Leigh 87 Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 NOrmally, when breaking up, ending, or having a break from a relationship, the best advice seams to be: no contact. My situation is not a matter of simply " breaking up". I have mental issues, that are hindering the relationship. I need to improve myself, before resuming the relationship. HOwever - we both love each other - we still want a future together, and are not close to being ready to contemplate life without being together - we are very, very supportive and close to one another, and still need each other in the other's lives. - we hug in bed very tightly every night. - my boyfriend actually wants to still see me a few days a week, just nto every day, like before, when we were livining together. - my boyfriend wants me to get better, and thinks that if I fix the issues I have, I would be a person he wants to spend a long time with. How should I go about fixing my issues? I have a terrible home life and am in a bad way mentally. I had a mental illness, an eating disorder, and although I am TOTALLY better from it PHYSICALLY, I still have the following issues: - no friends in my real life ( besides ppl I status comment on on facebook, and mates interstate) - no job or career developments as such, due to dropping out of school due to being mentally ill. I might add: I am a cool person and am very affable at times, and people can really like me. I just lack the confidence to go out and start friendships, and do not know how to manifect frienships, due to LACK OF THEM. Another point I would like to make, is I did go back to school, and did a one year course, that is the equivalent of year 11 and 12. I got 92% and worked very hard. I am not below average intelligence - I dropped out of school due to mental problems, not because I am just stupid. I have a lot of potential to have a great life and be an awesome person. I just need to get friends, get a job, and get underway with career development. ADVICE REGARDING: How much or how little contact should I have with my boyfriend during this time? So far, I have found that, because I do not feel good about myself at asll, it causes problems. I cause arguments for NO reason. It all stems from me not feeling good about who I am, and what I have achieved personally and professionally. Of course, I have to limit my contact with my boyfriend, while I work on developing myself as a person, and building self esteem. I can SEE myself coming out of this phase of my life, as a confident and much better person for it; I can envision my boyfriend seeing the ne and improved me, and being happy with me, in a relationship. Here is MY IDEA, PLEASE read it, and then give imput on how I should improve it. - I will do the things I need to do, in order to move forward in my life, and become the person I need to be, to sucessfully be in a great relationship with Andrew. - I will let him call me when he wants to chat. I need to be independant, and learn to deal with my problems, no matter how hurt, upset, or depressed I am, on my own. - he loves attention and my loving nature, and would be offended if I stopped calling him altogether, so I will ocasionally call if he askes me too. - I will see him on weekends only, so I can work on myself all week, and have him see me progress in small steps, and see the changes in me. - ALthough, I am happy to not see him at all for a few weeks. Last time he was away for a month, we fell more in love, and we missed each other very much. - I am not sure i want to " break" with him, I have an INSTINCTIVE feeling that I will fix myself, but he will MOVE ON. He has stressed that he wants to be with me, just a fixed version of me, without my debilitating mental issues. Should I not see him and TRULY " break" up with him, and contact each other later down the track, once I am healthy enough for a relationship? As it stands, we are simply too close and too invested in each other, to just go cold turky and call it quitts; we want to be together, just without the problems I cause, which are attributed to my mental health.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 COme on, surely the topic of how to go about a "break" is of interest to .. some one? lol.. He just rang me: We seam to be the same, he is awsome, a great person, and he seams to want to continue with me; he says we are together, and that we are just not going to see each other quiet as much, so I have the time on my own that I need, to work through my issues. I am so happy to have him, he is such a positive, fun, and happy person. I know we can be happy together if I work on things.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Going on a "break" typically implies a breakup in the near or somewhat distant future. The best advice I could give you is define what a "break" is between you and your (ex-)boyfriend. As far as making friends goes... you mentioned that facebook is a significant source of you communicating with people and that they aren't anything more than facebook friends. Here's an idea: deactivate your account. By doing this you will encourage yourself to have more encounters with people and increase the odds of picking up a friend along the way, maybe a lot of friends. Try deactivating your facebook for 2 or 3 weeks and focus on socializing with people while you go about your day. Start off with a simple "hi, how are you" if you are scared, you will get better over time and practice. I know facebook has become religion to a lot of people and you probably think I'm nuts for telling you to deactivate it... AT LEAST limit your time on facebook if that is the case. as for the job thing... keep your head up and keep applying. it is an employers market right now with the economy in horrible condition and employers are posting ad's with qualifications that exceed the actual requirements for the job listed. Apply for the jobs that you qualify for and the jobs that you "almost" qualify for. Good luck, I hope this helps.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) - I am not sure i want to " break" with him, I have an INSTINCTIVE feeling that I will fix myself, but he will MOVE ON. With your entire post, you pretty much are telling your boyfriend "Its not you, its me" and I agree with it, but I know what that "INSTINCTIVE feeling" is. You just dont want to hurt your boyfriend in doing so and I understand. From an emotional stand point, the term "break" means, lets put this relationship on pause while I go try something else. Its up to him if he accepts the break or moves on. He needs to be given both options honestly Edited February 2, 2012 by Dark Phoenix
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 Well, perhaps a " break " is not the answer.. time " apart" more often, is, now that I consider it more. He is in no way wanting to give me up and get " over" me and move on, in any way, shape, or form. We still both want to just be happy together - only, to make thish appen, I need to do a bit of work on myself. While I do need my own time apart, to work more intensively on resolving my own life problems, I feel that seeing each other once a week, only on weekends, is a feasible option. After all, we have been together almost every day for months, apart from when he has gone on holiday 3 times, in the year we have been together. Going a week apart will feel like A LOT of time, for me to do the necessary things, that will result in a happier relationship. I do need to be alone, but seeing him once a week will do no harm, as far as I can see. Yes, I have put him through a lot with my drama I causse for no reason, but I CAN SEE that it is me, not him, and every day I take the time to say " I really appreciate having you around, your such a fun person to have" " I know u have gone through a lot of stress, thanks to the drama I have caused, and the way I have dealt with things. It must have been so hard, and I want u to know that I can see what u have had to deal with, and am truly sorry for it" I make sure that, almost every time we talk, I will throw in something about how I appreciate him. We have fun more than not, so of course, he has gottewn SOMETHING great out of the relationship. It is his first serious relationship. In his 20's, he has seen girls, and he loves to hug, but it never got serious, and he was never in love with them. I am his longest relationship, one year so far. Before me, his longest girl he saw was about 3 months, whilst travelling. She was absolutely amazing, a German girl. Both her and I, are very different to the " normal" type of girl around the area in which we live. He loves the fact I am different, quirky.. however, I feel different for some wrong reasons - no friends or sense that I can connect wioth and keep lots of frriends. I very much want to go meet a lot of friends. I am a very social person, and also very easy going, not judgmental, fun, and funny to some people ( a lot it seams). It is not that every one dislikes me, I just have not have the EXPERIENCE, of meeting people, getting their number, and becoming friends. Without the confience of having friends, of course I feel like I am some sort of freak, and it may never happen much or easily? That said, I do think I am likable enough to get friends, possible a lot of them. The German chick he was travelling with, for instance, was deaply social, has a LOTTT of friends, friends are her life it seams, she is very popular with most people, heaps of pics of her friends on facebook with her all the time... I know he loves me, however, I do want him to see me as a girl who does have a lot of friends to go out with... a sociable, normal girl.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 4, 2012 Author Posted February 4, 2012 I just rang him. I told him that, although we love each other, and I am a good person.. that it is not cool, how he is always so lovely and has literally NEVER caused even ONE aurgument.... Where and I, on the other hand, cause drama, purely because I do not feel good about myself, which results in me picking at thinigs, that do NOT need to even be picked at. It reached an all time low last weekend. I caused a fight every night that we went out. AFter every night, we swore we would be close, and that I would never cause a fight. But I did, time and time again. The point where I realized I need professional help, and that it isnot fair of me to stay in the relationship, was last Saturday night. His mother died last year, when he just turned 24. They were VERY VERY close... and she died with NO warning. Blood blot. Out of now here. Last Saturday, I went from happy and fun, to changing who I am when I drunk too much... I started a fight for no reason, and said something along the lines of " your mum would not be proud of u for doing that"... refering to something he did. YES I KNOW. That is definately enough to make MOST guys just walk away and leave me, in themiddle or the city, with no money, to get bashed and raped. The thing is; I am a really nice person. I did not mean what I said; I get drunk, and I start fights and say and do things THAT ARE NOT MYSELF. I DO NOT MEAN THEM in any way, shape, or form. The bad thing about me: I am not happy with who I am and where my life is, which results in me making problems where there ARE none. Toxic, it is. If u do not like yourself, u can not be happy with other people. Luckily, I have more good things about me than bad things. I am very caring, generous, would do anything for people around me... I never lower myself to other people's level, no matter how nasty they are.. instead,I pity them for being nasty people. No need to swear back. I am also funny, make some people laugh a lot.. I am very different ( as we all are), but I am definately adventerous.. I will try anythinng, in the bedroom, and outside of the bedroom. My boyfriend obviously sees enough good in me, to continue wanting to bwe happy together. Thank god. We are VERY CLOSE. We slept together, hugging each other very tightly, every single night, for months........................................... I cooked his dinner, cleaned up after him, and truly looked after him. With me, he feels 100% comfortable to do anything ( fart, burp, whatever lol..) The best thing, is that I always make him feel that he is loved, and cared for. He would never have any doubt, as I always remind him ( without being over the top of course). I suggested that I go and to the things I need to do, in order to feel GOOD about myself. At least better than I di now. I am going to go toi the gym every dya and work out, as this is something I have always loved! WHilst at the gym getting a hot body ( I took time outthis year and last year), I am going to make an effort to be positive, friendly, and make some friends there. I always seam to make friends if I try and talk to people that seam approachable. I have just never followed it up, whenever I make an aquantance, whome I woukd have had the chance to become friends with,potentially.. I have been with ANdrew every day, and he has been my life. Hence the lack of me working on my OWN friends and own life................ We were both not working for a stretch, so were with each other all day every day......We have a very, very close bond. Life without each other would be a real adjustment, put it that way... WHatever happens, we definately will have a strong love, even if it is platonic.. we will have something special between us, as friends. It makes me smile to know that we will always be friends. After what we have been through together, and the time we spent together, and how close we were.... we wil definately have a special sort of friendship. I told him that I will be hard at work, getting friends, working out at the gym, doing my certificates 2 and 3 ( 9 - 5 pm every day, then I start work in about a week)............. I suggested I see him on Valentines day. From there, we can seee if the feelings remain, and if he wants to continue seeing me. We will talk on the phone most days I pressume..... I am f*cking crying. He is the first boyfriend I have had in about 7 years. I never had a relationship before him, besides the non meaningful, high school ones when I was a teenager. I hooestly love him very much, as much as my family. He was my life. I know I need to get my own life underway. I definately do have my own hobbies, interests blabalbal.... and once I make friends, I will relish the chance to be my own person, outside of ANY relationship I have. :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:( I will be able to tell, during out time apart, through chatting on the phone, how he is feeling. Thelast time he was away for a month, it brought us closer.. we missed each other very much. He did not lose feelings then. I told him that, seeing as we are not going to see each other, that I guess he can do what he wants, if he gors clubbing. If he truly loved me and wanted to be with me, he will not. I am not going to say he can't. I want him to want only me, if he WANTS that. Not because I force it upon him. He tells me we are still together, and that I am smply taking time off, to get rid of the ONE bad thing about me, that holds us back. He says he cannot even comprehand me with another guy. Me moving on from him, he says, is not something he is remotely ready for. He says he loves me, and wants to be with me. He says that he does NOT want to go off with other girls. regardless, I f*cked up, and now it is time for me to get my life on track. If he does not want me after our weeks apart, at least I will feel better about myself.. I will be working out every day, slowly making aquantances... I will be able to pick myself up. LOL, he is nto uspet, because he does not think we will be apart any time soon.. he simply sees this as me having time away from him, so I can work on liking myself more. iI do not thinkw e will be capable of not seeing each other; we will both want to cave and see one another. Two weeks apart is very long. I think we will catch up next weekend, to be honest. I know for myself, that when i work out every day, and when I talk to people at the gym and people around me, and make people smile, and start getting peoples' phone numbers... I KNOW I will feel better, even with in one week!!!!!! I have way more than one weeks worth of work, however, I am saying that I will still feel much better within that week... of course, I have much more work to do, with a therapist.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 4, 2012 Author Posted February 4, 2012 Although I am being positive, I do realize there is a chance he may not want to get back with me, in a relationship. He says we are still together - he feels we are together, but I am just taking time off for myself... What I mean, is that he may want to permanantly have time off:) This will be really hard, I love him very much:( I have no family, just parents who think I am the ultimate f*ck up, and extended family, whom I seldom see. No friends, only some very good friends online, and in different states to me. We spent every day together and hugged in bed every night, I am saddened that, after recovering from my eating disorder ( on my own), I have SO many mental issues, due to being socially isolated whilast I was ill. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. It would be E ASY, to just go see him tomorrow even. To hang out as usual. Only, I know that I ow it to him, to at least restrain myself, so I can ELIMINATE the risk of snapping and causing fights that hurt him.
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