chels Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 So, it's been 6+ months since my ex and I broke up, and we hadn't spoken at all for the last 2 months or so.. that is, until I contacted him in order to get some belongings of mine that I had left at his house. It was a painful and messy breakup for us both, and he isn't the most mature guy on the planet (which is a big reason why we broke up, surprise surprise.) I was hesitant to ask for my stuff back because we hadn't spoken in so long, and I was worried about how he would react. But I figured we'd both moved on enough, and the things I want back are rather valuable (snowboarding equipment, for one, as well as a necklace I've had since I was 10) so I went ahead and talked to him about it. The first conversation went surprisingly well. He offered to drop the stuff off in a box by my front door that evening or the following morning. Three days later, he sent me a (rather unfriendly) email stating he was "really busy" and he'd "try to get around to it" over the weekend. That was three weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him or gotten my stuff back since. So I finally contacted him again today, asking if he was still planning on returning my stuff. Even though he only lives 2 minutes away from me, and I really can't see any reason why he couldn't squeeze this simple task into his schedule, I offered to pick up the stuff myself if he just left the box in front of his house or some other somewhat safe place. His response was "I'd rather not have you go to my house," as if I posed some sort of danger (I don't.) Here's the rest of what he had to say: 1) I still owed him for a dinner we'd gone to with my parents while we were still dating (which he'd later told me not to worry about,) 2) He'd "been there" for me after the breakup (which did not involve money or anything like that, but apparently I still owed him somehow,) and 3) He was "being really nice" by agreeing to return my stuff to me and basically just said he'd get around to it if he felt like it and I should be happy with that. I suppose my question is, what is the best way to handle this situation? I am incredibly frustrated by all of this and I would just walk away if the possessions weren't somewhat important to me. It seems like he's trying to "win" some sort of competition with me, and I couldn't be less interested in competing. The fact that he brought up all of these unrelated things from our past made it sound like he's holding my stuff for ransom or something, which just makes me feel sick. But I also don't feel like I should have to just give up and walk away because he's suddenly decided he needs more incentive, or something. How would you all handle this? Is it possible to get him to see I'm just making a simple request to have some important items returned? Or am I being really out of line and missing something? Am I just asking for more drama and frustration by continuing to try to reason with him?
Frank13 Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Here is what I would do. Since it sounds like he has all the stuff packed up in a box, I would call you local police department. Tell them you have to get some personal belongings out of your ex's residence and he is not being co-operative. Ask them to send a police officer to his residence where you will meet him (at a time you know the ex will be home) and get your stuff. They do this all the time so it shouldn't be a problem. Alternatively you could tell your ex that is you plan if he doesn't want to co-operate, but I don't know him so he might do something drastic like throw the stuff out. I have heard this before where a first conversation after NC goes well and then one person or the other turns into an ahole. A recent post by Perfectlyflawed was like that.
Author chels Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 Hi Frank.. I just read Perfectlyflawed's thread about breaking NC and, you are right, her situation does sound similar to mine... her ex's attitude is uncannily similar, at least. It still baffles me that some people react to breakups that way- warm and nostalgic one day, then cold and dismissive the next- but I suppose that's a different discussion entirely. The option of involving the police has crossed my mind. It just seems so drastic and dramatic. I realize that it may be my only option if my ex continues to fight me on this- it's either involve the authorities or surrender my belongings to the black pit of failed relationships. I guess I keep hoping he'll come around and act like a reasonable human being, or that I can come up with some genius solution that can resolve the situation peacefully. Involving the cops just seems so... serious. And as much as I hate to admit it, I feel like it will make me look bad from the point of view of my ex and his friends/family... like I'm coming back into his life after being broken up/NC for so long just to stir up trouble and make a scene. I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but isn't it natural to want to come across cool and collected when dealing with an ex? Anyway. Thanks for your advice, I really do appreciate it (especially since it reaffirms an idea that has crossed my mind before.)
Exit Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I would try verbally express the possibility of involving the cops as much as possible before actually doing it. Tell your ex a couple times. If he doesn't respond, tell one of his family members that he's being a jerk and you aren't trying to come around and cause drama but you just want your stuff and you'd appreciate not having to involve the cops as well. Make it known to people that you are trying to accomplish it in a civil manner, instead of just showing up at their door with a police officer some day, in which case your ex will be able to twist things around and make it like you're starting trouble. He's being immature, that's for certain. Too bad you really value some of these items, because in many cases, it's less stressful to just replace what you can't get back.
PegNosePete Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I would just knock on his door, when you know he is in, and ask for the stuff. The quickest way to "get rid" of you would be to give it back. If he gets awkward just start making a noise and when the neighbours come to investigate, turn on the waterworks. Don't leave. Worst case scenario he calls the police because you're creating a disturbance of the peace, you tell them you just want your stuff back and when you get it you will go quietly. They will assist you and he will look like the complete twat that he is.
Philosoraptor Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I'd agree here. Pick a date and tell him if you are not able to retreive your items by that date, that you will arrive with officers who will allow you to retrieve your belongings.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 really? the police? lets try and put out a fire with a nuclear explosion because that always works. absolutely do not go to his place unannounced. chels, what does he have thats so valuable? You are still chasing, you had 4 months while still in contact with him to get your stuff back, now that things have been quiet for the past couple months, you are sensing emotional distance and are trying everything in your power to close that distance.
Philosoraptor Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) really? the police? lets try and put out a fire with a nuclear explosion because that always works. If someone has your property yet refuses to setup a time to return it you are quite in your right to ask for assistance from the authorities to reclaim your posessions. absolutely do not go to his place unannounced. Yes, this would be tresspassing. chels, what does he have thats so valuable? snowboarding equipment, for one, as well as a necklace I've had since I was 10 You are still chasing, you had 4 months while still in contact with him to get your stuff back, now that things have been quiet for the past couple months, you are sensing emotional distance and are trying everything in your power to close that distance. You are still projecting. If you read the thread you would have received the answers to your questions above and read from her tone that she is taking a mature route and only wants to reclaim her posessions. She seems to have grown up, got burned enough, and wants to untie these last strings and states unimportant items would have been ignored. These are sentimental and quite expensive items that she wasn't in the right state to ask for before. I for one hope she gets them and has this last string untied for good. Edited February 2, 2012 by Philosoraptor
geegirl Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I think you should just let it go. If the necklace was really that valuable to you, seeing that it was something you had since you were 10, you would have taken it with you along with your other belongings, such as clothes, which would to me would have fallen a distant second to such a valuable keepsake. That also applies to the snowboarding equipment. If you were able to gather all your other belongings, then why wasn't this important to load up and go? Stuff is used as a doorway for contact. Whatever your reasons for leaving these two items, and waiting this long to retrieve them, it would be best to let go. He is certainly wrong for reacting this way but if I were you I would try to stay away from as much drama as I possibly can.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) @Geegirl - Good Spot! @philo I suppose my question is, what is the best way to handle this situation? I am incredibly frustrated by all of this and I would just walk away if the possessions weren't somewhat important to me. It seems like he's trying to "win" some sort of competition with me, and I couldn't be less interested in competing. The fact that he brought up all of these unrelated things from our past made it sound like he's holding my stuff for ransom or something, which just makes me feel sick. But I also don't feel like I should have to just give up and walk away because he's suddenly decided he needs more incentive, or something. I read the words, I am not projecting anything. You are reading words, word for word, you miss key words, feelings. They really aren't important, otherwise she wouldnt have put an adverb (somewhat... in front of a feeling) She's saying that they of "a little value" to her. (look it up for yourself). If she would have said "if the possessions weren't important to me." I would have agreed with the rest of everyone else here. Again, shes chasing after 2 months NC because she senses emotional distance. When I tell people to look at a persons actions, not the words that they use, this thread is prime example of it. Look at her actions without the situation. She talked to him for 4 months went 2 months NC and wants to talk to him again. The action Edited February 2, 2012 by Dark Phoenix
Philosoraptor Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Yes, he came back to her as she was moving on and once he verified he could have her he left. This happened January 12th. He "chased" her for 4 months and when she finally gave in he got his validation and left. While no one can claim for sure what happened; my hope is that she has wised up and wants to grab those last things to cut the ties as once she has them she will not have a reason to contact him. You can read as much as you want into the word "somewhat", but the entire message shows that she has done some growth and realized that she needs to get away from this situation. I do worry about the Tom fella from the last thread though as that poor guy could get blindsided by all of this.
Frank13 Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 really? the police? lets try and put out a fire with a nuclear explosion because that always works. Yes the police. They do this all the time. It is part of their job. Only someone living in a cave wouldn't know this. They much prefer to do this than show up at a domestic violence situation after the fact where the risk of serious injury or death is much greater. No one said call the swat team in.
Author chels Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 Stuff is used as a doorway for contact. Whatever your reasons for leaving these two items, and waiting this long to retrieve them, it would be best to let go. He is certainly wrong for reacting this way but if I were you I would try to stay away from as much drama as I possibly can. I truly don't think I am using my possessions as an excuse to contact him. Those things were left at his house because I haven't been back there since we broke up and I haven't felt comfortable enough to ask for them back until recently. I really had to grit my teeth to contact him in the first place, as I was afraid something like this would happen, but I guess I was hoping for the best (the best being making a cordial agreement on returning my things to me.) I'm not going to say I am 100% over it, as he clearly still has the ability to shake me up emotionally, but I certainly do not want to start having regular contact with him or catch up on each other's lives or anything like that. And Philosoraptor, you are correct, this is the same ex that I posted about several months ago. Any residual feelings I had for him were pretty much blasted to pieces after that whole debacle. I have moved on quite a bit since then, and that's why I thought it could be okay to contact him about my belongings. I am NOT going over to his house uninvited, and I'm not even sure I want to go to the authorities. It's sad and frustrating that he's forcing me to abandon some stuff that was important to me simply through his immaturity, but he's already making this situation so uncomfortable because of my request alone that I'm thinking I'd rather lose my stuff and save my sanity instead.
PegNosePete Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 If you don't want to fight for your stuff then you can try buying it. If the necklace is so important then you could try offering him $100 for it. He might be holding on to it out of spite, but that spite will have a price. You just have to find a figure that causes his greed to overcome his spite.
Philosoraptor Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 I am NOT going over to his house uninvited, and I'm not even sure I want to go to the authorities. It's sad and frustrating that he's forcing me to abandon some stuff that was important to me simply through his immaturity, but he's already making this situation so uncomfortable because of my request alone that I'm thinking I'd rather lose my stuff and save my sanity instead. This is your choice and you can not be mad at him for you making it. Personally I would inform him of your intent to contact the authorities to reclaim your posessions... you'd be surprised how much "getting real" can change a stubborn person.
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