right... also, i don't see how they COULD get back together given the way he acted in the rrelationship, nor how he COULD have feelings for her and treat her the way he did... which is to say, also why i accepted his explanation for ending things because obviously he very objectively has relationship/commitment issues, and i would be foolish to ignore that... just him ending things completely makes me feel rejected
mike588 Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 hmm... hopefully she didn't intentionally lead you on... in these situations what confuses me is why is the pull towards the ex so strong? in my experience i get over one person when i find some i like as much as them, and in this scenario i feel like i failed to be that person for this guy. i dont think he wants to be with his ex romantically/ i think he knows he cant be with anyone, but then again he did say he was too "invested" in her. i just wish he could move on from a situation that obviously wasn't right... also, i don't see how they COULD get back together given the way he acted in the rrelationship, nor how he COULD have feelings for her and treat her the way he did... which is to say, also why i accepted his explanation for ending things because obviously he very objectively has relationship/commitment issues, and i would be foolish to ignore that... just him ending things completely makes me feel rejected I too didn't see how my now ex. and her ex. could get back together after all the wrong things she told me he didn't do to/for her....he wasn't there for her...distant...didn't make her feel loved..appreciated..lack of sex.. etc. etc. etc. but obviously there was something there between them. I was so very good to her...did all the things he didn't...but.....there was still a connection/love between them..It's been 6 months now and I've moved on. 1
Dark Phoenix Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 hmm... hopefully she didn't intentionally lead you on... in these situations what confuses me is why is the pull towards the ex so strong? in my experience i get over one person when i find some i like as much as them, and in this scenario i feel like i failed to be that person for this guy. i dont think he wants to be with his ex romantically/ i think he knows he cant be with anyone, but then again he did say he was too "invested" in her. i just wish he could move on from a situation that obviously wasn't right... also, i don't see how they COULD get back together given the way he acted in the rrelationship, nor how he COULD have feelings for her and treat her the way he did... which is to say, also why i accepted his explanation for ending things because obviously he very objectively has relationship/commitment issues, and i would be foolish to ignore that... just him ending things completely makes me feel rejected This is where a lot of people on this forum dont have an understanding of emotional maturity. There are 2 types of love Infatuation Attachment Infatuation is the emotional "in love" feeling, the romantic feeling. Attachment is the safety, comfortable, true friendship love feeling This is where "I love you but I am not in love with you" comes from Infatuation is basically a clock, it lasts anywhere from 3 months - 2 years. When this goes off, they are no longer "in love" unless you relight that fire. Attachment is that unconditional love bond. This is what takes people years to break free from. Some people never break free of this no matter how long its been. There are a lot of GIGS type posts on this forum and this is basically what GIGS boils down to, they chase the infatuation love, over and over and over again but never break free from the attachment. When they get tired of getting hurt they realize holy crap that attachment is way better then this infatuation stuff and still havent processed the attachment breakup, this is why they come back or try to. You can be superman, perfect boyfriend/gf, etc but no matter what, you will never be able to break the attachment of someone from someone else. This is why rebounding is dangerous. If someone paints their ex black, run away and dont look back 1
Author my body is a cage Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 This is where a lot of people on this forum dont have an understanding of emotional maturity. There are 2 types of love Infatuation Attachment Infatuation is the emotional "in love" feeling, the romantic feeling. Attachment is the safety, comfortable, true friendship love feeling This is where "I love you but I am not in love with you" comes from Infatuation is basically a clock, it lasts anywhere from 3 months - 2 years. When this goes off, they are no longer "in love" unless you relight that fire. Attachment is that unconditional love bond. This is what takes people years to break free from. Some people never break free of this no matter how long its been. There are a lot of GIGS type posts on this forum and this is basically what GIGS boils down to, they chase the infatuation love, over and over and over again but never break free from the attachment. When they get tired of getting hurt they realize holy crap that attachment is way better then this infatuation stuff and still havent processed the attachment breakup, this is why they come back or try to. You can be superman, perfect boyfriend/gf, etc but no matter what, you will never be able to break the attachment of someone from someone else. This is why rebounding is dangerous. If someone paints their ex black, run away and dont look back hmm interesting. this is one of the most useful responses i've ever gotten from ls, thanks. what is a GIG post? how do people ever move on from attachment?
Dark Phoenix Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 hmm interesting. this is one of the most useful responses i've ever gotten from ls, thanks. what is a GIG post? how do people ever move on from attachment? Biggest GIGS post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/ Grass is Greener on the other Side To move on from the attachment, you have to grieve it like a loss of part of you and give yourself time. I personally believe that some attachments never break, you will always care for a person and they will always care for you back.
Author my body is a cage Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 ugh i drunkenly commented twice on his facebook the other day, i deleted one of them... it wasnt anything serious and didnt need a response but was that a bad/weird move since we havent spoken for a few weeks? /is that breaking nc? he's invited me to invents on facebook and commented on things ive commented on but thats it... super bummed he hasnt been in contact
Author my body is a cage Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 So its been almost a month now and still no word. I'm so confused, I felt like we really had become close... the breakup was amicable and I know he's been in touch with exes from the past before, why does he not want to get in touch with me? Does this mean that he is really sure about his decision? That he doesn't care about me/ never did?
blotter Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 The time your wasting pining and wishing for him to contact you would be better served grieving over the death of the relationship. No one on the board is going to be able to tell you what is going through his head or if he ever really cared about you. The fact is you two are broken up and the relationship is over. Best to leave his facebook alone, go No Contact and move on. The sooner the better.
Author my body is a cage Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 The time your wasting pining and wishing for him to contact you would be better served grieving over the death of the relationship. No one on the board is going to be able to tell you what is going through his head or if he ever really cared about you. The fact is you two are broken up and the relationship is over. Best to leave his facebook alone, go No Contact and move on. The sooner the better. Hey thanks for your response. You are right I should not be pining for him to contact me. I also realize no one on this board can tell me what he's thinking, I just figured it would be better to post here than contact him. I have been grieving the relationship and coming to terms with the fact that there is no way to work right now. I guess its just that the nice way he ended it and how he said in a different circumstance things would be vastly different has given me a vestige of hope that he may change his mind (not that I would necessarily take him back). It just seems like if he meant all those nice things he said about me, why can't he just check in and say hi? Esp if he can do that with his other exes? I understand why its uncomfortable, but we were so comfortable with each other, why did that have to change just because the status of the relationship did? Unless he never felt that comfortable with/ connected with me?
madball2289 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I know how u feel about him not checking in with you, especially after saying nice things and being with your for a while. Just let him be, if he doesn't know what the hell he wants and is still hung up on his ex then let him do that. Don't waste time with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Just give it time and you will be fine. I was dating someone for just about as long as you were with this guy and I'm just about done shaking it off. you will be ok.
Numb79 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am going to be blunt here...... you need to stop analyzing everything. It shouldn't matter what he does.... he is not obligated to do anything anymore. I know that you are going through a rough patch right now and you can't help but think.... Trust me, I was there and I still look back and try to analyze things.... It doesn't do you any good.... just drives you insane. I know its hard not to think.... its not like you have a switch where you can turn your emotions on and off... but the more you analyze and wonder the worse its going to get. It is what it is..... Ok, now its your turn to give me the same speech!! Just make it alot more harsh so it will get through my thick skull!!
Author my body is a cage Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Thanks for all the support. It definitely is in all of our best interests to move on without wondering about things, because of the fact of the matter is we are broken up. Of course, this is easier said than done, and at least it is better to talk about it here with a supportive audience. I know I should not be overanalyzing, but I feel that coming to some sort semblance of understanding would help me move on. For example, he said he hated to have to do this... why? Because he would be hurt/miss me, or just because he hated to hurt anyone? Is he staying away out of care/respect? Or is he just relieved? We didn't fight and there was nothing clearly wrong with the relationship, but he wanted out. He said things would have been different at a different time, but then why wouldn't he be casually in touch with me now? Is he just not as into me as his other ex he is in touch with all the time? So many questions! I need to get them out and I really appreciate any input.
carhill Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 He'll be back, not to be confused with that act being healthy.
Numb79 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I have a question of my own for you..... Lets say you get all these questions answered, then what? Will your pain just go away? Will it change the outcome of the situation? Don't get me wrong, all your questions are valid.... but you are asking the wrong people. We do not know what he is thinking... we can only give you our opinion based on our own experiences and how we handle things. Instead of asking all these questions.... start asking yourself questions, like the ones above. I know I don't sound like a very supportive person.... but this is my way of coping. It works for me (sometimes) The damage has already been done..... thats what the ex said to me btw. It may be nice to have answers.... but in the end, nothing will change. The more answers you get.... the more you will think... Just do whats best for you for right now....
madball2289 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Sometimes people are just not happy with themselves and can't be in a relationship. They feel as if they are not good enough for you or whatever. I'm not saying that I always believe all that is true when someone has left, but I just realized there is nothing that you can do if they walk away. The best thing to do is just no contact. It's hard but it will make things easier. He obviously doesn't care right now, so you shouldn't either. It's been awhile since you have had contact so keep it up and you will get better.
Recommended Posts