headsashed Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 hi people,not been on for a few weeks due to internet issues,i still got them tbh but oh well lol. I suppose this is more of an update to my current situation for those thats followed my story. Here we go then,how are things going between me and my ex? erm,not too bad i suppose,could be better but could be worse. Ill give her 1 thing,she is making some effort but i dont know if its enough or if its just too soon for things to go a step further. She's took me out for food,bought me take aways,bought me a jumper,even invited me down for dinner at hers with her parents,i went ofcourse cos i love her mothers cooking lol. Before anyone says anything,im not takin or using her for her money,everything has been her choice and she knows im in severe financial difficulty at the minute ( ive not been paid for 9 weeks ) . This i think will have some effect as i cant take her out anywhere. Ive also learnt from last time and im giving her the space to spend with her friends but theres 1 friend whom i think IS using her for her money,and my ex/gf is totally obsessed with her,i mean,if shes not with her then shes talkin about her or txt/calling her when she's with me,it drives me nuts,this certain friend has no money whatsoever yet my ex goes up all the time,buys beer,food,cigerettes,all that stuff,they are all planning an holiday in may and you can guess who will pay for this friend,and she still owes my ex/gf money from the last holiday. My ex/gf and her friend have just been to mine to use laptop to look at holidays,its the 1st ive seen of her today and she stayed like 10 mins then went to her friends,i mean, i didnt know if i was seeing her today or not,yet she hasnt even told me shes going to her friends or anything,she could have atleast said "dean im not seeingt you today im going to my friends" . We have got a little more intimate too,she kisses me when shes going home etc but thats about it,we have slept together,but not often. Im still actually confused if this is actually what i want,yes she is making some effort but i still believe all of her friends come before me,especially that 1 friend and this could cause problems later on. If this 1 friend told her to BU with me then i think she would,but i cant say anything because i could be wrong and i dont want to cause arguments. My ex/gf does talk about a future with me too but as things stand im still not too happy. All in all,things arent going too bad and im probably just missing the old days when we spent most of our time together and shared everything together. I have had days where ive wanted to BU with her but because she is making some effort ive held back. Im still sat back on all of this because i dont want to jump in and get hurt. Alot of this may not make much sense to people and its still all mumble jumble to me lol. Im probably just confused and hurting still. I do hope we work out i really do but if things carry on the way they are then ill be doubting this relationship. I think my main problem is her friends,not that i dislike them,cos ive met most of them and they seem decent people but my ex/gf is like 70% friends and 30% me. I say ex/gf because i still dont know where we stand lol,were tryin to see how things go and we do act like were together but its not official.
Exit Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Sounds like a tricky situation. I don't mean to be cynical about the whole thing, I hope she is trying, but perhaps it's a bit of the old "now that she knows she has you she doesn't need to try any harder". She has no reason to change the priority of 70% friends and 30% you when she knows she's getting away with it. But if you were to speak up and say anything about it, she may give up and just go 100% with friends. It's kind of a no win situation when you are trying to work things out with someone. It depends on how compassionate and understanding they can be or if they're just going to be selfish. Telling her how it's making you feel would probably just do more harm than good, pressuring her too much at this point. You say maybe you're just missing the way things used to be, but the way I see it, you're just missing having an actual relationship, which she is not offering you at this point. It's not some misplaced sense of nostalgia or anything, it makes total sense that you aren't feeling totally content, because she isn't giving you very much. The whole reconciliation thing is a strange position to be in. There's the group of people who say play it cool, don't be needy, put on a smile and let them come back when they're ready. Others would say more along the lines of what I said above, that she has no reason to really make any adjustments to her behavior if she is already getting everything she wants. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. They say the person who cares the least has the most power, and if she doesn't care to be in a more committed relationship with you right now, then she has the power, because any complaint from you could just send her back out the door for good. I hate to suggest playing games but the only passive way to go about this would be to spend more time with your friends or doing other things, so you aren't always there for her either. It sounds like at this rate you may not end up happy in the end, but I hope things work out.
geegirl Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) Taking you out to eat, buying you food, a jumper and inviting you to her parent's house is not effort. That's the mere basics that two people normally provide each other in a relationship. It's obvious there's a part of you that is settling. I can tell from your decision to let things that are affecting you slide. As much as you say you feel in control, I don't think you are. She's been in control since day one, and not just this time around. You will decide if this is right for you soon enough. Personally, I would hope, issues that lead to the demise of the relationship the first time around would have been issues that you both would have been working on to improve the second time around. I truly believe if there is no communication in a relationship, then you will have two people either making assumptions that are counter-productive or skipping along believing everything is perfect in each other's world. You both have had a relationship before so this is nothing new. The second time around, you should be speaking up, pointing out what's not working and finding ways to rectify and move forward. Not hide, play games or walk on eggshells. Game playing is a big no-no for me. If you are grown enough to have a relationship, then you are grown enough to communicate your feelings and thoughts. Someone who wants to be on the same page with you, will be receptive. Someone who isn't, well, you have your answer. Edited February 2, 2012 by geegirl
Dark Phoenix Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) I can't keep giving you magical text messages to fix all your problems... Here's the solution though - C O M M U N I C A T I O N Also quit acting selfish, your whatever she is to you is out enjoying life with her friends and is spending a good percent of her time with you. Take a page out of her book. Go out and spend 70% of your time with your friends and 30% of your time with her. Problem solved. This is called life balance. She's figuring it out, now its your turn. Edited February 2, 2012 by Dark Phoenix
Recommended Posts