DontWorryBHappy Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) Alright so my boyfriend came over to my house yesterday, as he has done several times before. I'm 22 years old and he is 20. We decided to go into my room for a couple hours for some privacy, which we of course want at times, although we always make time to socialize with my mom and brother as well. When we decided to come out of the room the boyfriend went into the bathroom while I came out into the living room where my mom and brother were. Basically, they just looked at me really strangley... I asked what was wrong, and my brother just tells me to go eat. So immediately I realized that they were having an issue with me being in my room with my boyfriend with the door closed. Now, historically, my mom has had issues with me being in close quarters with boyfriends. But those instances were a long while ago.. I guess I figured that things would be more relaxed since I'm 22 now, and also because I only recently moved back home after being away at college for years (with my own apartment, and other boyfriends, etc). So today I come out of my room and my mom brings up the subject. She told me not to close my door when my boyfriend and I are in my room. I know it's her house, but I feel like I'm five years old suddenly. If he was sleeping over I would be happy to sleep seperately out of respect, but asking for us to avoid even being in my room with the door closed seems a bit much, since I'm not 16 anymore. Am I wrong? Edited February 2, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy
Philosoraptor Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Yes you are wrong. This is your parents house and it is their rules. Some parents don't mind you doing such things other parents do. My mother was the same way and I understood the rules. I moved out a semester before I graduated college when I was 21. Once I was in my own place those rules didn't apply. If you do not own the property, you do not get to make the rules.
ditzchic Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Sorry but I do think you are wrong here. Her house, her rules. Yes you're an adult but you choose to live with your mom. If you don't like her house rules you are capable of living elsewhere. I'm 29 and live alone but when I come for a visit to my parents house with a boyfriend we still have to sleep in separate beds. Their rules separate beds until I'm married. I don't like it. I think it's stupid. But it's her house. She wouldn't come into my home and change my rules. I can always stay elsewhere.
aj22one Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Both right and both wrong. It's her house, but I think she should give you a bit of independence unless she wants to cause friction in the relationship. When a parent invites an adult child to come back home and live in the house the goal should never be to control their movements and actions unnecessarily. She either offered out of kindness, or out of a desire to control (or snoop or both). Given the evidence here, I'd tend toward believing the latter. You can't demand that she change, but she must come to the realization that she's not being sincere.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I agree with the other posters. It's her house therefore her rules stand, whether you like it or not. You neither pay rent/mortgage, and being 22 doesn't mean anything except the fact that you're of a legal age and capable of renting your own place. I'm 22 as well and living at home. My mom's rules are no dating outside of my race and no bringing guys home. She has no say in the former because who I date is none of her business, but I respect the latter because i rarely like to invite people home anyways aside from my girlfriends.
veggirl Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Agree with the others. Her house, her rules, whether you agree with them or not. Personally, my mom wouldn't care if I was 22 and doing what you are doing. But if your mom cares and you aren't paying rent, then you need to oblige her. It's not a large sacrifice to make if you are living rent/utility/etc free!
Dust Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I agree with the other posters but let me tell you how to get around it. Just do what you want haha. I lived with family for a year after college. Not only did I bring back girls and have sex with them but I let them spend the night! I'm an evil man I know! They really couldn't do sht about it but act uncomfortable. I mean they didn't even realy anoy me much other then act annoyed I did it. So go ahead just do it if you want it so bad and realize there pretty much ain't much they can do. Especialy your brother haha. What a dick. Although no one likes to imagine there sister screwing around behind close doors with a guy... thats what you're doing to him haha.
Philosoraptor Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Just because you had no issue disrespecting your parents and they had no backbone Dust, doesn't mean that her parents wont. They could evict her. Maybe parents today are getting to soft, but my older sister was kicked out due to disrespect. The rules wern't overbearing or anything, but the line was enforced.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 You know it's one thing to spend the night, it's another to talk in the room for some privacy. I'm not sure why some parents freak out like you're going to want to just pop in and have sex with your partner while your brother and yo mutha are sitting in the living room. I think that would be inappropriate behavior for the middle of the afternoon or what not regardless, but I'm not sure why people freak out. Do you not trust your kid that much where you can't even have them sit in a room and talk to their bf with the door closed at 22 years of age? I mean that's one helluva a relationship if you ask me If you can't trust your kid to respect you for a few hours. Spending the night however I think would be a separate issue altogether, that's definitely leaving the door open for some hanky panky, but I think It's rather ridiculous how acceptable being paranoid over that. If you can't trust your kid with her bf for a few hours in a room while you are there, then I could imagine what you think they'd do outside of those doors. I think it's about respect than just who's house it is, however I speak without having kids of my own and generally If I had a daughter I'd bust the guys balls so hard I know he'd be shaking in his boots with my daughter in her room and wouldn't touch her, because If he did....he'd be losing a few fingers. I might even clean my gun coincidentally every time he comes over to visit. Of course I'd have to buy one just to clean it :S
ditzchic Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Do you not trust your kid that much where you can't even have them sit in a room and talk to their bf with the door closed at 22 years of age? I mean that's one helluva a relationship if you ask me If you can't trust your kid to respect you for a few hours. I think you missed this. Now, historically, my mom has had issues with me being in close quarters with boyfriends. But those instances were a long while ago.. I guess I figured that things would be more relaxed since I'm 22 now, and also because I only recently moved back home after being away at college for years (with my own apartment, and other boyfriends, etc). We all know trust broken is a hard thing to repair. And given that she is coming here to complain makes me think she may not be as as understanding and respectful as you think she might be.
aj22one Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Just because you had no issue disrespecting your parents and they had no backbone Dust, doesn't mean that her parents wont. They could evict her. Maybe parents today are getting to soft, but my older sister was kicked out due to disrespect. The rules wern't overbearing or anything, but the line was enforced. haha let's be honest here, this ain't about "respect", this is about mom wanting to keep OP a little girl. "Oh no, my daughter actually has SEX! OMG!" Too bad her mother probably did the same exact stuff when she was her age. It's the mother's right to control what goes on in her house of course, but the mother shouldn't be surprised or offended when it causes a rift in the mother-daughter relationship.
kaylan Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Sorry OP, but your mom has every right to set those rules in her house. My mom did the same thing with me and my ex when I was 22. Plus shes a religious woman, so the door had to be open at least a crack when we were in my room. Same thing when I went to my exes house. Her mom was the same way about us being in her room with the door closed. It was weird though that her parents had no issue with us hanging out alone in the basement. It didnt stop us from fooling around though lol. Obviously at her house we were able to hear when people came to the basement, so we had ample time to get normal. And at my house we'd just hook up behind the door lol. You have no idea how much I missed having my own place instead of sneaking around back then. Hell, before I moved back home for college I had my own place. I was either 19 or 20, and one time my mom wanted to spend the night since it was late and she was too tired to drive home. Of course this was a night I had a girl over. So my moms always been cramping my style, even when I wasnt living with her haha. But all in all, Id have the same rules for my kids in the future. Id want them to respect my house, or at least be good at hiding their shenanigans from me. But I doubt they can, since I know some tricks already.
kaylan Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) haha let's be honest here, this ain't about "respect", this is about mom wanting to keep OP a little girl. "Oh no, my daughter actually has SEX! OMG!" Too bad her mother probably did the same exact stuff when she was her age. It's the mother's right to control what goes on in her house of course, but the mother shouldn't be surprised or offended when it causes a rift in the mother-daughter relationship. It is about respect. If for example, my friend visited me and brought his gf along, I wouldnt want him screwing around in my house. When I have kids I dont want them to do that either, boy or girl. Im not their roommate, so they should have a little more respect for me than that. If they want to screw around like that in my house, contribute rent and bill money, and act like an adult. Till then, your my kid and you aint screwing around. lolz I agree with the other posters. It's her house therefore her rules stand, whether you like it or not. You neither pay rent/mortgage, and being 22 doesn't mean anything except the fact that you're of a legal age and capable of renting your own place. I'm 22 as well and living at home. My mom's rules are no dating outside of my race and no bringing guys home. She has no say in the former because who I date is none of her business, but I respect the latter because i rarely like to invite people home anyways aside from my girlfriends. If she only knew who youve dated already xD And I really dont like chicks meeting anyone but my brother anymore. Especially after how my mom behaved with my ex. During a rough patch my mom actually tried to talk to her and ask her "so whats going on with you and kay?" And it wasnt asked in a way where youd think she was concerned about us being happy together. Rather it was asked in a way which made my ex feel like like the bad guy. I think the next time my parents will meet a significant other of mine is upon engagement lolz Edited February 2, 2012 by kaylan
FitChick Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 You are an adult. Move out. I left home at 18 because I wanted my freedom. If you can't afford your own place, rent a room in a house or get housemates to share the rent. That's what I did.
Eclypse Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Damn that's rough. Well of course she can enforce whatever rules she wants, but I think the issue is if she should. Me and my gf are the same age as OP. I always took it for granted that we'd end up spending the majority of our time alone in her/my room. I mean, socializing with the family for a bit is ok, but it would be nightmarish to not have any privacy. I'm dating her, not her mum. I'm assuming sex is not all you're having in there. I would hate to have her family sitting there listening to every word you say with the door wide open... The only reason that rule might apply is if you have a history of being a crack whore who has a habit of dating narco dealers. But you don't sound like that. Everyone needs their privacy. You deserve it, especially from your own mother. It's not always easy to move out, particularly if you still have school to finish. I have to ask, does this happen when you go to your bfs house too? Also does your mum like him? That could be a big influence.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 Hey everyone, thanks for the responses. My mom actually does like him, which is something that I want to continue. When she brought this up she wasn't really questioning his judgement, but more mine, since I was the one who decided to close the door to give us privacy. When we go to his house, his mom actually has no problem with us keeping the door closed. But his door doesn't lock right now, so if we try to get intimate I feel paranoid, even though he says she would never come in. I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I think I've come to a decision that I hope my boyfriend will be ok with. I want both of us to continue getting along with each other's families, and I want this relationship to last, as I know he does too... so I'm thinking we should lay off of doing anything that our parents would not approve of seeing us do until we have the money to get our own apartments, or unless we decide to take a vacation together and we end up in a hotel or something where no parents are around. I guess there may be times when a parent is out of the house or something so you tend to think you can do what you want, but it still feels awkward if you're in the middle of trying to be intimate and a parent comes home, then trying to come out of the room like nothing happened. I also think that maybe this will leave more time for me to get to know his family better, and for him to get to know mine. And one day when we can get our own places (which we are trying to do in the near future..and I don't mean living together, I mean our own seperate apartments).. then we can be intimate without causing any possible issue with anyone. Is this a good idea?
Dust Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Hey everyone, thanks for the responses. My mom actually does like him, which is something that I want to continue. When she brought this up she wasn't really questioning his judgement, but more mine, since I was the one who decided to close the door to give us privacy. When we go to his house, his mom actually has no problem with us keeping the door closed. But his door doesn't lock right now, so if we try to get intimate I feel paranoid, even though he says she would never come in. I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I think I've come to a decision that I hope my boyfriend will be ok with. I want both of us to continue getting along with each other's families, and I want this relationship to last, as I know he does too... so I'm thinking we should lay off of doing anything that our parents would not approve of seeing us do until we have the money to get our own apartments, or unless we decide to take a vacation together and we end up in a hotel or something where no parents are around. I guess there may be times when a parent is out of the house or something so you tend to think you can do what you want, but it still feels awkward if you're in the middle of trying to be intimate and a parent comes home, then trying to come out of the room like nothing happened. I also think that maybe this will leave more time for me to get to know his family better, and for him to get to know mine. And one day when we can get our own places (which we are trying to do in the near future..and I don't mean living together, I mean our own seperate apartments).. then we can be intimate without causing any possible issue with anyone. Is this a good idea? Thats a horible idea, but I'll leave it up to your bf to fight that battle.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 If she only knew who youve dated already xD And I really dont like chicks meeting anyone but my brother anymore. Especially after how my mom behaved with my ex. During a rough patch my mom actually tried to talk to her and ask her "so whats going on with you and kay?" And it wasnt asked in a way where youd think she was concerned about us being happy together. Rather it was asked in a way which made my ex feel like like the bad guy. I think the next time my parents will meet a significant other of mine is upon engagement lolz She has her curiousities but I don't blab about my relationships unless it's on an anonymous forum like LS. I have a don't ask don't tell policy I'm not going to deny parents are extremely nosy about their children's private lives. They feel they're entitled to know everything about their children's business, but I think that right went out the door when kids turn 18. It's one thing to be a concerned parent and another to involve oneself as a third party. Parents need to understand that they have a right to enforce certain rules under their roof but they don't have a right to overstep their boundaries about their children's privacy.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 It's a horrible idea? Then what am I supposed to do? :/
Negative Nancy Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Man, what kind of backwards ass country is the US in some parts? You're 22 and she wants you to leave the door open? I lived in my ex-boyfriend's apartment when I was 17 and his mother did not tell us to close the door, instead she was a really nice lady and always made us food. :lol:
Dust Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 It's a horrible idea? Then what am I supposed to do? :/ Well why don't you and your BF put your heads togather and come up with something. Because getting to know eachothers families and having no sexual contact what so ever may sound doable to you but if he's anything like me it would be the 9th circle of hell. (and not in the good way)
kaylan Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 OP, If your boyfriend is mature and cares about you, he wont have a problem with your plan. And im pretty sure you guys will occassionally get caught up in moments when noones home anyways. Either way its not like you cant hook up away from home lol Ive had my share of fun in a few cars and dressing rooms tbh haha. Early in college, my car and my exes car were like second bedrooms for us. Sometimes its nice to just go for a drive and park somewhere to rest and listen to music. We even hard our own spot =P
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) Well one thing I know for sure is that sex at my house is out of the question. My mom is actually a conservative no sex.before marriage type, but that isn't me. My dad is a little more laid back, but somehow I think I'd feel way awkward doing it with him at the house. Then there's his house.. that usually works but the door doesn't lock, and sometimes I hear people right outside the door and I get so paranoid so I don't think I want to do that anymore either. I think I would be cool doing anything while we are alone in the house, and at places outside the house. I don't want to not have sex, I just don't want to live in fear and paranoia. Lol Edited February 2, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy
Titania22 Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Thankyou for this thread. It's an interesting problem, and one i am facing in one week, as my daughters boyfriend is coming to visit from france. What I find hilarious though is that last night her bedroom door fell of its hinge.
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