Saxis Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) My GF has been getting pretty stressed out lately with multiple major things going on in her life. I want to be there for her as much as I can, but feel as though she's pulling away from me. I guess it's making me feel a little insecure about our relationship, and I'm having some trouble coping... First, we had a little tiff last weekend about her being good friends with one of her Xes. She warned me previously that she could not handle any jealousy on my part. So I met him for the first time, and things were fine until he did something very inappropriate, immature and disrespectful: he pulled his penis out in front of her while I was there. I got a bit jealous, we had a talk about it that night and things were fine, until the next day. I just had a terrible day, was in a bad mood and she sensed it. Thought it was because of the X, and honestly it was a little, but mostly just the events of that day. I was just kinda beating myself up over how I reacted about it. I believe she still might be dwelling on it a bit though... Next, she started a new full time job this week, but became very sick. She's still going to work, but her kid also became sick and couldn't go to daycare. She ended up having to leave work early one day and take her kid to the doctor and have her mom watch him the next day. Well, her mom ended up leaving her sick kid with her sister who had him outside all day with a boyfriend that my GF does not know or trust. She was furious, got into a fight with her mom and they are not speaking. She is generally very close with her mom and talks to her every day, so I know it's bothering her... There is also some issues with her STBXH. Long story short... They were split up, he found out about me, wanted to reconcile. She said no, he became jealous of me, threatened me and even broke into her house and tried to kill me, hurting her in the process. I came out unscathed, but he ended up in jail and actually got off easy. The court put no-contact orders in place for both of us, but they have a child to raise, so they've been bending the order for things like visitation and support money. Not the best of situations, and it does put a little damper on our time together, but we are still together nonetheless. Lastly, she has been helping her best friend and her kid out by letting them live with her temporarily in her 2 bedroom duplex. She lets them share her bed while she sleeps on the couch and her kid gets his bedroom. She's getting frustrated with her friend because she's been dragging on finding her own place to live. That has also kinda put a damper on nights we can spend together... Anyway... through all this crap she's going through, she's just been kind of distant for the last week. Doesn't reply to texts like she used to, we haven't been able to spend time together like we used to. I understand she's been busy and probably very stressed out, but I also feel very insecure that she hasn't turned to me for support. Not that there's a lot I can do for her right now, but I guess I'm just worried about her, and helpless. We usually spend Wed nights together, but she told me not to come because her STBXH would be there visiting the kid. I asked her to call me before bed, but I never heard anything from her. This morning I sent a good morning text, and finally just heard back a bit ago, and she said work was busy and she's still feeling like crap. In my concern, I said I was sorry she's not feeling well, that I miss her and that I'm here if she needs anything. I guess I just feel that it's not enough... I hate that helpless feeling! I haven't been eating or sleeping well from being worried about her, and a bit insecure. So how do you cope with something like that? Edited February 2, 2012 by Saxis
Author Saxis Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 To add a little more... I perceive her as a very strong woman. She has been through way more than just the things that have been going on recently. Her Exes have treated her like complete sh*t. She's been through infidelity and drug use in every relationship, a couple abortions and quite a bit of family drama. I have no idea how she does it, but she seems to be very well adjusted to situations like this. A friend suggested that maybe withdrawing was a coping mechanism for her. She's not really used to being able to lean on a partner for support, after all. I've made it clear to her that I am here if she needs me. I guess my insecurity is stemming from not knowing what's going on. I mean, I know the situations, but don't know how they are affecting her, if she just needs some time and space to cope, or what. The time or two I have seen her get upset about something, she did kind of leave the area to calm herself down and didn't talk much about it. I am a pretty empathetic person when it comes to things like this with people I'm close to. I'm not very social, and don't really make close friends easily, but when I do, it's very easy for me to pick up on and pay attention to the details of their mood, and it effects me emotionally. Sometimes drastically, like in this case where it consumes my thoughts, gives me anxiety and affects even my eating and sleeping habits. This venting does help with the anxiety and passes the time, but it is no solution. Quite frankly, there really is no solution to the kind of issues she's having except time. In the meantime, it just hurts.
blahdeeblah Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 1) It sounds like she has a lot on her plate right now. I know that when my boyfriend is stressed out he becomes more distant when I'm adding to his stress by placing demands or expectations on him...and generally I respond the same way when I'M stressed. I have trouble getting jealousy and neediness in check, so I understand what you're feeling, but you're going to have to give her space. Do what you can right now to let her understand that you are a safe harbor, free of stress, that she can go to when everything else becomes too much (whether that means listening when she needs to vent, pitching in w/ babysitting or chores, or giving her backrubs -- with NO expectations of anything back) and when SHE is ready....and then back off and give her the room to handle all that stress on her own without adding to it. Some people cling more when they're stressed, others need some space. Sounds like maybe she just needs some space to effectively deal with everything. 2) I know I said to get your jealousy in check, but that is ONLY if the jealousy is unfounded and coming 100% from your own insecurity. I think in the case of the ex whipping his penis out in front of you and your gf, you are TOTALLY within your rights to be upset about that. That is completely inappropriate behavior on his part, and how SHE responds in that situation is important. It is her responsibility, as someone who cares about and respects your feelings, AND respects herself, to make it clear to him that behavior like that is not tolerable. I think it's possible to be friends with exes while in a relationship, but ONLY on a level that is 100% respectful of the relationship and 100% platonic. If that's not the case w/ her and her exes, you are within your rights to be upset. If you decide to talk to her about this, I would recommend waiting until she has less going on and is in a lighter mood to bring up this topic, because right now, she will likely just get defensive and retreat b/c she is unable to deal with it on top of everything else. But that guy's behavior is not ok, imo, and if she has not made that boundary clear, then imo, that's an issue that needs addressing at some point.
blahdeeblah Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Also, I can relate to being very empathetic, but don't forget to think about YOUR needs. It's easy to get so caught up in how other people might be feeling and what they need, that we forget to pay attention to or put importance in what we need. If this is a pattern that continues, then you are continually setting aside your needs to make sure hers are met and that is not how a relationship should be. Take this time to focus on yourself, while making yourself accessible when she needs you, and find a way to get your emotional needs met outside of the relationship. If this means immersing yourself in a hobby, calling up friends to hang out with or just talk to, taking on projects around the house that you've been putting off, etc. then do it! Focus on YOUR life while she takes care of HERS. My boyfriend has started a career that takes him away from home every week and I can barely talk to him until the weekend comes around. It has been a really difficult adjustment, so I can relate to how you're feeling. While it's not quite the same situation, I am still left feeling like he "doesn't need me" or like everything else in his life is getting more attention/priority than I am. I have had plenty of moments of self-pity and intense loneliness, but it ultimately ONLY affects me and it affects me negatively. When I start sinking into the pit of despair, I consciously remind myself of this, and actively work to be someone he misses and needs in his life. Sometimes I fail, but I just keep trying and keep moving forward. I make conscious efforts to stay busy, stop focusing on him, have my own life and interests, and this in turn pushes away the emptiness I feel AND contributes to the relationship. Win-win.
Author Saxis Posted February 4, 2012 Author Posted February 4, 2012 So a little update... Last night she finally did call me back, and we only had a short time to talk. I didn't really bring up any of my concerns about the lack of communication, but she did express that she was sorry for not getting back to me and explaining a little (about work and being sick mostly). She had just woke up from a nap and was apparently feeling a little better, so she decided to go out and pick some things up she needed. In her better mood, she started texting me again, and we did back and forth for a couple hours like we used to, flirty and playful. I thought things might get back on track, until tonight... Her STBXH was supposed to take their kid this weekend, which usually means we get some time together. Well, I think her X has kinda figured our schedules out and knows that when he has their kid, we are together. So it appears that he has been refusing to take his kid, but wanting to spend some time with him at her house, which should NOT be happening, as they have a no-contact order in place where he is only allowed phone conversations with her. She did not want this order, but the court would not drop it, so she has been allowing it anyway. Too hard to parent otherwise. There is also a no-contact order between him and I also. So if she allows him at the house, I can't be there. He has also been trying desperately to get her back, so it is a good opportunity for him to try to convince her of that. She says she would NEVER take him back (she has given him MANY chances), but I've heard many people say that before and do it anyway. I don't fully trust that there isn't a chance... They have only been separated 6 months or so, and have not even started the divorce process yet. So tonight when I got off work, shot her a message that I was home, tried calling an hour later. Tried calling again about 2 hours after that, then sent another message asking if she was going to make it tonight. She finally messages back another hour later, saying that she just picked her car up from the tire shop, and her X wasn't taking her kid. No problem... we have spent weekends together with each others' kids. So I ask her if I should come there. She just says "not a good idea". So I assume (and am very sure) that her X was or would be at her house tonight, and left it at that. An hour later, she messages "I'll talk to you about everything tomorrow. Don't feel like talking right now, sorry". I reply "Ok, hope you have a good night, or a better one". 2 hours after THAT, I just get "Going to bed...". I reply "Goodnight, I miss you", and so far that is where things have ended. So tomorrow, when (if) she decides to talk to me, I will hear her out and find out what's been going on. There are several different things it could be at this point. Most likely, her X knows what he's doing and using his kid to keep us away from each other. Yeah, he's a giant douchebag and won't move on, or let anyone else be happy if he's not. This was obvious from the beginning... Or, he was talking about taking a job halfway across the country. He was trying to convince her to go with him so they could "start over", but she told him she wanted nothing to do with that and hadn't heard anything about it for a few weeks. I know it would upset her if he left, as she DOES want him to be involved in his kid's life. Hence, she's allowing him to pull this kind of crap. She's most likely having to make the choice between me, or her kid having a father. So far, it looks like he is winning. I can understand her not wanting to explain it to me like that, but our kids do need to come first... I also kind of think that she has withdrawn from me because that's what she's used to doing. She's just had to deal with things like this herself. Her family has helped somewhat in the past, but currently she is kinda fighting with them about other issues. With what she's told me about her past relationships, the cheating and trust issues, the verbal and physical abuse, I don't think she's ever been able to lean on a partner. She doesn't like to get emotional and cry in front of me. So I'm not sure if she's withdrawing because she doesn't want to hurt me by putting her kid's father before me, or if that's just how she deals. I do know that I can and will not be able to sustain a relationship with her like this. I've never been the good communicator in a relationship, but with her, I need it. At least with the situation at hand... And yes, most of you are probably wondering why I am even putting up with this much drama. Well, it's worth giving this a shot. I'm not one to just set my feelings aside, give up and move on. It's a little odd to me, but I want to work on a relationship with her more than I did with my wife. I have not told her I love her yet, but that is certainly what I'm feeling if I ever have. So instead of telling me to just move on, you can politely go outside and play hide and go f*ck yourself. I fully believe that if/when her X moves on and accepts that she will not give him another chance, we could have an amazing relationship, and I'm about 99% sure she feels the same way, or did before all this happened. She may well have decided that it's not worth it now... Anyway, this is the story. Tomorrow will be a new day, and hopefully some good news will follow. I don't think it will be good news in terms of the issues with her X, but I'm hoping we can agree to keep working at the relationship despite him, and the communication problem. Any insight on how I should approach (other than moving on) is appreciated... if you made it through this novel!
Els Posted February 4, 2012 Posted February 4, 2012 My GF has been getting pretty stressed out lately with multiple major things going on in her life. I want to be there for her as much as I can, but feel as though she's pulling away from me. I guess it's making me feel a little insecure about our relationship, and I'm having some trouble coping... I'm not so sure about the bolded, to be honest. No offense intended, perhaps you just did not feel the need to mention it, but what have you done to try and help her through this time? I see a lot of mention of you initiating texts, intimacy, etc, but very little of actual help. IMO someone in the situation that she is in needs the latter more than the former at this time, although both would certainly be best. First, we had a little tiff last weekend about her being good friends with one of her Xes. She warned me previously that she could not handle any jealousy on my part. So I met him for the first time, and things were fine until he did something very inappropriate, immature and disrespectful: he pulled his penis out in front of her while I was there. I got a bit jealous, we had a talk about it that night and things were fine, until the next day. I just had a terrible day, was in a bad mood and she sensed it. Thought it was because of the X, and honestly it was a little, but mostly just the events of that day. I was just kinda beating myself up over how I reacted about it. I believe she still might be dwelling on it a bit though... Horrible, horrible jerk. WTF. But I wonder why you 'got jealous' and talked to her about it instead of telling him straight out? Didn't SHE think it was inappropriate? Next, she started a new full time job this week, but became very sick. She's still going to work, but her kid also became sick and couldn't go to daycare. She ended up having to leave work early one day and take her kid to the doctor and have her mom watch him the next day. Well, her mom ended up leaving her sick kid with her sister who had him outside all day with a boyfriend that my GF does not know or trust. She was furious, got into a fight with her mom and they are not speaking. She is generally very close with her mom and talks to her every day, so I know it's bothering her... Could you have done anything to help her with the kid? There is also some issues with her STBXH. Long story short... They were split up, he found out about me, wanted to reconcile. She said no, he became jealous of me, threatened me and even broke into her house and tried to kill me, hurting her in the process. I came out unscathed, but he ended up in jail and actually got off easy. The court put no-contact orders in place for both of us, but they have a child to raise, so they've been bending the order for things like visitation and support money. Not the best of situations, and it does put a little damper on our time together, but we are still together nonetheless. Sorry to hear that. Lastly, she has been helping her best friend and her kid out by letting them live with her temporarily in her 2 bedroom duplex. She lets them share her bed while she sleeps on the couch and her kid gets his bedroom. She's getting frustrated with her friend because she's been dragging on finding her own place to live. That has also kinda put a damper on nights we can spend together... Well, I think this is partly her fault - she should be able to put her foot down. But why can't she and her kid just stay over at your place? Win/win, she doesn't need to sleep on the couch and you can spend more nights together. Anyway... through all this crap she's going through, she's just been kind of distant for the last week. Doesn't reply to texts like she used to, we haven't been able to spend time together like we used to. I understand she's been busy and probably very stressed out, but I also feel very insecure that she hasn't turned to me for support. Not that there's a lot I can do for her right now, but I guess I'm just worried about her, and helpless. We usually spend Wed nights together, but she told me not to come because her STBXH would be there visiting the kid. I asked her to call me before bed, but I never heard anything from her. This morning I sent a good morning text, and finally just heard back a bit ago, and she said work was busy and she's still feeling like crap. In my concern, I said I was sorry she's not feeling well, that I miss her and that I'm here if she needs anything. I guess I just feel that it's not enough... I hate that helpless feeling! I haven't been eating or sleeping well from being worried about her, and a bit insecure. So how do you cope with something like that? I think all this might improve if you try and help her in whatever way you can with the ongoing stressors.
Author Saxis Posted February 4, 2012 Author Posted February 4, 2012 Thanks for the reply. Yes, I have offered to help her. I do have my own full time job, and we live about 35 minutes apart, so no, I could not really leave work to go help with her kid. My boss was gone all week so I wouldn't even have been able to get time off approved. Otherwise, I would have tried if I had even known until it was too late. She wasn't exactly communicating this issues at the time... Aside from the couple days I had other obligations and taking care of my own kid, I have offered to come cook while she is sick, and did go there on Monday just to spend a couple hours with her. I have offered her my shoulder to cry on and my ears to listen with her family and friend problems, but I don't see any other way I can help with that. I have thought about looking for a bed that her friend's son could sleep on, so the kids could be in one room, and we could stay in her bedroom again. I even mentioned this to her and she refused... Yes, I think I've offered all the help I can at this point. I believe the situation and the jealousy with her X/friend is resolved at this point also. Chalk it up to drunken immaturity for the most part, and I'm not worried about him anymore. The current STBXH is the main factor in our communication problems right now...
Author Saxis Posted February 6, 2012 Author Posted February 6, 2012 (edited) Well... It took all weekend, but she finally called to talk to me about what's been going on. I am now totally confused... Not really what I was expecting at all. She told me that she fell in love with me, but with everything that is going on, the time is not right for her, and she's worried that we would just end up hurting each other. Basically, when we first started dating, and both of us looking at failed marriages and infidelity, we discussed that neither of us is crazy about the idea of marriage and didn't want more kids. I did tell her I would consider marriage again. Well, she said that since she's only 26, she has no idea if she'll change her mind about having more kids, that if she was in love and married that she may want to. So if I didn't change my mind (which is also still possible), we'd be wasting each others' time. I had told her early on that I had been considering a vasectomy, and at first she was on board with it, since we would not need birth control. But now she thinks it means that I would never consider having more kids with someone. She just doesn't want to get 5 years down the road, and we have different views on it. Currently, we both agree that we don't want any more right now, but there's always room to change our minds. Of course the other issues are a factor also, and she does want to get those things straightened out, and make sure she and her son are stable. I can understand that. I just don't like the idea of throwing away a great relationship out of fear of the future. That is ALWAYS the case in any relationship. You just can't predict those things... So she has just told me that she loves me, but doesn't think the timing is right for her and she's worried about things that could be deal breakers way into the future. I really don't believe in breaks, and I've told her this, so now she believes that I would not wait for her. Of course I'm not thrilled with the idea. It's hard to go a couple months in a great relationship and then just hit the breaks. She doesn't think we can just "slow things down", which was my suggestion to her. Then she said that she just couldn't talk about it anymore right then, and said that we would meet after work, she'd give me my stuff from her house, and we could talk more. I really would be willing to give her some time and space, but I don't want us to completely check out of this until she decides she wants to continue again. I would love for us to be able to continue talking at least, and ideally seeing each other from time to time. But my nerves are completely shot. I haven't been sleeping very well, or eating, either. It's taken a lot of talking to and spending time with friends just to keep me somewhat sane. With this in mind, I've also been considering that the time away could do me some good too. I'm just completely addicted and in love with her, and I could never make the decision to step away like she's wanting. I just don't understand that... Edited February 6, 2012 by Saxis
FitChick Posted February 7, 2012 Posted February 7, 2012 Never get involved with anyone who is separated or who has been divorced for less than two years. That's how you avoid messes like this. Concentrate on your kid.
Author Saxis Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 Never get involved with anyone who is separated or who has been divorced for less than two years. That's how you avoid messes like this. Concentrate on your kid. That definitely would've saved us both this headache with her X. She assumed he had completely moved on, as he was dating and hooking up with multiple women (much like he had during their marriage). But when he found out about me, he just flipped. We had agreed to work through it, but he has been too selfish to even help parent his child, so I think the stress of that has finally caught up with her...
Author Saxis Posted February 8, 2012 Author Posted February 8, 2012 Another bomb was dropped on me last night... She told me she thought I was "a bit selfish". Basically, we live about 30 miles apart and were spending a great deal of time together, so a lot of driving was involved. We had both mentioned that it was getting rather expensive to keep seeing each other like we were, but it never slowed down. We just kept trying to alternate who was driving. She lost her job around Xmas, and it became hard for her to afford it. I started driving to her place much more often. After this stuff happened with her X, him going to jail and not able to get her child support money, things got very hard. About that time, over a month ago now, I had bought myself a couple big things that I had wanted for a long time. It was a very tough decision for me because I didn't really have the money for them, but I knew I would have the money coming in a couple months, so I put them on credit and started making payments. She did not know this. We had only been together a little over a month at the time, and I did not feel it necessary to divulge everything about my financial situation. Well, I guess she just saw that I had spent a lot of money on those things, and she could barely afford to put gas in her car. I really would have helped her out if she needed it or had asked. I even offered to drive there on several occasions when she came to visit and she refused, saying it would be fine. Tonight, we are supposed to get together and discuss all these things and hopefully decide what we want to do with our relationship. Despite the issues with the X, I'm still really hoping for the best. I am not ready to give up yet, as she's a great girl and I think we have a lot of potential. Wish me luck!
Author Saxis Posted February 9, 2012 Author Posted February 9, 2012 Well, it didn't turn out too bad... A little awkward at first from not seeing each other for the last 11 days. We just made smalltalk for a while about work and things that were going on, then started kissing. Everything came rushing back instantly. We did some serious talking about what each of us wanted, but she ultimately did want to try a break. I agreed as long as she did not shut me out completely, so we will still communicate on occasion. At least until she feels like she has things sorted and the stress is gone, or until she can't take being away any longer. She said there's a good chance that might happen, but she at least needed to try the break. We were probably just torturing ourselves, but after much more making out and hesitation, she left. At least it was a happy separation. Time will tell if this is the best possible outcome...
Author Saxis Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 As an update to this... She called me on the 10th kinda freaking out. Her landlord heard about her X breaking into the house and apparently her neighbors had complained about all the "visitors" she was getting, and he wanted to meet with her. She explained everything and all was good. The landlord knew about the no-contact order and asked that her X not come to the house anymore. Told her that the neighbors know him and his truck, and they will call the police if they see him there. So that's kinda taken care of for now. She also told her friend that she needed to move out, and she reconciled with her mom. She came over and spent the night, and we are no longer on a break. We will however, probably be slowing down a bit and leaving the kids out of it for now. It was a rough time for both of us, but I have to say we are probably a little stronger because of it. Especially in the communication and trust departments, now that we know how each other feels.
Recommended Posts